When we went to kindergarten, Honghong did have some changes. We will say a few words with a smile. But Mama Honghong is still worried, because the change of Honghong is too insignificant for her: "She never participates in group activities in kindergarten, and rarely takes the initiative to play with other children. What can she do? " I lost a lot of others at the starting line, so I won't be eliminated by society when I grow up? "
I asked her: Will Red be more comfortable at home and in a familiar environment?
She nodded: It's good to be at home. I can let go in front of us and familiar people, but I become timid and withdrawn in groups. In order to make Honghong more extroverted, we participated in the best kindergarten class, took him to travel twice a year, consciously encouraged him to meet different people, and even made measures to participate in group activities to reward toys. Why have we worked so hard for so long and it didn't work? Really worried me to death. "
The trouble of red mother is actually the trouble of many parents with introverted children. In the background and in the circle of friends, there has always been such a consultation: "What if the child is too introverted?" From their descriptions and anxious tone, we can see that introversion is considered as a bad character and will have a negative impact on children.
I can understand my parents' feelings. Intuitively, after all, an outgoing, lively, sociable, eloquent and polite child is more easily accepted by others, can get more opportunities, and can better integrate into the collective, adapt to society and live a smoother and happier life in the future.
However, if introversion is misunderstood as a kind of "personality defect" and "psychological obstacle", then it will be a disaster for children to criticize and force reform with anxiety.
Introversion and fear of life are different. In the article "Children are not afraid of life, and it is a disease to be corrected in a hurry" (click the title to view the original text), I have analyzed that almost every child, including those who are outgoing, lively, sociable, eloquent and polite, will be afraid of life when they are young. Children's fear of life is not only a problem, but also the first important milestone in their emotional development. In the timid period, as long as parents handle it well, children can spend it safely and smoothly.
Introversion is basically a person's personality and spiritual temperament, which is caused by physiological reasons. Professor Carl Schwartz, a professor of neurology at Harvard University, believes that children who are shy and introverted at the age of 2 are introverted even when they grow up to 18.
In other words, introverted personality will not change with the efforts of the outside world and the growth of age.
Wu Zhihong, a psychological consultant, described in the article "Introverted Sense of Loss and Extroverted Sense of Expression" that he decided to change his introverted personality when he was in college. It took him five years to really become a very outgoing and humorous person. As a result, he had many friends and the opposite sex suddenly became very strong. Then, Wu Zhihong said: "The outgoing and humorous' I' only existed for four or five months. Later, I felt so tired and didn't feel like myself, so I changed back. "
An adult, after five years of conscious and active efforts, became an extrovert, but only lasted for five months and then changed back. As you can imagine, if a child passively struggles with his own nature in the face of his parents' anxiety for more than ten years, but still has little effect, what a difficult and painful process it is, and how much doubt, dissatisfaction and boredom it will have on himself?
"How can I be such a person? Why am I not as good as others? "
"Why can't I be outgoing and make my parents happy?"
"My character is doomed to accomplish nothing."
……
In fact, who said that introverts are not easy to succeed?
Wu Zhihong's introverted personality does not affect him to become a famous psychological counselor. Perhaps it is this personality that gives him the sensitivity and delicacy necessary for his career.
Similarly, introverted personality does not affect Audrey Hepburn, Stephen Chow and Tony Leung Chiu Wai to become world-renowned performing stars. Perhaps it is this personality that gives them their unique charm and polishes their profound works.
Introversion does not affect Bill Gates and Warren Buffett to become rich entrepreneurs. Perhaps it is this character that keeps them calm, sober and wise, and stands firm in the ups and downs of business.
Introverted personality does not affect Lincoln and Gandhi to become immortal leaders. Perhaps it is this character that gives them the strength of gentleness, steadiness and integrity, and wins the love and trust of the people.
……
It is hard to imagine how bright, grandiose, noisy and monotonous the world would be without these introverted people on earth. This is a disaster for the world.
Since introverted personality can't be completely changed by external forces, there is no need to change it forcibly. What should anxious parents with introverted babies do?
The first is to understand and accept the child's personality and treat it with a calm mind. When children are not ready to say hello to strangers, quickly integrate into the new environment and mingle with new friends, don't say "my child is too shy" or "it is impolite not to say hello" out of face. Try saying, "My child needs some time to get used to it." "Take your time at your pace, son."
With this mentality, we can let go of unnecessary anxiety and obsession with transformation, see that children are truly valuable and appreciate their uniqueness.
When a child builds blocks, plays puzzles, reads books and paints by himself/herself, you can give him/her full freedom and let him/her enjoy himself/herself in the world of thought, knowing that this is not unsociable.
When the child looks at the frolicking child in the distance and refuses to go forward, you know that the child needs a process. You can accompany him (her) to observe and adapt until he (she) relaxes and then encourages him (her) to join the game team.
When a child is unwilling to participate in a group performance and prefers to be an audience, you know that this is in line with the child's nature, so you can respect the child's choice and stop forcing him or her to perform with a smile.
When we are guiding children's social skills, if children have made a little progress in social skills, we should give pertinent praise: "I know it's not easy for you, and I'm glad you did it."
If children retreat, get tired and escape in the social process, we should also allow them to retreat to their own space for energy repair and tell them, "It doesn't matter, it takes time, and we can try again later."
Susan Kane, the author of Quiet: The Competitiveness of Introverts, is also a typical introvert. She was so afraid of public speaking that she found herself "praying for a disaster-a flood, a small earthquake or something, so that I wouldn't have to do it."
However, her books and the surging TED talk have successfully attracted the attention of introverts in this social and extroverted society.
She said: "No one will say that social skills are not important, nor does it mean that we should all stop cooperating. Apple, founded by introverted and quiet Steve Wozniak and radiant Steve Jobs, is the best example. I just want everyone to know that the more introverts are allowed to be themselves, the better they will do! "
"Stopping often requires the obsession and madness of teamwork. Collision and exchange of ideas are great, but we need more privacy and more autonomy. The same is true of schools, which teach children how to accomplish tasks independently, which is equally important for extroverted children. To some extent, this is an exercise for their deep thinking. "
Yes, only by allowing introverted and extroverted personalities to coexist and promote each other can social history and culture be rich and colorful; Giving introverted children the right to freedom and making themselves better can avoid killing many outstanding geniuses in the tragedy of correcting their own character.
Our greatest success is not to cultivate our children into our ideal appearance, but to accompany them and support them to become our ideal appearance.
Life is like a fish and love is like water. Only when children are free and happy like a duck to water can they tap the potential advantages of personality and release the most powerful life energy.