In the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, why does mother-in-law always take the "fierce" side and leave no false news for her daughter-in-law? Experts believe that this phenomenon is caused by a healthy mother-child relationship. Is there any basis for this statement? It seems that how to deal with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but also to master the mentality of mother-in-law, in order to balance the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. What factors make her mother-in-law have such a psychological set? Think that when a son gets married, he will stay away from his mother, just like losing his beloved son? What are the core factors that affect the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? From the psychological point of view, "healthy mother-child relationship" is the key to "mother-in-law-daughter relationship". According to developmental psychology, a healthy mother-child relationship will experience "secondary separation". The first separation was "the birth of a child". The happiest time for a woman is to know the moment of pregnancy, conceive in October and have a baby, so that a woman can experience the transition from a girl to a woman. When the child is in the mother's belly, it is integrated with the mother. When a child is born into this world, from physical development to psychological development, the child's "self-awareness" is gradually budding and growing, and there are two "rebellious periods". This is the "first separation" between mother and son. As a result of the "first separation", children have changed from relying solely on their mothers to exploring the world independently, trying to get rid of their mothers' intervention and be as independent as possible. If the first separation is successful, it will be a win-win situation for both the mother and the children: in addition to taking care of the children, the mother will take herself as the center and still pursue her emotions, career and growth; Children can develop themselves freely. If the "first separation" is unsuccessful, it will lead to the phenomenon of "emotional attachment" and "interdependence" between mother and son. Especially the mother's own psychological immaturity or emotional setbacks, such as divorce, single parent, husband betrayal, family changes and so on. May cause mothers to focus on their children and concentrate on their every move. Such mothers are emotionally unbalanced and love their children too much, thus giving them more pressure and expectations. The child is also in pain. Facing a "perfect" and "strict" mother, it is easy to develop an "attachment personality" or "withdrawal personality"-lying in the mother's arms and not wanting to grow up. The "first separation" laid the groundwork for the children's "second separation"-getting married and starting a family. If the first separation is unsuccessful, the mother will feel abandoned by the child after the child gets married (from the beginning of love), and the child will also have "wedding anxiety"-not adapting to the married life, and even subconsciously expecting his wife to be both a wife and a mother. This is a very dangerous signal! The mother wants to go back to the past when her son was only attached to her, but the reality does not allow her to behave in a "degenerate way"-changeable, sensitive and fragile. In fact, the psychological demand of mother's "behavior degradation" is "son's attention"! It can be seen that the role of son is very important in how to deal with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. This is not only a problem between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but also a "triangular relationship". Grasp the mother's attachment and tolerance to her son. When dealing with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the son should also play his role properly, be a good "arbitrator" and keep the family warm and harmonious. How can the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live in harmony? 2 1. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is obscure and lasting, and family conflicts are common because of raising babies, but it is not as convenient as the relationship between husband and wife. Therefore, the new father should "make a splash", take the initiative to assume the responsibility of dealing with family relations, be good at "muddling along" and "settle" all this with his own wisdom. No matter how busy you are at ordinary times, you should take time to talk with your baby's mother and grandmother, listen to their different ideas and attitudes, and adjust their relationship flexibly to prevent them from having psychological problems, because everyone is doing it for the baby's good. If the father ignores the education of the baby as a "housework" done by women, then the contradiction in Separate child care cannot be smoothly communicated and resolved, and not only the family relationship will be affected, but also the healthy development of the baby will be affected. 2. learn from each other. Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live in different times and environments, have different life, education and cultural backgrounds, have different understandings of educational concepts, educational contents and methods, and have all had successful educational experiences. The mother-in-law successfully raised her son, and the daughter-in-law successfully completed her educational experience. Therefore, the successful memory model in the past will affect the education of the baby. However, what and how to educate the baby is a new topic for two generations, and no one can be too confident. Two generations of parents need to learn scientific early education knowledge, discuss and try equally, and be good at absorbing each other's advantages in order to give their babies the best education. 