After reading "How to say that children can listen, how to listen to children before they can talk" 1 Winter goes and spring comes, and camellias on the balcony bloom as scheduled. But it is a pity that the flower is not as good as in previous years, and the color, shape, size and quantity of flowers are not satisfactory. This may be the reason why I neglected management and watered too little a while ago. Looking at some flowers that wither before they bloom, I can't help feeling: isn't raising children the same as raising flowers? In the process of children's growth, you didn't care, didn't pay, and didn't give him the nutrition he needed to grow up. Will children be physically and mentally healthy when they grow up?
The book How to Say Children Will Listen is easy to understand and easy to operate. In the process of reading this book, I gained a lot and realized a lot. At the same time, I regret and blame myself, because in the process of getting along with my children, I made many mistakes that other parents often make in books. For the healthy growth of my children, I decided to get rid of my bad habits and communicate with my children in an effective and pleasant way. If you don't respect their feelings, in daily life, you should listen to your children's voices patiently and sing with them, which will help solve the problem. No matter what happens, we should respect the child's feelings, understand his feelings and understand his feelings. The expression of disgust, the attitude of disdain and the language of reprimand can all hurt children's immature hearts and turn them against us. That child will always be our sweet burden and our invincible opponent. As parents, we should pay attention to what we say and do in front of our children, less blame, more encouragement, less demands, more tolerance, less reprimand, more praise, and refuse invalid punishment and violence. Only in this way can we enter the inner world of children and establish a good parent-child relationship with them. In addition, this book has a series of practical and effective methods to guide us to establish a platform for happy communication with children, which is very practical and effective. I believe that through continuous practice and continuous efforts, our children and we will make progress, so let time witness it!
A child's heart is a magical land. If we sow thoughts, we will reap behaviors; if we sow behaviors, we will reap habits; if we sow habits, we will reap morality; if we sow morality, we will reap fate. As parents of sowers, we have no reason or excuse to shirk the responsibilities and obligations of parents, because no matter how successful you are in other aspects, you can't make up for the lack of children's education.
Looking forward to our promotion, looking forward to the progress of our children, and looking forward to more gorgeous camellias in the coming year!
How to say that children will listen, and how to listen to children to talk? Part II: During the summer vacation, teachers carried out the activities of reading good books. Every teacher reads 2 ~ 3 books on education and teaching. I also like to buy books and read books, which are very miscellaneous. Books are the spiritual food of human beings. How to tell a child how to listen before he speaks is an article by Adel Faber and Elaine Metzlich, internationally renowned American experts in parent-child communication. There are seven chapters, which mainly introduce how to educate children, children's performance, parents' ideas and practices, raise many questions and list many effective educational methods. What impressed me the most was the fourth chapter "How to encourage children to be independent". The education and teaching of the only child has become an important issue. A child is a unique individual with a unique personality, hobbies, feelings, wishes and dreams. So, how can we help children become a unique and independent person? The author's answer is yes: children should be allowed to do things by themselves, try to solve their own problems and learn from their own mistakes.
Easier said than done! One of the important goals of parents is to help their children leave us and become independent individuals, so that they can stand proudly in the world by their own strength one day, but the actual parents and teachers have not effectively trained them, on the contrary. What impressed me most was that most of the students in a class are now in the fourth grade. At that time, when they were in the second grade, a boy went to physical education class and his shoelaces were loose. He asked me to help him tie it. I asked the class who could help him. Few people raised their hands, which caught my attention. In my spare time, I deliberately chat with my children and ask them who can wash dishes, wash vegetables and shine shoes ... Most children say no, I think: these have been arranged by their parents, grandmothers and grandfathers. Besides, our teacher also has many examples that make children feel uneasy. I think our parents and teachers should create more opportunities for children to exercise, help them and guide them.
Autonomy: refers to the independence and initiative of people in activities, which is manifested as a state in which individuals control their words and deeds freely and independently. The child's autonomy is mainly reflected in his ability to make free choices about his own behavior.
First, give the child space and let him go forward by himself.
Of course, a baby likes living in his mother's arms, but he can't live like this forever. There is such a mother whose child is in the second grade of primary school. She had to carry him to school with difficulty, until it was dozens of meters away from school, and she reluctantly put the child down for fear that the teacher would see ... how could she talk about her autonomy? As parents, we should expand the space for children's free activities according to their own characteristics and abilities, such as encouraging children to find friends to play and let them be their own masters in this space.
Second, give the child time to make his own arrangements.
