But I know very well in my heart that things are far from this. A happy marriage is never achieved by luck. If a good marriage is not managed with care, the initial good luck will eventually turn into a bad result.
There are always some key factors at work in a happy marriage. If we know these factors when choosing a love object, it will help us to examine the suitable object in the process of love. If we understand these factors after marriage, we can also manage our marriage relationship in a good direction and learn to adjust ourselves.
The more similar, the happier.
In love, are two people similar or complementary?
Social psychologists have conducted extensive investigations and studies on this issue, and finally they have come to the following conclusion: the more similarities, the easier it is for a partner's relationship to be stable and lasting-people often find something similar to themselves in each other at the early stage of love, because it can make him feel closer to each other.
At first, we were always attracted by the similarities between each other and ourselves. If the other person has nothing in common with us, we may still stick to one thing in common. For example, if a man in Hong Kong falls in love with a woman in Shandong, he will probably say to his friend, "We are really predestined friends. She comes from Shandong, and Hong Kong is also known as the Pearl of the Orient. Both of our birthplaces have oriental characteristics. " Although this statement is far-fetched, he will be deeply fascinated by his explanation because he loves that woman very much.
Couples with similar growth backgrounds, living habits, values and thinking patterns will have fewer conflicts and be more likely to get a happy marriage. Psychologists have found that one of the remarkable features of a happy marriage is that both parties show more and more similarities and less differences in their lives. In the cases I have dealt with, many couples frequently have conflicts because "we are too different to understand each other".
However, there are no two identical people in the world, just like there are no two identical leaves. What can you do if you want to get along well and build a happy marriage?
Effectively handle differences
Ge Xiang and her husband have different ideas in many ways. For example, in educating children, the husband belongs to the careless type, and thinks that it is best to let children grow naturally, while Ge Xiang thinks that educating children should be started at an early age, hoping to enroll them in an early education class. The two men were at loggerheads over this issue, and they had a fierce quarrel.
"From the moment I got married, I felt that we were different everywhere. I go shopping to buy clothes. He said I wasted money, and I loved jiaozi. He said it was the worst thing in the world. I want to change jobs for better development opportunities, and he said that I am restless. " Ge Xiang said with a wry smile. "I don't think I can communicate with him because it doesn't make sense at all. How can we be so different? I really don't understand. "
I smiled and said, "Of course you are different, because you were born by your mother and he was born by his mother!" " "
In the fourth chapter of this book, we will spend a long time discussing the differences in marriage, because the secret of a happy marriage is not to buy gifts, not to keep * * *, nor to say "I love you" every day, but to effectively deal with each other's differences, especially the conflicts caused by differences.
When it comes to the differences between partners, apart from the differences in money habits and eating habits mentioned by Ge Xiang, the range of differences can also be extended to thinking patterns, values, psychological needs, ways of expressing love and communication patterns. These differences come from our cultural background, life experience, the patterns we unconsciously inherited from our parents or main caregivers, and some of them are fundamentally determined by our natural temperament types. To solve these differences, it is not enough to rely solely on love.
The differences between partners, if handled well, will become a condiment to enrich two people's lives, which can broaden their horizons and enrich their lives. If it is not handled well, the difference will become the direct or indirect culprit of emotional breakdown.
Willing to change yourself
Marriage sometimes makes people feel troublesome. I have a female classmate, who always complains that she lost her freedom after getting married, and she can no longer attend the night party of her girlfriends, throw things around or want to travel at any time as before.
Leave your bag because you always have to take care of your husband. Her husband is a super otaku and doesn't like to go anywhere, especially the excitement.
In the "Love Journey Workshop", I often ask students to close their eyes and feel the development of marriage. After the activity, one of the female students shared: "I found that marriage is like dancing. At first, I danced according to my own ideas, and soon I found that the other party actually had their own ideas. Then we will adjust our pace bit by bit, which can be very tacit and coordinated until the end. "
Marriage is like dancing. Only when two people are willing to adjust the rhythm will this dance become more beautiful and smooth. Since the two people are so different, in order to dance this dance well, of course, both of them should constantly adjust themselves to each other and adapt to the new life.
Of course, this process will not be very comfortable at first.
Because changing yourself means facing the unknown, and that unknown is terrible.
Because you are eager to get a happy marriage, although it is not easy to change the habit that has lasted for many years and it will make you uncomfortable, it is worthwhile for the foreseeable happy marriage and your next generation to benefit from it.
So, from now on, let go of the idea that "I am who I am, and I will never change for anyone", let go of the worry that "I have changed, is that still me" and start to examine the relationship between myself and my partner. I promise, after walking through the thorns ahead, you will get a sweet and sweet love life. At the same time, getting warmth and satisfaction from the partnership will also nourish your life and make your life more complete and broad.
Enough time * * *
Yang Ye wrote that her husband has been working in the field for two years and will go home once a month. She always takes care of her and her children when she comes back, so it never occurred to her that her husband actually has another home in that city, and she didn't wake up until she stumbled upon conclusive evidence.
Feelings take time to develop.
The reason why people have extramarital affairs is to develop close friendship with the opposite sex outside marriage, which is the so-called fourth emotion. On the one hand, some of their own needs can not be met in marriage, on the other hand, because two people in marriage don't have enough time to cultivate close ties.
If a person can be satisfied in marriage, then he has no energy to pay attention to another person except his partner. Because it takes a lot of time and energy to run a close relationship, if you really have enough investment in this relationship, you naturally have no time to develop another new relationship.
If two people don't spend much time alone together, where are the opportunities to manage and develop intimate relationships?
One of the similarities of a happy marriage is: as much as possible * * * activities together, less activities alone, more "us" and less "me". For example, my husband likes watching football and my wife likes listening to concerts, so it's best to watch football together this week and go to concerts together next week. Instead of husband and buddy watching football, wife and girlfriends listening to concerts.
If you find this suggestion difficult to implement, turn back to the previous section to see the content of "willing to change yourself"
References:
1 Lv Yingshan, Chen Yuling and Chen Siqiao started to create happiness-wedding dress industry
2 Li, Lv Weiting, Chen Qiongfen 1998 Analysis of the centennial wedding photos in Taiwan Province Province, and study of historical materials in Taiwan Province Province.
3 Lin 1997 Wedding Photography. * * *. Shoot. Wedding photography. shadow