This is a tearful sentence written by San Mao to his father many years later.
Sanmao's father is very prestigious in the legal field, and even his younger brother has become a first-class trademark registrar under his strict education.
But San Mao's achievements are not worth mentioning in his father's eyes. Perhaps my father hates iron and doesn't turn into steel, or perhaps he longs for Sanmao to become a phoenix, but Sanmao finally failed to become the "steel" or "phoenix" in his father's eyes.
The deeper you love, the deeper you hate.
As San Mao said, "I know, Dad, you love me the most and hate me the most. The lifelong conflict between us has deeply hurt each other again and again. We don't know how to protect each other, and we don't want to give in. "
What a deep love, what a strong father, Sanmao's longing for fatherly love has become a bubble of disillusionment again and again.
We can't evaluate a father's love, nor can we empathize with San Mao who is not loved by his father and recognized by his family.
She became sensitive, self-abased, rebellious, rebellious …
"This idea of wanting to die is a completion of the realm of father and daughter. It is very successful. The taste of success is the sadness and joy of death." What kind of despair makes San Mao linger on the brink of death.
Perhaps Sanmao, wandering in the Sahara desert, is not free and easy, but looking for himself that his father likes.
Many years later, I returned to China to have dinner with my family. Family harmony, other brothers and sisters are married and have more children. My parents are very happy, but I don't fit in.
Just like a family dinner held in a high-class club on a high building, under the spotlight, men wear suits and ties, and women compete for beauty.
Sanmao, wearing short-sleeved jeans, doesn't know how to get along with herself. Yes, she is inferior at this time. San Mao, who is unsociable, finally left the scene and walked alone on a cold street corner.
It is the family's incomprehension and his father's harsh expectations and disappointment that makes Sanmao lose the warmest harbor in the world.
Home, for San Mao, has become a burden, a burden that I want to have but can't get.
As she said, for me, the joys and sorrows of my life are not to earn the world, but to make you appreciate me.
Even her parents-in-law, who once loved her, left Hexi for less than three months to talk with San Mao about property distribution.
Sanmao is a very emotional person, but she can always be hurt by her family.
After Hexi left, Sanmao gave the property to her in-laws and left alone.
It is said that God is fair. When I close this door, I will definitely open another window for you, but no, Sanmao has been hurt again and again by this place called "home".
It was the constant injury of her family that ruined her way home.
Wandering, even suicide, is not her own free will, and the only thing she can choose is to cover up her despair with free and easy, and to protect her lonely heart with leaving.
You may not like me, but please don't hurt me. Sanmao, 12 years old, was admitted to Taipei No.1 Middle School, and failed in math all the time, which made the math teacher once think Sanmao was an imbecile.
The competitive Sanmao happened to find that the math problems given by the teacher were all exercises after the textbook. Sanmao, who has excellent memory, is determined to memorize the exercises. In this way, he won the first place in several math exams later.
All this was not only not praised by the teacher, but also questioned by the math teacher about Sanmao's plagiarism.
The math teacher found Sanmao a difficult senior three math test paper, which proved that his suspicion was correct.
As you can imagine, poor Sanmao could have done more senior questions, and in this way, Sanmao became the object of sarcasm by the math teacher.
The math teacher even drew two big circles around Sanmao's eyes with ink, and the ink flowed down his face to Sanmao's mouth.
San Mao, who had tasted human suffering and teacher humiliation, was forced to stand in the corridor to meet the onlookers and ridicule of the whole school.
That year, Sanmao was a girl who had just entered the second grade of junior high school in Seeds of Love. Faced with such humiliation and hostility, she was sad and desperate.
From then on, the pain and psychological pressure she suffered greatly occupied her life. More sadly, no one can listen to her about the trauma and pain.
She has been enduring alone, and she has not lost the burden left in her heart.
It was this that made San Mao completely desperate. She thought of death and began to yearn for the peace of mind and relief of the dead, admiring their comfort without ridicule and betrayal.
