On the way, the child pointed to a person in front and said to his mother:

"Mom, look, there is not a hair on that man's head!"

"Keep your voice down so that people can hear you."

Mom said, "What? Doesn't he know it himself? "

minus

In math class, the teacher said to a student, "How come you can't even subtract?" ? For example, you have ten apples at home.

You ate four. What was the result? "

The student said gloomily, "I was slapped ten times!" " "

3. Northwest wind

Teacher: Southeast wind blows in summer and northwest wind blows in winter. Please remember.

Student: No, my mother said that she married my father and drank the northwest wind all the year round.

4. and

A fool parrots and tells a proverb: "A cat is a tiger in the eyes of a mouse and a mouse in the eyes of a snow leopard."

Others joked with him: "So, what animal is this" harmony "?"

The fool said solemnly, "and this animal is bigger than a cat and smaller than a mouse." "

5. Designer

Student: "Teacher, I dreamed that I became a composer. Excuse me, how can I turn my dream into reality? "

Teacher: "Sleep less!"

Advertise like this

A milkman posted an advertisement like this:

"If you drink a glass of milk every day for 1200 months, you will live to 100 years old!"

7. Fare knowledge

Invite a friend who has never seen a movie to see a movie. In the process of film screening, there was a scene of the hostess.

Horn is lying in the bathtub. He saw the camera suddenly stand up, then sit down and talk to himself.

"No wonder the tickets upstairs are more expensive than those downstairs," he said quietly.

8. roast suckling pig

A gentleman was late for dinner. After sitting down in a hurry, I saw the roast suckling pig in front of me, so I was happy to say; "Not bad,

I sit next to the suckling pig. "Words just export, only to find that a fat lady glared at each other, he hurried with a smiling face.

Say; "I'm sorry, I mean the one that's done well."

9. The second eye

"A few days ago, I met a girl. I loved her at first sight. "

"That's great! But why don't you marry her? "

"I glanced at her again."

10. Objection

A remote and backward mountain village needs to install electric lights from the town 30 miles away. Someone in the village mentioned this.

Someone objected, "Oh, my God! Waiting for it to come from so far away every night, at least in the middle of the night, when we

We are already asleep, so don't turn on the light! "

1 1. Celebrity anecdotes

One day, an acquaintance visited Mendeleev's house, and he kept talking.

"Am I boring you?" The guest finally asked.

"no, I didn't ... where are you?" Mendeleev replied:

"Go, go, you don't interfere with me, I'm thinking about my own business ..."

12. Mutual causality

"Why is your hair getting less and less every day?"

"Because I have something on my mind every day."

"What do you worry about every day?"

"I'm worried that my hair is getting less and less every day!"

button

"Husband, the buttons on my coat are off. It's really embarrassing to wear. "

"Never mind, I'll buy it tomorrow."

"What to buy? A new coat? "

"No, new buttons."

14. Best tailor

In the same street in London, there lived three tailors.

One day, a tailor hung a sign on his window, which said, "The best tailor in London."

The other saw it and posted a sign that said, "The best tailor in England."

The third tailor saw it and thought for a long time.

A few days later, he put up a sign that said, "The best tailor in this street."

15. Similar

A: "Who is that ugly guy sitting in the front row?"

B: "That's my brother."

A: "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't expect you to be so alike."

16. drunken gaffes

Two drunks are chatting together.

"Damn me! I made a slip of the tongue after drinking that day and told my wife that I had been married before. "

"I am more damn it! I made a slip of the tongue after drinking and told my wife that I plan to get married again in the future. "

17. Special dishes

The hostess said to the maid, "We have guests coming home for dinner tonight. See what specialties you can cook. "

Maid: "Yes, madam. Do you want the guests to come back after eating, or never come back? "

18. Husband's friend

The Valentis were about to have lunch when the hostess standing on the windowsill suddenly shouted to her husband, "Hey, Nick, yours."