Many teachers and parents think that children are too young to arrange their own activities. However, if adults completely arrange children's schedules and children only implement them, then children's autonomy will never be cultivated. There is a father who gives his children a free time every day when they are over 3 years old. As long as there is no danger, children can arrange what they want to do: play, watch TV, draw pictures, do puzzles, or do nothing ... bored, he will eventually take the initiative to find his parents, who will give them some guiding suggestions. In the long run, children will gradually learn to cherish time and learn to arrange time.
Third, give the child conditions and let him exercise by himself.
Cultivating children by pulling out the seedlings to encourage them will inevitably fail, which violates the objective law, but adopting a negative and completely "let nature take its course" attitude is also not conducive to children's growth. Follow objective laws and actively create conditions for children to exercise. This is the right way for us to go. A mother saw her 5-year-old child interested in washing dishes and prepared a small bench for her child. She said to the child, "I know you love your work and want to do the dishes yourself, but the faucet is too high for you to reach, and her mother has prepared a small bench for you ..." The child shouted excitedly, "Thank you, Mom!" Get on the bench at once and learn to wash dishes happily like an adult.
Fourth, ask the child questions and let him find the answers by himself.
When a child asks a question, the usual practice is to tell him the answer at once. This seems simple and easy, but when such children grow up, they will not think about problems and always hope that others can provide ready-made answers. This directly hinders children's autonomy in intellectual labor. A parent's successful experience is: the child asks me something. Although I knew them, I didn't tell him, but asked him to look them up in the dictionary. In the future, if there are words he doesn't know, he won't ask me, but look them up in the dictionary himself.
5. Give the child difficulties and let him solve them by himself.
As the saying goes, "the children of poor families take charge early", and the harsh living environment naturally prepares the conditions for hard exercise for the children of poor families; Now that the standard of living has generally improved, parents should try their best to set some difficulties for their children to solve; When a child encounters difficulties in life, he is also required to solve them by himself, thus cultivating his ability and will to cope with the future.
Sixth, give the child a chance and let him seize it himself.
People will encounter many opportunities in their life, but if they are not good at grasping them, they will pass you by. The task of parents should be to provide or point out various opportunities, inspire children to seize opportunities themselves, and cultivate their ability to seize opportunities and participate in fair competition.
A pupil inadvertently told his mother that the school would hold an English audition. Her mother encouraged children with good English scores to try to participate and told her that it was a rare opportunity. Seizing the opportunity means taking a step on the road to success. The result of this competition is an important reference factor when primary school is promoted to junior high school. The child is very grateful to his mother for reminding him and will actively express himself in various opportunities in the future.
Seven, give the child conflict and let him solve it himself.
Children, like adults, are bound to have contradictions together. The process of conflict resolution is the process of children's healthy growth and maturity. When children tell teachers and parents about their own contradictions, such as interpersonal communication, teachers and parents should encourage children to face them and guide them to solve them themselves, rather than avoiding them, and parents should not be allowed to solve problems instead of children.
Eight, give the child an opponent and let him compete by himself.
In order to improve children's ability to adapt to society, children should learn to cooperate and compete from an early age. The effective way is to always set up a friendly competitor around him.
There is a poor student, at a certain stage, he actually became the last in the class. Teachers and parents have repeatedly encouraged children not to lose heart, to dare to compete with others, first of all, to compare with children who are slightly better than themselves. As long as they work hard, there is no problem in catching up with him. After the child won, teachers and parents encouraged him to find new competitors and start a new round of secret competition. ...
Nine, give children the right to choose.
The most obvious manifestation of a child's autonomy is his independent choice. However, many teachers and parents are afraid that their children will make mistakes and never give them the right to choose. It is impossible for such children to adapt to the competitive social life when they grow up. Teachers and parents should take the initiative to give their children the right to choose and tell them to be responsible for their choices.
A parent took his child to the Children's Palace to register. The parents' original intention was to let their children learn the piano, but she found that she could see the spirit at the gate of the dance troupe. Therefore, parents respect their children's choices and ask her to be responsible for their own choices. They must persist in one stage to learn dance well.
Give your child a topic and let him create it himself.
Creation is the highest level of autonomy. Children's creativity is not innate, but also needs the active guidance and ingenious stimulation of teachers and parents. There is a child who loves to play with mud and can do some tricks. So the teacher told the parents that the parents took the initiative to buy all kinds of clay sculptures and plasticine for their children and said to them, "If you want to play, you should study hard, pinch well, practice hard and be innovative." With the encouragement of parents, children give full play to their talents. When they graduate from junior high school, they can easily create vivid and vivid characters and enter arts and crafts schools with this major.
