Self-conscious learning, positive progress, that is, the ability to learn independently and actively.
What is the ability to let a child learn independently without the supervision of parents and teachers?
However, what bothers everyone is that children don't have the spirit of independent learning and good self-management ability, which affects their grades and outstanding performance, right?
Let's look at a case first:
In primary school, my daughter got good grades. I pay special attention to my daughter, because I want her to be excellent, so I enrolled him in various cram schools and stayed with her every day. When I get home at night, I will not only help my children with their homework, but also urge them to pack up all the supplies for the next day. So my children get very good grades and finish their homework well every time.
After entering junior high school, children began to live on campus. As a result, a year later, their grades dropped sharply. So we take our child home to live in order to see her spend more time studying, and we want to use this time to manage our child's study.
However, contrary to expectations, although the child's grades have improved slightly, they have never returned to the past. I have communicated with the teacher, who said that children have no goals and can't find the fun of learning, as if they were studying for teachers and parents. Poor learning initiative, just finishing the homework assigned by the teacher every day, and will not take the initiative to preview or review.
This time, I didn't scold him when I saw the result, but my attitude was not very good. I said to the child, "Why did you take this test again?" Can't you work hard? "When the child looked at me, he said, try harder next time. But the results of the next two monthly exams are still the same. I said something I shouldn't have said in anger, and now the child won't tell me anything.
I am very anxious now: "Why don't children have the motivation to learn?" Why say so much to no avail? "
Do you feel the same way after reading this case? Does your child have this problem?
First, the role of autonomous learning.
Initiative is the behavior quality that individuals act according to their own goals and do not rely on external forces. Driven by personal needs, motives, ideals, ambitions and values.
In other words, why should children learn independently?
Self-study is easy to exert one's internal force, so that learning can achieve efficient harvest, right? If a child has strong self-management ability and high self-discipline, he can cope with his time, study and life without the supervision and help of adults, right?
In other words, it is to let children take learning as a very important thing actively, spontaneously, willingly and sincerely, and really want to learn and learn well by themselves.
If children really reach this state, will we still worry about their grades? Will you be anxious and angry because of this?
Second, how is the ability of self-study and self-management lost?
1, parents care too much to make their children walk with crutches.
Do you see that the child's current situation is also caused by his mother? Why do you say that? Just as the mother described herself in the case: What is behind the children's good study in primary school? Mother has been helping children, urging children and checking children, that is to say, she is a very responsible mother image. From children's homework, to children's grades, to children's time and so on. Mom will take care of everything.
In junior high school, children began to live on campus, leaving their mother's company and control. The child seems to have been walking on crutches, and the crutches were removed at once. The child suddenly felt out of balance. She doesn't know how to keep her strength steady and walk straight. Although he wants to work hard, as he said, he can't help himself. What is the reason?
Children rely too much on their mother's "responsible" crutches.
Suddenly leaving, the child certainly has no ability to go on, and the child has no confidence to go on by himself. At this time, the mother saw the child's hard work and retrogression, and quickly took the child home and became a crutch for the child again, and the child's grades improved again. But it's not as good as primary school. Why? Because the child was uncomfortable for too long after removing the crutches, his homework fell behind a lot. And the mother didn't tell her children how to walk her own way without crutches. Children don't know the way to go by themselves, so they don't have much determination and confidence to work hard on their own.
Who caused this state?
Or mom. Nowadays, children want to make progress and obey, but many times they can't control themselves and don't know how to make real progress. In addition, children have relaxed themselves for a while, and it will be very difficult to catch up with them. So sometimes if you can't see the results of your own efforts, or if you can't meet your mother's expectations and requirements, you will be discouraged. As a result, there is a phenomenon of repeated achievements. If you work hard or your mother is more careful, your grades will rise a little. As long as your mother gives up or you give up, you will drop it right away. Children have a poor sense of responsibility in learning and lose their motivation to learn.
2. Parents study too hard, which makes children lose their sense of responsibility.
In the case, we can also see that the mother really cares about her children and tries her best to accompany them to study, but why didn't it work later?
If parents care too much, children will lose an opportunity to manage their study time and tasks. Mother has planned everything, so the children don't have to worry. Mother said that they should learn English this hour, and so should the children. Mom says it's time to learn math, so it's time for the child to learn math. Mother said that he practiced piano at 5 o'clock, and the child followed his mother to practice piano. Mom said that all homework, textbooks and stationery should be put in his schoolbag before going to bed.
Let's see, what has the child become?
Do you still have to plan your own time? In fact, children have no time at all.
