I was sitting in a coffee shop, stirring strong coffee and looking out of the window casually. It is warm spring in the coffee shop, but it is cold winter outside the window. The west wind, with fluffy snowflakes in it, reflects the night, but it is also a beautiful scenery.
A tall man in a dark blue coat caught my eye, and my heart thumped, just like a small bottle full of secrets was suddenly knocked over, which set off a huge wave in my heart.
"But it is somewhat similar to him." I pretended to comfort myself. But memory doesn't lie, it comes like a flood of surprises, sweeping the long-gone past and reappearing like a movie.
In high school, although Gu Yuan was in my class, I didn't know much about him. I only have a vague impression that this person is a bit awkward and uncomfortable.
Until now, in retrospect, I still can't figure out what is good about him. When it comes to advantages, I'm afraid he is only a little taller. I have always been the first in my grade, sitting in the first row, and Gu Yuan's grades are average, sitting in the last row. It seems that we will never have anything in common.
Every time I see him, I always whisper to Mianmian at the same table, "How awkward it is for you to look after Yuanchang." She thought so, too
But I have no prejudice against him except awkward.
Later, I changed my seat. Somehow, he also sat in the front row, next to my good friend Li Mian, who lives near his home. Junior high school is also a school, and there are many topics to talk about. Occasionally, I can talk. Gradually, we all got to know each other, and learned that although Gu Yuan was awkward, she was very gentle and very popular with girls.
Less than a month after this casual chat, the teacher proposed to adjust the seat again. The day before we changed seats, Mianmian and I were still a little sad. After talking with Gu Yuan, he said he was a little sad, too, and we said goodbye solemnly.
At that time, we regarded small separation as big separation.
After the relocation, I was still in the first row, Mianmian was still my deskmate, and Gu Yuan was right behind us. We seemed very happy to meet again.
At that time, students who couldn't see the blackboard clearly could sit in the front row, so the students in the back row took action one after another, but many people just wanted to chat conveniently.
Gu Yuan's stool camped beside my seat. But we don't talk much, tacitly.
If I am beautiful enough in someone's mind, then I am happy.
Gu Yuan and I had such a short happiness. Whenever I think of this happiness, I always burst into tears for no reason. At that time, the whole class watched movies together, and we sat together warmly; A cup of hot water on the table in winter; The tenderness of telling me to take medicine when I have a cold. These subtle touches have pieced together and become irreplaceable rich worries in my heart.
Ambiguous like honey milk tea, thick and full of sweetness.
Then the taste changed completely. Seeing him talking to other girls, I will unconsciously feel blocked and unhappy. Feeling depressed every day, frowning becomes the norm and even inferiority. I have read a sentence by Zhang Ailing: If you like someone, humble yourself to the dust and then bloom. I gradually realized that I fell in love with Gu Yuan, and this love can only be more and more every day. I am always speechless about his concern. I can't face such a wonderful experience. Every day can only be wrapped in bad emotions. I think about myself at that time. I am really weak, and I don't even have the courage to face it.
Like a person is like this, I have been guessing, and I am not sure about Gu Yuan's mind. I just can't help it. Now that I think about it, I think a lot about how complicated Gu Yuan really is.
Life is a stranger.
The college entrance examination is coming, and Gu Yuan will slip me a note with warm words after class every night. I still remember one sentence clearly: you are the hope I can see as soon as I close my eyes. The moment I saw this sentence, a warm current came to my mind. He used to get average grades and was not very motivated. Now, I can see his efforts. I can see him reciting English words and trying to do math problems. I will always remember his earnest and careful appearance. I know he wants to match me.
Later, he gave me a letter. In the evening, I read it many times over and over again, wondering if he was silently typing countless drafts when he wrote this letter. The letter is my long-awaited confession. At that time, we had to say a sweet word countless times before we dared to speak. In this way, we both know each other very well, but I am at a loss. At that time, I didn't have the concept of promise or disapproval, but I just replied a long letter, which was irrelevant and didn't convey the meaning.
Later, we graduated. I was admitted to a good university, but Gu Yuan chose to repeat it. We went from occasional contact to no contact, as if we had an appointment tacitly. The little parting of youth seems to be a big parting, and the real parting, we didn't even say goodbye.
Once when I was having dinner with my friends in the canteen, I saw a person who looked like Gu Yuan. I knew it wasn't him, but I still felt at a loss. My heart is already in a state of panic, thinking about avoiding and fleeing. And the past has turned a page and spread out a little bit. Sweet is also painful, and bitter is also painful.
Since then, I have never seen Gu Yuan again, and I have never had the courage to meet him. Later, I learned that he was admitted to a good university and had a girlfriend. I feel sick, but it seems that I have no right to judge. I know that if he doesn't have a girlfriend, if we meet again, we all know that we can't go back to that youth, and so can we.
When I came to my senses, the coffee was cold, the snow was still falling, and there were mottled footprints on the road. I came out of the cafe, wrapped my coat tightly and stepped into the vast night and snow. The man who is similar to Gu Yuan has already left. There will always be too many parting and regrets in life. Nothing lasts forever. We will eventually fade away in other people's memories, but the most sad part will be forgotten. People sometimes make a sad ending before they start, leaving no room for each other.
The time spent with Gu Yuan can only be a colorful trace left in youth. If no one asked, I would never take the initiative.