The achievement of son Yan Ziyou is a barometer of mother Tian Yulan. Her son won the grand prize in the competition, and she can feel at ease, young 10 years old; Her son's grades dropped, and she was worried and anxious, even blaming the teacher.

Because of Tian Yulan's unhappy childhood, she followed her mother and married Nan Stegosaurus. Although the conditions have improved, she is suppressed by her own daughter everywhere.

In order to hold her head high, she thinks that grades are everything, and all her hopes and resources are spent on her son, Zi You, who is burdened with Tian Yulan's inferiority complex.

For the sake of her son's good school, she made a lot of plans in advance and enrolled her son in the Olympics class and other training classes. At a young age, Yan Ziyou can recite more than 200 words of pi without breathing.

Children are among the best in grades and are the children of others in everyone's mouth. But the sacrifice he made cannot be ignored. He was deprived of his hobbies, couldn't enjoy playing with his favorite ants, couldn't go out to play after finishing his homework, and couldn't have more choices of his own, so finally Ziyou collapsed.

Now the competition is getting bigger and bigger, and parents don't want their children to lose at the starting line. How to cultivate children can make them better and become their primary anxiety.

What should I do on the way to parenting? In order to make children physically and mentally healthy and become excellent?

I suggest you read Hu's Notes on Parenting for Senior Psychologists (3~7 years old).

Some people may be familiar with Hu, because there is an article written in front of him about another book, Parenting Notes of Senior Psychologists (0~3 years old), which was jointly completed by him and Douma, and provided many valuable experiences for many novice parents.

This book is like its companion. Bean mother has retired from the background. This book focuses on the growing beans and bean dad, and selects typical cases of beans on the road of growth to tell and analyze, so that parents don't have to be too anxious and learn to get along better with their children.

Hu himself is the father of two children. He has been engaged in psychoanalysis for decades. He summed up from many of his own cases that the critical period of children's growth is very critical to their growth. Once it is not handled well, it will affect their intimate relationship, making friends, socializing and so on.

As the cover of the book says: 7 years old.

Children aged 0-3 are not very self-conscious, but after the age of 3, children gradually have the resolution and more emotional feelings. How to help children better go to society, Hu gave many suggestions in the book:

Bean scene: learn to eat

This scene is familiar to many people. Now they are basically only children or two children. There are six adults around the children at home, and they have more time and energy to take care of them. Everything is going in the direction of careful parenting.

Children in some families really take care of them. Take eating as an example, they are reluctant to let go. When they are very old, they still do it by themselves.

When I go home, I watch more. Every time I go to dinner, the older generation will run after the children with rice bowls and spoons. Children will also play for a while and have a bite of rice, and adults will always feed him with bowls.

One of the reasons is that children are afraid of not having enough to eat, and the other is that if they eat by themselves, they will spill food everywhere and dirty their clothes, so it is better to feed them themselves.

Many children are thus deprived of the right to eat.

Bean dad analysis:

Children eating by themselves is actually a sense of participation, so that children can experience the fun of doing things by themselves. If parents don't let go, it is difficult for children to explore something by themselves.

Don't use control as an excuse to protect.

In the book, his bean father told such a story:

A minor who is over 1.4m in height and meets the requirements for riding a roller coaster sneaked on the roller coaster while his parents were not looking. His parents were very worried when they found out, so they came to the console and urged the staff to stop running the equipment. Finally, the roller coaster stopped on the elevated track, and the staff boarded the track and evacuated all the tourists on board.

This pair of parents have a strong desire to control their children. Spoiling their children is not real love, but their willingness to protect themselves rather than their needs.

Children who grow up in this environment are deprived of their right of autonomy from an early age. When they grow up, they have little creative thinking and will be unhappy.

Just like those parents who feed meals, they just want to mop the floor and wash clothes without much trouble, but they don't really take their children to eat by themselves as a pleasure.

Give children more opportunities to try and say, "Otherwise, let's try and see what happens." Not that you can't do it. That's dangerous.

As the author said: "Parents are not the masters of children, nor are they completely teachers. In a relatively safe environment, parents should give their children the opportunity to experience different things. In this way, children have the opportunity to become independent, creative and curious about the world instead of afraid. "

Bean scenario:

Dou's father said that Dou likes reading books and doing math problems. When reading, he can be quiet and focused, and no one will disturb him. Beans are also particularly sensitive to numbers. They spend half an hour doing math problems every day. Even if you don't brush your teeth or wash your face in the morning, you can immerse yourself in the world of math problems.

Seeing that her son likes to do problems, Dou's mother bought many primary school textbooks for him to learn. The children of Grade One have already learned the knowledge of Grade Three.

Doing math problems makes Bean confident, which is also his interest, so he is willing to spend time. On the contrary, learning piano is just the wishful thinking of Douma. She hoped to train her son to be a pianist, so she began to be enlightened at an early age and invited teachers from the Conservatory of Music.

But as the book says: whether hobbies can last depends more on whether children can enjoy them. If children get happiness and satisfaction from interest, interest will last forever.

Children's real interest is the key to their persistence and success.

Just like in Xiao Shede, Xia Huanhuan's parents signed up for her favorite interest class-singing, and she got good grades. The whole person is confident, lively and cheerful. On the other hand, Yan Ziyou was forced to attend the Olympic Mathematics class. Although he achieved satisfactory results in Tian Yulan, he was very unhappy. I can see that he was not confident when he spoke.

