That's who I am.
I think the reader has thought of the next plot. Yes, although not everyone who is sensitive, introverted and relaxed will face such a dilemma, I do feel the malice of this world in the next semester of Senior Two. This semester, all my characteristics have become a stumbling block on my way forward. I panicked.
In the past, in order not to be alienated by the "deformed" college entrance examination, I told myself that sensitive introversion and relaxation are my precious wealth, so I should keep my perception of beauty in my heart and have doubts about the world. I looked up and enjoyed the afterglow of the sunset while others were burying their heads in their homework. The magnificent scene from grapefruit to rose was gorgeous all night. Extracurricular reading never chooses the time recommended by the teacher to review the materials, but indulges in Borges' imagination. At that time, I thought it was cool to choose to be myself
However, what I don't like or even despise is a stepping stone to a better college life in the future. I urgently need better grades as the capital of choice. My sensitivity made me lose in the face of pressure. Every big exam is not only a stomach upset, but also a mental breakdown. I have no confidence and courage to face the exam in which the winner is the king and the loser is the enemy. At the same time, my relaxation made me fall behind in the increasingly fierce competition. Repeated failures, repeated pains, repeated doubts. Finally, I began to ask the motif of philosophy-who are you? Where are you from? Where are you going? Confusion is not only uncertainty about the future, but also doubt about one's own existence. As Mr. Jiang Yang said, "The confusion of young people is that they think too much and read too little." In high school, our vision is limited by textbooks and homework, and there is no corresponding channel to explore the results of empty questions. I listened to SOS D'un Terrien en Detresse, looked at Oknos of Sernoux, and looked for another self in this world. My childhood is gone, and my paradise is lost forever. Of course, such questions are fruitless, and young high school students can't exhaust the true meaning of life, which will only increase their troubles. I even had a tendency to be depressed at one time.
I saw it, I saw it.
Why do you live and why do you die?
Why are you crying for joy?
This is a threatened country.
This is the cry for help of a sad man.
In such an evaluation system, I don't need such myself. So I made a decision. I decided to kill myself.
Nietzsche said that when you stare into the abyss, the abyss also stares at you. In the process of staring, I became an abyss. Of course it was painful at first. Suicide means saying goodbye to me. I learned to bury myself in my studies and never look at the colorful night sky again; I abandoned all novels and chewed boring review materials repeatedly; There are no more interesting stick figures in my draft book. Instead, there are many mathematical calculations. It only took a month from the beginning of my heart discomfort to the end of my numbness. I killed myself, and I merged into the stream of people, becoming an inconspicuous point. There is no longer me in the world, only a senior three student who calls my name. I am like everyone else, but I am not like myself.
Think this is the beginning of a counterattack story? No, since then, my grades have not improved, or even worse. Later, when I reflect on this experience, I will find that the reason is to touch the advantages of others with my own shortcomings, and I will take learning from others as a habit like a child. But at that time, my idea was that this strategy was not implemented thoroughly enough, because I left some relaxation time at the weekend. So, I canceled the only time I could have leisure. The first week or two was fine, but I was a little bored and depressed. Since the third week, I have been accompanied by a sense of fatigue that cannot be solved. I have tried many methods, such as listening to rock music, running and meditation, but they have no obvious effect. That numbness and fatigue is a very uncomfortable state. You live in this world, but you have no interest in it, and you don't know whether you are dead or alive. Finally, I went to the other extreme. Put Ringo Ash's voice in the headphones for the loudest, and enjoy the feeling of independence. Fantasize, fantasize about being a queen, take off your headphones or a feather. Stay up late every night playing mobile phone until one or two in the morning to find what I call myself. Only in this way can I believe that I am a living person, not a machine that can solve problems. I tried to take a boat ticket out of the stagnant water with a short stimulus, but a flat boat can't cross the mountains and rivers. Before long, my spirit and body collapsed, and I even blamed myself for not working hard. If you had stood in front of me, I would have said, it's not your fault, you gave up on yourself. But I don't understand.
Time is running out, there is only one month left. Anxiety, nervousness, complaints, and all kinds of emotions come to mind. There will be no great reversal, and there will be no heroes in the world. That's it for my senior year, I think.
But I did a psychological test, a test that might change my life. In Zhihu, I saw the description of Asperger's disease and related self-diagnosis forms in despair, and the test results "very likely" showed this. Look at those descriptions, one by one poking my heart, the lonely dead child was restored to the fullest. Even though I was more convinced that I was an Asperger's tendency NT, I believed that I was Asperger's disease at that time. Humans like to make excuses, don't they? It is no exaggeration to say that I was moved to cry that night, because I finally felt that I was not an island, and I was truly connected with all mankind. I also make excuses for everything in the past.
With this excuse, I accepted myself. No longer fidgety and ambitious, I tolerate all my strengths and weaknesses. After all, many times, people's anxiety comes from the gap between unrealistic fantasy and reality. Sensitive, right? Then I'll move out and live, and I won't have to endure the friction with my roommates in my life. Introversion? Then don't spend time pretending to be a social butterfly. Use books and diaries to maintain private territory. Relax, then don't bombard with schedules, and do happy things when you want. It seems that I don't want to make progress, but I actually have a learning effect and a qualitative leap, because the starting point of everything is my own pleasure, because I live for myself. That week was my most reassuring week. I didn't fear the future, didn't think about the past, and ushered in the college entrance examination with such a mentality.
I don't accept myself for the first time and am proud of my unique capital characteristics. The second time I refused to accept myself, I hated myself and finally killed myself. I finally accepted myself for the third time. Finally, it really has a good ending. My college entrance examination score is about twenty or thirty minutes more than usual, and I was admitted to an ideal university.
There are two things in the world that can't be deceived: love and yourself. I am writing this now, not because of letting go of the past, but because of the luck of a successful person. I understand that some things can't go on. They will become rheumatic knees, and they will feel dull pain every rainy day. But I still want to write this article and pretend to say goodbye to the past. From then on, just like the ending of every fairy tale-they lived a happy life.
This is a story of a person's struggle. If you have a similar experience, please remember that you are not alone. And if you don't have this experience, please treat it as a story after a meal. How I hope everyone will treat it as a story.