This article shocked my soul.
Two days ago, my niece was bullied by her classmates in the early education class. My sister just apologized to each other because she was not aggressive and taught her to go to her parents as soon as she was attacked. At that time, I thought my sister's handling was a very rational decision, but now it seems unnecessary.
The following content comes from the original text of "Mom and Dad Camp"
This is a real event.
It's really a dilemma
My daughter was accidentally killed by her niece.
And how should relatives communicate?
What would you do if it were you?
Dan Dan, who is under 6 years old, recently encountered a very unfortunate thing.
Dandan's father and his two brothers live close to grandma's house, so every day the two families go to grandma's house for dinner together. My uncle has a cousin who is one year younger than Dandan. He is naughty.
One day after the Spring Festival, Dandan and his cousin are playing in a room of grandma's house. Dandan is thirsty and wants to go to the kitchen to drink water, but his cousin doesn't play enough. Seeing that Dandan had left, she was very unhappy and slammed the door hard. At this time, Dandan's hand was still on the door frame!
With a scream, Dandan's mother saw the child's forefinger caught by the door!
Dandan's right index finger was broken by the door clamp. After being sent to the city hospital, the doctor said that we should do "subcutaneous implantation", that is, through surgery, bury the broken part in the stomach, and then do the second operation 20 days later. Take out the broken finger and sew it up.
Parents should be able to roughly imagine how much their children have suffered. Unfortunately, the operation was unsuccessful, and the front end of Danny's index finger is now necrotic.
The doctor said that it will grow out slowly in the future, but this index finger will be shorter than the index finger of the left hand, the nail part will be incomplete, it will be ugly, and the finger function will be affected.
Dandan's mother is very distressed. For several months, "I dreamed that my daughter's hand was hurt every night." I always wake up from my dreams and realize that this is true and can never be changed, which is even more sad than my dreams. "
No matter what you do during the day, you always think of your child's hand. "My daughter is so good, why should she be hurt like this?"
Shortly after Dandan was discharged from hospital after the second operation, Dandan's mother and husband and children went to her mother-in-law's house for dinner. My cousin saw Danny's fingers wrapped in gauze and heard that she had just been discharged from the hospital. She asked innocently, "Sister, how did you go to the hospital?" What's wrong with you "
Dandan's mother almost collapsed at the moment she heard this sentence. She thought that her brother-in-law, sister-in-law, parents-in-law and others would at least criticize and educate her little niece to make her realize that she had caused serious harm to others. At least, her niece should apologize to Danny, at least she should understand what happened to her sister's finger.
A five-year-old child has learned a lot, but she is still so "naive". My child has been badly hurt. I feel remorse and regret for not protecting her, and I can't sleep at night. And the perpetrator can be so ignorant! Dandan's mother endured it again and again and didn't say anything bad. (Parent camp micro signal: bamaying)
What is even more irritating is that one day not long ago, two children were playing together, and my cousin lost his temper and actually picked up a toy to hit Danny's injured finger. Dandan's mother trembled with anger and asked her little niece, "Why did you hit her injured finger?" Did you do it on purpose? "Unexpectedly, my little niece once again naively said," Yes, I hit her finger on purpose! " "
My niece's parents were there, and her father didn't say anything. My mother said to the child lightly, "Go and apologize to my sister." That tone, as if she just accidentally stepped on her sister's shoes. What is even more unexpected is that after the angry little niece refused to apologize, no one ever asked about it again.
Dandan cried in pain, and the crying stung his mother's eardrum like a steel needle, while the child's injured index finger stung his mother's heart like a sharp knife. She can't stand it any longer. She went over and warned her little niece, "You can't hit your sister's finger in the future! Otherwise, I will shut you out! "
Dandan's mother's intimidation made her provocative sister-in-law lose her temper. She rushed over and said, "Why are you so narrow-minded? The child didn't catch her on purpose. What about you? " As for losing your temper like this? How old is he! "So the two sisters-in-law had a big fight.
Since then, in order to avoid younger brothers and sisters and little niece, Dandan's mother has reduced the number of meals at her mother-in-law's house. But my parents-in-law feel that Dandan's mother is not generous enough. "What do four or five-year-old children understand? Not intentional! " "You are such a big man, still care about children. Besides, it's no use caring! "
These words are a secondary injury to Danny's mother. Every time I hear her in-laws' words, she feels that there is no discussion and she is going crazy with anger. Even the honest husband advised Dandan's mother, and the little niece was not sensible, so things passed. They all hope that Dandan's mother can act as if nothing has happened, but Dandan's mother feels that she can't.
"I hate them, hate my brother-in-law and sister-in-law who didn't apologize, hate my in-laws, and I even hate God for being unfair to my daughter! When I think of her fingers and everything she will face when she grows up, I feel that the sky is gray. " Dandan's mother feels particularly pessimistic and suspects that she has mild depression. "What do you think I should do?" She asked me.
Dandan's experience made me cry when I had two daughters! Dandan's mother's heartache and remorse are understandable and imaginable by everyone who is a mother.
