Even some visitors will worry, don't "not treat my problems well, but bring me more problems or burdens." As the saying goes, the deaf have become dumb. I have heard this worry countless times on different occasions, and it has almost become the most concerned issue for visitors. As a professional psychological counselor, I have been thinking about this problem. I want to explain it completely in a systematic way, tell you some basic characteristics and abilities of psychological counselors, and provide a basic reference for you to choose a suitable psychological counselor. From a professional point of view, psychological counseling is a unique relationship created by psychological counselors and visitors. The goal of this relationship is simple and single-minded, that is, to solve the internal psychological problems of visitors, rather than going in other directions unrelated to treatment. So in this relationship, Zhang Jingang, a psychologist at Xiamen University, thinks that "there are three basic elements: psychological counselor, visitor and consulting relationship". Among these three elements, both the consultant and the visitor affect the nature and trend of the consulting relationship. Here, I mainly talk about the influence of psychological counselors on the consulting relationship. Only by clarifying this part, can we find the behavioral context of effective counseling by psychological counselors and find the right psychological counselors from it. In psychological counseling, the counselor is presented to the visitors as a person with professional skills. Compared with other industries, this requires psychological counselors to be sincere, devoted, calm, calm and consistent. A psychological counselor probably has the following particularly important aspects, which will affect the quality and effect of psychological counseling. (1) Talking style of psychological counselors. Psychological counseling relies on language as a carrier to transmit basic information. Although in theory, the tool that plays a role in psychological counseling is not language itself, its role has proved to be the most important so far. Studies have proved that in some consultations, only language and conversation have considerable therapeutic value. In psychological counseling, the counselor's language may not be much, but this does not mean that language is not important. It is in seemingly few words that accurate thinking logic and the crux of the problem should be conveyed. Especially mood, emotion, facial expression, posture, etc. The information conveyed by the counselor in the conversation with language expression is considered to be an important factor affecting the visitors. Therefore, the consultant's organizational language ability and oral expression ability are particularly critical to the whole consulting effect. An excellent psychological counselor should basically have a natural and harmonious expression, meaningful conversation content, proper and accurate wording and sentences, steady and appropriate speech speed, smooth and natural emotional ups and downs, sincere and natural and cordial conversation style. (2) Psychological counselors' analytical thinking. For psychological counselors, to solve people's psychological problems, no matter what kind of counseling genre you study and what kind of counseling methods you adopt, you basically have to touch on problem exploration, logical judgment and cognitive analysis, which is the basic ability to communicate with people, because thinking is the basic form of human existence and one of the reasons for psychological problems, which is also the reason why animals have no psychological problems. Therefore, the ability of thinking, analysis, judgment and logic, like language, is not widely used in consultation, but it is the infiltrator hidden behind the consultation conversation and feelings, and it is also the basic ability that a consultant must have. Otherwise, it is difficult to complete the "link and contact" with visitors at the level of thinking. I never advocate that psychological counselors collide and entangle with visitors at the thinking level, but it doesn't mean that psychological counselors can't have good thinking and logical analysis skills. A good psychological counselor should not only clearly know his foothold and depth of thinking, but also clearly feel the thinking characteristics, logical conflict points and analytical ability of the visitors, and even accurately find the basic position of the visitors, which is what the counselor should focus on at the thinking level. In an easy-to-understand sentence: it doesn't matter what the counselor says, what matters is that you know what the visitor gets. (3) The basic attitude of psychological counselors. A counselor is a person first. He/she lives in the real world like a visitor, has his/her own views, understanding and attitude towards real problems, and may even be troubled by some things in real life. No matter how good a consultant is, it is impossible to be as otherworldly as Buddha, and it is not necessary. The most important thing is that the counselor's coping style and attitude in the face of practical problems have a powerful demonstration and encouragement for visitors. This puts forward strict requirements for counselors, that is, counselors should have a basic attitude both physically and mentally, and can provide "consultation and treatment" for visitors. The reason for this requirement is that the counselor's physical and mental characteristics will inevitably affect the visitors in the process of deep interaction with them. If your counselor tells you that the direction of mental health is to face life positively, fully understand yourself, well understand your own needs, learn to cherish yourself and meet your reasonable needs, and then respect the requirements of others and establish good interpersonal relationships according to social norms. So how did this consultant do