3. Be psychologically prepared for the new changes in family relations. "It is a kind of wealth to have an old man at home." This is a feeling expressed by many working families in modern times. For the sake of the next generation, grandparents went to their children's homes to raise their grandchildren, so that young parents could have no worries and concentrate on their careers. This is a beautiful scenery after China entered an aging society. At the same time, the small family has become a big family, and the family relationship is complex, especially the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, which lacks the understanding and communication basis for long-term coexistence. Psychological relationship is complex, subtle and obscure, which will be reflected in the attitude and behavior towards the baby. If the baby before the age of 3 lives in a safe, stable and warm physical and psychological environment, he will gain a sense of trust in the world and grow up physically and mentally, otherwise, the baby's body and mind will be adversely affected. Family harmony is the foundation of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Intergenerational family education requires skilled family members to get along with each other. Some old sayings are excellent products, such as "respecting the old and loving the young", "teaching children face to face, teaching their wives behind their backs" and "teaching children face to face and advising them behind their backs". In a closer look, the condensed' connotation' of these words is quite rich, and it does have significant benefits, because it has the function of regulating' home and everything'. Because intergenerational education involves many family members, the psychological relationship between people is complicated. If there are psychological barriers, it is not conducive to a consistent and harmonious family education for infants. Therefore, to do a good job of intergenerational parenting, it is necessary to take "home and everything" as the basis, and the warm and coordinated "popularity" of the whole family is conducive to the healthy emotional and psychological development of the baby. 5. Adapting to the baby's own development, the baby's temperament has innate differences. If the baby is born well-raised, then the new mother is very blessed, and the baby's circadian rhythm is more regular and more adaptable; For babies who are naturally difficult to raise, their parents are physically and mentally exhausted, their lives are irregular, they are easily excited, and they often cry and are difficult to appease, which often makes their parents very emotional. Therefore, difficult-to-raise babies put forward higher requirements for their parents. He asked caregivers to be patient, sensitive and adapt to his needs slowly, so as to adapt to the outside world smoothly. If the caregiver trains the baby according to the rules and regulations in the book, or according to his own needs and ideas, then the result must be "obedient children can't teach." It can be seen that education is not everything. For a newborn baby, we must first conform to his "self-development outline". Of course, the old people's experience of "crying freely" is also very dangerous. They don't know that the baby has been a "person" since the age of zero. They have not only physical needs, but also psychological needs. Letting the baby cry for help without responding will make the baby establish a bad psychological reaction and ultimately affect his physical and mental health. How can the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law live in harmony? Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law often emphasize the truth on one side and the feelings they deserve on the other, which leads to dissatisfaction on both sides. Social psychology research has found that China people will adopt two-dimensional standards when classifying various interpersonal relationships. One dimension is the role distance between two people in a relationship, and the other dimension is the balance between the exchange of true feelings and the performance of obligations between two people in a relationship. In family relations, parent-child relationship is a kind of blood relationship, and parents and children are connected by blood. Parent-child relationship is particularly important in China culture with father and son as the axis. But the relationship between husband and wife, between brothers and sisters will be less important. For everyone, these relationships are innate or fixed by role identification. So we have formed our own differences in the emotional expression of these relationships. In addition, in addition to the role of identity, when two people communicate constantly in daily life, they will form gratitude and resentment, as well as likes and dislikes of a person. For example, when we admire our father, we will admire him because of his personality. In addition to a child's respect for his father, there is also an evaluation that transcends blood relationship. This is "true love". Generally speaking, in family life, because family members are not only closely related by blood, but also close friends, they get along with each other day and night, and at the same time have the closest due affection and the purest true feelings. Men and women who were originally not related by blood and were "not a family" entered a family because of love, which was mainly driven by "true love". Marriage brings not only husband and wife relations, but also a series of family relations. The bride is caught in a network and needs to be dealt with in all aspects. