So, what should we do? We hate people like us who get along with children every day, so children will inevitably be contaminated with some of their characteristics, such as hobbies, tone of voice, living habits and so on. Because we can't, don't want to, and dare not hate those people, we transfer our disgust to those defenseless and vulnerable children. Not liking them is the best of both worlds. We vent our disgust without being negatively affected by this venting. In other words, this is a compromise for adults who have no courage and responsibility, and the rejected children become innocent victims.
The second is the transfer of self-disgust. When we don't fully accept ourselves, there are some qualities in us that we hate. Children living with us will infect our good side and our bad side subtly. When the part we hate is completely reflected in the child, just like you see your own evil in the mirror, your dislike for him becomes sudden.
What is more obvious is that many mothers hate their daughters. Due to the tradition of giving preference to boys, many mothers are not valued by their families because of their gender, and even rejected by their families. After an adult has a daughter, the mother will project the disgust she suffered as a child on her daughter.
The second is not to accept your past. The children have been with us for quite a long time. During this time, everything went wrong with us, so they carried many painful or humiliating memories. Seeing them reminds us of terrible experiences, so we hate them. This is more common in unhappy families. After one party is abandoned, in the process of raising children, they will hate children because of their looks, behaviors, habits, etc., just like the person who abandoned you.
There are still some habits, characteristics and behaviors that we can overcome ourselves. After our own progress, children still stay in the previous stage. We hate them because we don't accept our former selves.
Third, because the child did not meet our expectations. Generally speaking, this expectation includes not being admitted to your expected school, not achieving your expected income, not getting your expected job, not getting married, having children and buying a house within your expected time. This aversion usually happens to many parents who pin their dreams on their children. They want their children to take over and finish them, because they hate their children when their dreams are not completed and shattered.
I also found that this actually includes small expectations at all levels of life, such as what clothes to wear, how to wash your face, how to wear shoes, what clothes to wear, which stool to sit on, how to sit, how much to cook, whether it is salty or not, and so on. Once a child does not follow the adult's way and does not reach the required level, it will arouse his disgust. This basically exists in parents who are particularly controlling, and you will see the kind of disgust they have always had for their children.
After analyzing so much, I thought, what if I hate children? The usual reaction I see is to get angry with him, hit him, scold him and belittle him. Then can we have a better way to deal with it?
My own experience, when we hate children, our first reaction is to tell ourselves that he is innocent and weak. He knew nothing at first. We endowed him with many characteristics. There is nothing wrong with most of his actions. Even if there is something wrong with him, we can say that we brought him here. Secondly, he is weak, so weak that they bear our disgust for others, ourselves and the past, and the frustration that our expectations have failed is not equal in itself.
Then we will deal with the analysis. What did he do? What don't we like? Why are we so disgusted with this? After the analysis, you will find that you don't like the children themselves a little, and you won't take such extreme behavior at all. Even you will feel sympathy for your children and resent that they have been treated so unfairly, even if you give him such treatment.
Finally, I would like to mention that when there are family conflicts, such as the dispute between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and the dispute between husband and wife, children can easily become tools and victims of struggle. For example, the mother-in-law or daughter-in-law makes the child cry, hoping that the other party will take care of her first, such as letting the child choose a side station in the tug-of-war between husband and wife. In this process, both sides want to win the struggle and gain the advantage on their own. No one cares about children's feelings. Because children are weak and innocent, it is often children who suffer the most. I have seen many such scenes, but I am very helpless and feel very uncomfortable. Therefore, I think people with family conflicts should handle the conflicts themselves like adults, don't involve the children, and try to ensure that the children are less hurt. In fact, both sides of the contradiction can express their love for their children at the same time, which is not absolutely in conflict with their contradictions.
No matter what the road of life is, children should grow up in our love. Yes, there will be many setbacks and disappointments in our life, but these have nothing to do with children. As adults, when facing children, we should know what is our own, what is children's and what is our interaction, and then deal with our own, let go of children's and only communicate with children that part of our interaction.