Author: Zhang Zhiwen, Li Peifen adults talk, children love to ignore; Don't look into people's eyes when you speak; What is the message behind the "rude" behavior of children or students? How to guide children to be polite? First, people don't take the initiative to say hello. First, I met my neighbor in the elevator. Five-year-old Xiaoming quickly turned his head and hid behind his mother. Situation 2: At the school gate, the instructor greets the students with a smile, but the students don't answer. Possible reasons: adults can't observe children's age, characteristics and occasions, and find out whether the situations and objects of children's "not taking the initiative to say hello" are occasionally ignored because they pay attention to other places, or a common habit regardless of occasions, or the behavior of "specific people or occasions". What can you do: The younger a child is, the first reaction when he meets an unfamiliar person is often to be alert and retreat, which is a natural reaction to protect himself. Adults can start with the introduction of "this is mother Li who lives next door" and naturally bring their children into the social circle of adults, instead of always using "why don't you call someone?" It is impolite to blame children. When we expect children to say hello on their own initiative, we can also make it clear whether both sides have the same expectations for "greeting methods". Huang Jingsheng, president of Jinhua Junior High School in Taipei, said that "good teachers and early classmates" do not have to say hello loudly. When you meet a naturally shy child, the way may be a little stiff, even if it is just a smile, a nod and a wave in eye contact, it can be regarded as the process of the child practicing coping. Adults first show their warm and warm side, step by step, and accept different greetings. There is also a tricky situation: as children get older, they may not want to take the initiative to say hello because they don't like a relative. Huang Lunfen, deputy CEO of Friendship Foundation, once encountered a case. Because children always feel that their mothers are bullied by their grandmothers, they often stare at their mothers without saying hello. Huang Lunfen pointed out that "letting children bear the feelings of adults too much is not good for their development". Sometimes children want to take it out on the weak or be nice to them. At this time, if adults can speak for themselves, children don't have to choose to stand on the sidelines. For example, they can explain to their children that "grandma's things are handled by her mother." If you are not a good mother-in-law, you are not necessarily a good grandmother. When adults have a way to sort out two things, children will also have room for forgiveness and relaxation. Second, don't look directly at each other when talking: Doudou always looks at the floor without looking at each other every time he talks to someone. It looks rude. What should I do? Possible reasons: For most children, adults who are much taller than them are a formidable creature, especially people he doesn't know. If the child is naturally shy, the requirement of "staring at each other when talking" will be more difficult. What can you do: If the child is naturally sensitive and shy, try to let him know: "You don't even look at menstruation, she doesn't know you are talking to her!" When children make correct behaviors, they should strengthen: "It's good to look at your aunt when you just spoke! Aunt is also glad that you told her about outdoor teaching. Being reminded ten times is likely to succeed only once, but you still have to see your child's progress and give him encouragement. Don't expect a shy child to "transform" into an outgoing and lively person. Helping him learn some skills can help him reduce interpersonal anxiety. Teach your child etiquette advice. At home, encourage your child to look you in the eye when he speaks. The more specific the better, instead of saying, "You should concentrate when I talk to you. For example, "Look me in the eye when we talk. If looking at the eyes makes him uncomfortable, let him look at your nose. The author of Happy Making Friends emphasizes that many children are shy because they are labeled as shy. Don't let your child be born shy. Tell him, "You just need to spend some time warming up. It doesn't matter. A lot of people will do this. Yang Lirong, a child-rearing expert, warned that shy children are sometimes very considerate. Adults should see the goodness and beauty in his character and don't label him "rude". When children feel that they are understood and treated well, they can respect and treat others well. Therefore, adults should think about whether you squatted down to look into his eyes when the child was very young. When you talk to a person, can you look him in the eye? If you are not used to looking into each other's eyes, consider it an opportunity to grow and learn with your children. It is impolite to answer the phone, or disturb others on the phone. 