I also spent time surfing the Internet in lonely days, longing for someone to come into my life. I thought it would be easier. I have many online friends. I communicate with strangers, talk about profound topics, and sometimes even get distracted. The other person is the shadow in your heart, and I know your mind. But in fact, it's useless. Every time you turn off the computer, you will find that those Soulmate have nothing to do with your life, because they don't exist.
After knowing God, I will also wonder if God is also lonely, occasionally lost, and has nowhere to talk. I know it's strange to think so. Some people say that the richness of God is indescribable. I don't know what this concept is. I know that God is willing to pay a huge price for every lonely soul, so that they are no longer lonely. A few years ago, God's grace roared through my life, occupied the commanding heights of life, shook the past brick by brick, and let me enter his richness. However, before I became rich, I had been groping for another life. Of course, all these things happened after going abroad.
Recently, I chatted with a girlfriend, and I talked about my life in New Zealand. I guess she probably wants to hear from me about the beautiful sky, fresh air and warm sea breeze in New Zealand in summer, but my feelings are not drawn by these things. I only remember that I was lost in the corner of life.
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I lived in Oakland for seven years. It was a quiet place. The wind will sweep the sea level and pick up the water vapor floating in the air. As the sun sets, the night gradually covers the whole city. I like to walk barefoot near home, feel the cold of my feet and breathe the air mixed with seawater and plants.
The four seasons here are contrary to those in most countries, and 65438+February is the hottest season. Christmas is coming, my friends and I are wearing shorts and slippers, walking in the hot sun and taking part in the celebration parade. There were only artificial snowflakes scattered in the middle of the parade, and people cheered "Merry Christmas" in the high temperature of MINUS 30 degrees. When it is sunny here, the sky is always blue, which is the kind of clear to pure blue. Looking at the port in the city from the sky tower, there are countless white sails docked on the shore, and the sea water in the distance is green. I don't think there is anything better to describe the name of Auckland than "the capital of Qian Fan". The seaside is beautiful. I went for a walk in Mishin Bay with my friends. In the evening sunset, the sea rippled and seagulls were scattered nearby. While eating crispy, we walked back to the stone platform next to the beach and sat there to kill time. We can spend a lot of time on the beach. After dinner, we looked at the golden sea in the distance, blowing warm sea breeze and walking up and down the beach for a long time.
People here like football. Players don't wear protective clothing, but only wear short-sleeved shirts and shorts to rampage on the court. Everyone is crazy about it. For a time, I lived in an apartment near the gymnasium. When there is a national team competition at the weekend, every family will display the flag of the All-Black team and hang a "Parking 5 yuan" sign at the door. When you leave the stadium, there is often a huge cheer. If you win, people will occupy all the bars and party all night.
But this is only a small part of my life. As for me, I will like everything here except school. Many times, I feel that I am not suitable for studying. I have been like this since I was a child, so I often miss the teacher's class or only appear on campus at lunch. I will go to school because I paid the tuition, but that's not the point. The point is that I can make many friends here. Friends who can drink and chat together, of course. Studying abroad is easy to get bored. Headed by Tommy, he is also one of my best friends so far. Tommy's family is very rich. When he was studying abroad, he bought an apartment, which became the base camp for me and all my friends. He likes to make his home lively, so many people will come to his home several days a week. Everyone will bring a few cases of beer and we will have a drunken party. Our drinking scenes are usually crazy, and everyone will follow Tommy to lift the bottle and drink every drop in one breath. I don't know why I drink so much. In short, everyone just likes to drink bottle by bottle, and the party won't end until all the beer and cigarettes in the refrigerator are finished, or someone rolls down the stairs and can't get up in the toilet.
From then on, I fell in love with the feeling of being drunk, and being immersed in dizziness helped me forget all kinds of troubles. A group of friends and alcohol will excite me. At the party, I sat in a chair and looked at everyone. Everyone drank shakily, and it felt unreal like a shaky movie. I just think it's good. Whether you are drunk or at a party, you don't have to think about reading or the future. I just want to hide in alcohol, not behind the desk in the classroom. At that time, I smoked all day, and my fingers with cigarettes in my right hand were burnt yellow.
When I met Billy, he had just returned to Auckland from Australia for two years and had also stayed in Europe for a long time. He is a friend of Tommy's. Billy is the kind of person who can't stand the bondage at all. The day I met him was in Tommy's living room, holding a suitcase full of cigarettes. He is wearing a baseball cap with long hair sticking out from the brim, and his beard has not been shaved for several days. When we shook hands and introduced each other, his Chinese was a little dull. Billy always smokes. He always feels nervous when he says he doesn't smoke, so he always has a cigarette in his mouth. At that time, he lived at Tommy's house, and we just smoked and drank together all day to pass the boring time.
