Notes on Qian Zhiliang's lecture in the Education Department of Beijing Normal University [1] How to be a qualified parent in a new era 1. Ideas decide actions-Are you right in educating your children? 1. What is a child? A child is the crystallization of love-husband and wife * * * have: the child is the bond of the family, and the child is the continuation of life-inheriting race: the child is the shadow of parents, and the child is happiness and happiness-paying attention to the process: the child is the core of the family, and the child is the hope and future-bearing the old age: the child is the investment of the future, and the child is a person or thing. Don't treat the child as a toy. Don't treat children as punching bags for early education and over-education-insulting irony, beating corporal punishment. 2. What influences the development of children? Internal factors (genetic quality, differences in pregnancy and labor process) and environmental factors (family environment, interpersonal environment, natural environment, community environment, social environment, etc.). Educational factors (early education status, education level, education content, teaching methods, etc.). Subjective initiative (initiative, self-motivated). It is the basis and premise to treat children's innate development correctly: while acknowledging that "as you sow, you reap what you sow", you also admit that "there are nine children born in a dragon, each with its own differences", and the environment against "genetic determinism" is the condition; While acknowledging that "those who are close to Mexico are black", we can also see the existence of the phenomenon of "getting out of the mud without dyeing", and the education against "environmental determinism" is the key. The subjective initiative against the "omnipotence of education" is the decisive factor: seeing the fact that countless adversities have been transformed into talents, "Heaven rewards diligence" and opposing the "subjective determinism" that "you will win only if you work hard". 3. What kind of person do you want your children to be? What kind of people does the country need? Don't be crooked, mediocre and wasteful. What is the most important thing for people? Body > personality > personality > contribution > knowledge > birth, gender, appearance and height. People's intelligence is diverse: language, mathematical logic, music, sports, spatial relations, interpersonal relationships, self-cognition, natural cognition and humor. Everyone has talent, everyone has incompetence, strengths and weaknesses, everyone becomes a talent, and the role determines fate-have you successfully played the role of parents? 1. Pay attention to their healthy sleep: time and quality; Nutrition and health care: healthy diet; Physical exercise: form a habit. 2. Pay attention to its investment in spiritual education: pay for children's education as much as possible to ensure that children receive a better education; ..... Parent-child communication: waiting for opportunities to convey "I care about you", "I love you" and "you are very important to me" to children through words, expressions, movements and physical contact; All-round care: let children realize your reasonable expectations in caring about his life, health, thoughts, morality, hobbies, emotional behavior, etc.: let children realize your appropriate, serious and sincere expectations of him and encourage them to "you can do it!" "Come on!" "Don't lose heart!" "Try again!" ; Once the child has a good performance, encourage him to "you are great!" " "How can you be so capable? ! ""You are great "and" I am so proud of you! " Wait; Once the child encounters setbacks, he will comfort him in time, help him analyze the reasons, encourage him to continue his efforts, and believe that he can succeed! ..... 3. Worried that its safety and physical strength are not enough to resist foreign invasion; Lack of intelligence, unable to foresee the danger of injury; Experience is not enough to recognize the environment; The ability to bear psychological harm is not enough; Lively and curious, imitating often creates accidents; The ability to distinguish right from wrong is not perfect. With the continuous improvement of social modernization, there are more and more hidden dangers threatening human health: traffic accidents, high-rise buildings, food and drug poisoning, "electric tigers", "angry tigers", ruthless burning and drowning, hidden dangers of toys, radiation and noise, and the influence of various media and networks. The only child is 100% for parents, and no one can be careless! 4. Value guides good behavior. He is looking forward to your return; Bad words and deeds need your correction and restraint; Wrong behavior requires you to give necessary punishment; All kinds of phenomena around you need you to judge-children's correct outlook on life, world outlook and values need parents to cultivate love for parents, family, neighbors, people, sex, family, community, hometown, country, earth, greed, competition, struggle and war in their young hearts. Third, the attitude of parents determines the child's personality-is your parenting style appropriate? Parents' attitude and children's performance Parents' attitude towards their children is submissive, passive, dependent, gentle and overly concerned, naive, dependent, neurotic, passive, timid, lacking in social interaction, considerate, kind, non-neurotic, emotionally stable, indulgent, rebellious, naive, neurotic, obedient, irresponsible, disobedient, aggressive, rude and indifferent, aggressive, emotionally unstable, and indifferent. Trying to attract attention, indifferent to the people, independent, straightforward, cooperative, cordial, communication-oriented, dependent, rebellious, emotionally unstable, self-centered, dare to believe the same words, and believe their loved ones; Walk with the same life and do what you serve. Life is young and the spirit is patented, so we should teach early, so don't miss the opportunity. Children living in different situations will have different development: if they live in criticism, they learn to blame; Living in hostility, children learn to fight; Living with ridicule, children learn to be embarrassed; Living in humiliation, children learn guilt; Living in tolerance, children learn to be generous; Living in praise, children learn to improve their own value; Living in fairness, children learn justice; Living in safety, children learn to trust others; Living in praise, children learn to love themselves; Living in mutual recognition and friendship, children learn to find love. 1. Autocratic parents tend to make their children feel inferior, cowardly, indifferent and negative, and they are prone to fear or anxiety, hostility or cruelty, and they are prone to uncontrollable rebellious, stubborn, aggressive and impulsive behaviors. Another kind of autocracy-overprotection: it is easy to produce separation anxiety, refuse to enter the park, refuse to go to school, refuse to communicate with classmates, refuse to teach and help, and form children's withdrawal behavior, self-centeredness and overprotection. It is easy to cause frustration, opposition, inferiority, hatred, jealousy, and even attack and revenge. Tension in interpersonal relationships leads to emotional problems. 