1. If you want to answer the phone every time, but you run away as soon as you answer it, leave the other end of the phone: "Hello, hello, is anyone there?" If you don't let her answer the phone, she will cry again. Situation 2: Dad is discussing business with colleagues on the phone, and the two brothers and sisters who have been concentrating on playing for more than ten minutes suddenly appear constantly. My brother quickly asked why he took a bath late today. My sister wanted to drink juice but spilled it all over the floor, and my brother stepped on it excitedly? Possible reasons: Telephone is a fascinating novelty for children. They like to answer the phone because they are curious and diligent. But it is not easy for children to speak to an invisible voice and respond appropriately. What you can do: Learn telephone etiquette and coping with needs. Usually through games, teach children the basic telephone language: "Who are you looking for?" "Yes, I asked him to get it." "He's not here." "Thank you, goodbye. When the other end of the phone is not a familiar voice, ask, "Who's calling, please?" Confirm: "Who are you looking for? If he wants to leave the microphone and talk to his mother, remember to say, "Please wait a moment, I'll call my mother." In the book "Teaching Children to Learn Manners", it is mentioned that it is best for children under the age of seven to have an adult present when answering the phone, because they are not ready to ask the other party to leave a message and may not be able to convey the information correctly. When the child is old enough, put a pen and paper next to the phone and ask him to write down the name and phone number of the caller. Sometimes children are unfamiliar with the elders on the other end of the phone and don't know what to say. Remember to help him after answering the phone: "He is busy drawing now. Let the elders not be too sad. Usually, I often praise him in front of my elders to increase the connection between them: "If it is great, I can already eat by myself. Children will also think that grandma is related to him, so they are willing to say a few more words with this adult. On the other hand, children should also be taught the etiquette that must be observed when someone at home answers the phone. Let the child know who to call before calling. How long will it last? What do you need them to cooperate with? If the child is really young, prepare some snacks, activities or movies for the child before calling. However, if you have talked to your child for five minutes, but you have talked for half an hour, he will have to cry and fool around to get your attention. 4. Poor dining etiquette 1: Taking children to the wedding banquet, children always like to play the turntable in the middle, which affects the diners at the same table. Scene 2: At a table for ten, Bao Xiao ate three drumsticks by himself, and the fruit always took the biggest piece. Possible reasons: Young children are easily attracted to rare things. For them, the turntable may be as interesting as a new toy. As for desperately taking your favorite food, it may be that when eating at home, family members are used to giving priority to meeting children's needs, so that when eating in public, they are also used to being self-centered. What can I do: It's really not easy to take children to formal dining occasions, especially when they are particularly active. At this time, parents should be more creative and let their children "willingly" sit down for a good meal. Zhuang Jianyi, director of the Ivy League Montessori Kindergarten, shared that the big turntable is really interesting and attractive for children. Parents can find ways to satisfy their children's curious nature without disturbing others, so that a wedding banquet lasting for two or three hours will not be boring torture for their children. For example, when a child is eager to try the turntable before serving, he can help the child practice the power of rotation with the permission of his deskmate and teach him that "the turntable can't rotate when someone is still holding food." When the child has the ability to use the turntable, and the speed is slow, the timing and intensity are appropriate, you can also tell him that "I will ask you to help him turn it later when he wants to get food" and give him a task to enhance his contribution and participation in the dining process. As for the second case, it is related to whether the child has the ability of "empathy". Zhuang Jianyi takes the experience of kindergarten as an example. They will let the children start with "taking only one spoon at a time" when eating. The advantage of this is that children usually don't know their food intake at first, so they can practice estimation from this process, so that they won't lose their appetite because of too much food, and they will also cultivate the virtue of not wasting and caring for others. For primary school students, participating in group activities and contacting peers can help them learn to care about the feelings of others. You can also encourage him to apply school arithmetic to his daily life. Counting the number of people at the same table, how much each person can eat, will be more specific than directly reprimanding him for "thinking of others when eating." Love to interrupt and talk in class 1: Every time I talk to my friends, Xiaojie always interrupts instead of asking us, "What are you talking about? Just insist on saying something that is not important at all: "Mommy, there is only one piece of toast left in our house. Situation 2: Xiaoming always chats with his neighbors in every class. Every time he was reminded by his name, he was very unhappy: "It's not just me! Possible reasons: the child may interrupt, because he is curious about your conversation, because he can't wait to share something, or forget it if he can't say it. If children are used to chatting in class, it is usually because they are not interested in the course content or can't keep up at all. What do parents do: interrupting seems like a trivial matter, but it is likely to affect children's interpersonal relationships. Adults need to help him take turns talking and understand the rules of communication. Huang Lunfen suggested that when the child interrupts, tell him, "I know you really want to talk about