Scene 1: Liang Liang, a boy of 10 months old, is playing with his parents at his grandparents' home. Then, his mother went out to answer the phone. Liangliang has been crawling around on the ground and playing happily. His grandparents also provided him with many toys. However, as if there was a switch, Liangliang suddenly began to cry. Then, her father coaxed her, no, her grandparents couldn't even coax her. No matter what novel toys are, they are bright. Ignore them. At this time, dad was so angry that he wanted to spank him, and grandpa began to be upset. Only grandma insisted on coaxing him and said, Oh, Liangliang must miss her mother. At this time, the father said that he didn't understand and said to Liangliang, Your mother will be back soon. Can't you wait? Liangliang cried even harder. Dad's EQ needs to be learned, just as learning a language can promote our communication and thinking, so does the emotional world need to be understood and communicated. Then, learn emotional language. )

Scene 2: Mao Mao, a two-year-old girl, is sent to an early education park by her mother. At first, I got used to it for a month. Then, Mao Mao asked for a week's leave. Because my mother was going on a business trip, she asked her grandmother to stay at home every day. Wait until mom comes back from a business trip, and then send Mao Mao to kindergarten. Therefore, Mao Mao will hold every female teacher and call her mother. Then, she will sit in the hall of the early education park and wait for her mother to pick her up. The teacher suggested to her mother that Mao Mao seems insecure, so why don't you spend more time with her these days and add some sense of security before seeing her off. As a result, my mother said that the teacher lacked love and didn't want to hug Mao Mao. Then, my mother angrily moved to Mao Mao. Later, I heard that Mao Mao cried for a month before she gradually stopped crying.

Mom's emotional intelligence needs to be improved. Need to know that attachment needs to be repaired after being destroyed, and children's psychological trauma needs to be repaired. )

Scene 3: Ms. Song is going out to work. At this time, she raised her hand to greet her three-year-old daughter who was playing on the sofa. At this time, my daughter obviously understood something. She put down her doll named "Ma" and flew to hug her mother and cried. And Ms. Song also cried with heartache. At this time, Ms. Song's parents began to accuse her of meddling. Her father told her impatiently that the next time you want to go out, you will leave secretly, and you will make her cry, and I will coax your mother. Ms. Song gritted her teeth and closed the door, but she could still hear her daughter's heartbreaking cry. Ms. Song sat on the subway, leaving sad tears. She felt an unspeakable sadness and helplessness. Her intuition told her what went wrong, but she didn't know what went wrong. Ten minutes later, she sent a WeChat asking her mother how her daughter was. Mother sent her a photo of her daughter holding a horse. My daughter seems to have stopped crying and is playing with a horse. Then, my mother sent her a message saying that this "horse" was dirty and asked her to buy a new one today.

The emotional intelligence of grandparents needs to be studied and improved. Times are different, and the era of neglecting children's emotional development is gone forever. Of course, I later suggested that Ms. Song had better not buy a new one, because this doll is a unique transitional object, and no matter how good and expensive it is, it is irreplaceable. Its existence is closely related to the image of mother in children's hearts. )

I believe that after being a parent, everyone will see the separation of mother and child. Of course, everyone has different feelings and different explanations. Some people will say that children are so nervous when they cry and spoil them too much. What can two or three-year-old children think? My parents ignored me and stopped crying for the time being. Some people will say that it is cruel for parents to let their children cry like this. What does a child know when he is so young? He just wants his mother. Others will think it's nothing, it doesn't matter.

However, today we are going to introduce a concept, "separation anxiety". I believe that mastering this concept will help you understand something about parenting.

I hope everyone can adopt a scientific attitude here, that is, don't ask why. But think about what this is. That is, Newton began to ask himself, why didn't the apple fly into the sky when it fell from the tree? Similarly, experts who study the relationship between mother and baby will ask themselves: Why can't the baby be in high spirits after the mother leaves?

Simply put, separation anxiety is a phenomenon between mother and baby, that is, when a mother leaves her baby, the baby will definitely cry and be anxious. You can't find a baby whose mother left him and he didn't cry. Of course, babies need health. I still remember a mother complaining to me, "It's okay not to consult. In the past, he was quite independent. Now that I have made a few sand tables, he becomes very sticky to me and cries easily. " Then, I reminded the mother, "Before the consultation, he was ready to hit someone. Now? " Mother thought for a moment and said, "Yes, he doesn't seem to be so angry now." This case shows that she may think that she has given birth to a magical son, a son who violates the laws of nature. Other people's children cry when their mothers leave, but hers don't cry. However, it turns out that the child just didn't dare to cry in front of her in the past, and vented his anger of not letting him cry to other places.

From the perspective of evolutionary psychology, all mammalian cubs naturally need to find a warm mother, otherwise, it can't survive. Therefore, if the mother refuses, then it must evolve some mechanism to awaken the mother's attention, that is, crying.

Psychologically speaking, babies also have memories, but their memories are short-lived. This is why babies usually stop crying when their mothers leave. This is because babies have memories of their mothers, pictures of their mothers in their hearts, or internal reappearance. However, if the mother is away for a period of time, beyond a certain time limit, whether it is a few minutes, hours or days, then this memory or internal reproduction will disappear. When this happened, the baby began to cry.

As can be seen from this video, the real mother is different from the inner mother, and the baby begins to cry. )

In psychoanalysis, when a baby is born, his psychology and his mother's psychology are born together. If you can't feel your mother's psychology, it means you can't feel your own psychology, and a collapse of self-consciousness begins, and she will cry. This feeling is even a kind of pain, which may be difficult for ordinary people to feel, but for a baby, his mind and body are looking for a connection, that is, the baby's spirit tries to "settle down" on his existing body. If his mind feels pain at this time, then he may also feel physical pain.

As for how to reduce the anxiety of separation, there are many means. To put it simply, we should respect children in the process of "absolute dependence, transition to relative dependence, and finally, independence". Then, in the stage of absolute dependence, there must be a "dedicated" mother to satisfy the baby's fantasy. In the stage of relative dependence, we should respect the fact that the baby depends on it and accept the fact that the baby wants to explore independently. In other words, after satisfying the sense of security, the baby's curiosity instinct will inevitably appear and go back to explore. In the stage of independence, mothers should also accept the essence of children's mature dependence, that is, we are independent, but we need each other. If the first two stages are empty, then there is no real spiritual independence and personality independence, just like weaning. If he doesn't eat enough milk, then there is no fact that he was weaned later.