When she was 2 years old, she went to a friend's child's birthday party for the first time. She stood at the door and stole a look at the busy people inside from time to time, but refused to enter.
Such a child, we will all say, is an introverted and shy baby. I have written two articles on this topic before. With the increasing length of service with Xiao D and more and more teachers, I have some new insights into her personality and found some new methods, which I hope you can learn from.
Not introverted, just slow heating.
Why should we really distinguish these two concepts? Because it will affect our view on this matter. Although there is no difference between good and bad personality, I believe that many people subconsciously regard it as a "negative" label when talking about "introversion", and always feel that introverted children are easy to suffer. But also let our parents feel that this is the child's character, not a stereotype.
And "slow heat" is different. Slow fever tells us something about her temperament. But there are ways to help children "warm up" in advance. This is also why Xiao D contacted so many teachers (cognitive teachers, early childhood teachers, kindergarten teachers) that he didn't use "introversion" (introversion), but used "slow to warm up" in unison.
This change of thinking has also affected my perspective on many slow-heating behaviors of Xiao D. When I first saw these behaviors, my first reaction was "Oh, she is introverted and shy" (in fact, she was labeling); But now I will tell myself, "Well, she warms up slowly, let's see how I can warm her up." .
If you are also an introvert, you should feel embarrassed and even anxious when facing others. Children also have such emotions, not less. What we have to do is not to change the child's personality (besides, personality can't be changed), but to teach the child some methods to let her channel these nervous and anxious emotions. After learning these methods, children can warm themselves up like adults, which is the most important thing.
The central idea of warm-up success
Although the phrase "unconditional acceptance" has been overused, it is really the most important foundation for children with chronic fever to warm up as soon as possible. Watching other people's children jump and jump as soon as they arrive at the new environment, some even seem to be social babies with their own aura, but their children are still hiding behind our bodies, and parents who know the truth better are expected to express envy.
Everyone has these superficial "vanity", so many times, we are not helping children, but under the banner of helping, in fact, for our own "face." Therefore, it is often seen that in the park, mothers keep dragging their children to other children's piles, "Go and play, why not"; It is often seen that grandma keeps stuffing bells into children's hands in early education classes. "Shake it, you see that he is singing, and so are you." Not to mention a lot of negative labels such as "worthless", "too timid" and "can't achieve great things".
Think calmly, we all know that these are not help, but harm. It's just that we are often afraid and unwilling to face it. Therefore, the simplest but most tested thing for us is to always remember "unconditional acceptance". I love my child, I love all of her, and I love her as she is. This firm love will not change because of other people's evaluation and reference changes.
Two-pronged approach: advance notice
Children with slow fever are slow to accept new things and are not easy to adapt to the new environment. Because children with slow fever need to have a holistic view, they should understand new things and environments before acting. In fact, from this perspective, slow-heating children are good "thinkers" and are not impulsive.
Based on the characteristics of these children, giving them advance notice, telling them what will happen next, what changes will happen, and who they will meet will give them a sense of control, reduce their anxiety and make them easier to integrate.
For activities that only happen once, such as going to other children's birthday parties, I will show D the children's photos in advance. "This is Tina. She is our neighbor and D's friend. Remember, last week you played on the swing in the park together, and you all had a good time. " (Remind Little D who she is; At the same time, it reminds them of the happy time together.
For example, when I go to a friend's house, I will show the photos of my former colleagues and me to D. "This is Jose, and this is my mother's friend. Just like Dorothy and Lucy, they are good friends and can play together. " Help her to establish contact, the child does not understand the concept of colleagues, so I will help her understand it by analogy.
For new activities that often happen, such as little D going to kindergarten, I made a book and photographed all the scenes that will happen in kindergarten, and asked the teacher to take pictures. In this way, I will take it out with her every day to review what she did in kindergarten and help her get familiar with these new environments.
I take two photos as an example, hoping to give you a more intuitive feeling.
