There is no doubt that children need encouragement when they grow up.

However, encouraging children does not mean blindly and indiscriminately praising children, let alone saying "You are great!" "You are so clever, son!" The way to praise children.

Then, go back to the question in the topic: "How to praise children in peacetime is better?"

Many parents take it for granted that we praise children's beauty, unique personality, intelligence and talent, which will encourage them to build self-confidence and self-esteem.

There is an American psychologist named Carol S. Dweck, a professor at Stanford University in the United States, and the winner of the largest single award in the global education field, "One Dan Education Research Award".

Carol Dwek's breakthrough research aims to explore the power of "growth mentality".

Carol Dwek found through long-term observation and research:

Those who are not specific, only pay attention to ability and praise too much are often counterproductive, which is not only not conducive to children's self-confidence and healthy self-esteem, but will lead to unhealthy thinking patterns.

Carol Dwek called this unhealthy thinking mode "rigid thinking".

If children develop a "rigid mode of thinking", then such children usually show reluctance to try new methods and take risks, because they are afraid of "making a fool of themselves" and losing the "unique and talented social status" that their parents have always admired.

So, how can we praise children to make them grow up healthily and confidently?

Carol Dwek's research found a completely different way for parents to praise their children.

This completely different way of praise has the following characteristics:

First, face and accept the fact that "every child has different IQ and ability because of different genes and growth environment".

Second, although each child's IQ and ability are different, they are all plastic.

Third, parents tell and guide their children to accept the fact that "everyone's IQ and ability are different", praise their efforts and perseverance, and let them realize that their talents and abilities can be improved through their own efforts.

Carol Dwek called this mode of thinking "growth thinking".

Children with "growth thinking" will be encouraged and understood by their parents' appropriate praise: it is not necessary to think that everyone's IQ and ability are the same.

But they believe that as long as they keep working hard, everyone will become smarter and more capable than before.

Such children with "growth thinking" are not afraid of trying new things, making a fool of themselves and failing.

On the contrary, they will regard "failure" as a part of the process of learning and growth, and even the smallest progress and success they make every time is directly and closely related to their efforts and persistence.

Psychologist Carol Dwek's "rigid thinking" and "growth thinking" make our parents better understand: What kind of praise is right for our children? And what kind of praise is wrong or even counterproductive?

Obviously, those praise methods that can promote children to form "growth thinking" are correct.

Above all, praise should be specific.

Wise parents seldom say, "You are so smart!" When praising children. "Well done!" .

Because "you are so smart!" This kind of praise focuses on the child's innate IQ and ability, rather than the child's specific behavior.

As the saying goes: there are people outside, and there are days behind.

If the child has been praised as "you are really smart" and "your ability in a certain aspect is really too strong", what if one day you meet someone smarter and more capable than him? Children naturally dare not express themselves, fearing "making a fool of themselves" and "failure", thus easily forming "rigid thinking" and constraining their development.

Another word of praise is "well done", which we often hear, and it is also a typical example of unspecific praise.

Perhaps some parents will question: "I praise my children for' doing well'. Is this a sentence full of positive energy? "

It is undeniable that the sentence "well done" is indeed full of positive energy, but this sentence does not tell children that they are doing well in order to get such praise.

If parents praise their children with positive energy and encouragement such as "well done" all day, then the children can't tell which behaviors are praised by their parents, and the children don't know which behaviors are really encouraged and deserve persistence.

To sum up, "How to praise children in peacetime is better?" The answer to the question is clear: it is best for our parents to praise their children in a way that helps them form "growth thinking"

Praise children in a way that helps them form "growth thinking", and be sure to avoid saying "well done" that is not specific.

Unless you say "well done", you can also say what the child did well.

When praising children at ordinary times, we should also avoid praising children based on their IQ and ability. The specific words are: "You are really smart", "You are really talented" and "You are really capable in some way".

For example, if the child shows us the report card after the exam, we should not say "well done" as soon as we see that the child's exam results are good.

We can take a closer look at the child's report card and see which courses he has made more efforts to get good grades. We can focus on praising children's achievements because their efforts make parents feel happy and proud.

At the same time, compared with the report card, you can point out to your child what is unsatisfactory about his current achievements, and you can analyze what problems exist together through communication with your child; Discuss with your child what changes can be made in the next study, such as whether to pay more time and energy to improve the study of those dissatisfied courses.

In short, when parents praise their children, they should pay more attention to what they have done well, especially the specific content and behavior, and praise them sincerely in time.

In addition to verbal praise, it would be better if parents can express their affirmation of their children's good behavior through physical contact, such as hugging.

Children will repeat their good and positive behaviors more when their parents are full of love and encouragement, and it is also more conducive to forming a "growth thinking" that will benefit them for life.

Encourage children to show quality in the process of doing things, such as being brave ~ not discouraged ~ persisting ~ working hard.

Nowadays, parents like to use praise to cultivate their children's self-confidence. As children grow up, once compared with other children, they are not so good, which will make children feel inferior. So how do parents praise their children scientifically?

First, praise specific things.