Do children still have to think about which subject to study? No, mom has arranged it.
The child became a puppet. Do puppets have their own ideas? Will the puppet take the initiative? Do puppets want to do better?
Therefore, if parents care too much, children will lose themselves and lose many opportunities for exercise and initiative.
For example, I have a colleague's child who has been particularly dependent since childhood. If his mother is not around, he won't do his homework. If his mother is around, he can finish his homework quickly. Why is this?
The reason is that mothers are very strong and always afraid that their children will not write well. Since kindergarten, they have developed the habit of sitting next to their children and accompanying them with their homework, and they will always give guidance. After a long time, children feel that learning to write homework is not their own business, and writing is not good, as if their mother will be more anxious and angry.
You can think about it. If you think you must have done it yourself, or if it is the work of several people, under what circumstances will you be more active?
As long as you understand this truth, you will know why arranging instead will make children lose their initiative in learning.
As you can see, in fact, whose business is learning? This is about parents, about parents. Why should children be responsible?
3. Improper discipline makes children lose self-confidence and weaken internal forces.
When the child's grades are not good, the mother treats the child rudely, criticizes the child, scolds the child, and even speaks ill of the child. Let's think about it. What is the biggest drawback of this?
You will lose self-confidence, and children will often feel that even their parents look down on me, look down on me, and think that I can't. I may really be a bad boy.
In addition, does the continuous decline in grades have a big impact on children's self-confidence?
In addition, a child whose grades are falling, or whose grades are not good, can't get much good looks from the teacher.
These will make children less and less powerful. A weak child may not even have the confidence to do what we think is the most basic thing, right?
Since I can't do anything well, since I can't satisfy my parents and teachers, and since I can't work hard, will my children still work hard?
No one wants to struggle and work hard without hope, right?
Third, how to mobilize children's enthusiasm for autonomous learning and self-management.
1, accept children, encourage children, give them confidence, and let them grow up with inner strength.
This really needs the wisdom of parents.
For example, when we do something independently, what kind of mentality and feelings do you usually have when we can't do it well? What kind of attitude do you usually face this matter? Next time, will you be willing to do the same thing or something similar?
We generally don't want to do things that are unsuccessful or not good at. This kind of psychology should be said to be very normal.
If your leader severely criticized you at this time, do you still want to work hard? Even if you do, is it too much to deal with and less to take the initiative?
So, how should we deal with the decline of children's grades, understand?
2. Parents learn to let go and let their children take care of their own affairs.
Mothers always go back and forth around their children, making them not understand that they should go their own way. Therefore, what a mother has to do now is to tell her children to go her own way, because the road is his own and learning is his own business. When the child agrees with his mother's point of view and accepts the idea that he can walk well without his mother and constraints, the child's internal force will play a role, that is, he will have the motivation to learn independently.
The role of internal and external forces is completely different, and the motivation for children to move forward is also very different. Children's study is like pulling a cart. Pulling a cart was originally his own business, but his mother was always afraid that the child would walk slowly, so she kept helping the child pull a cart. The child thinks he can walk well and quickly without any effort. Such a good thing, of course, he readily accepted. When the mother stops exerting force on the child, the child feels that pulling a cart is really a laborious task. He feels too tired after pulling for a short time, so he will walk slower and slower, and even stop because he is behind. At this time, the result can be imagined.
What is the most reasonable way? It is the child who pulls the cart himself, so that the child knows that pulling the cart is his own business. Parents can't completely ignore it, but put their hands behind the car, so that the child feels that his mother has been with him. This is psychological support for children. When the mother found that the child had encountered a ditch and found that the child was struggling, and the child turned to the mother for help, the mother quickly made her own efforts to help the child cross this hurdle smoothly. At this time, the child will not only be very grateful to his mother, but also feel her love and strength, and understand a truth: as long as he works harder, he can cross this ditch. But also gain pride after crossing the ditch, so as to find a kind of self-confidence. This is the right way to help children.
Generally speaking, external forces play an auxiliary role through internal forces. If children are not interested in learning, have no initiative and have no responsible attitude, it is ineffective to rely on parents and teachers to supervise.
The child is no longer willing to ask his father for guidance. Why?
Children no longer ask their father to guide them, which is also a way for them to declare independence. He felt that he no longer needed his parents to teach him by hand. If he still teaches as before, he feels that he is still a child who has not grown up, and now he has entered adolescence, so he wants to be independent and prove that he can do it. Therefore, letting go is also a kind of trust.
Here, you may have a question, I let go, he stopped studying, or his study has regressed.
