Such a move caught my attention and my son was at a loss. I could see his tears rolling in his eyes, but I tried to hold back my tears and didn't cry. I ran to ask the child why his mother ignored him.
It turns out that when I was in an early education class, the results of a learning contest were not ideal, and the mother of the child was very unhappy about it. At this time, I began to feel a little distressed for my son and had a long communication with his mother. "You know what? When children's various indicators can't meet your requirements, they don't respond, or they ignore them in cold blood, which is extremely cruel! " .
In order to understand the harm of this family-style cold violence to children, someone once did an experiment: three people were found throwing balls at each other. Pass the ball to A, then to B, then to C, and finally to A. In fact, B and C are experimental researchers of this game, so A doesn't know the test.
At first, the game was harmonious. With the deepening of the game, A senses that something is wrong, and then B and C no longer interact with A. ..
After this unprovoked neglect, the researchers later observed and compared A's brain by magnetic resonance imaging, and found that the whole area of his brain with intense reaction was the pain area. On the other hand, the pain caused by this neglect is beyond the physical blow. Especially in the process of growing up, children are eager to get greater responses from others, which is also an extremely primitive feeling.
When you can't get the emotional response you deserve, loss will push people to a lonely desert island, and then the whole person will lose the original expectation of life. The final study found that the more intimate people, once using this kind of cold violence, the greater the harm to children in the future, and the most obvious harm is often difficult to detect.
This kind of cold violence is more like a trauma to children. Instead of expressing too much, they will gradually fall into self-doubt.
This summer vacation, my sister asked me to take care of my 7-year-old niece for a few days because of work needs. In these days, I found a strange phenomenon. When my niece is eating breakfast, her frequency conversion will be very strange. Sometimes she will be happy to eat with us, but sometimes she never eats breakfast. With such a doubt, I once asked unsteadily after breakfast, "Why don't you have breakfast today, but sometimes you will have breakfast with us?"
"I didn't finish my homework last night and didn't want to eat." Her answer made me wonder why I didn't want to have breakfast until I finished my homework. My niece told me hesitantly that she didn't finish her homework last holiday and her mother didn't talk to her for two weeks. Sometimes I will say to her sarcastically, "I haven't finished my homework yet, and I have the face to eat breakfast."
It is precisely because of this sentence that if parents don't feel anything wrong, it will have a far-reaching impact on their children. From then on, as long as you don't finish your homework or exams well, you won't eat breakfast, which is also a punishment.
This incident shocked me, and later I also had communication with my sister. In fact, the whole thinking process of children is quite direct. When they face their parents' indifference and indifference, their first thought will be: "Mom and Dad have begun to love me."
In order not to be ignored by their parents, they can torture themselves and even do things beyond ordinary people's imagination. Then when faced with parents' indifference, children simply don't know how to be kind to themselves, let alone have any good development in their future life.
According to authoritative data, about 45% patients with depression suffered more or less from parents' neglect or indifference from the world in their childhood. This lack of support makes them feel that life has no hope and meaning, and at the same time they will constantly deny themselves.
There is a popular question and answer on the Internet: "What kind of person will a child who has been opposed by parents for a long time?" Most of the answers pointed out that they didn't feel warm at home and lost their sense of belonging from an early age. Even when I grow up, it is difficult to reach a reconciliation with my childhood.
A boy who has experienced cold violence 10 years replied: "Compared with cold violence, I hope that when I encounter problems, they can blame me or teach me a lesson, but they don't want to be ignored like that or throw me aside."
In the process of children growing up, most of them don't have enough experience. Whether you are in trouble at school or have poor grades, it is very common, but some parents' decisions and behaviors will make children sensitive.
Most parents think that if children are naughty and ignore them, they will be obedient slowly. But this kind of emotional neglect is the most unwise behavior, which will only make children feel guilty after being neglected, constantly deny their own value, and will not have better self-confidence to overcome difficulties in life in future study and life.
Most children will be scolded by their parents after making mistakes, but many times parents think that they are not convinced after scolding their children and want to continue to let them remember through punishment, and most cold violence often appears in the second punishment.
Mei Xinli, a famous education expert, once said, "Most parents are addicted to this kind of cold violence, and after a long time, they are even more reluctant to talk to each other. They often understand that such behavior will bring harm to children or families.
At this time, I might as well suggest that once I find myself in cold violence, I can immediately say a word to the other party. The core of the problem is that it is difficult for some parents who commit cold violence to say the first sentence, which often makes them feel humiliated in the process of educating their children.
But as long as you try to say the first sentence, many entanglements in your heart will gradually disappear. For children, the first words their parents say will not make them look down on them, but feel their parents' kindness.
As parents, we should always reflect on ourselves, whether there has been cold violence in the process of educating our children. This kind of education is extremely unwise. As a father, I always exercise my strong heart. In order to overcome cold violence, I let my children feel warm in the process of educating them. Any indifferent scolding will only plant a deformed seed in the child's heart.
As the parenting encyclopedia points out, most parents who have cold violence are also perfectionists in life. They want their children to do everything, and they don't want any flaws in their lives. They also hope that their children can fulfill their unfinished wishes.
But everyone seems to forget that even those who have achieved great things have never experienced failure. Compared with perfect children, in my opinion, I would rather let them have a little flaw, that is the most real them, and it is also the state they should have at this age. When children have defects, it is not excessive torture, and then cold violence is used against them, but effectively pointing out the problems and establishing a good communication platform with them.
The early stage of children's growth is also an important stage of personality maturity. Instead of making your children perfect, lower this expectation and accept them better.
In particular, parents need to accompany their children to grow up and feel the process of their children getting better and better. This increasingly excellent development will not only give most parents a sense of accomplishment, but also bring obvious benefits to their children's growth.
I believe many friends have seen the movie "Heartbeat". In the movie, the hero's father used to be an extremely arrogant and cold-blooded host, and even when talking to his family on weekdays, he always took a cynical attitude. Under the influence of his father, the hero Bryce gradually began to show such a personality tendency. In her long life, she always treated people around her coldly. Even Julie, who is kind to her, treats her in a cold and violent way.
Until the next three years, what grandpa was worried about happened, so he told the hero, "a person's character has been developed in childhood." I hope that the next time you treat people, you must make the right decision in your mind. I don't want to go too far, because you can't change the result later. "
Some habits and personalities after growing up have a lot to do with the growth experience of childhood. Parents are always blaming their children, and later, they will start to treat people around them in the same way as the protagonist. In the process of educating children, a couple might as well be a red face and a bad face. When the other party is found to be treated with cold violence, it is necessary to remind them in time.