One night, he took out marijuana, cut it very finely with a knife, mixed it with tobacco, put it on cigarette paper, rolled it with a cigarette machine and handed it to Tommy and me. Tommy and I have never smoked this kind of thing before, and we are a little excited. Billy promised that we wouldn't get addicted, so we put it in our mouths. I found the taste much more difficult than I expected. Tommy smoked slowly, and every bite seemed to be sucked into his body with all his strength. Not long after, I saw him staring at me blankly, giggling all the time, and his mouth seemed to be propped up by a hanger and could not be closed. After a while, I felt top-heavy, and suddenly a world like a 3D movie appeared in front of me. Everything in the room is different, everything seems to be flying. I saw the stool lift Tommy from the ground. He is like Aladdin sitting on a flying carpet. I started laughing when I saw this, and Tommy covered his stomach and started laughing at me. Billy sat at a distance and looked at the two of us, just like watching two crazy monkeys. Marijuana made us completely out of control.
After laughing for an hour, Billy told me that lying in bed would make me feel like I was traveling in the universe. I went back to bed, not feeling any danger, with a calm heart and no gravity, lying in the arms of the universe and gradually falling asleep. I really slept comfortably that night. I can't remember a day when my sleep quality was higher than that night.
That was three days after I returned to earth from the universe. For the next two days after smoking marijuana, my brain stopped working completely, trying to remember all the details of the night before. When someone talked to me, I could never concentrate. I hung my head to shake it, but I felt that my head was not on me. It was not until the third day that I fully recovered.
Billy can accept high purity marijuana. I have been to his house and saw him smoking marijuana with a huge glass bottle filled with water as a container. He said that the marijuana extracted in this way would be pure. After a few bites, I completely collapsed on the sofa and couldn't get up. Billy sat on the other side of the sofa, squinting at me, and then ran to the internet to play the speed killing game. The deafening music from the computer speakers made the whole room tremble. On the way home, I completely collapsed. I can't move in my friend's car, and I seem to have been hit hard on the head.
But that was many years ago. In fact, Billy even gave up smoking, traveled around the world, went to church with me, and talked about life and faith with my pastor. He went back to university to study psychology and health. Of course, all this happened later, and I will talk about it later.
We drank more and more frequently in those days. One night, all of us got together to drink, and everyone lost control. Beer spilled all over the floor like oil and piled up in every corner of the room together with countless empty beer bottles. I was so drunk that I woke up in the middle of the night and found myself lying on the kitchen floor. I have a splitting headache and feel the floor under me as cold as ice. I want to turn my body back to bed, but I can't move. My throat is like a stone and I can't say anything. There is no one in the room except me. I struggled there, wandering in a state of half dream and half awake, and strange voices began to roll in my mind. Hearing someone talking to me in the dark scared me to vomit and my stomach began to spasm. For the first time, I felt that loneliness was so terrible, just like a coffin in the dark that covered me firmly. I'm afraid no one will know if I die there like this. I never needed someone by my side as much as that night. In this way, I lay there all night and let myself suffer slowly in the dark. It was not until dawn that I slowly climbed back into bed. From that day on, I was sure that my life was probably hopeless.
Crazy days will never become the mainstream, and no one wants to spend all day in alcohol. When friends are awake, they will study hard at school and review in the library all night. I don't want to go anywhere at home alone. August in Auckland is the coldest season of the year. I stayed alone in the dark and humid room, listening to the rider outside the door. The strong wind rolled up the window hit by the heavy rain. When it rains at night, I stand at the window and watch the raindrops hit the glass. At that time, I saw loneliness standing outside the window wearing a raincoat and reaching out to me to show my kindness. I found that life began to get boring. I drank wine, tried marijuana and listened to rock music all night, only to find that there was a huge black hole in my heart that was about to swallow me up. Once I went to see the scene of Evanescenve with my friends, holding a beer in my hand, and I felt that there were thousands of people in it, which made me dizzy. I stood under the stage, looking at amy lee, swaying in the dark like an elf, like a fire, illuminating me instantly. Her voice penetrated my ears and body, and I felt that I would be swallowed up by a huge flood sooner or later. I saw everyone jumping wildly and screaming at the top of their lungs, trying to consume all their physical strength in these hours. After the performance, I was exhausted. When I walked out of the meeting, I vaguely felt that there was a force pulling me down in life, just like the scene of rock music, which made people crazy irrepressibly, then depressed, and then gradually spread to life.
What makes me feel cold inside is not that my friends don't care about me. They never abandoned me, even at my worst. But they can't get into my heart. Many times I really want to open my heart and try to say something to them, but I don't know where to start. Even though alcohol can open my whole mental state to them, when I sit next to them, my heart is still dumb and I can't express this feeling more completely. I even want to hug my friends or let them hug me when I am extremely sad, but most of the time, I spend it alone.