2. Laissez-faire parents should be infants, know people's colors and emotions, and then teach them to do whatever they want, and stop when they should. Compared with a few years old, they can save punishment; Teaching women is new, teaching children and babies; I am used to being arrogant and slow, only copying, killing without prestige, getting angrier and more resentful, catching up with growth, and finally losing my morality-Yan Zhitui: Yan's family instructions are not interested in children's behavior and learning, nor care about them, and rarely take care of them. "When I was a child, I gave it to my nanny or grandparents, to my teacher at school, and to the society when I grew up." -"hands-on" parents said. The final result is: parents grow up, and the police control the indulgent and doting children: poor self-control, self-centeredness, weak moral concept, lack of codes and norms, vague social responsibility, indulgence of arrogance and selfish morality and jealousy, easy to produce opposition, hatred and aggression when interacting with people, unable to learn to endure when desire is not satisfied, and unable to adapt to society. More is to analyze and guide children's behavior; Take more ways to help and encourage children's problems in their growth or study; Reasonable use of rewards and punishments means, so that children can gain knowledge and understand things from their parents' behavior and education. Democratic education does not mean that everything is negotiated: democracy needs concentration, and children will not see the problem deeply because of the limitations of knowledge and social experience; Carved and comprehensive; Some important issues should be discussed by all family members. Parents can unify their views in advance, and 2: 1 requires the minority to obey the majority, so as to ensure that their children develop along the correct social norms! Advise fathers: don't be idle. In an era of fierce competition, it is not easy to be a man. Fight for your career, take care of your family, and don't take it out on your own flesh and blood. It is dad's fault not to teach, but not to make mistakes due to his duty: inspiration from ideas, angles and methods; The guide to life advises mothers: stay out of it. In the hostess, it is more difficult to be a woman when you have to go to work during the day; Busy inside and outside, there are old people in the world and small people in the world. You can't plant other people's land and waste your own land. Be a "loving mother" instead of a "tigress": used to it; The cultivation of emotional intelligence should take corresponding countermeasures according to different ages: age stage goal countermeasures 2-3 The independent consciousness in the first negative stage is allowed to adapt to 7-8, the authority is challenged in the second resistance period, and the self-reliance and self-care communication in adolescence are resolutely suppressed in the third resistance period. Fourth, the environment determines the effect-is there a family learning atmosphere for children? 1. Love to learn and make progress. 2. Parents' positive attitude towards schools and teachers. 3. Provide a fixed learning place for children. 4. Pay attention to setting an example of putting things back in their original place after use, and cultivate the habit of putting things back in their original place after use. This will not only keep the learning environment clean and orderly, but also save time in finding school supplies. Otherwise: school supplies are scattered and messy, and you can't find them for a long time, which not only wastes time, but also affects your learning mood, hinders your concentration, reduces your learning efficiency and affects your studies. If it is serious, it is very likely to induce children's attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. You can subscribe to some newspapers and magazines at home according to the economic situation and children's interests. 6. Strengthen communication-overcoming the "generation gap" always feels that children are too old to listen. In fact, the fundamental reason is that some parents usually don't pay attention to their own learning and accumulation, their knowledge structure is not as good as that of children, and they no longer occupy an authoritative position in children's minds, but some parents still exercise their parental power, which will lead to children's rebellious psychology: if they openly confront each other, they will refute you whatever you say, and they will be very upset and sad if they can't communicate; Or say nothing to you, "non-violence and non-cooperation", go your own way, and parents can't intervene in anything. 7. Pay attention to lifestyle breakfast; Choose food appropriately; Ensure nutrition supply; Put an end to silly eating and drinking; Prevent passive smoking; Regularly defecate every day; Life lies in exercise; Pay attention to the problem of sleep. 