Children are not tools for parents to realize themselves. Parents' wishes are beyond children's reach. Children have their own hobbies, and parents should support them appropriately.

Here the author mentioned a word: narcissistic injury.

When children can't do what they like and are good at, they will have great frustration when they encounter failure, which will make children doubt their abilities and don't believe that they can do it well.

For example, many children like to participate in housework, but parents often say that you can't mop the floor, wash dishes or clean windows. Over time, children really can't do anything.

Children need learning processes and stages, so that they can do what they are interested in and get a feeling of narcissism. Correctly protecting children's narcissism is to protect children's self-confidence.

Bean scenario:

Children play together and have a lively temper. When you are chasing each other, it is inevitable that you will bump, accidentally touch or bump. When an accident happens, the injured child will certainly feel uncomfortable, but the person who hurts the child will also feel guilty and guilty. When they know that they have made a mistake, they will be very scared.

This is the reason why if you don't consider the child's mood and don't understand the facts, you will immediately scold, and the trauma brought to the child is irreparable.

I remember when I was a child, when I was looking after my cousin, he somehow fell off the sofa and fell to the ground. I was scared at that time, but everyone went to see my cousin's illness, and no one came to comfort me. Although there was no verbal reproach, I saw their reproachful eyes, so that I dared not look after the children alone for fear of accidents.

Bean dad said:

It is inevitable that some accidents will happen when friends play. When these accidents happen, parents should not let their children draw a clear line with each other, but should correctly look at the causes of the incidents and not hinder their normal social interaction because of accidents.

Just like Gu Jia in Thirty, when his son Xu Ziyan entered an aristocratic school, one of his classmates suffered from a strange disease, with convulsions all over his body and foaming at the mouth. At that time, all the wives except Gu Jia proposed to let their children drop out of school, but Gu Jia was the only one who opposed it. She believes that this disease is not an excuse to stop children from studying in kindergarten. She even talked to Xu Ziyan about the disease and told him what to do in the future.

Gu Jia's practice not only did not affect Xu Ziyan's interpersonal communication, but also helped him to establish a correct concept of making friends.

Help children establish normal social relations, don't care whether they choose to stay away or scold when they go out, but treat them rationally and explain them reasonably, so that children will not blame themselves when making friends, and be more confident and bold.

Bean scenario:

As children grow up, their sense of autonomy will become stronger and stronger, and more and more things will have their own ideas and want to make their own decisions.

However, many parents do not have this awareness. They think children are too young to have privacy. In their eyes, children have no secrets, so their territory is free to enter.

For example, some children have the habit of keeping a diary, and parents who respect their children know that this is their own secret and cannot read it. However, some parents secretly see if there are any hidden secrets on the grounds of understanding their children's inner thoughts and recent state, which infringes on their privacy, disrespects them and makes them complain.

What happens to people who have no sense of boundaries? The author gives the answer in the book:

Sometimes we can solve the problem of crossing the border in a direct way-giving up the relationship with each other. A person whose border has been violated many times will be particularly wronged and eager for the other party to respect his border. If he is not respected after communication, he will close the door of communication. If we can't ask others to respect our borders, then we can refuse others and we have the right to choose who to be friends with.

Children with a sense of boundaries will not violate other people's boundaries at will, but also know how to maintain their own boundaries; Children who have no sense of boundaries will face the crisis of interpersonal relationship when they grow up.

Once a person lacks a sense of boundary, it will cause discomfort or even rejection to others. Once the sense of boundary of others is destroyed, it is likely to destroy the relationship between the two sides, whether it is family relationship or friend relationship.

A friend of the author, H, has a close friend. No matter what happens, her friends will call her to tell her. With the increase of intimate times, H also felt a lot of pressure. Later, even when his girlfriend needed it, H had to answer the phone, whether it was day or night. H couldn't stand it anymore, and he chose to end their relationship.

People who know the sense of boundaries will have better interpersonal relationships because they know what is important.

Just as parents know how to respect their children's sense of boundaries, the parent-child relationship with their children must not be too bad. You give him enough respect, and in turn, children will respect their parents.

There are indeed many unexpected things on the way to raising a baby, and anxiety is appropriate. Growing up every day, a child's thoughts gradually mature, and they have more ideas of their own. Parents can't control their children's growth and development with their own wishes and ideas.

Everyone will be a mom and dad and have their own anxiety. In the process of children's growth, it is the wish of every parent to do their best to make their children grow better.

Hu's Notes on Parenting for Senior Psychologists (3-7 years old) selects many things that two sons encountered in the process of growing up, especially the youngest son, Doudou. By substituting scenes, parents can better understand their children.

In fact, you will feel familiar when you see the growth scene of beans. When he grows up, he wants to try to do things by himself. Make friends and have conflicts with friends; Working with dad, I know dad is fine.

These growth stories not only show the true thoughts of children, but also let people know what children should do when this happens. Although these methods may not be suitable for every child, after all, every child has his own temper, but it is still possible to refer to them.

It is impossible to raise a child without anxiety. If the right way is chosen, children can grow up physically and mentally and better adapt to society.