The following is my summary after introducing this course to students in class. The article is different from the previous classroom discussion and training. This time, I will combine the introduction of this theory with my students' experience after application in practice, and present this theory in a way that is helpful to application as much as possible.
Everyone has three "self-states".
According to the theory of interpersonal communication analysis, personality consists of three self-states: parents' self-state, adults' self-state and children's self-state. Every self-state contains a complete way of thinking, emotion and behavior, and the communication between people is the communication between people's "three selves".
The specific contents of "Three Ones" are as follows:
The first is the self-state of parents, which refers to the thoughts, feelings and behaviors we copy from parents or other important people. Parental self-state is divided into: controlling parental self-state and nourishing parental self-state. As the name implies, when a person is in the state of controlling parental self, the interaction with others often shows the side of education, criticism, lesson and control; However, when they are in the state of nourishing their parents' self, people often show warmth, care, comfort and encouragement when interacting with others.
In interpersonal communication, people who especially like to teach others often use their controlling parents' self-state; And those who always care about others in detail are often in a state of nourishing their parents' self.
Second, the child's self-state, everyone has a little child in their hearts. When a person interacts with others in the state of children's self, his emotions, thinking and behavior will behave like a child. Children's self-state can be divided into adaptive self-state and free self-state
People in adaptive children's self-state are obedient, obedient, please and friendly, and their hearts are often full of self-blame, worry, anxiety and self-blame; People who are in the self-state of free children are often lively, impulsive, naive, spontaneous, playful, expressive, and clearly distinguished between love and hate. They pursue pleasure like self-centered babies and can fully express their feelings.
The third is the self-state of adults. When a person is in the adult self-state, his thoughts, behaviors and emotions all point to the here and now, which are embodied in rational, calculating, respecting facts and non-emotional behaviors.
Every self-state has its adaptability and its inadaptability, so there is no difference between good and bad. In fact, as far as a healthy and balanced personality is concerned, every self-state is necessary-we need the self-state of adults to deal with the problems here and now and help us live an efficient life; When we want to integrate into society, we not only need to control our parents' self-state to provide norms to abide by the ethical bottom line, but also need to nourish our parents' self-state to help us maintain interpersonal relationships. Adaptive children's self-state is the premise for us to abide by the rules of social games, while free children's self-state includes spontaneity, creativity and intuition, which is the basis of work achievement and performance.
From the perspective of interpersonal communication analysis theory, a mentally healthy person is a person who can use the right self-state at the right time and place.
After learning the "self-state", my students wrote in their homework:
Puberty, there are often some particularly strange ideas, always thinking about whether you are sick, whether you have any psychological problems, and why. When facing others, I try to pretend, for fear that others will feel different, be laughed at and rejected. After a long time, my mood became heavy and depressed. Through "interpersonal analysis", I found myself normal, because I have the same thoughts and similar feelings at this age as others. It turns out that everyone has three kinds of self-states, and they are all necessary. As long as they are suitable for the environment, the self-state is the best. (zhaowei, School of Finance, 2006)
Senior three is known as the "magic learning field". In the year when students only know how to study, teachers and parents who face math problems, calculation formulas and change their expressions only according to their scores stay in the adult self-state for a long time, making it almost impossible for children's self-state to appear, resulting in the phenomenon of "not playing" and "not playing" after the college entrance examination. Long-term suppression of children's self-state, especially the self-state of free children, will make us lose our creativity, and even more frightening, will make us lose our ability to feel happy. (2006 Finance College, Wang Yanting)
I always thought that when I grew up, I could only do adult things. Now I can release my child's self calmly. If you want to jump rubber bands with your children, you can jump if you want, climb mountains if you want, and sometimes you can spoil your parents. Now I often feel relaxed in the air. What surprises me even more is that I can often find something from these behaviors. Sometimes when I play with them, the answers to those long-standing questions will appear in my mind. (Zhang Huiya Institute of Accounting, 2005)