Friends are here, I bet they haven't eaten yet! "

"Quick!" The host stood up at once, and everyone sat in the living room with toothpicks.

19. Almost.

The father said to the child who was doing his homework, "What's the situation?"

The child said, "Almost."

Father: "Almost" is not a good statement. Be more precise. "

Child: "Yes, Dad, I have done it right."

Father: "Well, that's more like it."

20. circus

"Dad, let me play the circus bear."

"Then what should I do?"

"You played the uncle who played with the bear and kept stuffing delicious food into my mouth."

2 1. tooth extraction

The dentist said to the patient, "Don't be afraid. Come and have a drink to calm down. " . "

When the patient finished drinking, after a while, the doctor asked, "How do you feel now?"

"Who dares to pull out my teeth?" The patient said to the doctor with red eyes.

22. Buy film

A man went to a photo studio to buy film.

The clerk asked, "What kind? 24*36? "

The man inexplicably touched his head for a long time and said, "24*36=864, I don't understand." I also need to buy a movie. "

Do the math problem first? "

23. Street signs

A tourist saw a road sign on the road ahead, which said, "This road is closed, please make a detour." He stepped forward several times.

There's nothing unusual about watching the road. I thought it might just be a good joke, so I walked on. After a while,

A broken bridge blocked his way, so he had to leave angrily. When he came to the street sign, he saw on the back of the sign: "Huan!" "

Welcome back, you idiot! "

24. find mom

Five-year-old John got separated from his mother in the crowd. He cried and asked people:

"Didn't you see a woman? She has a little boy who looks like me. "

25. Snoring

Little John's father went to bed as soon as it got dark, and the heavy and annoying snoring made little John uneasy.

Industry. "Ah! Wake up, wake up! " Little John shook his father hard.

"Bah, I just lie down, what are you yelling about? ! "Old John lost his temper.

"I saw you snoring for two hours, and you were really tired. I told you to sit up and have a good rest. "

26. light the oil lamp

Malaysia's power company sent an investigator to visit a village with inconvenient transportation after power supply.

People, ask if it is more convenient for them after electricity. An old lady said, "I thank you very much." I will find it later. "

Light an oil lamp and you will never have to touch the dark again. "

27. Reading newspapers

An illiterate person bought a newspaper, pretended to read it, but turned it upside down.

"hello, sir!" A passer-by asked him, "Please tell me, what's in the newspaper?"

"Yes, something had happened again. You see, the train wheel is pointing at the sky-it overturned. " The man replied.

29. Irrevocable

Patient: "I often suffer from insomnia. Is there any good medicine? "

Doctor: "It is best to control it in a rational way."

Patient: "How to control it?"

Doctor: "When you sleep, don't think about other things. Count carefully until you fall asleep. "

Patient: "That won't do. I will jump when I count to ten! " "

Doctor: "Oh! Then why? "

Patient: "I'm a boxer."

30. tolerant and kind

Picasso paid no attention to fake paintings posing as his own works, and never pursued them. When he saw fake paintings, he only put one at most.

The forged signature was blotted out. "Why should I make a fuss?" Picasso said. People who paint fake paintings are not poor painters.

He's an old friend. I'm Spanish. I can't embarrass my old friends. Experts who authenticate the original work also have to eat.

I haven't lost anything. "

3 1. Will (male name)

Husband: After many years of marriage, I found that you are a weak-willed person. What do you think of me?

Wife: I don't think you have this intention at all.

32. Very good question

Someone asked the doctor, "Excuse me, doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?"

"First, stop drinking." "I never drink."

"Second, abstain from color." "I don't like women at all."

"Third, eat less meat." "I am a vegetarian!"

"Then why did you live so long?"

33. Three dollars

A woman walked into the grocery store and said to the clerk, "Miss, I bought 10 kg of potatoes this morning. You are looking for change. "

I miscalculated three dollars. "

"Then why didn't you tell me?" The clerk replied angrily, "Unfortunately, it's too late now."