The creation of these conditions is conducive to the development of children's autonomy. In the concrete practice process, teachers and parents should continue to have good and beneficial communication with their children, encourage them, evaluate their achievements and put forward new tasks, so that their progress will never stop.
After reading how to say that children can listen and how to listen to children can talk, I happened to see my colleagues reading the book how to say that children can listen and how to listen to children before they can talk. I also borrowed it. From the introduction of the preface, I know that this is a magical book that combines love and communication skills. This is a book with the largest cumulative sales volume among American family education books. This is a book with magical charm. These comments aroused my interest in reading. It was written by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, two internationally renowned experts in parent-child communication in the United States. The book is divided into seven chapters: helping children face their own feelings, encouraging children to cooperate with us, alternative ways of punishment, encouraging children to stand on their own feet, learning to appreciate children, and letting children release from their roles and understand.
After careful reading, this book gives me the feeling that it is real and practical. As a young teacher, although I am not a parent, as a teacher, I really feel the effect after reading a book. A vivid and real case, a golden key to good communication with children, let me deeply feel the magical charm of a kind word and marvel at the artistry of the language. This book is like giving me the key to open the inner world of students, guiding me to feel the inner feelings of students personally, thinking about children's world from the perspective of students, and making me think about how to communicate with children effectively.
Just took over the first grade this year. As a first-grade teacher, I deal with children every day. The communication skills in this article are also very enlightening to us. The book uses a lot of pictures to illustrate some teachers' unconscious bad habits, and also teaches us many good ways to deal with them so that students can accept them. Looking through the comics in the book, I can't help but sigh: I have done it like a teacher/parent in the book. One of the cartoons said that the child said, "When I grow up, I want to be an engineer." Parents said, "As far as your math scores are concerned, forget it." The cartoon suggests: "Don't ruin children's hopes, protect their hopes, dreams and efforts to realize their dreams." Yes, I quite agree with this view. The future is full of uncertainty. No matter how possible, we should protect our children's dreams. Many cases and every detail in the book are what we see in our life. It's like teaching us how to interact with children step by step in life. The middle part of the chapter is accompanied by cartoons. The left column in the cartoon points out some wrong practices and counterexamples, and the right side puts forward some suggestions.
After reading the whole book, what impressed me the most is that in the process of communication with children, the greatest communication skill is to pay attention to our attitude and set a good example for students/children. If we don't do a good demonstration ourselves, we don't really like children. No matter what we say, we want to manipulate and demand in the eyes of children. Only by putting yourself in the child's heart and understanding from their point of view will you touch the child's heart.
This book mentions four skills to help children face their feelings. I think that in our education and teaching, if we can listen to students well and have feelings with them, it will help students solve their own problems. This reminds me of something that happened in my class this semester: a Chinese class, and I was marking papers for my classmates. There is a connecting topic that children didn't touch in the past. Many students make mistakes, and the children who make mistakes are also confused. At that time, I suggested to my children: "Students, if this question is deducted, even if it is wrong, it should be erased completely and repeated according to the teacher's method." The deskmate can help clean up without delaying class time. "A neat and enthusiastic child helped her deskmate clean it all up. The child is unhappy and thinks that there is something wrong with me. How can I wipe it? In fact, I didn't hear anything. The child didn't respond to me in class. He went home and told his mother about it. Then I learned the situation. I talked to two children separately and didn't criticize either side. On the contrary, I look at the problem from their perspective. The children accepted it and shook hands. I think, no matter what happens, we should respect students as adults, change their feelings and understand their feelings. Students are more likely to communicate with an adult who accepts their feelings, rather than forcing them to explain, which may lead to practical explanations in the minds of non-children Students don't need us to identify with their feelings, but need us to respond and understand their feelings. Teachers' disgusted eyes and contemptuous intonation can deeply hurt students, and language is also lethal and time-continuous. Therefore, as a teacher, we should pay great attention to what we say and do to our children, and pay attention to our role model, which will affect our students. In the usual educational work and communication with students, if each of our teachers can use some communication skills in the book, they can not only deal with problems well, but also play a role in educating students, which will get twice the result with half the effort.
Teachers are advised to read this book when they have time. I believe this book will provide some support for our teachers, let us use the language of love and encouragement to discipline students, grow up with students, and let us use various positive countermeasures to deal with students' setbacks. As teachers, we are human beings. We can't always ask ourselves to make an accurate judgment on other people's feelings, but we can try our best to understand students' feelings, especially for the first-grade children, listen to their thoughts calmly, squat down and listen, and then take appropriate measures to educate them.
