0 1 ways to express love

The most comfortable state between husband and wife is probably that I have been communicating with you on the same frequency. You understand my hints and I understand your love that you are not good at showing.

To have this tacit understanding, we must first learn to use the same language of love with our partners.

The language of love refers to the way we express love.

The differences between individuals determine our different ways and abilities to express and perceive love, and if we don't establish a common language system with our partners, differences and misunderstandings may follow.

You may love each other, but this can't solve all the problems.

Recently, I watched Seven Journey of Happy Relationship. For how to express love in the same way, marriage therapist Andrew g.

Marshall gave his suggestion. Let's have a look. The reasons why couples can't communicate effectively

Marshall pointed out that it is a very common problem for couples who come to consult him that they can't communicate effectively, and the reasons that lead them to quarrel or even turn against each other are usually trivial things that others think are irrelevant.

02 situation import

For both partners, when they enter the quarrel state with ineffective communication, they also lose their "objective and neutral" attitude and position, because they will look at the quarrel according to their own life experiences, personal experiences and conjectures, and it is these assumptions and prejudgments that lead to the misunderstanding of the other party.

Let's take Marshall's consulting case as an example to help you better understand how assumptions lead to misunderstandings.

A wife forgot to refuel after driving, and her husband asked her why she didn't refuel. The wife thought that her husband's question was directed at herself, but her husband said that he only asked a simple question.

As a result, a quarrel broke out between the two. During the diagnosis and treatment, the husband told Marshall that there was usually a long queue for refueling in the morning, which would make him late for work. If his wife can tell him that she forgot to refuel the night before, he can go out to refuel early the next day so as not to be late. However, these are all things that he thinks his wife already knows.

In fact, the wife only knows that her husband will get stuck in traffic if he goes out too late, and has no idea that the gas station will queue up in the morning.

At the same time, the wife thinks that the husband is accusing himself of laziness, but the husband says that he has no intention at all.

The influence of family background.

Under the guidance of Marshall, the wife realized that her father often accused her of not working hard enough in her childhood, so this impression was integrated into her personal understanding, which made her particularly sensitive to criticism from others.

The interpretation of her husband's words is based on her assumption based on personal experience.

Through this case, we can feel that a simple conversation will contain many misunderstandings and false predictions based on personal imagination and past experience.

This phenomenon occurs because those negative assumptions hinder the real communication between us and our partners.

So what do these negative assumptions have to do with "the language of love"?

Marshall pointed out that in love, we all think that the other half's demand for love and understanding of things are consistent with their own, but this natural assumption is extremely destructive.

Many couples will try to express their love and communicate with their partners in their own way, but they are often misunderstood.

At this time, we are not using the same language. So what should the "language of love" look like?

Five ways of communication

Marshall provides us with five directions, which we can use as a reference to judge what kind of "language of love" we and our partners use:

1, quality time together.

Good times together include: lying in each other's arms, watching TV together, traveling together, etc. Because for many couples, their biggest dissatisfaction with each other is that the other person no longer spends time on himself, but focuses on his career, friends and hobbies.

If your partner uses this language of love, then you may need to create more time for the two of you, listen to each other's thoughts and pay full attention to each other in getting along.

2. Care about action

Caring action refers to intimate tasks that need to be completed by both partners, such as cooking together, doing housework together, and doing something for the other half that has not been done for ta before. If you are not sure which behaviors will be regarded as "caring behaviors" by the other party, you can also sit down and listen to the other party's complaints and grievances and find opportunities to turn them into expressions of love.

For example, if our other half complains that the bathroom is dirty, we can take half a day to clean the bathroom carefully and surprise ta.

Explore a suitable mode of getting along.

3. Emotional physical contact

When we see physical contact, we usually think of sex first, but Marshall pointed out that hugs and spontaneous kisses are more important.

Emotional physical contact is most useful when it doesn't involve sex, such as putting your hand on ta's waist when walking together; When watching movies together, gently touch the back of ta's hand. ...

However, we should also pay attention to the need to confirm the contact information that the other party likes and find the right time.

4. Words of thanks

Praise is very important. We need to praise our partner as much as possible. When praising, we should cooperate with our physical activities, such as looking into each other's eyes when saying "I love you" and showing our sincerity.

At the same time, accept the compliment generously and answer with the simplest and most powerful language: "Thank you.

Create a language that belongs to you.

Step 5 give gifts

Gifts are part of love. We should not be too persistent about the price of gifts, but should pay more attention to the true meaning of gifts.

A thoughtful gift can express the meaning of "I love you" better than a simple and expensive gift.

At the same time, there is no need to wait for a special opportunity to give gifts. Giving more small gifts will make the other person feel more loved. We can judge what kind of gifts ta prefers by observing the types of gifts that her partner likes to give.

How to establish your own "language of love"?

1: You can ask yourself:

"When do I feel most loved?"

"I often complain that my other half never ...? "

At the same time, imagine how your other half will complete these two sentences, which will help you find ta's love story.

Observe the language of your partner's love

2. Observe the way your partner expresses love.

Some people's love language is physical contact, which may come from their childhood experiences. For example, children who are often kissed when they are young will get used to kissing their loved ones when they grow up.

Some people want to stay with their relatives. For example, TAs prefer to watch movies together rather than go to a formal candlelight dinner. ...

Every couple's love language is different. We should be good at observing the language of partner's love, let ta know the way of showing love and build our own "language system".