"When Xiao D arrived in kindergarten, the first thing he did was to go to the playground with his friends. Little d likes playing this slide best. Little d and her classmates lined up to climb up, and Judy would say, go, go, go! Then little d will sit down by herself, and Judy will say, one, o, three! Shh ~ ~ ~ Little D is going to slide down! Your classmate Jesse will tell you below, high five! "
"The playground to play well, we will go back to the classroom. Little D's classroom is on the second floor, and everyone will line up to take the stairs. Teacher Ruth can sing, which is the way we climb the stairs ~ then everyone climbs, climbs and climbs upstairs. "
In the first week of kindergarten, little D stood motionless on the stairs for half an hour, because I had never seen such a long staircase since I was a child, so I took photos for her. Now she can keep up with the rhythm of the big army. Don't take many things for granted, and think from the perspective of children.
Create opportunities for children to feel comfortable with others.
For children with chronic fever, it is necessary to experience the feeling of "being comfortable with others, there is nothing wrong with it". Therefore, it is a good choice to consciously invite friends and children to their own homes to play together.
New environment and strangers, for children with chronic fever, these two factors are new, and their acceptance will be more difficult. Therefore, helping them to reduce the "difficulty" and get in touch with people they are not so familiar with for the first time from a comfortable environment will help them warm up. But in this whole process, we need to grasp some key points. A big principle is to try to ensure that the whole experience is positive and the children are comfortable.
1, before
As above, tell the child in advance, tell her who will come in the afternoon, who she is and why.
2. At
Parents should first set an example and let their children feel that this is a happy and relaxed thing. Respect the child's own wishes. If the child is still unwilling to integrate (integration here also includes greeting, not forcing), it can't be forced. Last but not least, we should never get depressed easily and give up after one or two failures. I am a typical "frustrated and brave" type.
If the child starts to relax a little, I will seize the opportunity to let her experience success. For example, Xiao D is very good at playing house games in the kitchen, which is also one of her favorite games. I will guide the children to play with this, and then little D will have the opportunity to take other children to do something to enhance her self-confidence.
3. Then
Review what happened to your child. This is a technique that I have used in many articles. Reviewing in time can deepen children's memory, and at the same time, it can be imperceptibly integrated into our "education" and strengthen children's positive experience. Give two examples for your reference.
"Evan and Ashley came to our house to play today. What did you play together? Oh, after dinner, little D cooked noodles for them. They like it very much and always say it's delicious. You told them later that the noodles were very hot. What should you do? That's right, little d takes them to blow. Everyone is so happy. "
-try to be as detailed as possible, especially some behaviors that little D took the initiative to do. For example, here I emphasize that she teaches other children to blow noodles together just to strengthen her positive experience.
"Jennifer came to our house to play today. Little d doesn't know her and doesn't want to play with her. Little d is watching her build a building block, thinking, who is this person? Slowly, Little D discovers that Jennifer is actually very friendly, and her parents are also her parents' good friends. We didn't play together this time. You can find another chance to play next time. "
Try to help D express his inner feelings, but don't add our personal feelings, such as "D doesn't like to play with her", just tell the truth. Finally, you can give an open suggestion, that is, tell your child not to be under pressure and come back next time.
I am an introverted person, but every time I give a speech in public, I perform so well that many people don't believe that I am introverted for a long time. In fact, before each speech, I will be familiar with the venue and know who the audience is. The night before, I would close my eyes and imagine my speech. Sometimes when I am nervous on stage, I will recall the last successful experience. The more vivid the better.
No one taught me when I was a child, and I was once labeled as "worthless", which took me a long time and cost to explore as an adult. So now I especially want to tell Xiao D that there is no difference between good and bad personality and there is no need to change it. But because of the negative emotions caused by personality, we need to manage and channel them.
Finally, I quote an article I wrote before and send it to all adults and children with slow fever:
This is my first time as a mother, but I used to be a child, that shy little girl.
I had hoped that when I blushed, my mother's gentle hug told me that it didn't matter;
I was so eager for someone to tell me that extroverts are not the only ones who are popular;
I used to hope that when outsiders commented on me, my mother could tell me that she loved me no matter what I did.
May every shy child be treated gently;
May every adult respect the innate personality and differences;