8. Inheritance of family education: n Love the motherland: start from respecting parents and loving the family; N Serving the people: starting from uniting classmates and serving the community; N advocates science; Starting from the practice test; Starting from self-care and housework; Solidarity and mutual assistance; Start with win-win cooperation; N Honest and trustworthy; Start with trustworthiness; Starting from obeying the law; Start from the right; Start with hard work; Start with finishing your homework carefully; 5. Study habits determine the development of life-your children. Learning habit refers to the special tendency of students to carry out specific activities automatically in specific situations, which is a kind of learned motivation stereotype that tends to be stable; The reason of habit formation is that a certain stimulus scene and some actions of individuals form a stable temporary nerve connection-conditioned reflex chain system. When individuals are in the same stimulus scene, the conditioned reflex chain system will automatically appear, and people will naturally or automatically perform the same action. Good living habits are the premise of good study habits: life rules: get up early and go to bed late; Don't choose your diet; Eat moderately, but don't overdo it Pay attention to hygiene at dawn: wash in the morning; You should clean your hands when you urinate. Sweep the court, clean inside and outside. Follow the routine: slowly open the curtains, there is no sound; Turn away, don't touch the edge; Enter the virtual room, if someone; Will get started and ask which one to save; In class, you will be polite: take your time and stand up straight; Bow deep and round, pay attention to tidy up respectfully: the crown must be straight and the knot must be knotted; Socks and shoes are cut tightly; Crown suit with positioning; Don't screw up, don't cause pollution, and deal with it calmly: don't be busy, it's even worse to be busy; Don't be afraid of difficulties and don't ignore 1. The habit of being diligent in thinking and daring to tackle key problems. The habit of studying within the specified time. Avoid procrastination and dawdling. The good habit of asking questions if you don't understand 5. Review the habit of previewing new lessons from old lessons. The habit of checking carefully after finishing homework 7. Good rest habits for children coming home from school: eight songs: put away your schoolbag and change your shoes and clothes; Pay attention to hygiene and wash your hands; Be sure to drink water to eat; Sit down quickly and review first; Feel free to do your homework; Check right and wrong carefully; Preview what to learn tomorrow; Pack your bags and get ready for fun. 8. Cultivate children to develop 25 good habits from an early age: patriotism and law-abiding, love the motherland, and consciously stand up when raising the national flag and playing the national anthem; N care about current affairs and read newspapers and news every day; N Take care of cultural relics and do not "leave a name" for sightseeing; N obey the law, walk to the right, consciously queue up n to act according to law and protect yourself with the law; Polite and honest \ n Treat people politely and greet people; N Praise others and encourage others; N seek truth from facts and do what you say; N Cherish life and protect animals and plants; N Obey the rules and don't smoke or vibrate your mobile phone in public; Unity and friendship n is good at cooperation and seeks win-win in "reciprocity"; N learn to discuss and have something to say; N Respect others, listen to others patiently, don't tamper with other people's things, be humble, smile, whisper in public, benefit others, and put used things back; N Diligence and self-improvement, rational consumption, and not spending a penny indiscriminately; N cherish time as gold and arrange the time of each day; N Pay attention to health and exercise every day; N optimistic and open-minded, and actively choose when encountering things; N pay attention to cleanliness and clean every day; N responsibility is the most important, dare to take responsibility and dare to take responsibility; N dedication, dedication, perseverance, perseverance, everything has always been; N enthusiastic about public welfare, voluntary activities are often done; N Pursuing benefits and calculating costs in everything; N lifelong learning, combination of learning and application, long skills. 6. Being able to give birth can teach-do you have any misunderstandings in family education? 1. Give up the cost and pay more attention to feeding than education; Pay more attention to cognition than exercise; Pay more attention to material things than spiritual comfort; Pay more attention to IQ development than EQ training; Attach importance to intellectual development and ignore wisdom; Pay more attention to knowledge and skills than social adaptation; Pay more attention to the study of appearance skills than the shaping of ethical and moral soul; Pay more attention to the success of learning results than the happiness of learning process; Value norms over morality. 2. Treat children as adults. 3. Ignoring punishment. 4. Ignore the reward. 5. Too many accusations and denials. 6. Ignore letting children learn to suffer. 7. Children don't study well because their attitude is not serious. 7. How to treat children correctly? -poor, understand, they are not easy. If what a child learns from parents and teachers is diligence, kindness, self-improvement, tenacity, kindness, love, courtesy, honesty and trustworthiness, and conscientious, then even if the academic performance is not good, it is only temporary. Even if his grades are average when he graduates, he will certainly live a full and happy life in the future, and even make great achievements. May you, me and our children have: upward, realistic, kind, perfect, kind, moral, etiquette, diligence, wisdom, honesty, justice, rationality, innocence, freedom, hope, enthusiasm, courage, faith, integrity and spirit! Some suggestions for young parents 1. Always full of hope for children. 3. Always encourage children. Don't throw cold water on children when they fail. Parents should do what they are asked to do first. 5. Parents do not quarrel in front of their children; 6. Don't speak ill of grandparents or grandparents to children; 7. Be able to admit your mistakes to your children; 8. Don't scold children in front of others; 9. Don't be short-handed when others point out children's shortcomings. Give children time and space for free activities every day. Take children to outdoor activities every day. Encouraging children to take the initiative to do things, even if they fail, is worthwhile. Often discuss various issues with children and strengthen communication. No matter how busy you are, listen patiently 17. When criticizing children, children are allowed to defend and refute 19. Generally, children are not forced to make their own choices and judgments. 22. Pay attention to children's emotional changes and understand their psychological needs. 23. At home, give children a world of their own. 24. It is not advisable to buy too many high-end toys for children. 25. Don't frighten your children easily. 26. Always keep in touch with the teacher. 27. When a child makes a mistake, ask him for advice as much as possible. 29. Don't indulge children's comparison psychology. 30. Don't turn a blind eye to children, and don't let yourself go.