I didn't understand why people have multiple faces before. Some people are particularly ladylike in front of people they don't know very well, but they are particularly coquetry in front of acquaintances. I always think such people are hypocritical. After listening to TA's explanation, I know that people will show different self-states in different situations, and these states are by no means conflicting with each other. (Yu Lisi, 2005 School of Business Administration)
Interpersonal communication analysis not only taught me how to get along with others, but also taught me how to get along with myself, and let me know how to spur myself with "adult self", release myself with "children self" and care for others with "parents self". (Xia Baihui, 2007 School of Economics)
I wasn't born without ideals. Everyone has likes and dislikes. But I am scared by "you should", and children who are often scared by "you should" forget "I like it". "You should go to college", "You should find a decent job" ... countless "You should" cover up "I like" and make me feel that "should" equals "like". I do, and so do most people. (Gao Jiemin, Tourism Management, 2006)
Through study, I found the phenomenon that I was neglected by myself. For example, their parents have more nutritional status and always want to help others and take care of others; And when the other person relies on me and asks me for many things, I will have the performance of controlling the parent-child relationship, which is biased, because the other person should not be treated by me in this state. (City University of Zhou Wenwen, 2005)
game
Psychological game refers to a series of ambiguous communication when two people get along, which TA calls "a series of continuous complementary hidden communication". Mental games occur unconsciously among adults. The psychological game that people often play is the "drama triangle", that is, everyone often unconsciously takes turns to play such three roles in the game: rescuer, persecutor and victim.
The roles in the triangle game are not fixed. People's position in the game is constantly changing. The persecutor may become the savior, the victim may become the persecutor, and the savior may also become the persecutor or the victim.
The most common games in Drama Triangle include:
1. Persecutors versus victims
Blame: "Why don't you ...? ""If it weren't for you ... ""You killed me "and so on.
Passive attack type: on the surface, he said nothing, but his grievances, forbearance, obedience and ingratiation were all regarded as victims by outsiders, and only the parties knew that he was a persecutor.
2. Victim versus persecutor
"See what you did to me?" (when angry with the other party, deliberately not eating on time or not eating; Deliberately let yourself catch cold and so on. )
3. Victim versus rescuer
"Yes, but ..." "I can't ..." "I can't ..." "Have pity on me!"
4. Rescuers to victims
"I just want to help you!"
TA theory holds that psychological games are substitutes for appeasement, so it is possible for each of us to play psychological games with others at some time. The game includes a period of surprise or confusion, and the participants will feel confused. After the game, everyone may have a very uncomfortable sense of frustration. Therefore, in order to avoid the result of lose-lose, we should be sensitive enough to the games we often play, and at the same time know how to terminate the games played by others and ourselves in time.
Everyone may have this experience in their daily life. We tend to be more considerate of people who are alienated from each other, and if the other person misinterprets himself carelessly, he will also show generous understanding. However, for those close to us, we tend to show a narrow side and can't tolerate misunderstandings about ourselves at all. We always feel that the other person "should" know what he thinks and what he wants. So when I get along with my relatives and friends, I often play some games that let others guess. Of course, the result is that you often let yourself and your partner down and feel exhausted.
The parents of one of my students listened to the interpersonal communication theory that the students shared with her and said to the child, "I hold my own needs in my hand and let your father guess." Your father never guessed right in 20 years. Now I tell him directly, and as a result, he did better than I wanted! "
Many times, people invite others to play psychological games through implicit communication. In order to avoid this, we need to learn to use less implicit communication when communicating with others, and learn to express ourselves in a sincere way.
The students wrote in their homework:
The biggest feeling of learning TA theory is that we can find daily psychological problems in time, solve them in time, curb their spread, and let unhealthy hearts return to normal track in the shortest time, just like saying to ourselves in time when facing various psychological games in interpersonal communication: "I want to end this game voluntarily." (Chen Shen, Department of Foreign Languages, 2005)
What interests me about learning TA theory is psychological games, such as the most common scene of "Yes, but ……", which often happens around me, such as:
I don't want to do my homework.
You can watch TV.
But I feel guilty.
B: Then read magazines.
A: No, reading magazines is also reading books. I don't want to touch books now.
B: ...