Long-term drunkenness also makes me insomnia. I couldn't sleep all night. I watched the sun rise gradually from the early morning night and felt a little warm in my heart. When I can't sleep at night, I will find something to kill time. There are two big cemeteries in downtown Auckland. I remember someone saying that you can see ghosts by going to the cemetery at two o'clock in the middle of the night and then looking at the headstones upside down from your crotch, so I went out to find excitement at one o'clock in the middle of the night. The road is brightly lit, but the cemetery looks dark. Along the way, I feel that the avenue is unobstructed. I bent down beside the cemetery and looked behind my legs with my head down. I didn't see a ghost for a long time. The taxi driver on the roadside looked at me like an idiot, then shook his head and drove away.
Then things got a little bad. For three years, I was inexplicably sad all day. I think many things will become meaningless, whether they are alive or dead, study, work, girlfriend, big house, all of which are destined to affect our lives, but I can't find any reason to prove the value of each of them anymore, because they all failed here. I let myself spend time in meditation and waiting, and spend every day in distress. Time flows in front of me like sea water, and the rolling waves spray on my face, but I am indifferent. I'm not sure why I became another person, but I made one stupid decision after another, away from school and normal life. Coupled with the normal way of thinking, I became irreparable, so I only thought about the best thing in my life, that is, ending my painful life early.
But fortunately, God doesn't allow me to continue to be stupid and won't let me do that.
Just like every story with redemption, I am thinking about how to accept Jesus in those days, whether he drove away my loneliness or my loneliness made him come. I feel that the year I accepted Jesus was like a watershed in my life, like a huge curtain falling from the sky, and then my life was separated from the past and the present, as if the previous 27 years were like an old movie. There was no sign of knowing God that year. The earth didn't crack and the sea didn't flow back. I just met the angel of God on an ordinary day, and then everything began to change slowly and quietly. But I had no idea.
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On a hot afternoon in January, I met a group of Christians in China. On that day, they stood on the street in downtown Auckland and made a questionnaire survey of people coming and going from China. A man named Alex stood in my way. At that time, he stood opposite me with a smile, his skin was a little tanned, and his height was one head taller than mine. He asked me if I was interested in doing a survey, and then handed me a questionnaire. I see that the above questions are all about hobbies, and some of them are about whether I know Jesus God. At the end of the column, I was asked to leave my contact information. I know they are Christians, but I hate them. They stood in the street selling God to people. They sell faith like salesmen, and I hate them. Just before, a group of Mormons did almost the same thing to me in the same position as Alex. They left my phone number and reminded me of their existence by phone for the next six months. Every time at the end, they ask me if I have time to come out and talk. I didn't promise them. I know they are only interested in their own religion. They are not interested in me. They just want me to be a Christian. So when Alex stood in front of me that day, I told myself that the maximum I could tolerate was to fill out this piece of broken paper and leave.
When I was filling it out, he asked me if I had ever been to church and knew who God was. I bowed my head and wrote while waving the huge sandalwood beads on my left wrist. At that time, I was a devout Buddhist, and I was so devout. I took all my friends to the temple to burn incense and pray, eat vegetarian food and drink lotus root tea, and greet Buddha's light by the way. Alex smiled and nodded when I told him I was a Buddhist. I think this guy's smile must be trained and looks like a waiter.
I asked what the name of their church was, and he said his church was called Huaxuan Christian Center. Huaxuan means to preach the gospel to China people. They came to New Zealand from Malaysia to spread Christ to the Chinese here. I agree that you are really something. Alex told me that their pastor would come from Malaysia to baptize the people in the church later, and if they had time, they would take me to see it. "On Sunday, promise not to take up too much of my time," Alex said.
Until the Sunday when I first walked into the church gate, I thought I should be crazy. I don't understand why I walked into the church. I probably remember that I have never seen a Christian ceremony. I have seen Buddhism and Taoism, but I have never seen Christian ceremonies or been to church. I sat in the church and comforted myself as much as possible. I remembered that I could promise Alex to go to church that day, probably because I didn't think he was a Christian like that salesman. He makes me feel good. He shouldn't keep calling me and harassing me.
I went to church that day with sandalwood beads on my left hand. That was the first time I met a priest. I think a priest should wear a black robe with a cross on his chest and take small steps. The priest standing in front of the stage had a beard and spoke loudly. I remember him wearing a short-sleeved shirt and trousers. Alex told me that his name was Reverend Stuart. Reverend Si Tuleideng's speech was very infectious. He said loudly in front that we all lost our lives, and everyone just wandered around the world before knowing Jesus. I felt my heart was touched when he said that there was a gap between us. I have long been aware of this problem, and there is indeed a big black gap in my heart, which devours my life like a black hole, but I have never been sure what it is. Later, the priest said that God cares about us and loves us with love that we can't understand. Only he can change us. Now God wants to give us a new life. No matter how bad our previous life was, there will be a new beginning in God.