I think the communication between people is an art, and the communication between adults and children is even more an art. As parents or teachers, besides communicating with children, they should be good at summing up. As teachers, we should explore and understand children's personality. According to children's different personalities, you should know which ways are acceptable, helpful, not, irritating, comforting, and behaviors that children can't condone ... Nothing can replace your own personal experience. We always want to give our children a blue sky, but there are always clouds in our hearts. We are helpless when we meet some special children. We might as well read more books in our spare time after supper. Reading the book "How to say that children can listen and how to listen to children can talk" will slowly dilute your emotions and broaden your thinking. This book is suitable for slow reading and experience. I savor and ponder carefully in reading, and I will study slowly in my future work, actively try and think, and constantly explore how to educate and cultivate children's personality.
After reading it, how to say that children will listen, and how to listen to children? When I opened this book, I felt so stupid that I didn't know the importance and characteristics of educating children. I once blindly forced my ideas on him, but I didn't know how to give my children a good start. I know my child has some problems. How can I solve them? When I saw how to speak before my child listened to me, I realized that there were many problems in my communication with my child. Without good communication, no matter how good you speak, you won't listen to your children. A series of wrong ways and means of parenting education listed in the book are almost my copies. I am a kindergarten teacher, what a shame! How can I communicate well with my children? How to say that children can listen?
We should learn to listen and identify with children's feelings. When he feels that he is understood and accepted, there will be no arguments and scolding in the parent-child conversation, and many things will be told to make you know your child better. If the child's feelings are denied, he will feel that you don't understand him, have nothing to say to you, and doubt whether his feelings are correct. Children hate scolding, ordering, preaching, warning, comparison and so on. If something goes wrong, we should teach our children how to remedy it instead of complaining, which will not help them, but will make them worry. Say what you did wrong, don't tell all the past. Encourage your child to be independent, and don't help him do everything well, so he will never grow up. Children should praise him more at ordinary times. Hearing these praises, he will be more confident to move forward, and his colleagues and children will feel that their efforts have not been in vain.
The methods and skills listed in the book are very practical and can be used at any time in daily life. The most important thing is that parents should change their attitudes and views on their children. If they look at their children with appreciation, they will find more and more advantages. If they don't appreciate looking at him with accusations, complaints and comparisons, they will dig more and more disadvantages. The hardest thing is the change of parents. Habitual language and mentality will make us relapse when we are angry, and vent our grievances and dissatisfaction with our children in the most hurtful language.
After reading "How to say that children will listen and how to listen to children will talk" 5 During this time, my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter has a bad temper and always cries. At this time, the comfort and appeasement of adults can't relieve her mood at all. On the contrary, she cried louder and louder and even pulled my clothes and hair. At that time, I was so helpless, angry and anxious that I even cried myself. I don't know how to make it clear to this little guy that she should take my advice and stop crying.
It was an anxious time. I accidentally saw the book "How to tell children how to listen before listening" co-authored by Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlisch recommended by others in the circle of friends, and read it like a savior. Reading and reading, my inner soft side began to be gradually opened, and my own dribs and drabs of education for children emerged in my mind. Compared with the reality in the book, I found and examined some of my incorrect practices, and gradually saw a small world that could not be measured by adult thinking.
"How to say that children will listen, how to listen to children will say" is a treasure book of parent-child communication. It guides us how to respect, accept and understand children and establish close parent-child relationship when we are worried, tired, anxious and depressed.
Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlisch discussed and practiced from six aspects:
1 to help children face their feelings; 2. Encourage children to cooperate with us; 3. Alternative punishment methods; 4. Encourage children to stand on their own feet; 5. Appreciate children properly; 6. Free the child from the role.
In addition, the author provides 30 practical parent-child communication skills, analyzes them through detailed real cases, and provides readers with a large number of simulated scenario exercises, thus combining theory with practice for guidance.
By reading the six principles and thirty skills of this book, I summarized three main points of parent-child communication according to my own understanding.
0 1, bend over to look after the children.
As parents, they all love their children, but in daily life, it is difficult for parents to be "equal" with their children. In addition to maintaining the necessary authority of parents, more parents just regard their children as an independent individual. Although we can take good care of children, high concern in the name of "love" will make children bored. Read such a story to the effect that:
A mother likes to go shopping hand in hand with her three-year-old child, but she is not happy every time. Mother is puzzled. It is much more lively and interesting outside than at home. Why do children cry and make trouble instead? Once, the child cried again. When the mother crouched down helplessly and pulled the child rolling on the ground up, she found that he could not see the world of flowers at all, only caught a glimpse of passers-by' s calves and shoes. At this time, the mother quickly picked up the child and wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes with deep affection and regret. ...