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is one of the more important relationships. As for the daughter-in-law, she seldom contacts with her in-laws before marriage, so she has a real affection for her husband, but only for her in-laws and other members of her in-laws. Due affection is just an emotion defined according to the role, such as fatherly love and filial piety, brotherhood and fraternal respect in traditional ethics. Because this obligation is only an obligation, it is easy to be insincere or perfunctory. The daughter-in-law will think that there is no friendship between us. You didn't raise me. Because I am married, I will take care of you in every possible way. I haven't had time to honor my parents. I'm glad to be able to do this now. My mother-in-law will think that you are a family when you come in and out of my house. You should be like a daughter-in-law! One side emphasizes the true feelings, while the other side emphasizes the deserved feelings, and both sides are not satisfied. When mother-in-law and daughter-in-law confuse the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, they will gradually become dissatisfied because the other party can't meet their expectations. However, the daughter-in-law who complains about her mother-in-law or the mother-in-law who complains about her daughter-in-law often ignores the phenomenon that the relationship between their mother and daughter must be better than that between their mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. People who are regarded by their daughter-in-law as "evil mothers-in-law" are fond of their daughters. In the eyes of daughters, "mother" and "maiden" are irreplaceable emotional harbors. On the other hand, a daughter-in-law who is considered ungrateful by her mother-in-law always misses and cares for her mother. When a mother-in-law sees her daughter-in-law marry her son and walk into her home, she will instinctively form an expectation that her daughter-in-law should treat herself like her daughter and son. But daughter-in-law often can't do this, just because of the lack of "true love". Daughter-in-law changed her name to "mom" after marriage, and instinctively compared her mother-in-law's behavior with her own mother, forming the expectation that her mother-in-law should be like her mother. When the two sides confuse the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, they often have dissatisfaction because the other side can't meet their expectations. After the discontent appears, both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will have a kind of attribution bias, that is, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will never become a mother-daughter relationship. A mother-in-law said, "No matter how good you are to her, she will not be your daughter." Daughter-in-law is more likely to say, "Which daughter-in-law is raised by her mother-in-law? How can she treat me as well as her daughter! " They don't know how to look at each other's emotions and personalities through their mother-daughter relationship and understand each other's true feelings. If true feelings are exchanged for true feelings, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will certainly become a new emotional pillar of family relations, just like the relationship between mother and daughter. "Separation" is becoming more and more common, and the position of the husband-wife axis in the social structure is rising, but the father-son axis still has an important position. In the traditional society, after a woman marries her husband, it is already a basin of spilled water for her family. Change the name, or keep only the maiden name, and become "Wang Lishi" or "Zhang Liushi", or add the husband's surname in front of the name, and become a supporting role in the axis of the husband and son. Mother's family is no longer her home, and it is restricted to reveal the true feelings of her parents' retirement, and her husband's family is not her home, so it is not easy to reveal the true feelings to strangers. Therefore, the daughter-in-law is in a humble position, and it will take decades to become her mother-in-law, and her husband's family will eventually be her own. Modern urban youth generally do not live with their parents after marriage, and it is more and more common for rural youth to live alone after marriage. In this way, the married daughter-in-law has three homes with different meanings-maiden, in-law and maiden. My family is based on husband and wife, and it is true love, not blood relationship, that maintains the relationship between husband and wife. The husband's family is her husband's maiden, and her maiden is her own. Some married women always put family first, parents second and husbands third. Some married men put family first, mother's family second and wife's family third. This is the root of some marital conflicts. The reason why many couples quarrel is often "If your mother is a mother, isn't my mother a mother?" Please arrange the order in the same order as yourself. This reflects that in today's social changes, although the status of the husband-wife axis in the family has risen, the father-son axis still has a very important value position in us. In real life, we see two ways to coordinate the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. One is that if the husband and wife have deep feelings, the wife will regard her husband's maiden as her own and her husband's parents as her own; The same is true for husbands, who regard their in-laws as their parents and their in-laws as their family. The other is that if the husband and wife have deep feelings, they should respect each other's value recognition of their parents and families, experience each other's deep affection between father and son, and consider and handle things from each other's standpoint. Although these two ideas are somewhat different, they can better coordinate the contradiction between husband and wife caused by the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.