The author of this book is Dr. Thomas Gordon, an American psychologist who is known as the "father of communication". He studied under carl rogers, a humanistic psychologist, and became a colleague. He spent nearly 50 years teaching the "Gordon model" of effective communication, which has become a way for people to communicate with each other and solve conflicts. It was introduced to more than 40 countries and affected millions of parents. The "Gordon model" applies not only to parent-child relationships, but also to all interpersonal relationships.
What is the effectiveness training for pet parents? PET is the abbreviation of parent effectiveness training. Parental efficacy training provides parents with an effective way to solve the problem of parent-child relationship. It is the first set of in-depth research and practice methods in the world and has been widely praised by people. Effective communication skills provided by parents' effectiveness training include "active listening" and "I-information", which are effective skills to deal with children's negative emotions, and the conflict resolution method of "no loser" when dealing with parent-child conflicts.
0 1 * * * Effective skills to deal with children's negative emotions-"active listening"
Many parents who have studied parental efficacy training have proved that they have learned to make their children consciously obey their parents' wishes to restrain their behavior, rather than behave well for fear of being punished or losing their privileges. Parents' sense of efficacy can make parents abandon punishment, let go of fear, and cultivate responsible and strict children.
"Active listening" is an effective skill to deal with children's problems. "Active listening" means actively listening to what the other party is saying and mastering the real facts of solving the problem, rather than passively listening to what the other party is saying.
About children's problems, we must first understand an important concept-"problem attribution". All communication skills of parents' efficacy are centered around "problem attribution". It refers to whose needs are not met and to whom the problem belongs.
When a child has negative emotions, it means that the child has encountered problems and some of his needs have not been met. For example, children feel that homework is too difficult; The child didn't make the baseball team; Children are rejected by friends, and so on. These problems that make children feel frustrated, disappointed and depressed belong to children. This is not a problem for parents, nor does it affect their needs. At this time, parents need to encourage their children to solve their own problems, not to replace them.
There is an example in the book. My mother helped her 12-year-old daughter Ai Lisha to accept her unchangeable situation through "active listening".
Ai Lisha said, I hate our new English teacher, Mrs. Johnson!
Mom said: Oh, you met a teacher you don't like this semester.
Ai Lisha said: Yes! I watched her talk endlessly about herself, so annoying! I really want to shut her up.
Mom said that she really makes you angry.
Ai Lisha said: Yes, other students don't like her either. I really don't understand why the school invited someone like her to be a teacher! Such a person can still keep his job?
Mom said: the poor teacher makes you wonder.
Ai Lisha said: Yes, but she has always been our teacher. It's too late to change classes now, so I have to make do with it. By the way, I want to call Dai. We need to discuss the weekend. Goodbye!
In this conversation, my mother didn't comment, nor did she preach or hint. On the contrary, she always allowed Ai Lisha to express her feelings while accepting and understanding her feelings. This enabled Ai Lisha to release her dissatisfaction with the English teacher and accept the reality that she could not change. Mother's "active listening" also shows Ai Lisha that when she is in trouble, her mother is a person who accepts her and can share with her.
There are two important parts to using active listening. One is to listen to and interpret children's emotions, that is, to identify children's emotions and speak them out to check with them. For example, when Ai Lisha confided to her mother, her mother said, "She really made you angry." Is to identify and check Ai Lisha's anger.
The second is to listen to the facts and help the child define his problems. When Ai Lisha said, "I hate our new English teacher, Mrs. Johnson!" " Mom said, "Oh, you met a teacher you don't like this semester." Mother heard the truth about Ai Lisha-she changed to a new teacher, which helped Ai Lisha see her problems-and she didn't like the new teacher.
02**** Strong influence skill in the face of unacceptable behavior of children-"I-information"
Many parenting ideas will talk about accepting children unconditionally. However, Dr. Gordon thinks it is more important to be a real parent. Parents will have two feelings of accepting and not accepting their children's behavior. Parents don't accept it in their hearts and don't need to pretend to accept it.