"Well," the woman said quietly, "I'll take these three dollars."

34. There are too many smokers

In the shop, a customer said to the boss, "I suspect that your piano is refurbished and used!" " Look, this ivory

The buttons are all black. "

"Heaven and earth conscience, there is no such thing." The boss explained, "It's all because elephants smoke too much."

35. The question of draw

Someone walked in the desert for a long time and was so thirsty that he smoked. He was about to walk out of the desert when he met a salesman.

Members. The latter suggested that he buy a tie. He said, "Do me a favor. I'm so thirsty that I want to tear my shirt. What else can I buy? "

Tie! "The salesman for a boring, walked away. The poor man was finally found in a small town near the desert.

After visiting a bar, he rushed in. So he said to the waiter at the door, "Give me something to drink quickly."

All right! "His throat is almost hoarse." Sorry, sir, people who don't wear ties are not allowed in. "the waiter

He politely refused his request. "what! ......"

36. Hit a wall everywhere

A gentleman politely asked the lady sitting next to him, "Will it bother you if I smoke here?"

The lady kindly said to him, "No, you are as good as at home."

The gentleman immediately took back his cigarette case and sighed and said, "I still can't smoke!" "

37. Miaoyu

Men, like fire, fled outside without paying attention.

Rumors are passed from mouth to mouth like kisses.

Unwilling to advertise in business is like winking at a woman in the dark.

Happiness is like a math test. As soon as you do the first question, the teacher will give the second question at once.

Youth is the time when we look for green fields, while middle age is the time when we are unable to cultivate the fields we have found.

38. Don't have a drink

An old customer is drinking in a bar. He always drinks two glasses.

The waiter asked him, "Why don't you have a big one?"

"I've given up drinking, and I haven't given up a drink." The old customer said with a smile.

Other uses

"Mr. Green, I simply don't understand."

The doctor said discontentedly, "You always ask me to prescribe sleeping pills for you, but why do you always stay in the bar until late at night every day?"

"You don't understand this. This medicine is not for me, but for my wife. "

40. enthusiasm

"Get rid of melancholy," the psychiatrist told the patient. "Let enthusiasm fill your daily life, get up and go to bed with enthusiasm.

Ben. In short, do everything with enthusiasm. A week later, the patient came back, looking more melancholy than before.

The doctor asked him if he had followed the doctor's advice. "That's the problem," the patient replied. "I got up and ate enthusiastically.

After dinner, I kissed my wife goodbye, so that I was two hours late for work and was fired. "

4 1. Birthday problem

Child: Mom, when is my birthday?

Mom: June 15th.

Child: What about you? Mom: June tenth.

Child: What, you gave birth to me in five days? !

42. misunderstanding

A European tourist is looking for a zipper for sportswear in a shop in Tokyo. He made a long gesture to a salesgirl.

Son. Finally, the salesgirl understood, took out a sword for caesarean section and put it on the counter.

43. gas station

A notice was posted at a gas station on the outskirts of a city in Africa: "The only place is to refuel the fuel tank and oil drum. All the way forward.

The gas station is a mirage. "

Kangaroo's bag

Father: "Do you know why there is a bag in front of kangaroo's stomach?"

Child: "I think it must be used to hold kangaroos."

Father: "But kangaroo also has a bag in front of its stomach. What is the explanation? "

Child: "that must be used to hold candy!" " "

45. get to the point

The teacher wrote "Confusion" on the blackboard.

Then he asked a student, "Can you tell me what this idiom means?"

The student stood up, pushed his glasses with deep myopia, and carefully looked at the four words on the blackboard for a long time.

Yes, at last he said helplessly, "Teacher, I can't see clearly." "

The teacher said, "You are right. Please sit down. "

46. Two pronouns

In grammar class, John was distracted.

Suddenly the teacher asked, "John, can you name two pronouns?" "

John stood up, shook his head and said, "Who? Me! "

47. Cycle

Lao Wang was resting under a tree, and Lao Li came up to him and said, "Hey, why don't you go up the mountain to cut wood?"

