I remember a male parent who brought his children to class every week. He speaks with a northeast accent and is particularly impatient with children. Moreover, the boy is shy, unwilling to talk more, and unwilling to communicate with teachers and children.
Once, on the way to class, other children introduced themselves. When it was the boy's turn, he always leaned in his father's arms and refused to introduce himself as usual. At this time, his father's face hung up, and he couldn't help swearing: "Just say that you have anything good, crying like a girl all day." The boy began to sob quietly, and finally, they left without class.
This often happens, and boys become more and more silent, unwilling to communicate, and tears often swirl in their eyes.
Similarly, in the face of children splashing around in life, do you often encounter such a scene:
Mom took a 6-year-old boy to the show.
The boy said, "The performance is so boring."
Mom said, "It's not boring at all. That's great. I won't take you next time. "
A 3-year-old boy hides behind his mother in class.
The child said, "I won't go."
Mother said, "What's so embarrassing about this? You are too timid. "
Mother turned to other parents and said, "My children are all right, but they are timid."
The 6-year-old girl came crying to her mother and said, "Mom, I lost my toy."
Mother replied, "Why are you crying? Who told you to throw it around? "
"I want that toy, wow! Wow! "
"Why do you always do this? This is not the first time. I told you not to throw toys around or just not listen. "
Did everyone see it? Parents are denying their children's feelings over and over again, and the conversation finally points to quarreling. Parents keep telling their children not to trust their feelings, but to trust their parents' judgment. The message parents send to their children is:
The child doesn't know what he is talking about.
Children don't know what they know.
Children have no feelings of their own.
There are right and wrong behaviors and no good or bad emotions. This means that all children's emotions should be accepted by their parents, but their behavior needs to be restricted by their parents. Only by dealing with emotions first and getting rid of them can we handle things better. When a person is frustrated, most decisions made are wrong. Similarly, children will behave well only if they feel good.
There will be a thousand hamlets in the eyes of a thousand people, and a thousand people will have a thousand emotions in the face of the same thing. For example.
Mary, 14 years old, is going to have a birthday. Mary invited ABC students to her birthday party separately.
What kind of feedback will these classmates have?
A classmate: I'm depressed because I'm afraid of social occasions. Choosing gifts makes me nervous.
I'm so happy. Mary is my best friend, and I like lively occasions.
Classmate C: I am calm, which neither makes me happy nor bothers me.
Emotional ABC theory tells us that things themselves are only indirect causes of our emotions and behaviors, and our cognition and evaluation of things are the direct causes of our emotions and behaviors.
Facing the same thing, everyone's mood is completely different. Are these emotions wrong? If children and our emotions are not on the same channel, should we stop violence? As a result, children begin to question their feelings and then deny them. After a long time, they become numb and unwilling to accept their feelings. We know that the parents of the older generation like to suppress their feelings and are used to sacrificing themselves to fulfill others. However, if they feel depressed for a long time, they will show it in another form, such as nagging, complaining and cold violence. One sentence we often hear is "I did all this for you and for this family." It is the responsibility of every parent to help children manage their emotions.
Do you still remember the news that/kloc-a 0/7-year-old boy jumped from an elevated building and died because of a few words with his mother?
Because children's emotions are not understood and released, they have no ability to manage their emotions. Parents scold blindly, so that children can express their anger in such a self-destructive way.
Cai Kangyong talked about a psychological term called "emotional granularity" in his EQ class, which refers to our ability to identify emotions. If you are an emotional person, you will know how to distinguish different emotions. Some people can not only tell whether this person is crying because of sadness, emotion or disappointment, but also distinguish different types of sadness.
Help children become masters of emotions, so that children can truly be themselves and know where their boundaries are. Slowly, children will become more and more aware of what kind of person they are. A large number of studies show that emotional health and emotional management ability occupy an even more important position than IQ in a person's life. We should stop encouraging children to hide their emotions and live alone like our generation.
Help children manage their emotions. The first step is to help children confirm their emotions. All children's emotions and feelings are realized through their parents. They know what anger is from their parents' words and deeds.
Remember the first scene described above? The child feels that the performance is boring, and the mother can help the child to confirm his mood and describe the child's mood. "Baby, so this performance bothers you. You don't like it, do you?" This way guides children to pay attention to their emotions and repeatedly confirm their feelings. Slowly, parents can have a deeper understanding of the deeper reasons behind their children's emotions.
Then the second step is to find the real reason behind the baby's emotions. In the second scene mentioned above, what is the reason behind the child's fear? The mother publicly accused the child of cowardice, which labeled the child. Then when the child was shy, she found herself the center of attention and attracted more attention from her mother. If a child gets no attention when he is shy, there is no reason to continue to be shy.
While helping children to confirm their emotions, we should pay more attention to "feelings", which is our third step. John dewey, a famous American philosopher, believes that the deepest need in human nature is "the desire to be valued". When we attach importance to children, truly feel their inner world and listen to their feelings attentively, then their emotions will be better managed.
In the above scene 3, the girl lost her toy and cried for her mother. If the mother can kneel down and hug the child, she will understand her feelings. "Baby, this is so sad. It will be very sad if mother loses what she loves most. " And let the children vent their emotions and suffer, then this matter can leave the smallest trauma in the children's hearts. When the child is most sad, parents have to abuse each other, which undoubtedly casts a shadow over the child's heart. For example, 17-year-old boy who jumped off a bridge had nowhere to put his emotions, and finally his emotions reached saturation and he could only destroy himself.
As mentioned above, helping children to manage their emotions can help them to confirm their emotions, at the same time, they have feelings for them, and they should also look for deeper reasons behind their emotions. Besides, we should learn to listen and treat children equally.
It is very important to help children accept their feelings. When we admit that children's feelings are real, we give them the power to act. Good feeling leads to good behavior. If you haven't realized the importance of helping children accept emotions, let's take a look at the following cases:
Adele, a famous parenting expert, told a story that happened to Jill, a child. When Jill and her friends were swimming in the swimming pool, a big boy came to play with them and took them behind a tree farther away. The big boy wanted to lick their toes, which made her friends laugh, but Jill ran home soon. She feels a little sick, but she doesn't know what's wrong.
Jill relies on her feelings to stay away from danger. Children trust themselves and their intuition. If you deny the child's emotions, it does not mean destroying the child's ability to perceive danger. When we tell children that they don't know anything, we are tearing off their protective layer, making their perception dull and unable to trust their intuition and judgment, because adults always think of them.
A farmer met three workers and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first worker replied, "I am making money to support myself."
The second worker said, "I'm laying bricks."
The third worker replied, "I'm building a cathedral."
We are all workers and raising children. We just raise our children, or we regard it as an opportunity to shape their character. The way we treat our children determines what kind of people they will become in the future.