Therefore, all the children's unhappy, wronged and unreasonable performances are an emotional expression they feel from their own perspective. If parents can kneel down and look at the problem from the child's point of view, they may be able to better understand the child's behavior, respect the child's choice, and then effectively educate the child.
"Squatting down to look at the child" means treating the child as an equal individual, which is love based on respect. This is the premise of all the principles and techniques used in this book.
02. Learn to listen and accept all the emotions of children.
Parents talk a lot when educating their children, but few are good at listening. On many occasions, what we see is parents' sincere comfort or reprimand, but the children don't listen at all, and even attract more fierce resistance.
In order for children to listen, parents should first "listen" to what their children say. The author of this book points out that when children's unpleasant feelings are denied or ignored, they usually become more sad. Sometimes, just listening to them will have an effect; When children do something wrong, parents should do it with them. The first step in solving problems together is to listen to and accept children's emotions.
My daughter often says things that we don't understand. Once, she told me something. At this time, I picked up a phone call. When she saw her mother go out to answer the phone, she burst into tears. I cried my eyes out when I came back, but I couldn't coax it, and I also attracted a group of kind neighbors to see things. Neighbors saw it and came up with their own parenting tricks for many years, but they couldn't surrender her. As a result, her daughter's name "Wulajing" (which means the child cries well in Ningbo dialect) has spread all over the neighborhood since then.
In fact, she is really wronged. She is only two and a half years old. When she organized a language with her current cognitive level and logic and told her mother, her mother casually ran out of the room to answer the phone. At that time, she obviously could not feel her mother's sincerity and felt lost and wronged, but she had not learned to express this emotion in words, and she could only vent and express her dissatisfaction with her mother by crying.
For my daughter's frequent crying behavior, I always thought that the child had a bad temper and never thought about the parents' own problems. In fact, we adults will not only answer the phone when she is talking, but also respond casually and misunderstand her meaning, and sometimes even interrupt her frequently. These behaviors are behaviors that we don't respect children and are not good at listening and responding to their feelings.
Parent-child communication is two-way. Parents can't just instill their thoughts into their children, but need to learn to listen to their children's voices and accept all their emotions. When children feel that they are treated equally, respected and released their emotions, they will accept their parents' suggestions and education frankly.
03, the child's behavior, need specific description.
Whether praising or criticizing children, we adults can easily make several mistakes:
1, vague evaluation tone
"You are great, son", "Perfect", "You are so smart" ... "You are too selfish" and "You are too naughty" ...
Step 2 mark
"Procrastinator", "girl who doesn't like to call people" and "coward" ...
These words are often spoken from our huge population. We will also find that even if we praise children's good behavior, they are still ungrateful; No matter how severely criticized, they didn't realize where the problem was. Labeling children was originally intended to warn them, but it turned out to be a negative "expectation".
A physical education student in the class often doesn't hand in his homework, but he says a few empty words in class. In fact, his grades are not bad. Teachers in all classes often criticize him, "WJH, you are too lazy". After the exam, you will say, "If your brain is not smart, your attitude will fail." . He also has a famous name "Wang Lazy" in his class. Therefore, this year, Mr. Wang has indeed become a "lazy king."
When the teacher criticized him, he used a tone of vague evaluation, and his classmates also labeled him as "lazy". Over the past year, he has never changed, and even become lazier. This is a case of one of my students at school, and there will be similar scenes in my family.
In the book, the author puts forward the viewpoint of "how to appreciate children properly": you can describe what you see or how you feel. "Descriptive appreciation" is a powerful magic weapon to cultivate children's confidence and love. Although the author expounds his views from the perspective of "appreciation", it can also be applied to the evaluation of children's wrong behavior in real life.
As teachers, we should all reflect on how to evaluate a student better. As parents, we should also reflect on how to evaluate our children better.
The truly effective evaluation is that the old man objectively describes the child's behavior at that time and describes his feelings now without prejudice. Only when children understand that parents and other adults are practical, appreciate them sincerely and point out their mistakes sincerely will children accept our kindness.
Generally speaking, "How to say that children will listen, how to say that children will listen" is a reference and practical parenting book. In this thin little book, the author summarizes the years of thinking and practical experience of the two authors. They help us learn some new ways to communicate with children; Encourage us to stick to the methods and skills we have learned when we are tired, angry, upset and depressed. Therefore, when you encounter communication obstacles in parenting, you can try to pick up this book and turn it over. Maybe you can get some enlightenment from it.