Now that I have learned the TA theory, I know that although I can't interfere with others playing mental games, I can mobilize my adult self to refuse to "play games" with others. This saves time and avoids frustration. (Elegant City College, 2006)
In transaction analysis, I learned a theory that is very helpful to improve interpersonal relationships-psychological games. I didn't realize there were so many games in daily life. These games not only have a negative impact on themselves, but also bring harm to people around them. Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable when others play games, but I can't help playing this game. Now, I will consciously control myself not to play games with others. For example, when someone asks me for advice or wants me to show my attitude, I will express my thoughts clearly. When the other person says "but", I will definitely say "that's what I think. I have no other choice. I can not help you with anything. Sorry. " (Cui Lu, Institute of Labor Economics, 2006)
comfort
A philosophical assumption of TA theory is that "people need the attention or comfort of others to survive".
Comfort is divided into positive comfort and negative comfort. The so-called positive appeasement refers to the comfort that can make the receiver feel happy or comforted, while the negative appeasement makes the receiver feel uncomfortable.
People usually think that everyone will seek positive appeasement and avoid negative appeasement, but it is not. TA concluded that any form of appeasement is better than no appeasement at all. In order to satisfy the desire for comfort, people would rather accept negative comfort than get no comfort, because for people, negative comfort at least shows that they exist and others know that they exist.
In daily life, we often see some strange unequal relationships, but the parties are always happy. This is often the reason, which is why some people ask for it or often repeat some behaviors that seem to invite others to punish them.
However, people's subjective evaluation of appeasement is different. Some people are "brilliant with a little sunshine", while others are "insatiable". This is related to everyone's culture and family environment, as well as his early experience. Most people will accept some comforts in their own lives, but because these comforts are too familiar, they will make people feel worthless or turn a blind eye.
A healthy appeasement attitude is: be sensitive to the appeasement you get, accept the appeasement given by others with joy and gratitude, and actively seek the appeasement you want.
For appeasement, the students also expounded their own views:
In many people's minds, seeking comfort from others is a sign of weakness and powerlessness. It is easier to give comfort than to seek it. However, if you can't accept comfort, how can you provide real comfort to others? I asked my classmates around me, and I was shocked to find that few people can accept appeasement calmly, and few people think appeasement is necessary. For example, praise, people who are praised always feel that they are not worthy of praise; For example, hugging, whether it is the person who hugs others actively or the person who is hugged, will feel awkward, but will not feel happy and happy. Why is this happening? What should be happiness and happiness does not touch our hearts at all. We keep these things out. (Jia Si's Economic Analysis in 2006)
When we seek comfort from others, don't be picky about whether this comfort is conditional or not. We should not ask others to like ourselves for no reason. If there is, it is fate; if not, it is duty. None of the classmates and friends next to you are mothers, and when I first saw you, I might not think you were cuter than before. The feelings between friends are often accumulated bit by bit. (Accounting Institute Wang Qiao 2005)
Many students say that mothers always praise other people's children, but they don't have a good word for themselves. Some people just broke the jar and fell. In fact, this is seeking negative comfort. I think parents in China should really give more encouragement to their children during their growth, which will help us build confidence. (Yu Lisi, 2005 School of Business Administration)
I heard a classmate say that many girls in high school would cry at home when they didn't do well in the exam, but when she was particularly uncomfortable, she would sit in the most conspicuous place in the corridor and cry, so many people would come to comfort her. With so much comfort, she soon recovered. I cite this example to show that appeasement can come. You don't have to always hold the attitude of a tragedy master and blame yourself on Aidit for saying, "Nobody wants me, nobody cares about me." (2006 Finance College, Wang Yanting)
Another way to seek comfort is indifference. The indifference here is not indifference to stimulation, but to stimulate the other party to give more attention and comfort by not responding. This is a woman's "standing weapon". It is often seen that girls walk in front and boys chase after them, but girls turn a blind eye as if there is no such person. Boys and people around them don't understand the girl's intentions, and they will think that the girl is unreasonable, but in fact she may want to get more gentle comfort. It can be seen that there are many ways for people to seek comfort, but not all of them are straightforward and clear at a glance. (Luo Yang, School of Finance, 2006)
Without the encouragement and support of friends and relatives, I don't think I have the strength to complete my life journey. At the same time, we are also relatives and friends of someone, and they also need our support to be themselves better. For example, when they are in a daze by the lake, they sit next to them and say "Don't worry, go to bed early" when they are anxious to stay up late. Soothing is a short message when you are sick, a pat on the shoulder before the exam, and a hug when your female partner is frustrated. Comfort is the happiness you get when you give. (Yang Shuang Institute of Accounting, 2006)
Once, I was chatting with my mother and accidentally mentioned that my father sometimes ignored her. Suddenly thought of the content of appeasement in TA theory. I told my mom that my dad didn't care about her, but his expression was not clear or he didn't go the way my mom wanted. My mother can tell her father what she thinks directly, and there's no shame in it.
