However, if you know my history, you may laugh your head off. Because I used to be a very intense and emotional person, completely a slave to emotions, and my daily life was like waiting for an emotional time bomb to detonate.
I have no face to expose the past and stop here: quarreling in the street attracts onlookers, slapping each other with my boyfriend, going into a rage when I hear a criticism, dropping out of school in despair, hitting my head against the wall in despair, wandering around the roof in depression all day, and so on. I have been like this for many years in my life.
But every detour in life has its value. It is precisely because of falling into the bottom many times that life can't go on, and it will be as hard as a drowning person trying to catch a driftwood to find the reason. In those helpless years, I read a lot of books, and finally understand that the key to rationality lies between the pages: I don't have to indulge in the torrent of emotions forever, and rationality can give me strength, make me the master of emotions, and I can be saved.
Fortunately, I had many years of practical experience in emotional management before giving birth, so I was able to survive in this battlefield that destroyed my patience the most.
"Bringing a baby" may be the most tragic test of every parent's mind to God, right? The state of "people are going to collapse" and "not allowed to go" is really an unprecedented torture during our growth, but there is no exit mechanism! When I was driven crazy, I finally really wanted to yell at Xiong Haizi, and then I cried myself and deeply blamed myself.
Even now, I have encountered many moments that are about to collapse. For example, shortly after my second child was born at Christmas, my whole family was ill. For example, I was tossed into an angry youth who didn't sleep much for a week by sleeping residue; For example, when I was exhausted, my two children were crying at the same time and rolled all over the floor, which made me want to explode in situ.
Sometimes I think that if I faced such a moment in the past, my family must have been killed by anger many times! Now I have many weapons for emotional management. At least most of the time, I can stay calm, face it calmly, and not lose the chain.
I am also convinced that whether it is early education, parent-child time or family life, the quality assurance of all this is to have a good mood first. All decisions and efforts should be based on being able to maintain emotional stability. If what you do makes you feel stressed and anxious, there must be something wrong. You must press the pause button, adjust your mood first and then return to the battlefield. With years of experience, I know that going on stage in a bad mood is definitely a waste of resources. Whether it's work or taking care of the baby, it's better to work overtime.
This is true for myself, and it is also true for my husband and children. Understand everyone's emotional state. Once someone's mood is beyond the normal range, it is necessary to pause, sort out the mess together and adjust the mood. Keeping everyone in a good mood is more important than doing a lot of things at home.
Emotional management is a big topic, and it is impossible to explain it clearly at once. I'll just talk about what I think are the most important aspects.
1. A few seconds of thinking can make you a "result-oriented" rational person
What is rationality?
In the perceptual period, when I have emotional impulse, it will be directly transformed into action, often with tragic consequences.
Reason is the few seconds between emotional impulse and action, and it is those few seconds of thinking that change the direction of behavior.
The biggest difference between me now and before is that I have become a "result-oriented rational person". I can feel the same emotional impulse as before, but in those few seconds, I will quickly think about what kind of behavior will produce what kind of results, and rationally choose the one with the best effect.
For example, I really want to yell at my children, but I know I will be in a particularly bad mood after yelling, so I won't take this kind of behavior.
For example, when I am dissatisfied, I really want to criticize my husband, but I know that the sarcastic tone will detonate the two, but I will adopt a gentle and constructive tone.
Perhaps the most difficult thing is not rational thinking, but how to stop the emotional train that has been running at high speed, but the good news is that you only need to be a skilled train driver, and these skills can be acquired through practice.
2. The ability to understand one's emotions is the first step of "emotional management"
People have the ability of introspection, which is the most important ability for their growth. Being able to perceive your own thoughts is called "metacognitive ability"; Being able to perceive one's emotions is called "meta-emotional ability". When you are about to get angry, furious and collapse, you must first have the ability to realize that you are in such an emotion, so that it is possible to press the pause button and not follow the emotion. This is the first step of emotional intelligence.
When I first started learning emotional management, I found it difficult to control and change my emotions, but at least I can start with consciousness. During the period when the lowest valley of my life is difficult to continue, I will record my emotions every day, and even draw a ups and downs curve for one day, one week and one month. In this way, I will observe myself like a researcher, have a jumping perspective, think about what events make the curve lower, and try to avoid such events, or think about such events from different angles, instead of letting myself languish in the downturn.
I'm not saying that every parent needs to record his emotional moments, but I want to emphasize that consciousness is very important. The thinking steps are as follows:
(1) I know you are angry.
