"Why do you treat him (her) better! It's not fair! Do you feel familiar with such complaints? The competition between brothers and sisters has always been a headache for parents. If one is not careful, a little careless, it may also lead to psychological anxiety or the risk of behavior degradation to the oral stage. How to correctly handle sibling disputes, besides fairness, don't ignore children's voices. Consultant: Wang, a parent-child parenting writer, CEO of Jingjuan Children's Safety Culture and Education Foundation, and Jiang Lide, a young psychologist in Songde Campus of Taipei United Hospital. If you have cars, cars, savings and other property, would you like to give half to your brothers and sisters? When you are in doubt, the answer is actually ready. Even adults can't do things, let alone children. " Competition between brothers and sisters is an inevitable phenomenon because there is a relationship of competition and cooperation between brothers and sisters. Therefore, in the face of competition for favor, parents should not think about how to eliminate it, but should think about how brothers and sisters can actively grow up with each other in the process of socialization. Jiang Lide, an adolescent psychotherapist at Songde Branch of Taipei United Hospital, said. The boss fell out of favor and cried and lost his temper. In the process of having a second child, Qinglan's mother kept instilling in her sister that she would have a younger brother to accompany her, but when the younger brother was born, she found that as long as the younger brother cried, her mother would keep everything at hand, including playing puzzles or telling stories with her. Over time, her dissatisfaction accumulated like a pressure cooker. After all, she broke out once and slammed the door and complained loudly that her mother didn't have time to accompany her, which made her dumbfounded. Qinglan's mother said, "My sister and brother will have a bad relationship because of the rivalry for favor. Once, in order to grab the remote control to watch cartoons, they even got into a ball. This kind of competition has bothered me for a long time. The boss who once pampered 3000 people often had a psychological shock because of the registration of new members, and felt that his parents deprived his younger brothers and sisters of their love. In order to show his dissatisfaction with "falling out of favor", the child will lose his temper, often cry, and even bully his younger brother and sister. Dr. Jiang Lide pointed out that when children think that their parents' attention is diverted, they will have the behavior of competing for favor. Uneven care and abandonment have caused many problems for children to compete for favor, among which one of the main reasons that most often touches children's "sensitive mines" is "uneven time distribution". Parents will inevitably give different care and time to children of different ages and personalities. In particular, children who need to be taken care of are more concerned by their parents, thus "ignoring" another sibling. Wang, a well-known parent-child parenting writer, once spent a lot of energy on her husband because his boss was lively and outgoing, while the second child with excellent grades did not need to worry about losing his parents' caring eyes, so he once spoke to his mother, "Because of his good grades, I focused on my younger brother." This also made Wang wary: "The trouble of competing for favor will not disappear with age, and even if he goes to college, he will still be jealous." Lin Yueqin, CEO of Jingjuan Culture and Education Foundation, said that weaker children usually get more care from their parents. In the eyes of other children, there will be a kind of "abandonment" worry. Parents should know how to interpret their children's emotions in time. "If a child is sick, it usually attracts more attention from parents. Other children will feel that they can't get the attention, and even make themselves sick to get their parents' attention. Neglect, not to mention deviant behavior, I once came into contact with a case in which my brother in primary school poured soy sauce on his brother's cloth shoes on the eve of his brother's sports meeting, which made the whole family jump up, and the naughty brother came to the end. Wang, a parent-child writer, said that the incident of "pouring soy sauce" at first glance was a revenge mentality of my brother's failure to compete for favor. In fact, the root cause is that my brother couldn't help his brother solve the math problem because of his homework the night before. His brother complained and made his unreasonable mother scold the boss, and the soy sauce was poured the next day. This reflects that in double-income families, parents often neglect to calm down and understand their children's mentality because of their busy work, so as to compete for favor. Being busy with work is often used by many families as an excuse to ignore children's competition. However, long-term neglect of children's psychological feelings will do great harm to their body and mind. Lin Yueqin, executive director of Jingjuan Culture and Education Foundation, said that brothers and sisters would degenerate into the oral cavity in order to compete for goodwill, resulting in a retrogressive tendency of suddenly wetting the bed and drinking bottle milk. An unsuspecting mother will also blame her child for not being sensible. In fact, this is just a manifestation of children seeking parental care and competition. Jiang Lide, an adolescent psychiatrist at United Hospital, defines it as the simplest: "If you ask your brothers and sisters to do the same thing, but praise only one person, it will lead to competition for favor! Jiang Lide said that parents ignore their children's thoughts and don't take rivalry seriously. Over time, if the circumstances are serious, children will feel anxious and lost. Finally, they must seek help from family counseling or the adolescent psychology department of the hospital. "When they were taken to the hospital, the circumstances were already very serious, including violent deviation, which would lead to injuries. I once met a case where twin sisters were jealous because of their good behavior, and they would take this as an example. Learning to share is better than showing fairness. I want to play with this toy! Not for you! " He Zi, an eight-year-old sister, and Zigan, a six-year-old sister, often have toy fights at home, which makes Xiaohui's mother exhausted. Especially after my sister got a new toy, it touched her sensitive nerves, and a drama of mutual abuse and even fighting was staged. Xiaohui's mother