"We are a group of actresses who work very hard and are keen on performing. We have been insisting in this industry. Basically, we don't have a lot of money or parents. We have been growing up by ourselves. Like you, we love movies very much. But to be honest, most of us are passive, and the limitations of the market and subject matter often keep us away from some excellent works, or even isolated from the beginning. "
Later, they also mentioned their efforts to face the status quo. "Sebrina personally invested and supervised to seize the opportunity to send her to Qingyun. To prove that she is still young, Song Jia is still unmarried. Let's call her Xiaohua. Liang Jing changed her job early, while investing to see if her husband had a good role for her. I haven't touched a drop of wine myself these two days, for fear that some director or producer will talk to me about the script, I will talk nonsense. In fact, we have only one goal in doing this, that is, we hope to have the opportunity to cooperate with excellent teams and shape classic roles. This is our ambition and the ambition of each of our actors. "
Looking at the current film and television circle, many Mesozoic actresses are indeed facing a unique "workplace dilemma". Big S once said that she was too old to play, and people began to let her play Darren Wang's mother. Song Dandan once said that he had no drama for ten years, and Yang Rong was accused of playing a girl at the age of 30. At that time, she responded that it was only the needs of the market, and she was also eager for transformation.
Sebrina, who became popular again with Everything is Fine last year, also admitted that she had to suspend her work twice because of giving birth to a baby and experienced depression for a long time. In the subsequent Weibo forwarding, she said that women's workplace dilemma is not limited to the film and television industry.
Indeed, with the growth of age, women's identity seems to be the reason why we will be treated "specially".
As a company with all female partners, we are often asked: how do girls balance their careers and families when pursuing their careers? Singles will be asked: will this affect marriage? Married people were asked: Can your husband accept it? We even met investors who directly asked us to have male partners.
No matter what age women are, as long as you pursue something in your career, it seems that you can't escape these troubles: when you are in the beginning and development period of your career, you will face the pressure of "early" love and marriage; If married, it may be "born"; After having children, life is almost completely occupied and bound, with no end in sight.
Is this conflict really insoluble? Today I chatted with girls of different ages and identities in four first-and second-tier cities. Through their stories, we show some unique bottlenecks and anxieties of women in the workplace in today's society, and how they deal with them. I don't know if you will see your own shadow in it, maybe it will enlighten you in anxiety.
0 1. "We recruit one or two girls every year, just to match with boys and not be tired of work."
A, aged 25+, working in a central enterprise, unmarried.
I may be an example with obvious sense of conflict and anxiety, because I am influenced by several reasons: a region with strong family values (a city in the south), an extremely conservative working environment (central enterprises), a male-dominated industry (architecture), and an unexposed gender identity (lesbians).
Because I am in charge of personnel work, I have a particularly profound understanding of gender discrimination in the industry. This may also be determined by the particularity of the construction industry. We have a heavy task, and we have to stay on the construction site, even living in sheds and climbing scaffolding. We may travel at any time, and we will stay on the project for months or even years. So from the beginning of recruitment, although we don't say it publicly, the unspoken rule is not to recruit girls. There are only 1-2 girls in dozens of recruitment places every year. Why do you sometimes recruit girls? Because the cooperation between men and women is not tiring, if a project is full of boys, it will be dusty and lifeless, so at least one or two girls must be matched (and girls must be unmarried).
The girls who can be recruited are either particularly beautiful, particularly excellent or related by blood. In addition, even if boys' resumes are messy and girls' resumes are excellent, boys are often selected. Another possibility is that your boyfriend/husband is very good and the company wants to recruit him. You can use this as a bargaining chip and talk about the conditions to recruit you. In this case, the boy has to sign an agreement that he can't leave his job for several years.
I will also see that men often choose to sacrifice their families to get professional promotion. For example, many boys are willing to be sent to do projects, so 90% of couples in our industry are separated for a long time, and dad is missing his role in most of the children's growth; But most girls will choose family. Almost all the management meetings in our company are middle-aged and elderly men, except me, there is only one female vice president.
Also in this company, I found that there are still so many people (both men and women) in the world who think that women should go home to take care of their children, should not have a particularly shining and powerful position in the workplace, and should not strive to reach the high point of their careers. For example, when we have dinner at a colleague's house, all the boys leave the table after dinner. Everyone agrees that girls clear the table, and girls themselves take it for granted, and they will compete to show how virtuous they are. Many times, it is also the girls who educate me to get married and have children.