it. When we finish, it's your turn. "Then end your topic as soon as possible. If he waits until you finish, remember to encourage him: "Thank you for waiting. Waiting is a kind of ability that needs to be cultivated; Starting from one minute, slowly extend the waiting time. If more than one child gossips, make a rule: one person at a time, three minutes at a time, so that children can get the right to speak for a period of time without interruption. When other children talk, they also learn to listen and wait. Sometimes, children interrupt us to pass on some information. For example, when an adult meets a friend unexpectedly on the road, he talks and ignores the children. He is likely to interrupt others to express his dissatisfaction. How did the teacher do it: Huang Lunfen analyzed that many children in the lower grades are eager to share, but they have not learned to wait. When they think of something interesting, they want to say it at once. At this time, the teacher should remind the child: "I know you think it is very interesting and want to tell the teacher." Please share this part after the teacher finishes speaking. Or let him write down what he wants to say in advance and tell the teacher or classmates after class. Let the children know that they must raise their hands if they want to speak in class. The principle is that teachers should calm their minds, know that children are not malicious, do not deliberately make trouble, and do not blame children. After two or three reminders, students will understand the rules of speaking in class. Of course, some students have become "recidivists" in class because they are not interested in the learning content. Huang Lunfen reminded that you should try not to scold a student in class, especially when that student has been excluded from his peers because of unruly rules. The teacher can ask him about his after-school study, discuss with the child what to do, and let him know: "I know you want to talk, but talking will affect the classroom order, make the teacher embarrassed, and may also make your classmates misunderstand you." "If it is a child who is not focused enough or easily distracted, the teacher may have to use some strategies. For example, move the child's seat forward to make it easier for him to notice the content of the class; Let him be a little helper, and let him hand out papers and clean the blackboard in about fifteen minutes. Of course, it is a useful way to establish tacit understanding in the whole class, such as "Hitachi air conditioning, quiet" and "one, two, three, pull your mouth", although it is old-fashioned. Sixth, children say indecent words, call names, and even curse the three-character classics: children will have words such as "pervert", "fart" and "motorcycle" recently; Mrs. Zhang, a neighbor, said that her family was even worse. Listening to her junior high school son talking on the phone is like a copy of the lines in the movie monga. Possible reason: first, check if anyone in the family has similar habits. For younger children, sometimes it is just fun and fresh; Teenagers may say three-character classics because they agree with their own ethnic group's way of speaking, or they may simply think that they can express their feelings in this way. What can you do: For younger children, fresh and interesting words or behaviors will attract the attention of peers or adults and easily infect each other. You can first explore whether the child understands the meaning, and then wait for an opportunity to decide to pass it on by ignoring, transferring or explaining. Zhou is a volunteer in the greenhouse and a Montessori teacher. He once met children in kindergarten. For a while, he loved to say "shit", but it was useless to ban it. Later, every time the child said this, he took him to the toilet to let him know the true meaning of the words. There was a time when a group of children liked to spit. Their parents complained that it was even at home, so she arranged time for the children to gargle around the tree and spray water beside the roots to express their fun and curiosity. Helping children to clarify the meaning of indecent words is one of the guiding ways. For example, if you ask him, "Being different from you is a pervert? "Let him think about the feeling of this word further. Humorous reminders are also a coping style. Chen, an adviser on human rights education in the Central Committee of the Ministry of Education, once met a student and said to him, "Teacher, you are a motorcycle!" " "So is it sunshine or mountain leaves? He reminded students of the boundaries of language with humorous puns. Not cursing in person doesn't mean that we think it's right, just let the children know in another way. Yang Lirong, a parent expert, also suggested that when children gradually enter the self-discipline stage of middle and senior grades, adults can not only discuss the related concepts of swearing from the cognitive side, but also let children feel the same from the emotional side, and experience the experience and feelings of hearing swearing. They can also identify with their children in behavior. For example, teach them: (1) Don't swear in formal public places, guide children to think about which occasions are not suitable for using laughing and cursing language among peers, and help children establish free boundaries; (2) Don't say that emphasizing respect is the basic attitude to get along with others when others know that they don't accept it. Maybe some people don't care, but if someone makes it clear that they feel uncomfortable when they hear swearing, they must learn self-restraint; (3) At the same time, we should also remind children