Later, I talked to my father about it again. At first, my father didn't understand that couples who have lived together for so many years don't need anything too formal. I asked my father: if my mother just thinks about you in her heart, without any expression of language, body and movement, she will no longer warm your milk in the morning and add clothes to you in the winter, but just "keep you in her heart", can you accept it?
After a period of observation, I feel that the communication between mom and dad is much better. My mother began to try to express her needs to my father, and my father rewarded and thanked her even more: "Great, I just wanted to eat pineapple today, so you bought it. More and more tacit understanding! " I think the communication between parents is smooth, and the atmosphere at home is naturally good. (Yi Yang International Finance 2006)
Life orientation
The "life orientation" in interpersonal communication analysis refers to the basic beliefs and conclusions about the relationship between oneself, others and the world established in childhood, which will become the guidelines for a person's decision-making and behavior in the future.
People's life orientation usually has the following four kinds:
One is "I am good, you are good", and I believe that I am good and others are good. In other words, I am full of confidence in the world and people, so I will pursue a win-win situation with others in real life.
The second is "I am good, you are not good." People with this life orientation will show defensive attitude or strong aggression, and they are often in a state of paranoia and anger, which is a life orientation of losers.
The third is "I am not good, hello". People with this life orientation have the following two lifestyles: inferiority, dependence, powerlessness, self-abandonment, no opinion, extreme obedience to other people's demands and trying to gain recognition. This person will unconsciously choose to continue to play the "victim".
The fourth is "I am not good, and neither are you". Bowen believes that some mothers have traumatic experiences (such as physical or mental injuries caused by domestic violence), or that their children are difficult to give birth or even life-threatening, which is likely to affect their view of the world and make them feel that life is full of panic and threats. Such people can't trust others, have a deep sense of abandonment, negative despair, think they are worthless, and don't believe that others will help them. His life is a rejection again and again: rejecting himself, rejecting others and being rejected by others.
It should be pointed out that there is no single life orientation in life. Everyone usually has four life orientations, and the only difference between people is which orientation has a higher proportion.
The orientation of life is originally determined by childhood experiences. One of my students wrote the first chapter of her article, entitled "I learned to feel inferior in childhood":
Childhood, I learned to feel inferior. My education has made me agree with the life orientation of "I am not good" since I was a child. Sometimes I even think that the traditional way of education for old Beijingers is to make children feel bad about themselves, and teachers are used to scolding the younger generation. In my childhood memory, the faces of adults are always serious, even distorted with contempt. My childhood playmates and classmates generally experienced humiliation. I don't know how others react. In short, I am very sensitive and memorable, and I feel ashamed whenever I recall it.