it? You can feel whether his/her actual state is as he/she says. It doesn't matter what the counselor says, but what he/she does will deeply affect the visitor's body and mind. Zhang Jingang, a psychologist in Xiamen, believes that psychological counselor is a special profession, which requires not only the counselors to show positive, sincere, frank, natural, accepting and respectful qualities when facing visitors in the consulting room, but also the counselors to be brave in practice in daily life and really use them in the direction they advocate. The consistency of appearance is also the most important requirement for consultants. (4) Counseling skills of psychological counselors. Counseling techniques of psychological counselors are also the basic operation mode when facing visitors. Although we say that different visitors will have different consultation routes, each consultant will form his own habitual routine in long-term consultation. Generally speaking, I think it can be divided into four types: the first type is intervention type, which likes to guide the behavior of visitors; The second is listening, listening is more than analysis; The third type is analytical, with more analysis than listening; Fourth, it is invisible, follow your feelings. I think this model actually represents the four realms of consultants. The first realm thinks that people are mechanical and can command and arrange, so they like to give advice and make arrangements, and always show a control tendency that they want you to do this instead of that, which is a manifestation of the consultant's insufficient internal growth and rigid mind; The second realm is that the psychological counselor agrees with the requirements in the psychological counselor's instruction manual, actively pays attention to and listens, but ignores the effective attention to the "troubled points" of the visitors. How can I put it? Paying attention to "problems" will breed "problems", ignoring "problems" and then talking about positive and sunny aspects all the time, allowing positive resources to repair and occupy negative resources, which is acceptable to us, but a considerable number of "Chinese-style" visitors will think that you have been bypassing me and not explaining my problems, so they will leave the consultants, which also shows that some consultants are afraid to touch the "wounded side" of the visitors. As Li Zixun said, "If the pot doesn't boil, don't mention it", which means deliberately not mentioning the pot that doesn't boil, but it doesn't mean you can't lift it. It takes some effort to understand this and understand it. And the third realm, I think, is beyond the personal limitations of "dumb book" and "having to take the initiative to pay attention because I can't face it effectively", which sounds a bit embarrassing, but I want to make it clear that I can dare to do meticulous work on the "wound" of visitors, not only feel and listen attentively, but also go deep into my heart to work while ensuring safety; The fourth realm is the highest. There are no fixed procedures and patterns. There is thunder in land of silence, and much has changed. Companionship, respect, enthusiasm, analysis and listening are all natural feelings. Such a consultant can't be described in words. In short, as soon as visitors approach such a counselor, they feel wonderful, and the healing function begins to happen naturally. (5) psychological counselor technical school. In the process of psychological counseling, it will naturally be divided into different schools, and different treatment directions will be formed based on different understandings of people's psychological characteristics. Excellent psychological counselors will widely absorb the technology of various sects and form their own style in years of study and practice. For a good consultant, the most important thing to note is that no matter what genre or technology, there are their own applicable objects, but even so, it is impossible to apply them mechanically to everyone. Especially for people's psychology, everyone has their own soft-hearted characteristics. How can we complete the psychological adjustment of thousands of people in Qian Qian with only a few technologies? Therefore, consultation must be the work of consultants combining their own brains with professional skills, and flexibility is the best professional quality of consultants. (6) Psychological counselors' interpersonal skills. The interaction between consultants and visitors in the consulting room is a special form of interpersonal relationship. The communication between counselors and visitors, the collision of ideas, the docking of feelings, the ups and downs of emotions and so on. It happens all the time, which is not only the need of psychological counseling, but also the best guarantee of psychological counseling effect. In psychological counseling, we always attach importance to the establishment of counseling alliance, that is, to establish a good and in-depth communication relationship between counselors and visitors in a relatively short period of time, which is one of the important indicators to test counseling ability. If the consultant can't create a relationship of trust, sincerity and understanding for the visitors in the process of communication with them, then it is the failure of the consultant. How to deal with interpersonal relationships, how to treat people and things, and your own likes and dislikes will inevitably produce personalized interpersonal patterns. It is impossible for this mode not to occur and present in the consulting room. For example, some counselors say I can't accept cheating men. I decided to be angry when I saw such a person. I asked her, how do you receive such visitors? She answered me with a smile, but I wouldn't say that to the visitors in the consulting room. I will objectively help him analyze, and sincerely face his questions and troubles. I smiled, too, and said nothing. Is it