How can families support children's growth and development?
Driven by curiosity and desire to explore, children will constantly form their own experience and cognition of the environment, and constantly adjust their feelings and cognition in the interaction with the environment in order to obtain better cognition and better self-realization.
Family education provided by parents is to help children complete this self-realization process.
Family education should pay more attention to cultivating children's sensitivity to the environment rather than knowledge and skills.
Perception comes from children's rich life experience and a lot of attempts in their growth, so that they can understand the profound significance of growth and explore more life and the meaning of life.
For example, let children feel that they can learn new knowledge, experience their constant growth, experience tests and challenges, and make themselves grow and be happy; They love one thing, devote themselves wholeheartedly and get happiness; They don't need to be ready to start something, but learn while doing it. Knowledge and skills are by-products of their growth.
The core is to let them experience the happiness of growth, which is the essential meaning of human beings.
Of course, parents will feel that this family has invested a lot of resources in their children's education to help them grow up.
What I want to say is that most of your investment is to strengthen exam-oriented education, which is the promotion and expansion of exam-oriented education in concept, content and method.
Instead of helping children's growth from the perspective of personal development. Attend early education classes, right brain development classes, children's swimming classes, fine motor training, big motor training, causal perception training, etc. These concepts of fine parenting and exam-oriented education are essentially the same: human physiological and cognitive development can be decomposed into many small aspects. Through the deliberate teaching and practice of the subdivided contents, children's abilities in all aspects can be well developed, and then the children as a whole can be well developed.
Personally, I think this idea first comes from the brainwashing propaganda of early education institutions, not scientific research.
Of course, for a new generation of educated and knowledgeable parents, they may feel that they have learned a lot about parenting. Therefore, their acceptance of the concept of fine parenting is not only due to rough intuition or the influence of commercial marketing, but also due to corresponding scientific research.
In scientific theory, I think people are greatly influenced by Skinner's procedural teaching theory of behavioral psychology.
He believes that all human behaviors are essentially responses to environmental stimuli. Through the stimulation of reward or punishment, people can develop in the set direction.
According to this theory, Skinner founded the procedural teaching method. He decomposed the textbook into a program consisting of hundreds or even thousands of question frames, which were organically linked according to the principle of step by step.
People's learning is like hitting a monster, upgrading. Stimulated by escalating rewards, they gradually learn the set knowledge.
Besides, his theory is based on solid scientific research. But is this intuitive educational theory supported by scientific research really a good parenting theory?
I came into contact with a family. Boys are in the fifth grade. He is a typical problem of juvenile in people's eyes. He didn't finish his homework at school, contradicted his teacher and got along rudely with his classmates. Everyone thinks there is something wrong with his education.
There is something wrong with his family education, but it is not a problem of not being educated, but a problem of educational methods. His parents' education is mainly based on beating and cursing. His father once beat a child and broke the mop pole.
As a result, the child is afraid of being beaten and his father, but he never stops doing something for fear of being beaten.
After in-depth understanding, it is found that children should control their emotions and set limits on their behavior when interacting with their parents without learning to interact with others, and they have no self-esteem personality responsible for their actions. Anyway, if I make a mistake, my father or others will punish me.
If he misbehaves and is punished, he compensates his mistakes by being punished, which is his cognition. Instead of reflecting and introspection because of mistakes.
Obviously, punishment can't stop children's improper words and deeds. To make matters worse, he doesn't know what is right. If Skinner's principle is universally and stably applied, every child can become an ideal child under the constant stimulation of rewards and punishments, but have we done it? Obviously the effect is very poor.
Let's take a look at the reward methods commonly used by parents. Many families often have such an agreement: if their children can get a few points in the exam, parents will buy a pair of AJ for their children. As a result, the score was still the same, but AJ didn't.
In fact, a simple logic can reveal a universal reality. If the reward is really effective, then every child can get good grades in the exam, but the reality is that children's grades are very different. Therefore, AJ has little effect on improving performance. Because for a person's behavior, simple and rude rewards and punishments are usually ineffective.
There are many similar ideas. For example, children's behavior can be shaped by praise. Rewards and punishments are actually difficult to effectively guide a person's behavior, because people are not born for external rewards and punishments. Many studies have shown that material rewards will inhibit people's creativity. [ 1]
In fact, some theories, you only need to use practice to test and think, you can find contradictions. It's just that when we are consistent with intuition in the face of scientific research and authority, we sometimes ignore the more convincing truth.