Fortunately, I have come out at home, and my parents are not particularly opposed, but in our company, I can never reveal my sexual orientation. Coming here is the stupidest thing. At present, I lied that I have a boyfriend in the field and have moved my account to a far place. I don't usually play with people, because I actually have a girlfriend. I don't want them to find out about my private life, which will really affect my future. Someone in our company was found to be gay and forced to resign. Even if he doesn't leave, he will lose many chances of promotion.
As I get older, my pressure will actually increase, because not getting married at the age of 30 will also affect the leader's opinion of you. Therefore, I am now doing sideline work in my spare time, hoping to support myself gradually and then jump out of the oppressive environment of central enterprises.
02. "I don't think there can be a real balance between career and family."
B, aged 35+, sales director, married, daughter 6 years old.
For a long time, I have been thinking about whether I can balance my career and family. Now I think it is a false proposition: the state of complete balance cannot be achieved, and you must choose to pay more attention to one side and give up the other.
First of all, once a woman is pregnant, she will have no choice but to be kidnapped, because your body is really occupied and your energy is almost completely occupied. You have to disrupt your life rhythm and change many habits for her. Secondly, like many people, I used to think that this "kidnapping" was mainly in the first two years after her birth, but in fact, the period of this influence was unexpectedly long. On the contrary, when she grows up, I will be even less free. Because in the early days, your task was mainly to take care of life, such as breastfeeding, nursing, playing with her and so on; But when the child is two or three years old, she gradually begins to interact with you. Your company is not only more important, but also more complicated.
In first-tier cities, almost all parents will enroll their children in pre-school early education classes and art enlightenment classes. Every educational project requires parents' full participation and full companionship. When children go to kindergarten and primary school, parents have to do homework and check homework every day, and also help their children prepare cooking projects, festival performances, parties and so on. Many schools even require at least one parent to accompany them all the way.
Moreover, my job is sales in the Internet industry, with unstable time and frequent business trips, so I need to contact customers at any time. If you have to take care of your work, you will naturally spend less time with your children. At the same time, many young people have entered this industry with new ideas and skills. If I want to keep up with the pace of society, I must work very hard, be diligent and constantly absorb new knowledge. Moreover, the pace of work in our industry deviates from the law of children's life. My children go to school from 8 am to 5 pm. I sent my children to work at 8 am, but none of my colleagues showed up. It is even more impossible to pick her up at 5 pm.
At the same time, what makes me sad is that my family and people around me can't understand and support my career. They think it's natural for dad to work, and women who are "born without raising" will be condemned, but if I come back late from overtime, my husband's elders will say, is it really that important for me to work? The most important thing for you is to serve us well. As for my interests outside of work, I should give them up completely. I used to like playing ball games, watching movies and meeting friends, but almost everyone around me thought I should leave all my spare time to my children.
What makes me feel more guilty is that my daughter will blame me herself. For example, sometimes she waits for me to go home and stays up late when she is tired. She signed up for a music interest class. In this class, parents actually have many tasks of singing and dancing. I usually go with her every weekend. Once I couldn't do the work, so I asked my father to accompany her. As a result, my father's participation was not enough. After coming back, my daughter said that if my mother didn't go, I would also take time off to go to class.
Over time, I often feel guilty at work. Once on a business trip in other places, I was very tired when I returned to the hotel. As a result, the family called, and there was blame in the words. I had to hang up and cry alone in bed. I found that I had to make a choice: either give up my higher pursuit at work or lose my participation in children's lives. Finally, I chose the former. I also studied some women who claimed to have a balanced career and family, but I found that they would definitely be more inclined to one side. If you have a good career, you basically have a resident aunt at home. Mothers often just make some decisions after their children grow up, without much transactional and accompanying work.
I began to do subtraction consciously in my work, instead of pursuing too many breakthroughs and innovations. In job selection, I prefer to choose those positions that are more flexible. If I need more time and management costs, I will think it over. I will also slow down the maintenance and expansion of resources and minimize business trips. What is even more frightening is that I have gradually lost my subjective initiative. For example, I was in the middle level of the company, and I was originally in the rising period of my career, but now I feel more and more that compared with my male colleagues around me, the bottleneck of my rising is not the gap in ability, but the difference in enthusiasm.
I am often confused and feel as if I have been pushed away. In the past, in a dual-employee family, parents were busy, so the children grew up independently; However, the current social environment overemphasizes the companionship and participation of parents. Unless you are determined, it is really hard to resist this influence.
03. "All stay-at-home mothers I know are as busy and diligent as entrepreneurs."