Children can be praised for their progress. For example, children used to play with toys. Today, he cleaned up. Mother can praise his behavior. Children are praised for specific things and will do better next time.

Second, sincere praise.

Praise your children from the heart. Parents should not think that their children are still young. In fact, children can feel everything from your tone and actions.

Third, behave in front of outsiders.

Parents can praise their children when they visit guests at home, or when they talk to distant relatives on the phone. This kind of praise in front of a third party makes children feel more real.

"Good children are boasted!" That makes sense, but how to praise a child for being learned? Let's talk about what kind of praise is best today!

First, praise should have a foundation, not praise out of thin air. Someone met them and praised them all the time. This is flattery! The person who is praised must have made specific achievements or behaviors. Only those who deserve praise can be praised, otherwise the child will fall into vanity and will not listen to criticism over time.

Second, praise should have a solemn form. Regardless of the scale of praise, praise must create an atmosphere and have a sense of ceremony. Of course, sometimes, in addition to the occasional time and occasion, timely verbal praise. Only after a formal praise can the value of this praise be reflected and the children will take it seriously.

Third, praise should focus on spiritual praise. We can't just focus on material stimulation, let alone food or money, which will breed hedonism and money worship. Applause, the commemorative award has a deeper impact and a greater role!

Fourth, praise should be treated equally, with the same type and specifications, fair and just. Praise anything worthy of praise, no matter who the object of praise is, no matter what achievements or progress it has made.

Fifth, grasp the degree of praise and guide students to form a correct view of praise. The value of praise lies in its preciousness and cannot be abused. Just like issuing money, it will not work if it is devalued. Too little is not conducive to development.

Praise the advantages before criticism, or praise the advantages after criticism to appease the advantages, which will reflect the ingenious role of praise.

Praise more, criticize less, praise a good boy!

Praise is an art, not a technology, and it can't be done simply by copying. So we often watch some parents praise their children, but it doesn't have the effect of praise. Instead, let the children be blind and confident. So how to praise children!

First of all, it must be targeted. Don't praise widely, for example, you are great, you are really smart. Instead, it should fall on specific events. For example, if a child does well by hand, praise the child for doing well by hand. How did you do it? Can you teach me? Then children will have a sense of accomplishment, and they will also exercise their language skills and increase their self-confidence in the process of teaching you. So praise must be targeted.

Secondly, when praising, you can also put forward shortcomings euphemistically. For example, if the child can eat independently, you praise her, but at the same time tell her not to drop the meal on the table next time.

Third, don't praise too much. There are some things that every child can do at a certain age, so don't praise them easily. It is best to praise what he has done after overcoming difficulties and inspire his courage to challenge them.

Fourth, when praising, you should be sincere and appreciate your child from the heart. Instead of praising for the sake of praise, you are absent-minded, so that your child can't feel your sincerity and think that you are perfunctory, so that he can't stand your heartfelt appreciation and will feel frustrated.

The above is my personal opinion. Don't spray if you don't like it

When praising children, the attitude and tone must be sincere and heartfelt.

Praising children is a technical job!

Parents will praise their children when they meet the standards required by their parents or get their approval. In other words, praising children is often guided by adults' value judgments.

However, will you praise your child for what he really wants?

For example, a child got 100 in the math test, and the parents were very happy and said, "You are great!" "The parents' original intention is of course good, that is, to recognize their children and encourage them to continue their efforts.

The child was very happy to hear this sentence and felt praised by his parents. However, he will have some uncomfortable feelings in his heart, but he doesn't know what this feeling is. Next time, if he behaves well, his parents will still say "you are great" and "you are the best", and the child will feel more and more uncomfortable. Later, he was no longer interested in such praise.

How to praise children?

Still in that example, the child got 100 in the math exam and came back to tell his parents happily. Parents said, "You are great, my child." We know that you have been working hard (seeing the children's efforts), and parents are really happy for your happiness (because the children are happy to express their feelings). "

Children will certainly be happy to get 100 points. He made corresponding efforts when he got this 100 score, and he needs you to recognize his efforts more. What he wants to know is that even if he can't get 100 in the future. Parents can also see his efforts.

You tell him that you are happy because of his happiness. In other words, on the basis of your approval, you care more about his feelings. He got 100, of course he will be happy. You will be happy because of his happiness, not only because of his achievements, but because of him. These will gradually internalize into the child's psychology and become some difficulties in his later life, because he knows that his parents understand and value his feelings, and he will also value his own feelings and understand the feelings of others.

After verbal praise, there can be corresponding other rewards, such as cooking a delicious meal for children and rewarding toys that children have always wanted to buy. Slowly, spiritual rewards replaced material rewards. This is called "positive reinforcement" in psychology, and children will

So, you see, praise is also a difficult conversation, isn't it?

Another way to praise, we'll discuss it next time. Welcome to private letter exchange!

In the process of raising children, we often meet two kinds of parents. One is stingy praise, which may worry that children are proud of praise too much. Therefore, even if children show their achievements to such parents, they will always be denied or even throw cold water on them. In the long run, children may really question themselves and have bad psychology such as inferiority.