(2) Know what makes you angry.
(3) Be aware of the law of anger.
(4) Avoid such incidents in advance or "inject" your emotions in advance, and be mentally prepared.
(5) Think about and implement any methods that may improve such incidents.
For example, I realized that if I slept for more than an hour, my anger would soar. Then don't yell at the children, try to make all kinds of preparations and protect your mood. One is sleep training, so that the baby can sleep regularly, and all the blankets and pillow books she needs before going to bed are ready; Second, to be comfortable, prepare yourself a cup of hot chocolate and a cushion; Third, if you don't sleep after an hour, it's your father's turn.
In short, because I know when I will be angry, I don't give this scene a chance.
3. Ways to control and change anger
First, "anger" is not what people believe. Once released, people will feel better. In fact, "anger" will make people stay in anger for a longer time. Because it activates the activity in the emotional area of the brain, the angrier you are, the angrier you will be.
Anyway, I have a particularly vivid experience: every time I get angry and yell, my heart beats faster, and more endless anger is vented by yelling. When I really calm down, I will be defeated by a deep sense of guilt and loss of control, and I will feel worse about myself.
Because I am particularly familiar with this cycle, I don't want to be buried by the feeling of "out of control and guilt". Every time I want to get angry, I will actively mobilize my "rational brain" to prevent myself from releasing my anger through anger and yelling.
But anger cannot be suppressed. How can we get rid of this emotion?
Take a deep breath
If I can't think rationally for a few seconds after I get angry, I will ask myself to take a deep breath, at least 10 times, and then open my mouth to talk. Deep breathing can reduce the heartbeat, reduce the state of high stimulation to the state of low stimulation, and calm down and say things will be more conducive to interpersonal relationships.
(2) Suspension
When deep breathing can't solve my anger, I will choose to pause. If I am angry with the child, I will hide in the toilet for 5 minutes to calm down when the child is safe. If there are other adults present, I will give the children to others and hide myself or go out for a walk. If I am physically and mentally exhausted and angry for a while, I will also ask for leave with my husband, stay in the hotel for one or two nights, put aside all concerns and come back after rectification. But when you pause, don't let yourself think about those irritating details.
(3) Keep a diary
I will write down things that make me angry. After writing often, it seems that it is not so bad, and suddenly I can think from another angle, and sometimes I even read it funny. More importantly, in the process of writing, you can also start to look at the problem from the other side's point of view, thus generating empathy.
For example, I wrote in my diary: "I coaxed Sula for three hours tonight, but she still didn't sleep." I am so hungry that my patience is broken into slag and I am mad! " However, her nose is really blocked and she can't breathe smoothly. It's pathetic. "
(4) meditation
Meditation is the most powerful tool for cultivating the mind that I have learned for many years. The meaning of meditation itself is to be able to perceive your own thoughts and emotions, so you can actively guide your own thoughts and emotions.
Shallow meditation can help a person learn emotional management, grow himself, and enhance concentration and self-control. Deep meditation can lead the practitioner's vision and philosophical thinking about the world, making people more modest and broad-minded. This topic is not discussed here today. I just want to say that 10 minutes of meditation every day can bring great power to life.
4. How to rebound from depression and anxiety
When we are depressed, we spend a lot of time worrying and anxious, and a lot of valuable brain energy is consumed in negative criticism of ourselves and the environment: how can it be so bad, how can it be so unsuccessful, what should we do if this situation cannot be changed, what should we do if our children are delayed, and so on.
The problem is that these negative thoughts not only consume a lot of brain energy, but also do not help to change the status quo and change yourself.
I am a person who is familiar with the taste of depression. I have been immersed in negative thinking for many years, and I am depressed and anxious throughout my adolescence. Later, I learned to control negative thinking, and the whole life and the world began to show different faces. That kind of change can be said to be upside down, like prison break.
I learned four steps to deal with depression:
(1) Use any means to stop out-of-control negative thinking.
Don't indulge in those negative thoughts when you are sad. As a "result-oriented" rational person, you will understand that it is really useless to think about those negative and bad situations! Negative thinking is ineffective, just a kind of self-indulgence. The more negative you think, the worse the situation will be.
It's ok to cry once in a while, but don't let yourself cry too much. When you cry, it will lead to more negative thinking. If you can't think rationally and positively, the best way is to divert your attention, treat yourself to a bath, a meal and a movie, and don't let the train of negative thinking run amok. You must be the driver of your own thinking.
