A mother proudly told me that my family's new moon is very powerful. There are basically no children in the month, and the children are lying on their own. Mothers sometimes seem to agree with this logic. After all, children can be raised without hugs, and we hope it will be easier. But, is this good?
Some people will tell you that if children want to be independent, they can't always hold them. Let him lie on his own and cultivate his independence. Is it true?/You don't say. /You don't say.
Psychologist Winnicott said: "From the moment you are pregnant, the baby has become a passer-by in your body;" As soon as the baby is born, it becomes a temporary tenant in your arms. "
In this temporary stay, an important role of the mother is to "hold" and create a stable and inclusive environment for the child with her talent and intuition. The concept of holding includes holding space and holding experience. If you can really hold the child, the child can feel that he is being taken care of. Mom can feel happy and happy because of herself. When the child explores outward, the mother will provide a safe harbor for the child to hold. When the child encounters setbacks, the mother can appease him. When the child feels uneasy and confused, the mother can also help the child sort out his mood. These abilities are the natural abilities of mothers with better mental development. Mothers also promote reflection through learning and respond to their children's feelings.
Among them, physical hug is very important. Children come to the empty world from the womb and need to "come back" to their mothers' arms. Mother's arms, like the uterus, surround him, giving him "the most desired sense of security" and warmth. This feeling is especially important for newborn babies.
"By expressing love through physical care and giving the baby physical satisfaction, the mother began to integrate the baby's spirit into the baby's body."
So mothers can put their children on the bed, interact around them and relax themselves, but they should also hug their children when they need it, instead of training them, because hugs are of great significance to them.
Independence is everyone's expectation for their children's future, and "not holding" is the way for some family members to realize this expectation in the future.
Ella Sharp said: Encouraging children to follow a pre-arranged plan is harmful to the relationship between children and mother. Mothers want to speed up their children's progress, usually because of anxiety.
So what is anxiety?
Does mom want to hold the baby or not? Want to! How comfortable the child is in the mother's arms, how comfortable it is for the mother to hold the soft and warm child, and the feeling of being completely dependent and needed makes mothers enjoy it.
But mothers are worried that, as others say, if they hold their children willfully, will they be independent enough when they grow up? During the baby's six months, mother and son are immersed in the tacit understanding and fun of each other's needs and timely response. Is it really harmful?
Dependence is the premise of independence, because "close connection" leads to "safe exploration". I saw a link in the early education center called separation time. Those children over one and a half years old will leave their mothers in the middle of the classroom to play with toys. Those children who are very close to their mothers seldom look back at their mothers when playing with toys, because he knows that their mothers are there, and he doesn't need to spend energy to confirm whether he is safe, because the experience that his mothers have always given him is safety.
Melanie klein, a psychologist, said: Little babies have a strong interest and growing curiosity about things around them, are willing to know about people and things in their hearts, and are happy with their achievements. He is so closely connected with his mother that this extremely strong attachment nature can easily drive him away. Such attachment causes fear of losing this absolutely important person, and as a result, he is afraid of relying on her and subconsciously tends to give up her.
Mothers may complain when their children are two or three months old. Children always have to rely on themselves, and many mothers also buy scarves so that they can take their children everywhere.
However, by about four months, those completely satisfied children will twist down and can't stop. They want to leave their mother and explore for themselves. Their curiosity and desire to be separated from their mother prompted them to leave their mother and lie on the ground to practice turning over, sitting and crawling.
What kind of "hugs" do child care doctors and psychologists worry about respectively?
A child care doctor told me that he met many family members in his clinical work and wouldn't let his children go down to activities. Children clearly want to come down to play, but they are not allowed at home. In this way, the time for children to develop big movements is slow.
Winnicott, a famous psychologist who used to be a pediatrician, also said: Some children are not allowed to lie quietly in bed even from early infancy, and they are not allowed to lie there freely, so they will lose important experience opportunities.
As we said before, when a child wants to be held, the family does not hold it for "training", which is harmful to the child. The child obviously wants to be alone, but he has to be picked up. In both cases, family members can't see the real needs of children.
Therefore, this is not a rude question of whether to hug or not, but the difference between "visible" and "invisible".
From a psychological point of view, when I talked with psychologist Ye Agile, he said: "Coping" is the most important thing. That is, when a mother is holding a child, she should interact with the child and respond to the child's eyes, voice and so on. In fact, what mom will do naturally.
If the person who usually takes care of the child holds the child but doesn't respond, then this hug will be greatly reduced. Hugging is a medium to convey love and attention.
The old man at home told me not to hug often and let the child lie down by himself. It doesn't matter if they cry. If they cry too much, they will get used to lying down, so that the children will be obedient.
But I always feel something is wrong. I've never been immune to crying. Adults still want someone to hear their voice and respond to them. Why can't we respond to our dearest child from each other's standpoint?
As soon as the child is born, her whole world is only her mother. Isn't it normal to rely on mom to hug? Why train children to lie down?
I've always disagreed with this. Although it was really tiring to sleep with the child in my arms at first, I really enjoyed the time with the child later.
It's eight months now, and the child is very shy. As long as you stick to me at home and give me a hug, all the old people and relatives in the family say that my children are uncomfortable with outsiders and can't give others a hug. They all say that if he wants a private hug, just give him a hug. (explanation: this is actually because children can distinguish their mothers from others in perception, which is a great progress in children's cognitive ability. Moreover, at this time, the child returned to his mother's arms and clung to his mother in order to better prepare for further development. )
I have a close relationship with my children. To put it bluntly, I always feel that I can read children from their eyes. My child always loves to laugh when he is with me, and thinks he is at ease, but when he sees a stranger trying to hug her, he hides, and the stranger cries for me to hug her back.
I think it is normal for children to be unfamiliar, but every time the old man talks about the problem of children being unfamiliar, I always feel uncomfortable.