When she first described "burying her fingers in her stomach", I didn't quite understand what was going on, but I was afraid to ask carefully. Any relevant memories are too cruel for Dandan's mother to open the wound again. I searched the internet for "subcutaneous implantation" and got a superficial understanding of this operation:
"After nail extraction, internal fixation, superficial epidermis removal, it was buried under the skin of ipsilateral palm, chest and abdomen, and the finger was taken out of the skin for replantation after 16-20 days ..."
A few short lines give me the willies. I dare not think about what kind of pain the child will suffer during the operation. And all this pain stems from an action of my little niece.
After reading the introduction of "subcutaneous implantation", I have a deeper understanding of Danny's mother's inner feelings. Dandan is only 6 years old now. She doesn't know how important a pair of beautiful hands are to a person (especially a woman), but Dandan's mother knows, and we all know. Danny will know when she grows up.
She may feel inferior because of this and dare not reach out and shake hands with others. She will bear a lot of strange eyes and be asked many times, "What happened to your hand?" Then open the scar countless times to solve people's doubts. As a mother, if I can, I'd rather have my fingers broken, as long as I can keep my child's fingers safe.
If the person who hurt Dandan is an adult, Dandan's mother can resent and retaliate to vent her anger. But in the face of the little niece who is not sensible, she can't retaliate, can't resent, and even be asked to tolerate and understand. No wonder Dandan's mother said that she almost got depression.
She said she couldn't like her little niece and asked me what to do. My answer is: Why do you like her? The Bible says: If someone hits you on the right cheek, turn around and hit you on the left cheek. I'm not a Christian, and I don't want to be a saint. I am just an ordinary woman.
I don't like people who hit me on the left face, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I'll call back if I can. If not, I will choose to leave.
It is my limit for a person to hurt my child. I don't hate him or retaliate against him. I can't forgive him. It's embarrassing for me to pretend that nothing happened.
My little niece is a relative and a child. She was injured unintentionally. I don't need to regard her as an enemy.
If my brother-in-law and her sister-in-law educate my niece to understand her mistakes, if they apologize to my child, I may take her as an acquaintance.
Otherwise they can only be regarded as passers-by in my eyes.
I don't want to persuade Danny's mother to be generous and tolerant. The pain and injury she and Dandan have experienced will never be felt by others.
I dare not persuade Dandan's mother to hold a grudge. After all, she is not broad-minded, which is nothing to be proud of. I just want to tell Danny's mother to follow her heart, forgive if she can, and forgive if she can't. Be kind to yourself, not only accept your own strengths and weaknesses, but also accept your emotions, accept that you are not tolerant enough, and allow yourself not to forgive some things and some people!
Postscript of Mom and Dad Camp:
In fact, after reading this real event, we feel that this mother is still too humiliated.
What's more, the family simply doesn't feel the seriousness of the matter.
This matter needs to communicate with my niece's parents and even brainwash my grandparents. Pay attention to communication rather than scolding, because my niece is really young, so the main content to communicate is:
1) I need to inform my niece that Danny's finger was broken because of her unintentional mistake. It's serious. Dandan suffered a lot. I hope my niece can say sorry to Danny.
2) Tell my niece not to touch Dandan's finger, "because it will hurt much more than an injection."
3) My niece should be more careful in her future actions, otherwise she may hurt other children.
In fact, if the communication is in place, it will also educate my little niece, teach her to be cautious, and make her have sympathy for Danny, at least not "deliberately hitting Danny's finger."
However, these communications are very difficult, which may not be completed at one time, and may require multiple communications and tireless efforts. If it is difficult for you to finish it yourself, you even need your husband's support. When necessary, I will also show Danny's case, X-rays, photos and other materials to my niece's parents and grandparents. In order to make them fully aware of the seriousness of the matter and attract their attention. Now, judging from their behavior, they don't know the seriousness at all and don't care.
After repeated communication, the family still can't pay attention to this matter. We still suggest that the mother communicate with her niece in person and educate her for her parents in words that the child can understand. This process is not only "doing good for heaven", but also easing one's emotions and making oneself feel responsible.
To complete these communications, it undoubtedly requires great patience and communication skills. This mother may not have, so she is so pessimistic and even depressed. At the same time, the mother suppressed her feelings and could not express them.
Why can't this mother express her anger?
Why can't she vent her anger?
Why can't she make grandma, grandpa, niece and parents realize the seriousness of the problem?
Because she is not as aggressive as live high!
What is aggression?
I'm not asking you to hit people or attack people with words.
Refers to the courage to speak freely, express your heart freely and express your emotions. Whether you are happy or sad, emotions can flow naturally, and will not be suppressed, and will not make you feel depressed and wronged.
Put it in a popular way: just don't be wronged!
In the words of Wu Zhihong, one of the most popular psychologists in China and the best-selling author of psychology, it is "the aggressiveness of live high!"
Aggressiveness is an aggressive English. In addition to the traditional meaning of "aggressiveness and aggressiveness", there is also a popular meaning abroad: "enterprising, self-motivated and courageous to express". This is very different from the education of forbearance and introversion in China traditional culture, and it is more inclined to the ideas in western values.