Looking back on what happened that day, I feel that what caught my heart in an instant was that I found God's concern for my existence. Not that kind of superficial concern, but that you really care about what you think. He won't be laughed at because of my weird ideas, he won't be helpless because of my guilt, and he won't ignore my existence because of my inferiority. I don't think god will embarrass me. He will care about me. I think God wants to hug me, but what I do, he is ready to accept all my completeness and incompleteness.
For a moment, I wanted to accept Jesus. I still carry the beads, and there is a voice in my head telling me that the ocean of pain has no end. My mind began to struggle a little, remembering what Buddha would do if he knew Jesus.
Before the end, the priest began to ask the following people if they would like to start a new life. Then he told everyone to close their eyes and the priest began to pray. He said that God would come into our hearts and tell us not to wait. Soft music played and the priest's voice was full of magnetism. I closed my eyes and felt like I was in an unreal movie. I was floating in my seat, and my eyes began to drop blood. I didn't know what to do. I guess I was too eager to find an outlet for my life. I don't think I have time to sort out those problems. I only know that God has nothing to do with my culture, language and my past. I feel like I'm standing in front of a huge washing machine. I just need to walk through it, and I become a clean person. At that time, I didn't know who God was, who Jesus was, and whether there would be earth-shaking changes in my future life. I just want to try. When the priest called again, I didn't think of Buddha or anything like that, just wanted to know Jesus. Now I have the courage to raise my right hand without beads. When everyone prayed with their eyes closed.
Afterwards, I heard Alex say that he was very excited when he saw me raise my hand that day. He said that a soul on the earth should be saved and all angels in the sky should sing. I remember that no one would cheer for me except someone who sang for me on my birthday. I asked the angels where they were cheering, and he said it was out of my sight. I said it sounded like a fairy tale. He said to me with an extremely serious expression, "Brother, believe me, they are really singing for your salvation."
When I raised my hand that day, I only thought it was a simple action. For me, it's just that God touched my heart at a certain moment, and then I raised my hand. But it took me a long time to understand why angels should cheer and why people should be saved, because nothing in this world is more important than knowing God. After the meeting, many people came to shake hands with me and congratulated me on my new life with smiles on their faces. I thought they were socializing with me politely, but anyway, they were really enthusiastic. Next, we went to the seaside to watch the baptism. The sea breeze is strong and the sun is shining. The priest baptized five people. They stood in the blue sea, soaked to the skin, and were pulled up by the priest. People standing on the beach played guitars and sang songs for them, and then they walked happily to the shore. And I am at the seaside, silently thinking about what "death, burial, resurrection" means, and whether I will be like them one day.
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After accepting Jesus, I borrowed the DVD of passion of the christ from the priest and went home to watch it. My heart twitched when Jesus was whipped with an iron hook on the screen. When the cross hanging on him was pulled up, I couldn't stand it any longer. It was not until he came back from the grave that my tangled heart relaxed a little. I finished watching the film in the dark that night, but I am no longer afraid of the dark. For many years, I was afraid to sleep because of insomnia, because I was afraid of loneliness in the dark. That night, for the first time in my life, I knelt before God and begged him to give me a new life. I cried like a child that day. I sincerely thank God for coming, and the fear in my heart began to move away little by little. In the following days, I gradually realized God and gradually moved away from loneliness. I do experience God's changes from time to time, and those terrible pasts are like old walls on the wall.
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Later, when I was chatting with my Christian friend Daniel, I talked about accepting Jesus. Daniel can play the piano, and he plays it very well. His fingers are slender, sensitive and wise. He said that when he was studying piano, his piano teacher once taught a playing method called "counterpoint". This method makes the music played more beautiful and harmonious. He said that if we regard life as a melody, we can only compose a monotonous part by ourselves, and I don't know what effect a better chord will have if we add a melody that can match it. Only after God appeared did we find that our life was not as perfect as we thought, or that it made us better.
"In fact, we don't talk properly. It's just that God made up for our monotony. " Daniel said.
He said that he loves music and tried to find the real meaning of life from music before. It was not until the God who wrote about life appeared that he knew what it was like to be in opposition. His words inspired me at that time. I never think that life can be compared to a note, and it is a beautiful note. Before, I only liked rock music, heavy rock, and the notes of life were manic and disorderly. I don't know the piano, but I think I can feel the feeling of counterpoint, that is, the natural harmony. Everything is natural and natural.