I went to the library to participate in activities yesterday and saw a mother and daughter quarreling in the square. However, a seven-or eight-year-old girl will not give up holding a toy. My mother repeatedly stressed that if you have this toy, we won't buy it, but the girl just doesn't agree. If it hadn't been for her mother's severe reprimand, the girl would have left with her toys.

When my mother saw that persuasion failed, she wanted to grab the toy directly. At this time, the girl kicked her mother and shouted, "You are not my mother, why do you care about me!" "

People who eat melons around seem to understand what is really similar and start to talk carefully. Mother was angry and anxious, and finally she had to lose the toy.

The girl ran to the library with a toy in her arms, and her mother sighed and ran after her.

I can't help wondering when our children have so much power to treat their mothers like this.

After the activity, I happened to meet a question from the girl's mother. The girl's mother asked, "Teacher Zhang, my child is rebellious, disobedient and crazy. What should I do? " Then I described the children's daily life. Because I was a witness in the square at that time, I asked one more question: "Is this child angry and said that you are not your biological mother?"

The lady paused, then nodded and said, "The child doesn't know what's going on. When I criticize him and don't meet some of his conditions, just say I'm not her real mother and leave me alone. But I am really her biological mother! "

Adler, a famous psychologist, once said: "Everything a child does seems to express his whole life and personality. Without understanding this hidden background, you can't understand what he does. "

When the child is angry, he says that his mother is not his own mother. I hope that his mother will leave herself alone. Behind this is actually the child's desire to gain a sense of belonging and status. She is actually shouting: "Mom, please care for me, I need a sense of belonging." "Mom, I need your help." It's just that many times, we don't quite understand the reasons behind children's behavior.

Recently, I was reading The Magic Book of Positive Discipline, which is another "new" book in the positive discipline family. The author is Amy McCready, a well-known American early education expert, the founder of American positive parenting institutions, and one of the main promoters of the concept of positive discipline.

Adler's argument about children's psychological needs is summarized at the beginning of the book "Positive Discipline Magic":

These three arguments are the theoretical support of almost 90% parenting books on the market. We want to solve children's problems, but in the end, we only solve children's sense of belonging and status in various relationships.

When a child truly feels his sense of belonging and can find his place in the family and group, his growth will be much smoother. As parents, we need many methods and skills to cultivate children's sense of family belonging and status, and to make them become grateful and responsible people. Here, I would like to share with you three small methods in the Regular Magic Book:

1, ten minutes of physical and mental time every day-giving children a sense of belonging

When children lack a sense of belonging and status, they will try their best to verify whether "parents love me or not, and whether parents value me".

Just like the little girl at the beginning of this article, she will ask for a toy of the same model from home in the form of crying and will say that her mother is not her own mother. All this behavior is not that she just wants a toy, or doesn't like her mother, but more that she needs to make sure: "Does mother love me or not?" She will tolerate my behavior to that extent. "And her mother's reaction will be the basis for her to judge her sense of status.

And children will have such behavior, which often just shows that the company we give our children is not the company that children need, or that the quality company we give our children is not enough.

Some mothers will be surprised that I give my children too much company. As soon as I get off work, I spend all my time watching my children do their homework. Isn't what I give high-quality companionship?

Alas! Maybe we feel good about our quality company, but for children, it is no less than monitoring. In the process of doing homework with him, we gained our sense of value and accomplishment, while the child was suffering. They need not only such things as doing homework, but also companionship nourished by body, mind and spirit. High-quality companionship means that we let go of everything and accompany our children to do what they like for 10 minutes.

In 10 minutes, all we saw was the child and his favorite things. These things can be to help her paint her nails, or they can be dressed as planes to fly him. As long as the child wants to do something that won't hurt others, we can play with him 10 minutes.

My family's favorite thing recently is to watch sheep, and then pick a morning glory against the morning sun. Every morning I will wait for her to get up, then take her to see other people's domestic sheep nearby, and then look for morning glory together. In this process, sometimes she will tell me about her dreams at night, and sometimes she just looks at the sheep quietly and picks flowers. This seemingly boring thing brings us closer and closer, and her mood is getting better and better. The reason is that Body, Mind and Time let me participate in her world, and she gained a sense of belonging and status in a subtle way.

2. Ignore unnecessary attention-let children have a sense of boundaries.

Accompanied by "physical and mental time", children often have basic survival nutrition and rarely do things that deliberately attract attention, but children are children after all, and their ability to delay satisfaction is still very small. It is easy for us to meet when cooking or answering the phone. Children suddenly have a whim and need our help.

At this time, it is necessary to use "ignoring unnecessary attention" to let the child know that parents can accompany her, but they can't always put her requirements first.

Therefore, when we use "ignore unnecessary attention", we need to tell our children in advance under what circumstances we can't disturb their parents: for example, when their parents are on the phone and their mother is busy, we can also signal our children that when we do something or say a word, she will no longer get her mother's attention, and her mother will pay attention to her when she is busy.

Through this agreement, it will not destroy the sense of belonging and status that we have built up with our children, but also let the children learn to observe their words and deeds and know when their parents are more likely to agree with her and when they need absolute silence. This is also a way to help children determine boundaries.

3. Gentle and firm persistence-develop parenting habits.

Many methods are very effective in parenting. If we really want it to play its due role in our parenting life, we need to be gentle and firm. No habit can be formed overnight. We need love, patience and determination to cultivate children's good habits, so as to cultivate children to acquire the habits we expect her to acquire.

For example, if you want your child to stop being a clingy person, you need to stick to "physical and mental time" and try to give your child 10 minutes of quality company every day, so that when he has unnecessary attention, we can strongly refuse. Often at first, our refusal will lead to children's resistance. At this time, we need to gently and firmly adhere to the previous agreement with our children.

When children find that crying doesn't get the attention they want, parents will keep their promises and give them the attention they need at the appointed time, and they will gain more security and make sure that their parents really love themselves. So those negative behaviors will gradually decrease.

These simple methods are not the only ones in the active training magic book. The book is divided into two parts. One part helps parents to control themselves from giving in to their children from the perspective of parents' change, and the other part teaches parents to cultivate grateful and responsible children by methods. There are 32 skills in the book, and each skill has detailed explanations and answering methods, so that we can avoid detours in operation.

It is not easy to raise an independent, motivated and grateful child. Fortunately, we have a way to follow.