Lao Wang said, "What for?"

Lao Li said, "It's easy to sell money. Selling donkeys can buy donkeys and then sell firewood from door to door. Buy a truck after making money, and then

Buy a wood factory to sell wood products and buy more trucks, then you can make a fortune. "

Lao Wang asked, "Why did you get rich?"

Lao Li replied: "If you make a fortune, you can enjoy happiness with peace of mind."

Lao Wang said, "What do you think I'm doing now?"

forgetful

The manager said to his secretary, "The meeting on August 20th is very important. Please remember to remind me. "

The secretary said, "It was the day before yesterday."

The manager said, "Oh, my God! I forgot to attend the meeting! "

The secretary said, "You have been there."

49. Award winning

"Congratulations on winning the first prize in the lottery, with a bonus of one million. Are you happy? "

"I'm going crazy with joy!"

"What are you going to do first?"

"Tell friends and relatives that I didn't win the prize."

sweethearts

A couple is in a restaurant. The young man grabbed the girl's hand and they looked at each other affectionately for a long time.

Young men versus girls

Say, "You are so sweet, I really want to eat you."

The girl said shyly, "I want to eat you, too."

Waiter standing by for a long time: "Well, would you like something to drink?"

5 1. Gift

The young man bought a birthday present for his new girlfriend. They haven't been together long, so the young man passed the exam carefully.

I think it is most appropriate to send a pair of gloves-romantic, but not too intimate.

Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, he went to Sears Department Store and bought a pair of white gloves. My girlfriend's sister also gave it to me.

I bought a pair of underwear. The clerk mixed up two things when packing, and his girlfriend's sister gave her gloves.

Really turned into underwear. The young man didn't check the contents of the package, sealed it and sent it to his girlfriend with a note:

Dear:

I chose this gift because I observed it carefully. You never have to go out with me at night. If it weren't for your sister when

If I have time, I will choose the long trousers with buttons. But she used a short one that came off easily.

The color is very light, but the lady who sold it showed me something that she had used for three weeks, and it was not light at all.

Dirty. I asked her to try yours. She looks beautiful.

auction

At the auction house, the auction was temporarily suspended, and the auctioneer said, "In our room, a gentleman just lost.

I bought a wallet with 1000 yuan in it. This gentleman is willing to go out of 200 yuan if someone can get his wallet back. "

Suddenly, a voice came from behind: "I am out of 220 yuan!"

53. mad cow

One day, two cows were chatting. . .

A Niu: I heard that mad cow disease is very popular in Britain recently. I wonder if it will infect us?

B Niu: No way! ? We are kangaroos.

Already crazy.

54. Words cannot express meaning.

A regiment of the British army bought a donkey as a mascot. Unfortunately, the donkey died in a few days. Due to the head of the delegation

The difference is outside, so the deputy head sent a telegram to the head: "The donkey died unfortunately. Buy another one or wait for you to come back? "

55. Dance partner

In the crowded ballroom, a young lady without a partner sat in her seat.

I was hooked up when I saw a handsome young man coming towards her. "Do you want to dance?"

The young man asked politely. "yes." She answered in a low voice.

"Ok, can I sit in your seat?"

56. enthusiasts

An artist, a lawyer and a computer scientist discuss the value of a lover.

The artist described: "When meeting my lover, I was very afraid of the scandal caused by the exposure of my relationship, but it also brought strong anxiety."

Excitement and tremor. "

The lawyer commented: "lovers will bring guilt to the parties, cause divorce and ruin their reputation ... it's too much trouble to do."

Worth it. "

The computer scientist proudly said, "This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My wife thinks I have to be with my lover.

My wife thinks I have to stay with my wife, so I can stay with the computer all night. "

visual error

A: "hello, miss, the appetite here has decreased a lot recently."

B: "It may be parallax, sir. Because the area of the hall has expanded. "

58. Athletes

I had hoped to be an athlete and represent my country in international competitions.