Other students also expressed their views:
I found that if you choose the attitude of "Hello, I'm fine" to solve the daily small friction, you can make yourself not angry first, relax your emotions and help solve things. Moreover, the smooth settlement of this matter is conducive to future study and life. Therefore, the attitude of "Hello, I'm fine" is efficient and beneficial to mental health. (City University of Wei Jingjing, 2004)
When a person always wants to compete with others, any choice will be swayed by considerations of gain and loss, for fear that he will choose the wrong road. And when a person believes that "you are not bad", he will not be afraid that the success of others will be bad for him. When a person unconditionally believes that "I'm fine", he can prove his value without being hard on himself or desperately striving for success. Only by adhering to the life orientation of "Hello, I'm fine" can we open our hearts, enjoy the brilliance of this talent in college and enjoy the ease and happiness of life. (Wang, Department of Labor Economics, 2005)
The teacher said that we should use theory more in reality, so that we can truly acquire knowledge and turn the teacher's knowledge into our own. After learning the theory of "Hello, I am good", I will look for the advantages and strengths of others in my life. I feel that after I discovered the advantages of others, the distance between me and them suddenly narrowed. I think my life is richer and warmer than before. The teacher said to wear orange glasses to see others and appreciate them. I used to use black and white, but now I like orange more and more. (Jia Yingping, School of Finance and Taxation, 2006)
We put a piece of paper behind the dormitory door to record the happy and touching things that happen every day, and now it has become a habit. Look behind the door every time I go back to the dormitory. All these have brought us a lot of happiness and emotion, and TA helps us grow up happily! (Roddy Institute of Finance, 2006)
Life script and our re-decision
Life script refers to people's "subconscious life plan". It is an unconscious life decision made by a person in the process of growing up according to his early experience. This plan includes: how long he can live, whether his life is healthy, happy and satisfied, how he will live, what kind of life he will have and so on. A man's life script is based on his life orientation.
According to the theory of interpersonal communication analysis, as long as a person is willing, he can rewrite his own script, that is: decide again.
Re-decision refers to changing one's previous life script, such as rewriting the original tragic script, rewriting one's own role, rewriting the role of victim, rescuer or persecutor into the role of builder, and so on.
The idea of re-deciding is very meaningful, which shows that no matter how many unfortunate past one has, one can rewrite his future life through present efforts; Explain that we can always make ourselves have a life orientation of "hello, I am fine"; Most importantly, it shows that past misfortunes will not be a permanent obstacle to future happiness, as long as we are willing!
TA theory advocates finding traces of one's own life script from the earliest fairy tales in memory, and then making a decision on one's own script when necessary.
In the whole process from contact to familiarity with interpersonal communication analysis, I have been constantly feeling and gaining power-a certain and happy power ... many things can be changed if we want.
We can put an end to those repeated psychological games and awaken ourselves and others from the unconscious, thus avoiding the sense of distortion afterwards; We can patiently understand our real needs with others, decipher the code of hidden communication, and replace the negative comfort or harm brought by games with positive and constructive complementary communication; On different occasions, we use the adult self to coordinate the parents' self and the children's self, so that the illusion, confusion and ambiguity caused by pollution can bid farewell to our lives; We can help ourselves and others get out of the drama triangle and end the vicious circle caused by indifference ... we can do many things. The most important thing is that even if we lose the opportunity to make a correct decision at an early stage, we can still make another decision under the guidance of interpersonal communication theory and deepen the positioning of "Hello, I am good". (Institute of Safety and Environmental Engineering, 2006)
After learning TA theory, I feel the change of life is wonderful. The little happiness and emotions hidden in the corner before gradually surfaced and appeared in front of me, which made me learn to cherish, learn to be moved, learn to face and learn to express. Now all the people and things I didn't understand before are suddenly enlightened. (Department of Foreign Languages, Wang Yufang University, 2007)
After learning this course, I realized that I had done a great thing. I helped her return from the gloomy situation of "I am good, you are not good" to the beautiful world of "I am good, you are also good". Although I am not sure that her life orientation has completely changed, I believe that "I am good and hello" has become the mainstream orientation in her life. Her life is changing for the better! Through this incident, I realized that our life can be rebuilt, not only ourselves, but also the people around us. (Su Yi, School of Humanities, 2007)
Conclusion:
TA is a very good theory, which can effectively improve the efficiency of interpersonal communication. Thanks to Mr. Thomas Ohlsson, Director of Communication Analysis (TSTA) in Sweden, for introducing systematic TA theory into China, so that I can better understand TA from the operational level and teach my students how to use TA.
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