not to swear when they have negative emotions, discuss with them how to express instead of swearing when they are angry, and help them draw the line between swearing and swearing. Seven, stand three seven steps: the teenager is corrected for doing something wrong, but when called, stand three seven steps in front of the adult. Possible reasons: when children know that they are about to be scolded, this standing posture often implies that children have internal defense; But it may also be the inertia of the child's own bad posture, completely unconscious. What you can do: In the face of various problems of teenagers, adults sometimes have to deal with them one by one, and it is difficult to force them to solve them at once. Huang Lunfen, for example, if a child talks about the three-character classic because he is angry, and the focus you want to know today is "Why are you angry?" When you hear the three-character sutra, you can ask, "Are you in a bad mood again today? Focus on what he is angry about, rather than focusing on the expression the first time. The same is true of the three seven steps. Many times, adults will blur the focus because of their bad attitude. If what we are discussing now is this wrong thing, then don't be angered by attitude and blur the focus. From the perspective of body language, the three-step posture represents a defensive attitude. Children feel that they will be scolded and unconsciously arm themselves. If an adult can understand that he is only defending and protecting himself, it doesn't mean that he is being rude on purpose, so there is room for further discussion. Li Chongjian, chairman of Taiwan Province Youth Education Association, who has been tutoring dropouts and special children for many years, will remind him: "Stand still. Standing like this, I will feel that you don't respect me. Thank you for telling me that you didn't mean to. However, standing like this is usually misunderstood and disrespected, and it is not worth it! Another possibility is that you unconsciously stand out because of your habitual posture. Li Yun, an international etiquette lecturer at Kaohsiung Hotel College, observed that hip-hop culture popular among teenagers does have more basic movements, such as hunchback and shrugging, compared with international standard dance which emphasizes chest-lifting and stretching. Once it becomes a physical habit, posture itself may cause misunderstanding, but it may be helpful to remind children to pay attention. Adults can help children perceive their standing and walking style and image through mirrors and videos. Eight, not only don't answer questions, but also talk back. Situation: Before Xiaohua went out, I asked, "Do you have your coat?" Didn't hear the answer; I raised my voice and said, "Take your coat!" "Don't bother you! He gave a roar, then slammed the door and left me alone, surprised and sad. Possible reasons: When children are in adolescence, challenging and resisting authority (adults) may be the normal way to maintain themselves at this stage of development. He still needs the care of adults, but he also needs to maintain his independence. What should parents do? Yang Lirong analyzed that teenagers love to talk back, often because their parents can't adjust their care. Just like a seedling in an incubator grows up, parents continue to take care of it in the incubator, and it must grow crooked. What parents should do is to remove the protective cover and let it thrive in the natural environment. Parents can still get rid of the notoriety of "nagging" as long as they adjust their care methods. Yang Lirong suggested to parents that they often meditate in faith. "It's really gratifying for children to be independent. When the child thinks you are making a fuss, he admits, "Sorry, I am used to it. After all, I've been taking care of you like this for more than ten years, and it's hard to change suddenly. "This means you need time to get used to it. There are also some principles when disciplining children: (1) Take action instead of nagging. For example, it's time to play computer, and he hasn't turned off his phone yet. Tell him it's time, and ask him to turn it off at the same time. Don't shout and nag from a distance. (2) Make good use of objective information. A child will not only hear his parents' voices, but also learn to judge. (3) Use natural and reasonable behavior consequences. For example, if you don't wash your hair and take a bath, you will stink and your classmates will reject you. This is a natural result. If that consequence makes sense to the child, he will naturally change. When you have tried your best to be a non-nagging parent and your child is still talking back, find a time when both sides are in a good mood to talk. After all, the moral development of teenagers has moved from heteronomy to self-discipline. He must know and agree before he is willing to show polite behavior. When talking with parents, you should also pay attention to the following "four noes". (1) Don't mention trifles any more. Parents should take care of big things and let their children do unimportant things as much as possible. (2) Don't turn over old scores. No one likes exposure, which is most likely to trigger a rebound among teenagers. (3) Don't deny children. The more he denies the child, the more he wants to talk back and stick to it. (4) Don't arouse children's guilt. For example, "your wings are hard and you don't need parents!" "What does the teacher do? When he has something to communicate with the students, he talks back. First, he reminds himself not to focus on his expression, but to listen to what he is unhappy about. Sometimes, if you think about