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The relationship between mother and baby determines the starting point of life. Everything a child experiences in childhood may affect his career, marriage and upbringing when he grows up.
Love children is "as he wishes", not "as I wish";
Loving children is also a process of healing parents' "inner children".
If you want your child to have a good future, you must first give your child a "true face" childhood. This book is recommended for reading.
1
Consciousness: Meeting the inner baby
Intimacy is the most natural state in mother-infant relationship.
The baby smiles spontaneously, and the mother smiles at the baby from the heart; When the baby cries, the mother will immediately comfort the baby.
After the baby's "all-round narcissism" is fully satisfied, the baby's mind can develop naturally and gradually get rid of narcissism.
When love is full, it will naturally flow to the outside world.
Many mothers began to try fixed-point feeding, regular and even autonomous sleep when they were babies. This is actually a cold violence against children under the guise of "cultivating children's independence." This way will make children feel the fear of being abandoned and the sense of dependence on their loved ones.
So that in childhood, some small setbacks may make children break out and even punch and kick their parents, which is as unreasonable as a madman.
Only with enough sense of security can children be truly independent.
Some so-called "experts" say that frequent night milk will lead to insufficient sleep for babies and affect brain development. If some mothers think so, ask yourself, if you are hungry in the middle of the night or wake up from a nightmare, do you want your husband to ignore you at this time, or help you make a cup of hot milk and a warm hug?
How to face a crying baby who refuses to sleep? Don't run, don't interfere. Crying is a way for babies to express their inner feelings and should be fully allowed.
Parents can accept and accompany their baby by touching, hugging, staring and whispering "I am here", so that his energy can flow more smoothly.
Psychology has done experiments on a group of children. The rule is that if you don't eat a candy in front of you right away, you may get two candies in two hours.
The experimental results show that children who wait for 2 hours are more likely to succeed when they grow up. That is, people who have the ability to delay satisfaction are more likely to succeed in society.
Therefore, it is very wrong for parents to try to cultivate their baby's delayed satisfaction from an early age and let the baby cry for five minutes before going to coax or feed.
The real reason for children's delay in satisfaction is that parents often respond and satisfy their children in time, so that children can firmly believe that their needs will be met.
And those children whose childhood needs can often be delayed are often in the fear of "not getting". When there is a little benefit in front of them, they can't wait to spend it. When parents don't satisfy themselves in time, they may be afraid, angry or even hysterical, and ask their parents to fulfill their promises immediately.
Children often live in the present and naturally enjoy the fun of the present, even if it is a rotten leaf. It is not children's nature to determine the degree of treasure by the difficulty of acquisition, but what we adults imagine in our alienated minds.
Of course, the real meaning of timely satisfaction is that when children express their needs, parents will respond and affirm in time. If they can do it, they will do it. If they can't do it or it is really difficult, there is no need to force them to explain the reasons to their children.
In fact, children are not greedy. They are actually very easy to negotiate and considerate of others.
2
Attitude: let go of judgment and see completely.
The best education parents can give their children is to respect their self-education process and not to disturb them. For example, when a child is absorbed in enjoying a painting, adults should never try to point fingers and tell the child their own understanding, so that the child can feel and have his own understanding.
Parents should not frame their children with their own inertial thinking, so that children can observe the world through their own eyes and experience their own infinite possibilities.
Early education is also a way to break the rhythm of children's self-growth. It seems that they have learned some knowledge very early, but in the process of letting children learn some knowledge, repeated intensive stimulation of a specific brain area prematurely will lead to "nerve crowding", which may cause atrophy of other brain areas, and ultimately make children pay the price on the whole road of life.
There is an old saying in China that "you speak late", which makes sense.
Human beings can speak, which shows that they have developed their thinking ability. The thinking process in infancy is chaotic. As long as the attachment relationship between mother and baby is well established, the baby can communicate with his mother without language, so there is no hurry to develop his language ability. In this way, the baby can slowly cultivate imagination, creativity and the ability to link with everything in the process of attacking thinking with peace of mind.
If a baby develops language skills prematurely and the connection is smooth, it is likely that there is a problem with the connection between the mother and the baby.
Of course, not every child who speaks early is caused by the relationship between mother and baby. The key is that parents should respect their children's natural development and don't be too utilitarian.
Most parents can't let their children eat sugar and watch TV for fear of damaging their health or affecting their eyesight. But behind these behaviors, children are actually connected with their own bodies. What parents need to do is to allow them, not to stop them with violence.
If you are really afraid of your child's sugar addiction, remember that love is ten thousand times more important than education. Because behind every stubborn bad habit, there is a cry of pain because of lack of love.
Many parents make a series of rules for their children when they are young, but these rules are actually infringing on their freedom, such as when to get up and when to go to bed.
If you want to make rules, you must also make them on the basis of maintaining everyone's feelings to the greatest extent. For example, because parents are very tired from work and want to go to bed early at night, then discuss with their children. If parents need help taking a bath, ask them before going to bed at night.
Make rules and don't forget to have the flow of love.