repeatedly advised her not to listen, so she had to be punished on both sides, and no one was allowed to fight. The same thing happened in Xuan Ming's mother's house. As long as she calls home, the two brothers must take turns to answer the phone. If one of them is neglected, it will be a surprise to go home. Many parents will try to deal with children's rivalry with a "fair" attitude. It is right to start, but what parents should consider is whether the "superficial" fairness is really the child's inner cognition. "Even if they are twins, their ideas are not necessarily the same. The apparent fairness of parents is different from the inner thoughts of children. The same is to send clothes. Are you sure that all brothers and sisters love clothes the same? Dr. Jiang Lide raised such a question. He suggested that parents should observe more, understand their children's interests and meet different needs. Wang also believes that it is not easy for parents to be absolutely fair. After all, children will have different ideas because of personality differences. Therefore, she suggested that parents should not only strive to be fair, but also have the concept of "sharing". "Brothers and sisters will inevitably take over the old things of brothers and sisters when they grow up. Adults should teach children the concepts of "cherishing" and "sharing", cherish the old and let brothers learn to share, which can promote mutual friendship. " Encouraging comity does not have to be big or small. "Big must be small? It's bad luck to be the boss. I don't agree! Many families have a deep-rooted concept that older children should be polite to children and not care too much. Wang disagreed with the idea. She believes that comity is a virtue, but it should not be divided by age. " As far as playing with toys is concerned, you can praise or encourage the courteous party and make children feel that courtesy is a good habit. If they still insist on their opinions, they can use guessing or rewarding. Lin Yueqin, CEO of Jingjuan Culture and Education Foundation, also disagrees with the traditional concept of "let the small become the big one", but she has another view on what role parents should play when arguing with their children. Lin Yueqin said, "The dispute between brothers and sisters is not necessarily a bad thing, because children can practice the socialization process of learning to coordinate, communicate and even cooperate. Unless the circumstances are serious, it is also a good idea for parents not to interfere. Don't spend more time listening to the competition between brothers and sisters. It's not uncommon, and the plot is varied. If we can't completely "eliminate" the drama of confrontation, how can we minimize the degree of confrontation? Wang, a parent-child parenting writer, believes that parents should have a basic parenting attitude of "no comparison" and "no care". She believes that if brothers and sisters are not allowed to compare, parents will not have differences, and even children will not feel insecure. In addition, parents should learn not to haggle over everything, because children have sensitive hearts. As long as it is impetuous, parents may say it is unintentional, but it has already cast a stone in the child's heart, causing ripples. As for Lin Yueqin, he reminded his parents that if they have more than two children, they must know how to allocate time to "accompany them to travel alone", because this gives parents a chance to get along alone, and children will talk to their parents when they face problems and have disputes with their brothers and sisters, without worrying about their own face. "If the children are older, I also suggest that parents and children play role-playing games to let the children understand their requirements. Treating men and women's love for each other separately, Dr. Jiang Lide suggested that parents should avoid the problem of their children's competitiveness and try to be "fair" as the most basic principle. Fairness alone is not enough. We must always face to face and communicate diligently, so that children can know what their parents are thinking. Dr. Jiang Lide said, "If a child quarrels over a man and a woman, it is suggested that the father deal with the boy and the mother deal with the girl, because empathy is closer to the child's mood. Children's rivalry for favor is a topic that will never be passed down. It tests parents' emotions and handling ability, dares to communicate and is willing to spend time with them. There is no shortcut to harmony between brothers and sisters, only family care. ★ Triggered a countermeasure fuse 1. I was distracted. Because of the arrival of family center members, the original children were taken care of by 100%, and their parents distributed their love to other brothers and sisters, which caused opposition. 2. Uneven time allocation. Brothers and sisters spend more time with their parents, or "naughty" brothers and sisters get more attention, but tend to ignore other children. 3. Lack of identity. Parents often praise one of their brothers and sisters to make other children feel ashamed ★ Tips! 9 strokes to avoid competing for pets Parents should take fairness as the starting point. Although children's cognition is not the same as parents', parents can constantly inform their children through communication. It's unfair to give the same thing like brothers. Parents should give according to their children's preferences, not seemingly fair. When new family members are about to report for duty, it is very important to inform them in advance so as not to make children feel neglected. Exclusive privileges for children and parents. When brothers and sisters have some time to spend with their parents, children will be more likely to report problems to their parents. If the brothers and sisters are a man and a woman, it is suggested that the father face the son and the mother face the daughter, so that the same sex can have empathy. The traditional concept of "making small bigger" may not be correct. Parents can try to instill the concept of politeness in both sides through praise. Let the older ones take care of the younger ones, let the older brothers or sisters help their parents more, and then let the younger brothers and sisters cherish the old and share the new. Brothers and sisters will inevitably receive things left by their brothers and sisters. Parents should teach their children the concepts of "cherishing" and "knowing how to share", which can enhance brotherhood. Try to let children make rules of the game and solve problems in disputes. Parents should not interfere at will, because children may not agree.