The first stage: parenting is the first step.
The so-called "preparing for a rainy day" means doing your homework before giving birth to a baby from the perspective of parenting.
However, three years after marriage, I was urged by my husband's seven aunts and eight aunts to have children before I got pregnant, so I never thought about parenting. In the third trimester, I was puzzled when I thought that my educational concept was different from my husband's. Yes! Take care of dad first, then grandpa! So, I immediately went to seek help from family education.
I looked around and found a book "Early Education Revolution" by Feng Dequan. After reading the introduction, I quickly placed an order. But, how to deal with a person? Are you kidding? This guy is an ideological and political student. Maybe he will "but he will be dead before he can conquer" and turn against him first.
Strike first is strong! One night, while he was in high spirits, I held a book "affectionately" and said, "I made a long-term investigation, and this book is quite good. Can we study together? " Then blow up its benefits.
Reluctantly, he turned over a few pages and said, "See for yourself!"
"Parents' educational concepts are inconsistent, which is not good for children! Besides, as a father, you are very important! Can I read it to you? "I put a piece of candy in it and then take a step back.
"It doesn't matter! How long? "
"Ten minutes before going to bed every day!"
"ah! Too long! "
"Five minutes?"
Deal! Hehe, the "face effect" is well applied. Give yourself a compliment! The lamb to be slaughtered just fell into the trap I designed!
From that day on, I read with him for five minutes every day. This fellow knew well, and when he found the pit, he shouted and read it for three minutes. Well, three points is three points! After a while, I don't even want to listen for three minutes!
What shall we do? Hey, I have an idea! I discussed with him that we could listen to the CD attached to the book for a few minutes while the TV series was still on at dinner every day. Other teachers speak better than mine.
This move is extremely effective! He shut up after hearing it for the first time and took the initiative to discuss it with me from time to time.
-two people finally united front! Hey, hey, the first step succeeded!
When the parents come, the gentle mother-in-law naturally has nothing to say about raising children, but the father-in-law has a lot of ideas. He has always been confident in educating his children. What should we do?
I did it again. Don't you object to my concept of parenting? It doesn't matter, you continue to eat melons, and we will continue to sing folk songs! Every time my husband sits at the dinner table, I turn on the computer, and my father-in-law has finished eating, either going out for a walk or going back to the bedroom to listen to his Shaanxi opera with headphones. The north and south of the home are transparent, and Mr. Feng's gas-filled voice floats back and forth between several rooms ...
Suddenly one day, my father-in-law didn't leave after dinner, so he put down his headphones and listened attentively!
I'm secretly happy, but I'm still expressionless on the surface. Sure enough, after more than ten minutes, he took the initiative to talk to us about the lecture and said it was really good! After a while, he no longer strongly rejected my parenting philosophy.
On another occasion, I was introduced by a friend to attend a lecture at Ba Xueyuan. I feel good after coming down all morning. Call your husband at noon and beg him to go. He came by car for an hour under my soft and hard foam. When I got home at night, my father-in-law asked me what I had learned. Hey! I'm all thumbs. I stutter when I open my mouth. Embarrassed, my husband unexpectedly came uninvited and talked to Kan Kan in front of his father ... I was ecstatic and wanted this effect!
Haha, the second step succeeded!
I thought things could develop at such a perfect pace, but I didn't expect an oolong incident to make everything completely back to its original shape.
One day, at my instigation, my husband and father-in-law accompanied me to the lecture. After arriving at the scene, we sat in the first row because the seats were almost full. As soon as the teacher spoke, he even went straight to children's sex education. He also used movies as material and performed many "hot" scenes. All these make it hard for me to accept, and I am on pins and needles, not to mention my father-in-law who has stuck to traditional ideas all my life! From the beginning to the end of the first half, my father-in-law blushed, didn't look at the screen, and buried his head deeply between his legs to hide his embarrassment. As soon as he got to the rest place, he ran out for air and never came in again!