Why did it not come true? '

I often mix things up because I have a bad memory. Once, I threw the softball into the shot put by mistake.

So what are you doing now? '

Work as a pharmacist in a drugstore.

Gem ring.

"Nico:" I went to buy a pair of socks every day after I fell in love with the lady in the company's shoes and socks cabinet. "

A Bing: "Oh, you are so lucky! I fell in love with the lady in the gem cabinet. I have only bought gem ring once, and I can't stand it. "

60. Send a bachelor

The gangster Monto was stopped by the police at the intersection. He struggled desperately, took out a dagger and stabbed the policeman to death.

I was finally caught.

During the trial, the police chief reprimanded: "Do you know who stabbed to death? Is the father of a family. "

"It's not my fault. Next time, "Monto replied," you can send a bachelor to arrest me. "

6 1. anus

A gangster rushed into a pub, fired two shots in a row and shouted, "All bastards get out of here!" " "

All the customers rushed to the door, except an Englishman who was still standing at the counter drinking slowly.

The gangster stared at him viciously and said, "What?"

Englishman: "nothing, it seems that there are many bastards!" " "

62. Monday morning quarterback

The robber forced the boss with a pistol: "Listen, take out all the money!" " "

The boss said, "Unfortunately, the robbers who came last night took all the money."

Robber: "You loser, why don't you close the door?" ! "

63. Why didn't you say so earlier?

Master thief complained to his apprentice and said, "You are such an idiot! It took us all night to open all the insurance.

Boxes, but they are all empty. You didn't tell me until now-this is a factory that produces safe boxes!

64. He who talks too much will lose.

The police greeted the1000th passing car in the newly opened tunnel and presented it to the driver on behalf of the municipal authorities.

1000 yuan lucky bonus and a medal. He asked by the way, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"First of all, I want to get a driver's license," the driver replied.

His wife quickly explained, "officer, my husband always talks nonsense after drinking."

His deaf mother added, "Look, I knew you couldn't steal a car!" " "

65. Brother

The judge asked the defendant: Are you sure you are not lying? Defendant: What do you mean?

What the judge can't understand is: You told me you only had one brother, why did your sister say there were two?

66. discourage

Judge: Did you try to stop the defendant before he hit you?

Plaintiff: Yes. I tried all the most vicious and ugly words to persuade him, but he still punched me.

67. Narrow-minded judges

Three prisoners sat in front of the squint judge. The judge asked majestically, what's your name, the second prisoner, Bill?

Answer honestly. I didn't ask you! The judge growled. But I didn't say anything, and the third prisoner was wronged

answer

68. Another way of saying it.

When American police confirm whether a suspect has committed a crime, they often ask witnesses to go through routine identification procedures. police

In order to let the witness identify the accent of the suspect, it is stipulated that every identified suspect should say the same thing.

Words: "Give me all the money, I need some small change." One day, in a police station in the United States, the first and second

In this procedure, all the suspects spoke according to the requirements of the police. When the third suspect arrived, he blurted out: "I"

That's not what I said then! "

69. I have seen it.

The judge pointed to the murder weapon and asked the defendant, "Have you seen this gun?"

"No, sir." The defendant replied.

The judge asked several times, but the defendant still said he hadn't seen it. The judge had to adjourn the court.

The next day, the judge continued to interrogate the defendant: "Have you seen this gun?"

"Yes, sir, I have."

"When?" The judge breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yesterday in court!"

accomplice

Before the criminal was caught, those who cooperated with him in breaking the law were called accomplices.

After the criminal is caught, the person who cooperates with him in breaking the law is called a lawyer.

7 1. Focus

Bob: Your son has been unemployed for several years. What has he achieved now?

John: I don't know what he has achieved, but the government attaches great importance to him.

Bob: How to pay attention?

John: The police station has announced that if someone tells him the news, he will get a bonus of $654.38 million! ! !