In the process of raising children, my wife and I will try to reduce our dependence on rewards, punishments, bribes, deception, intimidation and coercion to interact with children.
So what shall we use? Really! -tell children the real situation and our real thoughts. In our long-term contacts, with the growth of children, children gradually formed a stable personality and way of thinking.
Parents need to let their children experience and feel the real meaning we need to experience in their growth and life: regular and healthy eating is for basic survival and healthy growth, brushing teeth is for the health of teeth, and exploration and learning are human nature. ...
In many families, it is a task to strengthen children's basic needs and natural instincts in life. External pressure makes children unwilling to do something. Parents also use gamification to induce their children to complete and show off their parenting skills. I won't discuss this topic in depth for the time being. Here I want to make two reminders:
Let's stay away from Skinner and Pavlov. The experimental conditions and scenes of these scientists' scientific experiments are difficult to transfer to personal growth and uncertain life. For real life, perhaps the principles revealed by these experiments only have philosophical significance.
Life is not a Skinner's box, and children are not mice, pigeons and puppies that psychologists do experiments with. We can't train our children like scientists train experimental animals, but we should train them.
Parents pass on their feelings and cognition about life to their children. As long as we believe in children, believe in people's growth and wait patiently, children will repay you with kind and steady personality.
As written in "Self-driven Growth": "The research in the past 40 years has repeatedly shown that the various forms of monitoring and incentives for parents to" activate "their children have actually destroyed the internal driving force.
What we have to do is to help children motivate themselves and let them know that there is always something important in them that can affect the world.
We should help them learn to manage their own lives and try to give them meaning. "[2]
Of course, no matter how good the personality is, children will still make mistakes and appear inappropriate words and deeds. This requires parents to accept and tolerate their children's occasional mistakes, and at the same time give their children room and time to grow up.
For children's growth, not only rewards and punishments are invalid, but also people's growth can't be completely subdivided into small abilities and then cultivated one by one.
People's cognitive ability can indeed be subdivided, subdivided and subdivided. Now there are a lot of scientific research achievements to study people's various subdivision abilities. However, the function of these studies is to show us the cognitive characteristics and growth characteristics of human beings, rather than let meticulous cultivators over-interpret that human beings should be educated and grown in stages.
Human growth is the coordinated development of the whole and the rich experience of the whole life.
When interacting with the environment, whether it is cognitive input or output, it is the result of the coordinated operation of our whole body, not a simple action of a fine action, a big action or a nerve connection. Therefore, when children have corresponding defects, we need to cultivate them carefully, but when children are normal, please let them grow up naturally and harmoniously.
"I can't stop" wrote: "Don't rely on goals, but rely on the system to live your life. The so-called system is' what you often do to improve the probability of long-term happiness'. For cartoonists, this can be drawing a cartoon every day; For a writer, it can be 500 words a day. Different from the target, the system brings a continuous and stable low-level' hi' stream. They refer to a full life day after day, not an attractive picture of grand goals, but there is no explanation of how to achieve them. " [3]
Man is a complete growth process, not a single extreme development, at least in the first few years of life. In the end, we will have our own expertise, but the expertise is realized on the basis of the overall perception we have established.
As the book "Deliberate Practice" [4] reveals, the master is indeed the result of deliberate practice, but the beginning of the master's road is the love of something in childhood. After building a rich sense of what they love, they have a completely devoted enthusiasm, which can drive them to practice deliberately for a long time.
The internal driving force of life, life, parents and family that supports children's self-realization is a healthy and sustainable driving force for a child's growth and development.
Literature:
[1] Leonard Mlodinow: Elasticity, P54-57, CITIC Publishing House, 20 19.
[2] William Stix Luther and Ned Johnson: Self-driven Growth, p. 97, 2020.
[3] Adam Oort: "Can't Stop" Page 8 1, Machinery Industry Press, 20 18.
[4] Anders Eriksson, Robert Poole: Deliberate Exercise, Machinery Industry Press, 202 1.
The picture comes from the network and is partly compiled and drawn.
Knowledge recommendation:
Leonard Mlodinow: Elasticity.
2. William Stix Luther, Ned Johnson: Self-driven growth.
3. Adam Oort: I can't stop.
4. Anders Eriksson and Robert Poole: Practice deliberately.
Being a parent can be a happy experience. Is your parenting style correct? Please think more! 》