Mark Twain received a letter. This is written by a young man. He wants to ask Mark Twain the secret of becoming a great writer. The letter said, "I heard that fish contains a lot of phosphorus, which is good for the brain." It seems that to be a great writer, you must eat a lot of fish, right? But I don't know what fish you ate and how much did you eat? " Mark Twain wrote back: "It seems that you have to eat a whale." Mark Twain said at a reception that "some members of Congress are * * *." The reporter made his words public, and members of Congress in Washington insisted that Mark Twain publish a fact in the newspaper and apologize. Therefore, Mark Twain wrote this notice: "In the past, when I spoke at a banquet, I said that some members of Congress were * * *. After careful consideration, I found this statement inappropriate and untrue. I specially made a statement in the newspaper and revised it to read: Some members of Congress are not * * * *. By chance, Mark Twain and the speaker John M Debby were invited to the same dinner party. At the beginning of the speech, Johnsy M. Debiao was eloquent and emotional. He spoke for 20 minutes and won warm applause. Then it was Mark Twain's turn to make a speech. Mark Twain stood up and said sadly, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm really sorry. Before the meeting, Mr. Johnsy M. Debiao asked me to exchange speeches, so what you just heard was my speech. I sincerely thank you for your careful listening and enthusiastic support. "But somehow, I can't find Mr. Josie Debiao's speech, so I can't speak for him. Please forgive me for sitting down. " French celebrity Bogart ridiculed the short history of Americans, saying that "Americans often miss their ancestors when they are free, but when they think of their grandparents, they can't help but stop." Mark Twain hit back: "When the French are free, they always want to find out who their father is, but it is difficult to find out." When Mark Twain was a little-known writer, he was introduced to General Grant. After they shook hands, Mark Twain couldn't think of anything to say, and Grant kept his usual silence. Finally, Mark Twain stammered, "General, I feel very embarrassed. What about you? " Mark Twain went out for a ride. When the conductor checked the ticket, he searched every pocket and couldn't find his ticket. It happened that the conductor knew him, so he comforted Mark Twain and said, "Never mind. It doesn't matter if you really can't find a ticket. " "Cough! Why not? I must find the damn ticket, otherwise, how will I know where I am going? " Mark Twain often tells people a sad past when he was a child. It is said that Mark Twain was born as twins. He is so similar to his twin brother that their mother can't tell them apart. One day, while the nanny was bathing them, one of them accidentally fell into the bathtub and drowned. No one knows which twin drowned. "The saddest thing is here." Mark Twain said, "Everyone thinks I am the one who survived, but I am not. It was my brother who survived. The drowning person is me. " Mark Twain once stayed in a hotel. He was told in advance that mosquitoes were particularly fierce here. When he checked in at the reception desk, a mosquito just flew in. Mark Twain said to the waiter, "I heard that mosquitoes in your area are very smart. Sure enough, they will come to see my room number in advance, so that they can check the number and have a full meal at night. " The waiter couldn't help laughing after listening. As a result, Mark Twain slept well that night, because the waiter also remembered the room number and went into the room in advance to do mosquito prevention work. Shortly after an old lady from China came back from visiting her daughter in the United States, she went to a city bank to deposit the dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk carefully checked every bill to see if it was true. This made the old lady impatient. Finally, she couldn't hold on any longer and said. "Believe me, Sir, believe in money. They are real dollars. They come directly from China. " Shortly after an old American lady came back from visiting her daughter in America, she went to a city bank to deposit the dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the bank clerk carefully checked every banknote to see if it was fake. This made the old woman very impatient. Finally, she couldn't help saying, "Trust me, sir, and please trust these bills, too. These are real dollars, and they are brought directly from the United States. " 1 65438+1October1is Halloween in the west, and it has also become a ghost festival in the west. Speaking of Halloween, people will inevitably think of playing tricks on their friends. Here are some funny news about Halloween in 2008. I wonder if they can meet your requirements. I heard that today is Ghost Festival, and the streets are full of monsters and ghosts dancing. Remember to go home early, lock the door, don't run around in the middle of the night, go to bed on time, and send me a message before going to bed! Happy Halloween! Pumpkin pumpkin lights on, magic brooms fly, children jump up, friends cry, happy! Happy! Halloween! Today is Halloween. For your safety, please scroll down to ................................................................................................................................................................ That's very obedient! Happy Halloween! You have the heart to leave me alone on Halloween night. Aren't you afraid that handsome ghosts will seduce me? After all this talk, it's a ghost that you haven't replied to my message. Happy Halloween! As long as you forward this message to ten friends, you can get the deep blessing of Halloween Super Ghost King for free, and wish you a carnival night. Sometimes I feel very tired, but I still have to be a man, but today is different. You can relax and be a ghost, and you will be very happy, because today is Halloween Ghost Festival. Send you a gift, representing my heart, giving you happiness, and representing the wishes of ghosts. Being a successful person will be very tired, but as a happy ghost, you can enjoy the blessings of Halloween today. Halloween is a ghost festival, and this site suggests that you don't go too far when spoofing each other. Don't scare people out of heart disease. * Answer The politician Anne Landers (born in 19 