"My mother-in-law doesn't want to stay in Guangzhou and wants to take her children back to her hometown in the countryside, but her mother doesn't want to be separated from her children. In her words, worrying about children's separation anxiety is on the one hand. My mother-in-law doesn't know how to raise children and is worried about rural health. However, if you don't agree with your mother-in-law, you have to bear the burden. My mother-in-law and husband asked me to resign and go home to take care of the children. I can support my family, my house, my children by myself, and the family pressure is very great. I hope my mother-in-law can stay and keep the public security in mind, but my husband is very angry, saying that all their families are by my side, sacrificing for me and insisting that I resign. We had a few fights about it. What do you think I should do? "
Hani's mother's help sparked a heated discussion among the group of friends. Everyone gave her advice. However, behind these thoughts, many people are in the same state as Hani's mother. On the question of "who will take care of the children", most people are entangled in how to coordinate the contradictions between adults, rather than seeing the real needs of children and the responsibilities and boundaries of parenting education. Dealing with the problem in this way, even if the contradiction can be temporarily controlled, has endless hidden dangers. One day, forbearance, dissatisfaction and complaints from all sides will break out. At that time, the contradiction will evolve to the point of irretrievable. Who will be the most injured? It's a child!
The trick of group friends
Pick up my father-in-law and mother-in-law, or pick up my hometown, and often call my children.
What happened to Tong Tong's mother was similar to that of Hani's mother. "My grandmother can't see my father-in-law in a bad mood, and now both of them have come to Guangzhou. Although my father-in-law's living habits are out of step, I have no choice for my children. " She said that although she felt uncomfortable, she had to admit that the elderly also needed their own lives. "My mother will go back to her house at the weekend and say that this is the real rest. So you can't stop your mother-in-law from going back unless you hire a nanny or ask her to take it back for a few months. My daughter was taken by the old man for a while and began to miss her very much, but after a week or two, she got used to it and could contact by phone or video. "
The couple took a vacation to take care of the children and let their mother-in-law go home to rest.
Kexin's mother said that she met her mother-in-law when she was determined to go home. Once, the baby was 3 months old. She was on maternity leave, so she brought her own. Later, another time, my mother-in-law wanted to go home and take care of her children. This time, the lovely mother and husband took turns taking vacations to take care of the children. She thinks it is human nature that her in-laws want to go back to their home. If you want to do their ideological work, you'd better discuss it with your husband and let them communicate. Of course, we must first understand the mother-in-law's thoughts. "If she just wants to go home and have a look, then let's see if her unit can take time off."
Don't force parents, it's your responsibility to take care of the children themselves.
Yan Yan's mother belongs to a relatively independent personality. She thinks it her duty to take care of the children. "It is of course good that my father-in-law, mother-in-law, father and mother can help, and I will remember their kindness; If I don't want to, I won't be angry or bear grudges. The old man has worked hard all his life and can do whatever he wants. I will ask the nanny (or hourly worker) for help. " Aunt Yan said that her own problems should be solved by herself. "There will always be a way. Try harder and get through these two years."
Father Wu also prefers parents to take care of their children themselves. He said that this way, children's eating health, living habits and early education will be more secure. Children are healthy and active, so parents don't have to worry about getting sick and studying. From an economic point of view, although parents earn less, they save not only medical expenses and sponsorship fees for future schooling, but also cultivate good children, and parents will be proud in the future.
Expert review
It doesn't matter who you leave your child with, but what the child really wants is a mother!
Hani's mother's confusion, in the eyes of ordinary people, is only a matter of family relationship coordination. As long as we discuss it, we will always understand each other. But is this really the solution to the problem? Looking at the situation in real life, you will find that mutual understanding is often just a good wish. Everyone has their own needs, and children's needs are the least seen and valued.
Chenchen, a senior tutor of family education in public welfare alliance of Happiness Society, said that Hani's mother is determined to keep her children with her and doesn't want them to have separation anxiety, which is of course a good idea. Many people know that before the age of 3, it is the most important period for children to build a sense of security. During this time, children need the close companionship of their parents, and it is best not to be separated for a long time. However, can I leave the children to you and give them to the elderly all day? No.
1. Clear boundaries: children are parents, and the elderly have no responsibility to support them.
Whose child is this? It belongs to parents, not to the elderly. For this boundary, many mothers are not clear, and it is easy to have disputes and contradictions with the elderly. The crux of the problem is that mothers don't understand the meaning of having children. It's not simply for carrying on the family line, nor for the family to achieve the so-called "integrity", but for the couple to undertake something: when we become parents, we will really understand what responsibility is!
As soon as a child is born, the mother's responsibility is far greater than that of the father, because in every child's life, the mother is the most important. In Japan, the government stipulates that mothers can't go to work until their children reach the age of 3, because it is very important for mothers to accompany their children at this age wholeheartedly. The strength and courage of Japanese children are also related to such training. In China, young mothers often take care of their children while working. Due to work pressure and physical and mental fatigue, the time and quality of accompanying children are often far from enough, and sometimes they even get tired of getting along with children. Isn't this result contrary to the original intention of taking good care of children?
2. See your role clearly. Is it more important to be a strong woman or a mother?
Teacher Chen emphasized the issue of "role" in the interview. Since ancient times, the roles of husband and wife in the family have been clearly defined. However, many independent, independent and strong modern working mothers are not convinced. Why should I compromise? Why can't I pursue career progress? Yes, women hold up half the sky and make great achievements in their work. However, behind the busy mother, there must be neglected children.
"Hard-working mothers are also anxious and nervous." Chenchen said that before she came into contact with parents and family education, she also thought that work was an important way for a woman to show her personal potential. When she saw the children's needs through psychological study, she felt that she had to make a choice. "After having children, we are mothers first. We must do a good job in this role and assume the responsibilities and obligations of this role, so that the family can be stable and the children can grow up healthily and happily. " She said it's okay to throw the child to anyone, but who does the child really need? It's mom! Therefore, it is an important choice for mothers to accept "children are the most important" instead of their own jobs.
You want to spend more time with your children, but you can't afford the time. You just pretend to "work hard"
Speaking of choice, the dilemma is coming again. Mothers often say that they are willing to do anything for their children and hope to spend more time with them and stay with them. However, counting the time spent with children every day, many working mothers are actually pitiful. "People often make mistakes and want to go to the East, but in the end they go to the West. The same is true for working mothers. They want to spend more time with their children, but have they really worked hard for this? " Chenchen said that many mothers say how much they love their children and do anything for them, but deep down, they are actually unwilling to face their children, because it will make them see a painful childhood, and they can't accept the pain, so they always escape and shirk. This contradiction between desire and action is actually the division of mother's role.
"This kind of division will not only hurt children, but also cause psychological loneliness, pain and even irritability, high fever, rash and other physical obstacles, and will also affect marriage." Chenchen said that mothers should put their love for their children into action, not talk and think. Of course, you don't have to be a full-time mother, but as a gentleman, you express your dissatisfaction with your wife: "Now you don't even concentrate half your energy on family and children, how can I recognize you and care about you?" As a working mother, I really need to reflect on it. Can you strike a balance between work and children so that children can feel their mother's love in their actions?