That background color is our gene, an innate factor that we can't change, but the environment and edification will stimulate the good or bad side of children's genes.
People are not born as demons, but demons, after being endlessly indulged or ignored by their inner emotional needs, gradually bloom evil flowers in the dark corner of their own hearts and devour their own hearts and others.
20 17 12, in dazhu county, Dazhou city, Sichuan province, 13-year-old Yuan Mou killed 43-year-old mother Chen Mou with a knife. Why on earth did the child choose to kill his mother?
The official report said that he resented his mother's strict discipline, but in fact, Yuan was brought up by his grandparents, who never taught him. He never stopped smoking and stealing, and his children lacked awareness of obeying social rules. He doesn't know what to do and what not to do.
When he was a teenager, his mother began to live with him. Mothers who want to stop their children's bad behavior begin to find that their children lack discipline and can't tell right from wrong. Like a wild child, he has adapted to the doting parenting style. When the discipline became severe, he chose to kill his mother.
The child lacks upbringing.
"Scientific parenting" is scientific?
Lack of education can lead people astray, and every parent will choose scientific parenting. When "scientific parenting" becomes the choice of every parent in this era, I sometimes think, what is scientific parenting? Whether scientific parenting is distorted by one-sided understanding.
Popular parenting articles say that it is necessary to cultivate children's ability to resist setbacks, so some people accuse children of crying when they encounter problems;
The famous marshmallow experiment said that parents were told to exercise their children's ability to delay enjoyment, so some people put their children's favorite food in front of them and refused to let them eat it;
Early education institutions say that children are inattentive and have poor social skills, so some people force children to sit on stools and read books, and force them to greet adults and children. ...
All this, is it really scientific parenting?
Not long ago, I saw a video of a mother reprimanding her child's homework in the middle of the night on the Internet. The noise is so loud that it interferes with the whole community, and the residents of the community have become accustomed to it.
I also saw a mother asking her 5-year-old daughter to count, but the child always couldn't count it all. The mother insisted that the child count right, and the child cried and counted wrong, which made people feel distressed. ...
Such videos and news seem to be used to it now. Parents think that we do this for the good of our children, so that they can finish their homework and learn to count.
But in fact, these things will deeply hurt the parent-child relationship. All relationships in the world can be cut off with a knife, only family ties are forged by chains, and it is difficult for us to escape the fetters of blood all our lives.
Some people have been healing their childhood all their lives, while others have been cured by childhood all their lives. Douban once had a group called "parents are evil", who would have expected that their children would hate their parents so much.
Accept yourself and accept your children.
Back to ourselves, can we really say that our love for children is unconditional? We always want our children to be smart, cute and sensible, but if a 4-year-old child keeps being smart and sensible and always follows the instructions of adults, I am afraid it is also a worrying thing.
What we really need to do is really accept ourselves and others. Acceptance does not mean connivance. Acceptance means being able to truly see others and help them in time. Indulgence is blindly ignoring and avoiding problems.
When we can accept children's true emotions and thoughts and understand their anger, jealousy, anxiety and grievances, children's emotions will inevitably have an outlet. Otherwise, the negative energy in the body will inevitably erupt after accumulating to a certain extent, either hurting yourself or hurting others.
Don't be scared by the true appearance of children, don't be scared by your true appearance, don't dream of getting a perfect child, and don't dream of becoming a perfect parent.
We just need to be a real flesh-and-blood parent, a safe harbor to shelter our children from the wind and rain, and a reservoir to accept their emotions.
Learn to accept children, and more importantly, accept yourself. We don't need to be sure of ourselves. We just need to reconcile with ourselves in life and become an adult who is emotionally stable and gives help to children in time.
When a child cries when something happens, what we should do is not to accuse them of weakness, but to wipe his tears and hug him until he calms down and tell us the reason.
It may be bullied by other children, so we need to tell our children how to stall each other with momentum and practice basic defensive measures at home so that children can protect themselves next time.
Maybe they cry because they can't do anything beyond their ability. What we need to do is to find the children's recent development areas and let them gradually achieve their goals.
What the famous marshmallow experiment really wants to tell us may not be the ability of children to delay enjoyment, but why those children have the ability to delay enjoyment. Do we know that trusting the experimenter is also a very important factor in this experiment?
Teachers in early education institutions say that they are inattentive and introverted, but perhaps those teachers don't know that attention can be divided into stimulus-driven attention and controlled attention, and social development can be divided into non-social games, parallel games, joint games and cooperative games.
As nurturers, we should be less hearsay, more acceptance and understanding of children, and also need to keep a learning heart to avoid going astray in scientific parenting.
Parenting is not only to learn from the popular parenting articles on WeChat official account, but also to find the answers suitable for every parent from professional children's psychological development books or books written by professionals.
The initial intention of raising children may not be to make them great people, but to hope that they can grow into people who can think independently, understand others and live a happy and healthy life.
In the case that the external system is not perfect and the social environment may not be friendly enough, what we can do is to provide a supportive, gentle and firm parenting style as much as possible, so that children can think of their parents in the most difficult time, instead of always trying to seek help from the Internet or even taking extreme measures.
There is darkness in human nature, but if we care more, support more and accept more, will there be less darkness?