18) is a columnist of the American Sun Times. At an embassy job fair, a fairly decent senator came up and joked, "You must be the writer Anne Landers. Tell me a joke! " "Miss Anne replied without hesitation," that's good. You are a politician, lie to me! * The movie advertisement George Kaufman (1889— 196 1) is a famous American playwright and director. Once, a filmmaker asked George Kaufman to adapt the French comedy The Man in the House written by Jacques de Waal. Although the script was successfully rewritten, because of the poor actors and the flu in the whole city at that time, the theater's selling rate was very low and it finally stopped. In order to win the audience, Kaufman put forward an advertising slogan: "If you want to avoid crowding, please go to the knickerbocker Cinema to see the people in the house. "* On-demand silence * George Kaufman was weak in his later years and could not afford to be ill for a long time. He listened to the radio to amuse himself. One night, the radio's on-demand program stopped playing only a few bars of on-demand music. The playwright was annoyed. So I picked up the receiver around me and hung up the radio station according to the phone reported by the host. After he explained that he was George Kaufman, the host was very happy because such a famous person was listening to the program he hosted. "What would you like, sir? I'll arrange it immediately. ""Silence, I ordered silence for five minutes. " Kaufman told the host and audience in Qian Qian. * Eugene G O 'Neill (1888— 1953), a famous American playwright, won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1936. Like many writers, O 'Neill hates being asked to cut his works. On one occasion, director and playwright Russel Crouse asked him to shorten the play "Ah, a barren place", and he reluctantly agreed. The next day, he called Klaus and told him that it had been reduced by 15 minutes. Hearing this, the director was overjoyed: "Great, I'll get the revised script right away. When I got to O 'Neill's office, the author explained to him, "Oh, the script itself hasn't changed much, but you know, we used to divide the script into four performances, and now I have decided to omit the third intermission. "A reporter asked Hemingway for advice:" The language in your works is so concise. What's the secret? " "Sometimes I write when I am hungry, and my stomach is growling; Sometimes I write standing, and I only stand on one foot; Sometimes in the cold winter, I deliberately wear only a thin coat, and I tremble with cold when I write it. These very unpleasant feelings make me have to write as few unnecessary words as possible! " * Ties and novels * In order to attract business, an American clothing company once sent Hemingway a tie with a short message: "The ties produced by our company are very popular with customers. We are sending you samples, please try them out and hope to send them back to 2 yuan. " A few days later, the company received a reply from Hemingway and attached a novel. The letter said: "My novel is very popular with readers, and the first volume is attached for your reading. This book is worth 8 cents for 2 yuan, which means you still owe me 8 cents. " A jealous man wrote a sarcastic letter to Hemingway: "I know that you are worth a thousand dollars now." We enclose a dollar, please send samples to have a look. " Hemingway took the RMB and answered the word "thank you". * Most writers are editors * Once, Robert Gill, an American publisher, asked the poet Eliot (1888- 1965) if he agreed with a common view that most editors are failed writers. Eliot pondered for a moment and said, "Yes, I think some editors are failed writers-but most writers are editors." Snail Waiter One day, the American novelist irwin shaw (1913-1984) walked into a French restaurant. After ordering, I waited quietly for a long time until I was impatient. The waiter in the restaurant recognized him, approached the writer and told him that the snails in this restaurant were very good. Do you want one? Irwin shaw nodded and said, "I already know. Look, you put the snail in the waiter's clothes. " * Discuss with Dogs * Indian writer Tagore (1861-1941) received a letter from a girl: "You are a writer I admire, and I intend to name my beloved pug after you to show my admiration." Tagore wrote a reply to the girl: "I agree with your plan, but before naming it, you'd better discuss it with Pug to see if you agree." Humor master 1 Steve is unemployed and badly in need of money. He decided to look for a job in the richest community in town. An owner's offer Give him a job painting the porch. The man told Steve that the paint and brushes were in the garage. An hour later, Steve rang the doorbell to get his salary. "Thank you, sir," he said when the landlord handed him the money. "Oh, by the way," Steve added, "you don't have a Porsche-this is a Ferrari." This story uses the same pronunciation of Porsche (a car brand) and porch (a porch), and has achieved unexpected comedy effect. The owner asked Steve to paint the porch, but Steve knew he was asked to paint the car. What is the most contradictory sign in the library? Talking loudly is not allowed. Allowed and Aloud are pronounced the same. If you listen to the sound without looking at the words, this sign will be misunderstood as "if you speak aloud, you will not speak aloud." Then, you can make noise in the library, which is really ironic. Professor Ultrashort: Order! Student: Beer! Ordering food means both "quiet" and "ordering food (or drinks, etc.). The professor told the students to be quiet, and the students understood it as asking them what to drink. Clever Chinese translation can also have this effect: Professor: What are you arguing about? Student: Beer! Chinese also uses the homonym of "shout" and "want to drink" in Chinese to properly express the humorous meaning of the original English pun. A man was involved in a serious motorcycle accident and could not speak when he regained consciousness for the first time. He wanted to know how long he had been in a coma, so he took a piece of paper and a pencil from the bedside table and wrote "Date?" To his nurse. She wrote the word "married" on it and returned it to him. Date can mean "date" or "date between men and women". The doctor meant to ask the date, but the nurse interpreted it as an invitation to date and made a joke.