Dr Gordon also disagrees with the suggestion that parents need to be consistent. He believes that parents can lack consistency and do not need to establish a "United front." Every parent is a different mortal, and they may have different feelings about their children's behavior at the same time. If they try to be consistent, it is not true.
"I-information" is a skill to deal with children's unacceptable behavior. When children's behavior affects parents' needs, the problem belongs to parents. For example, you are interrupted by a child while talking to a friend; Children use your things and don't put them back; Children are often late for dinner. These behaviors of children affect parents to meet their own needs.
Many parents will reprimand or warn their children at this time, using "you-information", such as: don't interrupt me! Can you put your things away? You are always late for dinner! "I-information" technology provides a way to respect children and influence them to cooperate more. Information technology consists of three parts: describing unacceptable behavior; Express parents' feelings; Point out the actual and concrete influence of this behavior on parents.
In the above example, using "I-information" technology, parents can say, "I was talking to a friend and you interrupted me. I feel very angry, so I can't communicate with my friends normally. " "I haven't put my things back, and I feel very annoyed. I can't find it, I may use it next time. " "When we started eating, you didn't sit down in time for three consecutive days. I feel very anxious. We can't have dinner without you. "
03 "No Losers" to Solve Parent-child Conflicts
"Active listening" is used to deal with children's problems, and "I-information" is used to deal with parents' problems. Then, when both parents and children have problems, that is, their needs are not met, use the "no loser" conflict resolution method.
Faced with the contradiction with their children, many parents often fall into the situation of "you lose and I win", and finally either force their children to obey themselves or compromise. These seem to solve the problem, but they bury hidden dangers in the relationship. Whether the child "loses" or the parents compromise, they all suppress their own needs. The conflict resolution method of "no loser" is a solution that does not involve power. After the conflict is resolved, no one will lose.
There are six steps in the conflict resolution of "no loser":
1* * * Discovers and defines conflicts (defines mutual requirements).
2****, put forward possible alternatives (brainstorming).
3****, evaluate possible alternatives.
4****, determine the optimal solution.
5****, determine the implementation.
6****, track and evaluate the solution.
It is also important to be prepared for the "no loser" conflict resolution method. You need to tell your child clearly that there is a problem to be solved, that you want to find a mutually acceptable solution with him, and that you need to reach an understanding of the starting time with your child.
Recently, because my third-grade son forgot to do his homework while playing, I reminded him that too much was annoying and he was annoyed, so we discussed the solution together. Before, I asked him to finish his homework before he could watch 30 minutes of animation or play 30 minutes of games. He proposed to forget his homework. Then we agreed on the specific arrangement time together. After evaluation, he can basically abide by the agreement, and his initiative in doing homework has also increased.
Think of the sentence in the book: "Whenever parents hold the steering wheel and try to turn their children in a certain direction, they will be resisted." On the matter of my son's homework, I also feel that when I asked him to follow my arrangement, he resisted. When I let go of my anxiety and follow his rhythm, he will do his homework more efficiently.
I also shared this with my husband two days ago, and finally said to him, "We should always keep the co-pilot's coaching position and don't grab the steering wheel." He also nodded with a smile. These two days, we deliberately refrained from rushing our homework-"Don't grab the steering wheel".
Sometimes it's hard to hold back the children because you have to deal with your anxiety. But I think it's worth it Only by sticking to yourself can you not violate the boundaries of your child and let him be responsible for his own affairs.
To sum up:
Parental self-efficacy provides us with practical operational skills: "actively listen" when children have unsatisfied needs and negative emotions; Use "I-information" when facing the unacceptable behavior of children, and use "no loser" conflict resolution method when parents and children have conflicts.
I hope that we can all master and apply these three skills in our life, so that parent-child communication can be efficient and simple.