Treat children with enough love, and good habits will naturally appear. Parents should respect and allow their children, especially unconditional love.
three
Relationship: The communication pattern of childhood determines the future relationship pattern.
The mother-child communication mode in infancy determines the future parent-child relationship mode. What parents need to do is to confirm their children's feelings, not to judge themselves or interrupt their children.
When children are sad and crying, many parents will yell at or threaten their children to stop crying because of their anxiety.
This kind of compulsory interruption or disapproval will block children's energy, and long-term energy blockage will form psychological and even physical diseases.
Parents should believe that their children are full of wisdom, they will heal themselves by fully experiencing their emotions, and let their children release energy in their own way to avoid psychological trauma.
Different emotional experiences can expand the breadth and depth of children's lives. The best thing for parents is to allow, don't disturb. Stay with the child quietly if he needs it. Never try to solve the child's emotions.
At the same time, parents should know that if they can't meet their children's requirements, they may lose if they dare to refuse. But rejection itself won't hurt children, but rejection with judgment will hurt children.
For example, if a child wants a toy, parents will say, "This toy is too expensive. Mom doesn't have enough money to buy this toy now. Can we exchange it for a cheaper toy? " Relatively speaking, it is a refusal without judgment;
If parents say, "How many toys do you have? Besides, your parents work hard to provide you with food and clothing every day. Why are you so ignorant? " This is a judgmental refusal, which will hurt the child.
Parents with a low sense of self-worth are often used to adding a bunch of reasons when they refuse because they can't meet their children's requirements, so as to prove that their refusal is reasonable and the children's requirements are unreasonable.
This process of proving that "I am right and you are wrong" will make children feel that the summary is wrong and dare not ask for it easily, even if it is reasonable.
Parents should believe that their children are reasonable and very easy to negotiate. When they refuse their children, let them feel that they still love them even if they are rejected.
The key for parents to accompany their children is not the amount of time, but the quality. Only when you don't want to change each other at all can you really walk into each other's heart and really accompany each other. Accept each other, whether they are partners, friends or children.
four
Intrinsic: It's not love that hurts.
In the relationship with children, whether parents can keep boundaries directly determines whether the child's future material and spiritual world is rich.
Every parent's so-called "being good to children" is actually controlling children, which will reduce their free creativity and consume their vitality.
Children naturally love their parents, hope for family harmony, and think that they can save the broken relationship.
Therefore, if parents have a harmonious relationship and are good to their children, children will think it is because they are good; And if the relationship between parents is not good and it is not good for children, children will take it for granted that it is their own fault.
The bad mother-child relationship may come from the parents' failure to get unconditional love in childhood, and it will continue to their next generation.
In order to break this continuation, parents must first realize that the good or bad of their original parents and families are not caused by themselves, and they don't have to pay for it.
Many parents force their children to eat when they refuse to eat correctly, and even threaten and intimidate them. Adults' self-righteous "correct" concepts and practices are actually ignoring or even completely denying children's true feelings, controlling children and blackmailing their feelings.
Parents should know that eating is their children's own business, and they have the ability to detect whether their children are hungry, just like a newborn baby crying for food when it is hungry. They should raise their children with love and freedom.
For children, parents should also clearly know what is their own business and what is the child's business, and don't try to control anyone with love.
In family relations, the relationship between husband and wife is greater than that between parents and children, so we must put the relationship between husband and wife in the first place, otherwise there will be a series of distorted emotional relationships.
five
Appearance: You deserve better.
Poor for a while, poor for three generations. If parents don't realize it and pass on this sense of loss and guilt to their children, then the future money relationship of children will be heavy and difficult.
The sense of deprivation in childhood will affect a child's life. This sense of deprivation does not necessarily come from external material, but from internal deprivation.
For example, many parents are unwilling to spend money on their children happily, or when they spend money on their children, they will repeatedly emphasize "money is hard to come by" and "cherish things, don't waste them", which will convey a sense of loss and guilt to their children and affect their lives.
If parents often send their children the message that "material comparison is shameful" and "material comparison is not enough, but material comparison is more than enough", then children are likely to have an average income in the future, make no progress in making money, and at the same time, material desires are difficult to fill, and they don't know what they need and don't need, and blindly hoard.
Parents can not meet their children's requirements, but they must not judge their children's requirements arbitrarily. They should let their children know that they deserve a good appearance and enrich their hearts.
If you love children, you must see them and don't judge or control them, because they are.
Write it at the end of the article
Love is "as he wishes", not "as I wish".
In reality, many parents have made the mistake of "not seeing the children themselves". They only see the functional value of the children.
For example, when children need to play games to make themselves happy, parents worry that their children will neglect their studies for this reason. Do parents care about their children or their studies?
Whether parents can see the child's own existence, instead of rashly defining the material "it" with external value, determines whether the child can feel love directly in his heart.
Only by letting go of expectations and goals and respecting the independent life of children can children really have their own lives.
Parents, only by being honest with each other and not escaping from the feelings on the ground, can truly cure the "inner child."
end
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