I can understand this worry, but I want to tell you that letting go is not the same thing. What is the real letting go? Tell your child by words and deeds and in various ways: Now that you have grown up, mom and dad believe that you can do it yourself, so mom and dad are very assured that you can do your own thing well. Even if the child's study deteriorates temporarily, he will not lose confidence in the child, let alone worry and blame, but encourage the child: it doesn't matter, this is only a temporary change. Mom and dad believe that you can gradually adapt yourself to the state of walking. Really give children confidence and truly believe that children can do it.
And what do our average parents mean by letting go? When the teacher said to let go, I would not teach or care about the children, but I was seriously worried and scared and kept saying, will this work? It's like watching a toddler. Although the child doesn't want to be dragged by his mother, her mother is always afraid that the child will fall, so she protects the child with her hands. I don't know if you have experienced such a period of time. The children kept knocking at our hands on both sides and had to go by themselves. This is because children think they can do it and don't need the protection of their parents. We usually show worry and distrust. What's more, when I saw the child fall or tilt, I immediately panicked, picked up the child and never let go of it again. The same is true in learning. When we let go of our children with a grain of salt, we are still worried, afraid and anxious. Once the children's grades drop, we will return to the arranged state. At this time, the child has already had an independent consciousness. Your help at this time has proved to the child that I can't do it myself, and I can't do it without my parents. However, the characteristics of his development during this period prompted him to want to undertake it independently. And the result of retrogression made him feel incompetent. Coupled with the distrust of his parents, he slowly lost confidence in himself. If a child goes to primary school, he will listen to his parents and let them help him. However, adolescent children are not allowed to do this again, so that he will not only lose confidence, but also become angry from embarrassment. Such anger was originally an anger against one's incompetence. At this time, it happened that his parents reached out to help him, so his anger changed. So, the resistance began.
So we must distinguish between what is really put down and what is really put down. Not letting go at all, but giving up. Therefore, there is a firm belief before letting go, that is, I believe that children can do well! Then, be ready to encourage and cheer for your child at any time and help your child when necessary. Everyone will find it difficult to grasp this degree, so they have to explore it, but the key is that you can test for yourself whether I really believe in our children and whether I can accept any state of children.
Then if you understand the truth, you must practice it. How to practice?
First, apologize to the child and tell the child: "Mom did something wrong in the past, not only didn't help you, but also helped you, so don't push hard."
Second, tell the child: "Mom should let go in the future, because learning is your own business. What a mother can do is always look at you with warm eyes and support you with the power of love. Mom believes you, you can do it yourself. If there is anything you feel you need your mother's help, she will do her best. "
What kind of learning attitude should children be given?
Learning is your own business, and your mother will always be with you. When you are in trouble and ask her for help, she will certainly lend a helping hand. This not only supports the child psychologically, gives him strength, but also makes him feel that he should take responsibility and do his own thing with heart. Is this active?
Third, after explaining the truth, you really have to let go, and you can't help your child pull the cart again and again. In this way, the child will become a habit, not even so hard, and even have the luck of waiting for others to help him pull the cart.
Fourth, when you let go, you find that your child has regressed, and you really can't control yourself. Don't be anxious, accept all the results at that time with a calm mind, because today's results are your own making, so you must accept them. Tell your child with your calmness: Mom firmly believes that you can go by yourself! Mom really doesn't have to reach out. The child may be depressed at first, or angry at his mother's inaction, but gradually he will get used to it, and he will understand that he has no external force to borrow. He must work hard if he wants to go to the front. At this time, his internal force will slowly wake up.
Fifth, when children are still in distress, encourage them, even a small progress, even a small habit, to take it out and enlarge it, give them confidence and make them believe that they can do it. This is actually what Wang Jinzhan said, to give children a rising step, like their own expectations, so that children can see hope. If you always focus on your child's previous Excellence and always think that your child will be excellent only in primary school, then your mentality will not be peaceful and your requirements will become higher. Even if you try not to show it, your children can feel their mother's disappointment. In this way, children will gradually lose confidence in themselves in your disappointment, and the end of their efforts will gradually become smaller.
Of course, this is a difficult process and there will be risks. Maybe the child will have discomfort for a long time, maybe the child can't go on the road for a year or two, but it's better than the child's life. The key is that you should be prepared to accept all the results while doing it. No matter what happens to your child, you love your child as always. When the child feels the unconditional love, acceptance and trust of the mother, the child's internal force and the child's positive nature will certainly be shown, and you will see a sunny, cheerful and positive boy.