actually possible? Outside the clinic, there is a kind of value, while inside the clinic, there is another completely different value, euphemistically called value neutrality. Anyone with a little knowledge of psychological counseling will know that this is impossible. It is impossible for a person to think of one thing in his mind and do another thing in action. It's no use hiding it. Your hidden actions, words and deeds will completely expose your psychological thoughts. For a counselor, if you always hide what you say and what you don't say, your visitors will think you are not credible at all. Careless, the fox's tail was exposed. And during the whole consultation process, you have to try your best to hide your inner thoughts. Where is the time to pay attention to and listen to your visitors? ! (7) The depth of psychological counselors' feelings. Psychological counselors are different from ordinary chats. The key point is that counselors will not deal with things on a case-by-case basis, treat things piecemeal, and simply stay on the surface of things to give behavioral guidance and suggestions. It is that psychological counselors can feel the real needs of visitors' hearts more deeply than ordinary people, or the subconscious needs. Ordinary people encounter psychological troubles, which are generally manifested in three aspects: the imbalance between external needs and internal needs, the psychological conflict caused by the lack of good coordination between rational needs and perceptual needs, and the worry, fear and anxiety caused by the incomprehension of their own psychological problems. These three problems are generally due to visitors' long-term neglect and repression of deep psychological needs, and more are the constraints of social norms and moral laws, which strengthen their rational behavior. In the long run, some people show a strong sense of social responsibility and ignore their inner needs. Some people ignore their own needs in order to satisfy the wishes of their parents and others, which leads to anxiety, depression, sleep and even eating problems. They begin to worry about whether they will. These problems require psychological counselors to go beyond superficial problems and help visitors explain the causes, priorities, real inner needs, how to face the current bad emotions and feelings, how to treat their own problems, and even how to solve these problems through their own efforts. For counselors, this depth of view of problems is the result of long-term self-analysis and training. In the process of self-growth, counselors should constantly go deep into their subconscious to feel their deep needs and their manifestations. Without long-term hard training and self-cultivation, it is difficult for counselors to clearly understand the essence of visitors' problems. (8) Cultural identity of psychological counselors. Psychological counselors must be people who live in a certain cultural framework. Psychological counselors' attitude towards real culture and their recognition of the direction of cultural development will have a subtle influence on visitors. Many visitors will regard the consultant as an academic or life authority and do whatever the consultant says. This is the part that needs to be corrected. Every time I see such a visitor, I will tell her/him this problem frankly, and she/he may not realize it. I am not worried about my cultural orientation, but I clearly know that I am just an ordinary person, and I do not represent the authoritative culture, let alone the banner of a certain culture. If I reveal my personal attitude towards a certain culture in some way, I hope my visitors will follow me. For example, the "fake mother" and premarital sex I am concerned about are some cultural phenomena that are difficult to form a unified identity in a certain period of social change. If my visitors want to explore this with me, I won't avoid or play football. For example, I'm curious why you ask. Or, I want to hear your opinion first, and so on. I will speak my personal opinion cautiously but honestly, and tell you that it only represents a voice without authoritative guidance. Then my visitors will feel more comfortable, which means that I will pay more attention to my consultation as a person rather than a blunt machine. I know that some counselors will inadvertently talk about their views and attitudes towards a real culture, which is permeated with strong good feelings and bad feelings. Zhang Jingang, chief psychologist of Gray Hyman Psychological Counseling Agency in Xiamen, believes that this is not a safe and responsible attitude, which will lead to making personal speeches with tourists' money. Zhang Jingang, a well-known expert on family background, believes that these special requirements for psychological counselors are not only considered by visitors when they receive psychological counseling, but also by counselors engaged in professional psychological counseling and treatment. But at the same time, it is also a difficult problem to find a suitable psychological counselor for visitors. What is appropriate? Theoretically, is an "excellent" psychological counselor suitable? Obviously it's not that simple. Even from the technical point of view of pure psychological counseling, is it possible to provide a psychological counselor suitable for visitors? It seems that this is something worth discussing. For a successful psychological counseling case, the counselor's personal temperament image, speaking style, thinking of analyzing problems, attitude towards things, methods of counseling and treatment, technical genre followed, mode of dealing with interpersonal relationships, depth of understanding and feeling problems, recognition of current culture and values of life will all have a strong impact on a visitor. Undoubtedly, from this perspective, the determination of the characteristics of psychological counselors will undoubtedly affect the quality of psychological counseling.