C, 25 years old, is currently suspended and has become a full-time mother.
I got pregnant unexpectedly during my career advancement, which is something I never expected in my life planning.
When I learned the news, I was shocked. I used to be a very restless "career young woman", jumping out of the system and going to Beijing alone, but I enjoyed working day and night; But at the age of 25, my father died. That year, I suddenly wanted to have my own family, so I started a blind date. Fortunately, I got to know each other's favorite boyfriends quickly through blind date, but even if I could accept getting married and having children, I was caught off guard by unexpected pregnancy.
My boyfriend is very simple. If we want to have children, we will get married first, but this decision is very difficult for me, because I just started to be a leader at that time, and I still have a lot to learn, and having children means that all this is interrupted. More importantly, everything was so sudden that I didn't have a corresponding plan at all, and I wasn't sure if I was mature enough and capable enough to be a mother.
There were a lot of voices around me. First of all, my grandmother and other family members stayed up all night, constantly worrying that I haven't bought a house in Beijing since I got married, and life seems completely insecure. Giving birth at this time is really worrying. My good friend also advised me that it is "unwise" to have children now, because I am still young and everything has not yet settled.
All this makes me feel extremely entangled. I can't think of the pros and cons, and I don't have time to make a detailed plan. When this panic was about to overwhelm me, one day I suddenly made up my mind to listen to myself. I know my personality too well. I am a person who will take care of my own affairs even if I am anxious. I think this child is the one who appeared in my life and changed my life track. I am responsible for this life.
After that, I was not swayed by other people's opinions. I am going to get married step by step and go to work step by step. Little reaction during pregnancy, almost on time to work, until the last day before delivery, did not miss any overtime. But even so, the company leaders still have a lot of opinions. For example, when summing up their work, they will deliberately ignore my workload and focus on the fact that I am a "pregnant female employee". I feel helpless and can only passively accept the lack of communication.
Before giving birth to the baby, my original plan was to give it to my grandmother after the full moon and go back to work by myself. But after giving birth to a child, I really understood what "parenting" was. I carefully analyzed the situation of both parents and found that if I have the ability to achieve 70 points in raising children, obviously no one else can pass. I don't want to achieve anything in raising children, so I have little choice but to start a new job: being a full-time mother for three years.
At first, my husband was shocked and opposed. His reason is that all his colleagues' children were brought up by grandma. Why are we different? I had to carefully analyze the family situation and economic situation of both sides with him, and told him my general plan for the past three years, which successfully persuaded him.
At first, I didn't expect the hardships of being a full-time mother, especially in the first year of the child's birth, postpartum depression, 24-hour face of crying children and trivial housework, away from workplace life and even friends and socializing. Everything drives me crazy, and I become anxious, irritable and depressed.
The most terrible thing is that although my husband supports my approach, he has great differences with me in the concept of parenting. In his mind, a father can get a proper education only by playing ball games and keeping fit with his children. The rest of the parenting and companionship are done by his mother, which is naturally more "reassuring". He doesn't understand many of my practices. For example, I will carefully match the children's daily breakfast, give them balanced nutrition, and infiltrate the accompanying education. But in his view, "a bowl of porridge and an egg soup will solve it. Why are you so tired? " We quarreled many times, but I couldn't persuade him, and he wouldn't change the traditional concept of parenting.
At those moments, I deeply felt how important it is for couples to discuss parenting concepts and family division of labor before marriage. Giving birth to a child is not just a woman's business, but the most important thing for a family. After the communication failed, I accepted this fact and stopped forcing my husband to spend more time with the children. That kind of involuntary companionship is not good for children, and my irritability and depression will also have a great impact on children's emotions. I began to really focus on raising children, and I told myself that this was my career.
Now is my second year as a stay-at-home mom. I have a part-time job while taking care of the children. I am very busy every day, much busier than when I was in the company. Many people may have some misunderstandings about stay-at-home mothers, thinking that they live a leisurely life and don't have to worry about the economy. What they do every day is simple or even "low-level", but in fact, all the stay-at-home mothers I know are busy and hardworking like entrepreneurs. During my time as a stay-at-home mother, my time management ability has also been greatly improved. I must learn to manage my day efficiently and use my spare time to supplement my knowledge, whether it is parenting knowledge or returning to the workplace. We must constantly deal with all kinds of emergencies (children's affairs are much more difficult than most people think). I know many "stay-at-home mothers" who have many ideas of starting a business while taking care of their children. Many people are constantly testing their ideas from part-time jobs. I have also decided to invest in the early childhood education market and use my own experience to help everyone learn to "play" with their children.