Later, I learned that it was not only this wonderful class that screwed up, but also my father-in-law's trust and acceptance of my related parenting concept. He complained a lot about my idea and even had a fierce conflict. For example, children are sticky to their mothers when they are about one year old. I have to say hello to him before I go to work. Of course, every time he cries, I will comfort him. The old man couldn't stand the child's crying and let me lie down and slip away. But I think separation anxiety is a normal reaction of children, and lying to him will cause harm, so I have always insisted on my own opinion. Once, less than half a minute after I calmed my son down, I heard a severe reprimand and the child suddenly cried: "If you cry again, I will throw you outside!" " "When I rushed to the door, the closed door and my crying son standing helplessly outside the door instantly tore up my mother's heart and rushed in and had a big fight with my father-in-law. Although we made up later, the rift between us in parenting became deeper and deeper.
And my husband gradually refused to listen to my "command" and still went his own way. I gradually realized: husband or father-in-law, it is better to transform others alone!
The first stage, to sum up, is called "parenting first (father)" and ends in fiasco!
The second stage: parenting self-study "technique"
After solo, I also read a few books, including those of teachers such as Montessori, Sun Ruixue, Li Yueer and Yin Jianli. Occasionally, I read some articles and listened to several lectures, sometimes useful and sometimes useless. I have also come into contact with some traditional cultures and found that they hold their own words, and the war of words on the Internet is very enjoyable. As far as my family is concerned, my "West" and my husband's "China" are always at war, and the children are caught in the middle, which is naturally very painful.
In this way, I struggled for a year or two until An Deyu got out of the "situation"-the first semester of the middle class, his state was very bad, and the teacher's feedback often worried me; In the second semester, he seriously resisted sending the garden.
When I calmed down and looked at myself, I realized that my son's state had a lot to do with me. At that time, I was not good at management, and I just attended the smartest and most energetic class in the whole grade. Five or six of the most naughty children are very clever. Although I got help from my master later, I still felt very tired and upset. I'm exhausted at work, and it's hard to face my son who is in the transition period of primary and secondary schools and needs his mother's wholehearted company when I get home. If a mother has no strength, she can't give strength to her children.
In the process, I also gradually realized:
First, at the beginning of parenting, I brought the whole family into partnership, seemingly for the sake of children and their families, but actually manipulating and transforming them. No one likes to be lectured, denied or reformed. So it will be resisted.
Second, "University" begins by saying: "Everything has its origin, and everything has its beginning and end. If you know the order, you will find a shortcut." Compared with "child care" and "royal husband" (family planning), "self-cultivation" is closer to "foundation" I didn't even do my homework well, but I ran to the end. Of course, I got nothing!
Third, the old saying goes: "There is no skill in the Tao, and skills are still available; There is no way to stop at surgery. " I am obsessed with learning parenting skills, but I neglect to cultivate myself-Tao, which is another kind of "putting the cart before the horse". I have no bottom in my heart, and I will naturally be confused in the face of various parenting skills.
Therefore, the second stage-self-study "technique" also declared bankruptcy. After learning from a painful experience, I decided to let go of my husband and his obsession with "art" and transform myself first.
The third stage: parenting is "self-change"
In the third stage, I began to devote myself to personal growth, and the core was to transform myself: I persisted in meditation, read books and articles on growth, participated in workshops, and even had psychological counseling; From the mother's point of view, I also tried to change my attitude towards children.
The situation is getting better, but I also find that once I lose my energy or feel bad, my extreme denial will come back; Not only that, but this situation will also affect husbands and children. Because denying yourself is too painful, you will take it out on them.
Until one day, I finally found out that "reinventing myself" was still competing with myself. If I don't accept myself, it will be more difficult to accept and recognize my family and children.
Because all external conditions are moods.
At least on the level of consciousness, I finally let go of my dream of "transformation"!
The fourth stage: parenting first.