After a long time, the cemetery became the only place for San Mao.
Sanmao was only thirteen years old that year.
Truancy has evolved into several truancy, changing schools and playing truant. After a vicious cycle of one semester, Sanmao dropped out of school and studied for seven years.
I don't go to school, I don't fit in at home, and I don't have any close friends. San Mao, who is locked in the room, has only words and himself.
On a night when a typhoon roared, she chose to cut her wrist and commit suicide. Fortunately, she saved her life, but her inner loneliness was not saved.
We can't imagine how much pressure a child is under in adolescence. He had to face the unbearable and abandoned life alone and redeem his soul with death.
Third, I found you in the vast sea of people, and when I turned around, I was left alone. Sanmao's life is ups and downs, and her love is even more tragic.
The first love of an ignorant teenager, the trap of an "artist's wife", the moment her fiance died in her arms, the infatuation of a wealthy Japanese businessman, the affection of a general in the railway station for two days, and even the emotional sustenance with Mr. Wang before his death failed to crush Sanmao. At best, San Mao is more aware of the changes in life, or human suffering.
However, Jose's departure is the root of San Mao's inner rope fracture.
Sanmao is 24 years old and Jose 18 years old.
San Mao said that this man is really good-looking, so he has good memories of playing football, having snowball fights and riding motorcycles.
Jose likes to wait for Sanmao to finish class under the big tree outside the academy, and he still remembers to take a French hat in his hand. A just smile can always touch Sanmao's inner loneliness.
So two lonely souls met without expectation.
"Echo, wait for me for six years, four years of college, two years of military service, and then we will get married."
This is the first time that Jose has boldly expressed his mind and determination. But Sanmao refused. It's not that Sanmao doesn't like Jose, it's just that there are too many unpredictable things that make Sanmao afraid to make promises and bet on the future.
Rejected Jose went back to the dormitory and cried all night. Jose didn't give up because of Sanmao's refusal. He firmly believes that one day, his enthusiasm and persistence will impress San Mao, and he will marry this poetic woman and spend his life together.
Six years later, after a circle, San Mao saw Jose again, or Jose followed him all the way.
"How much do you want, husband?" Jose asked San Mao.
Sanmao replied, "If you don't like it, the multimillionaire won't marry. If you like it, the billionaire will marry. "
"After all, you always want to marry a rich man."
"There are exceptions."
"What will you do if you follow me?" Jose asked.
"Then as long as you have enough money."
"Do you eat much?" Jose asked thoughtfully.
"Not much, not much, and less in the future." San Mao said cautiously and mischievously.
In this way, they met again in the Sahara desert and got married.
That year, in order to dream of a desert, Jose went to Sahara three months in advance to find a job, and later worked in a phosphate mine company in Sahara.
He said that only by finding a good job, finding a good house and getting everything ready can Sanmao take over and live together.
Sanmao once said that the man she loves must have a wandering heart. But Jose has such a heart. He is willing to abandon the world of mortals and only wander with Sanmao.
Just to follow his heart, Sanmao came to the Sahara. She said she would find herself in the desert.
The beauty of life is nothing more than doing what you like with the people you like.
Perhaps that is the best memory of Sanmao's life.
However, all the encounters and beauties are beyond our control. Sanmao's happiness is like a mirage in the desert, shattered by surprises.
On a sea mission, Jose never came back.
Stroking the coffin in Hexi, San Mao cried her heart out, and wrote in later words:
"Farewell to relatives, was hammered into the coffin, I was unconscious. I only remember that the sound of the coffin was bloody, screaming and crying. I don't know where I am. "
With Jose gone, Sanmao's world completely collapsed.
As she said, long before they got married, in the snow in segovia, they had changed their hearts. Jose took San Mao's heart and buried it deeply in the ground.
Since then, San Mao's heart has left with Jose. She lived like a walking corpse, her skin was tortured by diseases, and finally she could not bear the torture and humiliation brought by life.