1
Seek cooperation
What is seeking cooperation? Simply put, it is to make children "obedient", but note that these two statements are essentially different.
Making children obedient means that parents condescend to ask their children unilaterally. What kind of talents will seek cooperation? Obviously, people with equal status can achieve one thing through communication.
And behind the two statements, the image of the child is also the opposite. Children in the eyes of the former are irrational, always led by instinctive desires, unreasonable and enterprising, so they can only be controlled.
The latter thinks that children can be reasonable and have a desire to be better. They can communicate through some channels and reach a kind of knowledge.
Pay attention to what you think of children and what they will become. This is what the psychological "Rosenthal effect" tells us.
2
How to seek children's cooperation?
For example, when a child throws a banana peel on the ground, we usually say these words:
"You are so outrageous!"
"What a slacker!"
"Pick it up at once!"
"If you don't pick it up, I'll hit you!"
......
When we use accusations, insults, orders and threats, children are usually difficult to cooperate.
Six useful methods are given in the book:
1. Describe what you saw: "The banana peel fell to the ground."
2. Describe your feelings: "I am very unhappy to see the banana skin on the kitchen floor."
3. Give a hint: "The banana peel is slippery. If you accidentally step on it, you will fall and you should throw it in the trash can. "
4. Express in one word: "banana peel"
6. Write a note: "Fruits are delicious, eat everything that can be eaten and throw it in the trash can."
three
All these methods have a common feature, which is to protect children's autonomy and self-esteem to the greatest extent. Why is autonomy and self-esteem so important?
Autonomy is the core of personality and the source of internal energy. Self-esteem is the cornerstone of human development. In our China culture, there are concepts such as "the nature is good at the beginning of life" and "the heaven is healthy, and the gentleman strives for self-improvement", all because ancient sages believed that people have these two things in their bones, but some people will continue to develop from good to good if they are well protected, and some people will go astray if they destroy or distort them.
It can be said that a child misbehaves because he has given up on himself, or because he feels that he can't find a sense of strength to be himself, and his heart is full of helplessness, emptiness and resentment.
Therefore, we should try our best to protect these two points when seeking children's cooperation.
four
What are the specific uses of these six methods?
? Describe what you see.
I can give you two more examples to increase your understanding.
For example:
If you want your child to water his flowers, you can say, "The flowers you bought are losing their leaves."
This is just an objective statement of the facts, so try not to comment, so as to avoid offensive emotions such as accusations, complaints and belittles. Protect the child's self-esteem, but give him hints, thus stimulating his autonomy.
? Describe one's feelings
When we communicate with others, we always like to use a sentence pattern, which is "How are you?" It's like pointing a finger at someone else's head, with a strong sense of accusation, and your description is not necessarily objective, but often your own subjective speculation.
And if you describe your feelings instead, because whatever you feel is true. Telling each other this fact is a kind of communication, and it is not so obvious to accuse and safeguard each other's dignity.
For example, when children brush their teeth, tap water keeps dripping. You may say, "Why are you always so careless?"
Instead of describing your feelings, you can say, "I'm sorry to see these precious waters wasted".
? suggestion
For example, "even if you drip slowly, you will waste several gallons of water every day."
This method is similar to reasoning, but concise. This is also a space for autonomy to sprout.
It is necessary to be reasonable. After all, the child is still young and there are many things to explain to him. However, many parents think that their children are forgetful and can't do it once, so many parents will say it again and eventually become criticism and intimidation. I think this situation is often caused by not explaining it clearly to the child for the first time and the child does not fully understand it.
Reasoning with children should not be too abstract, and it is best for children to see and feel.
For example, when a child slides on a slide, he likes to keep his head down, which is very dangerous. So how do you tell him? If you just say, "You will hurt your head if you slide like this", some children may not imagine where the danger is, so you can show him a doll, let him see it intuitively and feel it. Even if he commits a crime next time, he will understand as long as you give him another hint.
? Express in one word
This is an upgraded version of "Give a hint", needless to say.
I think this is a good way to avoid nagging. Mother couldn't help nagging and said the same thing several times. Children may listen at first, but later they will get bored. If we can't see it, we will talk more, which will make the children more annoyed and form a vicious circle. We can't control ourselves, and we don't know what to do.
So from now on, whenever you want to nag, condense what you want to say into one word. Leave the rest to the children!
You can also discuss a little secret code with your child. For example, when a child does his homework, he always lowers his head involuntarily. You can agree that as long as you say "head", it means to let him raise his head.
Or when playing outside, just saying "shh" means to calm him down. Children will love this method.
? Give a choice
Although it is a requirement, it is not tough. It is firm and gentle, giving children the freedom to choose, making them more acceptable and protecting their autonomy.
? Write a note
Writing down what you want to say is a process of calming your heart and avoiding many emotional expressions. When reading, children are in a relatively quiet state, which is conducive to deeper communication. Moreover, although oral communication is direct, it will be gone when finished. What is written on paper will make people more impressed and deepen their memory and understanding over and over again.
five
In addition, I would like to add two points.
First, don't care too much about children.
In charge of children, we should distinguish between two things, one is the child's own business and the other is related to others. We should pay attention to the latter. For example, if children make a hullabaloo about in the car and affect others, we must take care of it.
What clothes a child wants to wear, when he wants to do his homework, what games he wants to play, what interest classes he wants to enroll in, and even which university he wants to take in the future and what major he wants to study ... are all his own things. We can give guidance and advice, but we should also learn to let go. This degree must be well grasped.
Teacher Yin Jianli once wrote a sentence in the book "A good mother is better than a good teacher":
We should learn to let go and protect the space for children to explore themselves. In this process, it is inevitable to take some detours. On the surface, we lost something, but it gave him a good opportunity to grow up and grow up independently, just as a child's illness is often a good opportunity to exercise healthy qi in the body.
Second, if children always can't cooperate, or even go against their parents, it's probably because the connection between you and your children has not been established. We should work hard in this respect.
Children's nature is to love me, love my dog, and they are willing to listen to him and kiss whoever they like. Many parents leave their children in the care of the elderly or nannies for a long time, and only see them once a week or even several months or once a year. Children don't know you well, so it's difficult to play together. How can they be obedient?
The most important period to establish close psychological contact with children is before the age of 3, because children are most dependent on others during this period. If you miss this stage, you should at least grasp it before 12 years old.
Education is by no means a unilateral act, its essence is the internal motivation to awaken children's self-achievement. Just as we adjust children's diseases, we are essentially awakening and helping children's righteousness, rather than relying on various therapies.
Therefore, whether it is education or disease adjustment, it is more like an art, which can not be achieved by hard work. It needs our wisdom, including a deeper understanding of life and human nature, letting go of too much self-attachment to see the true colors of things and finding a balance between "doing" and "not doing".
These six methods seem simple, but they are the key to educational art. We can start from here, realize in practice, and let wisdom gradually take root.
About the author:
I am a military elder brother, engaged in child-rearing for 8 years. This is parent-child early education.
Good at early childhood education guidance and consultation, children's growth guidance. Your early education questions will be answered!
(0-4 years old) Baby, please refer to the official account of WeChat (jgzj688) for the problems encountered in parenting.