what he said back calmly, you may find that what he said is very reasonable. Then deal with his way of speaking: "thank you for telling the teacher that this way of handling is unreasonable, and I will adjust the method again." "However, the way you speak makes me very uncomfortable." Zhong reminded me that she is a junior high school teacher in Chongqing and is being punished by the Ministry of Education. Sometimes it's really the students who choke their teachers. If you don't know how to respond, don't say anything Sometimes he would say to the students, "We'll talk tomorrow. Not responding to the space left behind gives the other person a chance to think. By tomorrow, when both sides calm down, things will be easy to talk about. In this process, don't use demeaning and abusive ways to restrain your attitude that you think is impolite. If a child is not treated politely by adults, it is naturally difficult for him to be a polite person. Nine, I don't know the etiquette of using mobile phones. One: At the family gathering, Liang Yu, an eighth-grade student, sat in the corner and kept her head buried in her mobile phone. Grandpa always answers questions briefly. Mom winked at him to put away his mobile phone, but he pretended not to see it and continued to stare at it and play games. Situation 2: More and more students take mobile phone recordings in class. Last week, a video of a teacher scolding a student was widely circulated on the Internet. Even though the students may not have accepted me, I still feel very uncomfortable. Possible reasons: Teenagers find family gatherings boring, so they use their mobile phones to kill time. Regarding the prevalence of paparazzi in the class, Li Chongjian believes that the improper behaviors such as taking pictures and recording by using mobile phones are not "personal problems" but "social and cultural costs": the prevalence of paparazzi in society will be concrete and subtle in schools. What do parents do: It is usually not feasible to ask teenagers to put away their mobile phones at parties on the grounds of "politeness". When teenagers arrive, children will reorganize and develop their own politeness system. If he agrees, he will really do it. There should be more discussion and dialogue during this period, which is similar to his mood. Adult conversation is really boring for him, but he also has to consider the feelings of his elders. Adults should discuss with their children a way to make them comfortable and not let others feel uncomfortable. For example, reading books without playing mobile phones, or pretending to recite English. When parents buy mobile phones for their children, they may wish to make three chapters about the rules of using mobile phones. However, Yang Lirong reminded that for young people's mobile phones, the general directions such as time, duration and quota can be standardized, and other situations will be discussed and revised. When there are too many details in the rules, it seems to be guarding against thieves, and it is easy to forget. What do teachers do: When teachers feel threatened by taking pictures or recording, what schools can do is to make rules, such as "Turn off your cell phone in class". Be mentally prepared, the rules will not be 100% effective, but most students really need to know how to do it and the punishment after breaking the rules. The sneak shot culture stems from a kind of disrespect. What teachers can try to do is to manage a subject culture of mutual respect in school and be an adult who respects children. X. Opening Yellow Chamber: Experimental class. Teacher: "Please insert the straw." A male classmate: "It's so comfortable. The whole class laughed, but the female teacher on the stage blushed. Possible reasons: For junior high school students, "sex" is one of his most concerned and curious things, which makes him always associate everything with sex. What can I do: If there is something hidden in the students' jokes, you can pretend that you don't understand them unless it has affected the class. When these words really make you uncomfortable, let the students stop: "These words make the teacher feel very uncomfortable. If you can get things done easily, things may become easier. Zhong, a junior high school teacher in Chongqing, said it was the most impolite thing for his students to "speak yellow". Even with such cognition, students can't help but want to say that the embarrassed reaction of female teachers will make students feel more interesting. Huang Lunfen reminded the teacher that this is a normal reaction of teenagers. When they say yellow, don't take it to heart, so they won't feel embarrassed. If the students have finished speaking, the class can continue the class after laughing. Don't pay too much attention to it as an episode to adjust the learning atmosphere. However, if the whole class keeps joking about it, it is necessary to remind: "Everyone seems to be very interested in sex. At your age, it is normal to be interested in sex appeal. But now it's chemistry class, please consult the teacher for life education class. Never scold students for this, they just ask inappropriate questions in the wrong class. Remind students of the "boundary" and never talk dirty to teachers or classmates. If the teacher introduces himself once and asks if there are any other questions, the students directly ask the teacher, "How old was the first time?" In this case, the teacher must not be angry. They can explain sexual harassment from the legal aspect, let them know that asking such questions in the workplace will be in danger of breaking the law, and also help students understand the courtesy of asking questions in public.