I hit the wall again and again until I was hit on the head, and I gradually understood the true meaning of the proverb "parenting first"
From the perspective of psychoanalysis, family background has shaped our character to a great extent, and character determines our destiny, so family has a profound influence on everyone. The younger a child is, the greater this influence is, and the most important period is the first six years after birth.
However, because many parents are not ready to raise their children psychologically, and because of various subjective and objective factors, infants and young children often encounter various obstacles and damages in their personality development, so their psychological development will stay at different stages. Many people, including me, have grown up on the surface, but the development level of some psychological aspects of personality is still stagnant in infancy, which is the psychological "trauma". People who grow up with psychological trauma, once they encounter a situation similar to childhood, will unconsciously start the relationship model that has already been internalized, so that the trauma can reappear; Once you have children, the intergenerational transmission of this trauma will be more obvious, forming a magical reincarnation. This is why our own most annoying problems will appear on children, and they will always touch our strongest emotions.
The so-called "growth" and "self-cultivation" are to raise our inner children, develop from those stagnant stages, and gradually develop the mature personality that adults should have. The core of parenting is "love"-that is, watching, raising and collecting. Through such full nourishment, my mother is confident in the sunshine, relaxed and open-minded, and finally can achieve herself; Influenced by the mother, children will naturally relax and live in rich joy. My friend Doudou's mother is a mother with two children. Besides taking care of the baby at work, she hasn't given up what she loves. She insists on studying and practicing painting whenever she has time. You can feel the inner softness and strength of this woman from her paintings! I think, seeing my mother love something so much and devote herself to it wholeheartedly, as a child, she will be moved by her mother, and she has set a good growth example for the children!
My friend's exercises have been authorized.
Because you see yourself, you can really see children, husbands and others. I gradually found that as a father, my husband has many valuable qualities: responsibility, patience, carefulness, thoughtfulness and childlike innocence ... but at the beginning, I was so blind only because I was self-righteous. Be yourself, at the same time keep the border, allow children and husbands to be themselves, even if there are occasional problems, they will be solved quickly, and family relations will become more and more healthy and harmonious.
One morning before six o'clock, my son got up and asked me to read comic books to him, but I was going to the toilet. He cried discontentedly, woke his sleeping father, and cried even more after being criticized. In the past, I would say it one by one. This time, instead of blaming my father, I took my son to an empty room, held him in my arms, and waited patiently for him to cry enough before studying with him. Because of the full release of emotions, my son can finally smile through tears. Later, my father came to join in the fun, which not only avoided a war, but also brought us closer.
I finally understand that there is no such thing as "transformation"-transforming my husband, my in-laws, my children and even myself. The so-called "parenting" can only be achieved by respecting, watching, accepting, loving and being yourself first, and then respecting and accepting children and others to make them look like live high.
Jung, a master psychologist, said to his students before his death: "You should never try to change others! All you can do is like the sun, just give off your light and heat. Everyone has a different reaction to sunlight. Some people feel warm, some people feel dazzling, and some people even choose to avoid it. There were no signs before the seeds broke ground and germinated, because they didn't arrive at that time. Only you are your own savior. "
I'm impressed.
Postscript: It is estimated that I can insist on seeing here, and many friends who want "dry goods" will shout loudly that they are cheated! I just hope that everyone can avoid the mistakes I made and the "detours" I took. Of course, "All roads lead to Rome", and there is a broader avenue waiting for everyone to explore.
For more than six years, I have touched so many walls and taken so many detours. I am still an ordinary mother and my son is still an ordinary baby. Even in the eyes of others, we still have "many problems". But after this process, I gradually feel that my heart is getting smoother and more transparent, and my family relationship is getting healthier and more harmonious. On the material level, we give our children very little; I only hope that by repairing and cultivating myself, I can water his tender heart buds with warmth and sight as much as possible, so that he can still believe in the beauty of the world and life in the next few decades, even if the road ahead is difficult and bumpy!
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