To this day, I don't think my choice is perfect. It may be better to wait until I am ready to have children, but this is the best choice I can make at that stage of my life, so I don't regret it. Unexpected pregnancy may also be a special life experience unique to women, so your life will suddenly be interrupted and face an inflection point, which will bring a lot of impact to life planning, but this experience also makes me see my strength in the face of choice and unlock a brand-new life and myself. 04. "It is the progress in the workplace that gives me the confidence to suspend my career and have children."
D, 35 years old+,general manager of the company, married, suspended career childbirth.
Once, when I first entered the workplace as a reporter, I would chase after female entrepreneurs and ask "how to balance career and family". It was not until I reached this stage of my life that I realized that this sentence was too frivolous. This problem should not be directed only at women.
It was not until I was 28 years old that I seriously asked myself: Do you want to have children in the future? After carefully comparing the life with and without children, I realized that I wanted to have children, so I began to think about getting married. I was 33 years old when I got married. Giving birth to a child became something I needed to put on the agenda as soon as possible at that time. However, even though I have made psychological and material preparations, I am still more anxious than I thought.
After a year of marriage, my husband and I started to get pregnant for the first time. At that time, I was already the management of the company, and my work intensity was already high. And I am anxious during the whole pregnancy preparation process, because I have no bottom in my heart. I have seen too many cases of people around me. Women have reached the middle and high level in the company, but after giving birth, they will be forced to face the "adjustment/transfer" of the company and can't find their own position. An executive friend of mine, who re-entered the workplace two years after giving birth, found herself in a very embarrassing position: she was a management before giving birth and was unwilling to demote to find a job, but her experience of staying away from the workplace seemed unconvincing when applying for a job. Objectively speaking, her network competitiveness and familiarity with the market have indeed been greatly affected.
Finally, I got pregnant with a child, but I miscarried because of overwork, and then I took a rest for a while, but that anxiety has not been eliminated for a long time.
The change took place a year later. Due to changes in the company's business, the CEO asked me if I wanted to be the head of a subsidiary. I was a little confused. After all, going to a subsidiary will definitely be more tiring and busy, which may affect my next pregnancy plan. In addition, the new project does have great risks. But I finally decided not to think too much, because I could feel my entrepreneurial passion from 0 to 1, so I listened to my heart and accepted this opportunity.
So I made the right choice. I tried to adjust my mentality and gradually became independent in the subsidiary, which not only rekindled my enthusiasm for my career, but also showed me my true ability and potential. After realizing this, I stopped panicking. I began to plan confidently for a few years and decided to postpone my career promotion and set aside some time to go to Yukon.
Of course, the process is still much more difficult than making up your mind. I also made compromises and concessions. For example, when the company was just stable, I also postponed the pregnancy preparation plan because of an important cooperation. But I got the constant support from my husband, which is one of the most important factors for me to adjust my mentality and have the strength to face great anxiety. We had a general conversation before we got married. He recognizes my pursuit of career, and we can calmly discuss how to balance our energy as a family after having children. After I got pregnant, we also seriously discussed the "huge workload" after the baby was born. His job is relatively stable, and I prefer "unstable, but more likely", so we decided that after the birth of the child, he would devote more energy to taking care of it and let me start my career with peace of mind. I am very grateful to him for his support and for choosing a marriage that is both spiritual and material in relatively equal.
KY has something to say:
Although few of us have faced this problem strongly, today's story still makes us very touched. Compared with objective reasons, when women face conflicts between family and career, the fear and even guilt brought by a strong career are still unbearable for many men. Society's demand for "good women" is much more demanding than that of good men. The requirements for women in the workplace are almost the same as those for men, but at the same time, family responsibilities will still fall more on women.
In addition, a good career is undoubtedly regarded as a plus item for men, but its influence on women's social evaluation is extremely subtle and complicated. Women will suffer a lot of malicious speculation, marriage must be unhappy, I don't know how to climb up, all kinds. But we ask ourselves, we still like this lifestyle of constantly meeting challenges.
We hope that the process of several protagonists fighting anxiety in today's article can give you a little confidence. Because they also convey more or less similar values: whether you choose to focus on your career or family, you need to make yourself more independent and powerful. You need to trust equality and pursue equality. Only when you don't depend on anyone to live can you get an equal relationship and refuse the unequal sacrifices arranged for you.
I can sacrifice for love, but it must be my own choice.
Above, good night ~
KY author/Xiao Tang Yuan Ying