I don't know when the pleasant communication between us became less and less, but the contradiction between us became more and more serious. ...
I don't know when it started. There are fewer and fewer common topics between us, but our differences are getting bigger and bigger. ...
I have been thinking, between us, what is the chief culprit that causes all these estrangements, contradictions and differences?
I vaguely remember that when I was in kindergarten, every time I learned to know a new word, you praised me as "great", and every time I did a simple arithmetic problem correctly, you smiled and praised me as "little genius".
But in that year's senior high school entrance examination, I was admitted to the city's key high school as I wished, but after the results of the first monthly examination were announced, I was not assigned to the key class as I wished. So, soon after the parent-teacher conference, you began to complain about me endlessly. You kept complaining about me: "Why didn't you get 2 points more?" If you can get 2 points more, you won't be brushed off in the diversion of key classes and ordinary classes. Look at Xiao Jing at your aunt Wang's house. This time, she was assigned to a key class. You two are usually so close. Why can't you learn more, Xiao Jing? "
At that time, I was like a student who deliberately dropped 2 points in the exam, just to get the punishment that I was finally assigned to an ordinary class today. At that moment, I hated myself. I hate myself why I can't be serious in the examination room. If I can get 2 more points, in that case, I will still be proud of my mother. But because of this damn 2 points, I was scolded by my mother for several hours. That is, from this long night on, I began to expect to live a quiet life, because I just want my mother to see you and take me as your pride again.
However, I don't know what happened. Starting from tonight, the gap between Xiao Jing and me is getting bigger and bigger, from the initial 2 points to the later 20 points, and then to nearly 200 points in the college entrance examination. I clearly remember that when Xiaojing was admitted to a key university and sent to our community, you deliberately stayed at home, blocked me in my room and scolded me all day. ...
You and Aunt Wang are both stay-at-home mothers, and taking care of this high school student's food, clothing, housing and transportation at home is your whole life focus and goal. For three years in high school, you and Aunt Wang have been exchanging various brain-nourishing recipes and menus. In order to let Xiao Jing and I eat well and have a good rest, you have racked your brains, and at the same time you have brought your hands-on ability and cooking skills to the extreme.
What you have done is nothing more than let Xiao Jing and I drink a bowl of soup comfortably in front of the twinkling stars in the night sky when we finally get home, calming our nerves and nourishing our brains. Every time you see us burping after eating soup, your face will bloom like a flower after a busy day. At that moment, you will feel that the bowl of soup you worked so hard to cook finally took more than three hours.
Just, you don't know, I dropped three places in my class in the mock exam that day. Although the anshen decoction you cooked that night was delicious, my heart was full of guilt. The source of this guilt is only because you closed my room door at the last minute with an empty bowl, and your seemingly casual sentence: "Listen to Aunt Wang, last month, Xiao Jing won the first place in the city on behalf of your school in the math competition. You have always done well in physics. If you have the opportunity to compete in school next time, you can also work harder and try? "
Because of your seemingly unintentional words, I just finished drinking that bowl of tonic soup and lost sleep all night. The next day, I did badly on the weekly physics paper. Since then, my interest in physics has gradually weakened. ...
Since Xiao Jing went to Beijing to study in university, maybe you think I can't be as good as Xiao Jing in my life. You began to compare me with Sister Juan upstairs. Xiao Juan, also a junior college student, still works in a foreign company. You should also learn from Xiaojuan's sister and strive to work in a foreign company after graduation. ...
In the three years after entering the university, it is no exaggeration to say that in our not-too-long phone records, you mentioned Sister Juan's name three or five times more than you called my name. In this hurried college life, I have always regarded it as my goal to live like Sister Juan.
Only this time, I let you down again. After learning that I failed the oral English exam and was rejected by the foreign company I had long admired, I got on the subway alone, went to a bridge in the suburbs and stood for an afternoon. I dare not tell you the fact that I was rejected by this company. I'm afraid you'll scold me all day, just like I didn't get into a book three years ago. ...
Later, it was my age to talk about marriage. At the beginning, you taught me that as a girl, I should remember to be reserved in love and not to easily agree to the date invitation sent to me by boys I don't know. However, when the girlfriends around you gradually step into marriage, you start to feel a little flustered.
At this time, you let me study with our Lingling sister on the second floor. Always encouraged me to say, "Now is a new era, and girls also have the right to actively pursue their own happiness. You see, Lingling's boyfriend is excellent. This young man is not only handsome, but also has a good job. Lingling has a good eye. "
I don't think I'm too stupid to hear the implication of your words. Now you not only want your daughter to live independently like Lingling's sister, but also you have found a good reference for me in the future. ...
It was at that moment that I understood. I really understood. I knew that the reason why our mother and daughter kept fewer and fewer secrets, less and less pleasant communication and more and more differences was because in your heart, in your eyes and in your limited cognition, Xiao Jing was excellent, Juan Jie was excellent and Ling Jie was excellent.
And I am a terrible child who can't do anything well. I will only let you down, because I didn't get into a key university as I hoped. I will only make you lose face in front of your good friends because I have not been hired by a foreign company, and will only make you become the talk of your neighbors after I gradually become an older woman, and make you look down upon it. ...
You just don't know, dear mother, how much I want to live as what you call "someone else's child" over the years.
I have been in high school for three years, and the only goal in my mind is to learn from Xiao Jing. I want to be as good as her and be the pride in your heart. During my three years in college, I gave almost all my spare time to the library and study room. However, I don't pay special attention to the daily practice of oral English. I also know that foreign companies have higher requirements for spoken English, but I really didn't expect the actual situation to be much higher than I expected.
The person I'm talking about also has some characteristics. Although you have been married for decades, for me, love and marriage are still things I have never experienced in my life. I have my own ideas, outlook on life and marriage, and I also have my own understanding and thinking about love and marriage.
You never realize that Xiao Jing is Xiao Jing, Sister Juan is Sister Juan, Sister Ling is Sister Ling, and I am just myself. I will never live like them. I can only live like the most beautiful one for the rest of my life. ...
Mom, I want to go back to my childhood when I first entered kindergarten. Because, at that time, you only had me in your eyes and me in your heart. In your world, only I bloom the most beautiful vitality like a flower.
However, as I grow up, I am less and less like myself. Because of the influence of the concept of "other people's children" you have instilled for many years, in my heart, I just think about how to live as a "other people's children", but I have never really settled down to think about it. How to work hard in this life to live the best self in this life?