The best way to divert attention is to exercise, and you will feel better after each exercise. For patients with depression, every improvement of "self-feeling" is of infinite value.
(2) Keep a diary
Write down your stress, anxiety and worry, and try to think positively. For example, what can we learn from a failed event?
For example, we may blame our family for hurting ourselves and creating an imperfect self, but we should not indulge in the unchangeable past, but should see its valuable value: past experiences make us more sensitive and compassionate, and the same harm will not bring our children, so we can become better parents.
(3) One small step at a time
Take things as they are, break down a seemingly huge problem of oppression into countless small steps, concentrate on completing one small step at a time, and affirm yourself and reward yourself once you make progress. Confidence is accumulated in these small steps. Whether it is self-growth, conflict resolution or early education with children, this method is suitable for all problems.
(4) Help others
When we are depressed and anxious, doing something for others and the community will change our horizons and perspectives, better understand the difficulties and moods of others, and help us get rid of the bondage of negative emotions.
Helping others will also make us feel better about ourselves. In the battle against depression, improving "self-feeling" is the most important step and a case that can be improved.
There was a time when I was particularly depressed and couldn't find my way, so I went to participate in community public welfare planting, sweated with everyone on weekends, and planted flowers and trees in the park. After a while, I was comforted to see them grow sturdily and felt a little bit of my own value.
As long as you are willing to open your eyes, you can see that there are many opportunities to do public welfare and help others around you.
5. The art of criticism
If you ask me, which skill has the greatest impact on my quality of life? The answer you may not think of is "the art of criticism".
What is the most important quality of family life? Not material conditions, not parent-child companionship, but husband-wife relationship. For lovers, when two people are ready, everything is easy. The difficult thing is that when two people have conflicts, they can actively solve them together. "The art of criticism" is simply an important umbrella for the relationship between husband and wife. Only by minimizing the friction between husband and wife and smoothly unblocking family pressures and contradictions can we better protect our emotions. So I also put "how to criticize" in the important content of emotional management.
In terms of "criticism", I had a difficult run-in with old R before marriage. I am a Virgo, and I want to do my best everywhere, so I used to be particularly hard to hear criticism. A little dissatisfied tone will make me fly into a rage.
Although old r is calm and gentle, he is actually particularly self-respecting. If you speak to him loudly, he will immediately erect a shield.
Slowly, we carefully explored the art of criticism: when there is any contradiction between two people, we should try our best to minimize the influence of emotions and solve it in a rational way.
First of all, no personal attacks. The worst way to criticize is: you can't even do this well. It's no use. You are too bad. You don't care about me at all. Irony is the most hurtful tone. Anyone who is hurt will feel untrustworthy and will defend himself first, but he lacks the motivation to become better.
As a "result-oriented" rational person, he will categorically judge that communication with only negative effects will not be adopted!
When two people communicate, we must first control the emotional train and don't let negative emotions run amok in their conversation! When you are angry, stop, calm down, and then communicate.
When communicating, let the other party feel trust, believe that the other party can do better, and give specific suggestions:
(1) discuss the matter in detail, and don't blame it.
For example, both of us have been working and taking care of children recently. We are so tired that both of us are in a bad mood. Instead: I don't have my own time, I'm in a bad mood, you don't help with the children very much, and you don't care about me at all. )
(2) Give constructive suggestions and options.
For example, can we relax with each other one night every week? On Thursday night, you take care of the two children, I go out for leisure, and on Friday night, we exchange? In this way, we will all have some space to relax. Still have other ideas?
(3) Appoint a time and have an interview.
Text messages and emails can't hear the tone, which is easy to misunderstand, and mobile phones can't see each other's body language. It's best to make an appointment for a quiet time when both of us are not disturbed and have a good talk.
(4) Being able to stand in the other person's perspective and have empathy.
Empathy is the most important thing in communication. When you want to criticize each other, don't simply blame each other. The way of communication should be:
Discuss each other's position, understand each other and affirm what each other has done;
Explain your position, your difficulties and needs;
Communicate solutions, give options, and see which option is acceptable to both people.
The means to maintain the relationship between husband and wife is really not sweet talk and buying gifts! Knowing how to criticize and communicate can make both sides feel at ease, understood and trusted. The harmony between husband and wife can directly affect the stress and anxiety of family life and their anger, so it is also the premise to ensure the quality of parent-child and early education.