Is there: paying unrequited and unconditional love, meeting children's various needs, and doing our best to give children the best conditions and resources; Wisdom, hard work, lead by example, tolerance, acceptance, forbearance, strength, happiness, set an example for children or sacrifice their own interests. ...
Is there a problem with these?
Mom is the identity, and a good mother is the label.
The function of tags is to identify and define. With this label, women are defined. Behind the definition are collective * * * and default indicators. Use these indicators to measure the value of "mother" identity and judge the person "mother". Being a mother, but not up to everyone's standards for a good mother, seems to be very ashamed of this identity, and I feel ashamed to be a mother in vain. What's wrong with it? If something goes wrong with the child, it's the culprit.
When defined by labels, what will people do and how to be a mother?
I have tried to be such a "good mother". In retrospect, my efforts:
In terms of body care, I bought those classic parenting books in my infancy, from England and Japan. Breastfeeding and sleep habit cultivation; Try to give children natural and additive-free healthy food; Kindergarten classes learn swimming and participate in sports training classes;
Pay attention to intellectual development and skill training: all kinds of toys and teaching to develop intelligence have been available since childhood; Go to an early education institution; Piano, go, mental arithmetic ...
Pay attention to physical and mental health: create happiness, meet needs, spend as much time as possible, and basically stay at home after work. When I was a child, I asked the picture book to accompany my homework and restrain myself. I also took a book while he was doing his homework. Know that you can't put too much pressure on your child and try to relax. Right? These are the basic operations of Baba Ma.
The basic operation is broken.
Because I believe that to be a good mother, all the time and energy have to be paid, okay? Shopping? Finally, I had a complete weekend to play with my children and go shopping. Going out to eat is mainly for children. Take care of them first and help yourself to something to eat. After all, they have eaten enough food. My annual leave is dedicated to the baby first, and the strategy is only suitable for parent-child travel.
When you believe that you want to be a "good mother", you have to bear the hard work and pressure yourself. Even after work, drive back to the parking lot and sit in the car for ten minutes before going home. Because I won't have time for myself after I go back.
Pay should be, efforts should be, and injustice should not be.
We are all women in the new era, where can we devote ourselves to our children? Such a mother is not a good mother in the new era. I also want to take care of my work, and then try to meet my girlfriends, and try not to talk about milk powder, diapers, social hotspots and entertainment gossip, so as to keep pace with the times, but I still memorized the post on the forum secretly comparing milk powder from several countries; It's awesome to be exhausted but act effortless.
A good mother can't be weak, and it's useless if she can't do it.
Why be a "good mother"?
Modern women are full of firepower and become good mothers of 24k gold. The greatest satisfaction comes not from children, but from recognition, which is widely recognized by the surrounding environment and public environment. It is good to realize that you are capable.
Those standards are public standards. Why should mothers refer to them? Because I'm afraid I'm different.
It's different. What will happen?
Afraid of being said and accused, be the most incompetent and useless person.
I'm afraid I won't be liked, I'm afraid I won't be needed, I'm afraid I'm worthless, I'm afraid I'll be looked down upon.
Not that you can't pay for your children. The core lies in whether you have paid injustice and whether you have the intention of being recognized when you do it. Grievance is necessary. Why do you have to? What will happen if you don't do this? What you are really worried about is what will happen.
Why not be a "good mother"?
Because it's really bad. When the flag of "good mother" is held high, the flags of "good wife", "good daughter", "good wife" and "good woman" are also raised behind. There are a lot of standards and requirements behind each label, like a heavy shell, which makes people breathless. How should they face life calmly and happily?
This "good mother" is faith, and the standards set by faith can never be fully realized. No matter how much you do, it is not enough. Once you can't meet the standard, you will attack yourself "I'm not a good mother". This is a kind of belief, doomed to failure, 24k gold is not shiny enough.
Some mothers make their own snacks for health; Other mothers are tyrants with all kinds of self-discipline; See how other mothers balance career and family; It's a pity that I can't do what other mothers can do for their children; There's nothing wrong with me cooking breakfast (what's more, I seldom cook breakfast, which is even more embarrassing). Other mothers can praise their cooking in the circle of friends ... You see, other mothers can raise their children so well-finally, Wang Fried is compared.
When you believe in being a good mother, there must always be a voice criticizing you for not being a good mother. Every good mother's heart is full of grievances and sadness. I have been giving myself since I was pregnant, but no matter how much I give, there will still be voices saying that I am not a good mother. However, my mother spent almost all her life and gave her the best years.
Many times we heard a good mother crying: I am so tired, I can't be myself, I want to live for myself.
It's not that I don't love my children, nor that I don't want to pay, just want to be myself.
Being a good mother is a good and fair label. There is no doubt that it can only be achieved through hard work. When you pay too much and go against your true wishes, your inner self will feel indebted and unbalanced, and when the sense of gain does not match, it will form a regret in life. When children grow up and China is old, life regrets will appear, regretting that they didn't realize it and regretting that they didn't see themselves in this life.
At the same time, because there are quite a few behaviors against their true wishes, they will accumulate emotions, which will lead to an imbalance in the place where mothers should be responsible. Taking care of children's food, clothing, housing and transportation feels doubly hard, and their sense of giving is particularly strong, so there is a demand for high returns, which is like a bottomless pit. If you get it, you will not be satisfied. What about a happy and satisfied life?
Can't get the desired parent-child relationship and family relationship. Based on the "recognized" behavior, when the "recognized" needs are not realized, the efforts are not seen, and the degree of recognition you expect is not achieved, you are disgusted. The more you pay, the greater your expectations, the higher your needs, and the greater your chances of not being satisfied. You can't help complaining and eventually become the person you don't like.
Is this effort really happy?
Who is it for?
It is unfair to measure yourself by the results of your child's life, unfair to yourself and unfair to your child.
Being a "good mother" hopes that the child's health, career and other life outcomes will be good, but the child is an independent and complete consciousness. He controls his own life, decides how to realize his own life, and is responsible for his own life outcomes. Measuring yourself with results you shouldn't be aware of and you can't decide, of course, doesn't mean. If your child doesn't get what he wants, he will deeply blame himself and give himself unwarranted charges.
What else will you do for your children besides paying for them?
I feel ashamed or guilty when I think I have not been a good mother. Always want to make up for it when facing children. Seeing all kinds of "good" children, I feel that I have done it and I don't owe it.
When you see something "bad" in your child, you always want to help him and make him better and better-in other words, it is hard for you to accept that your child is not as good as you think.
Furthermore, when children fail to present their expected results, they will blame themselves for "I am not a good mother". The consequences of "not being a good mother" are terrible-the belief system will double all kinds of unbearable results, so in order to prevent these results from appearing, children will be required to realize their dreams and be the indicators that mothers aim at. I cook with my heart, and my children should eat well and grow well, not fat or thin; I spend money and time practicing the piano, so children should practice hard and practice to a high level; I pay so much, the child should have a decent job; I try my best to think of your happiness, so you should have a partner I admire ... otherwise, you will feel that "I am not a good mother" and you will bear the consequences of not being a good mother, and then blame the children for not doing it and force them to be their own standards.
So, being a "good mother" is to give the child the life he wants and give him the happiness he wants? Is it in line with the simplest original intention of being a mother?
When you are a "good mother", a gentle, willing to sacrifice and pay, children are willing to accept when they are young, but dare not refuse to accept when they grow up. When you sacrifice yourself, the child dare not feel his happiness, dare not go against your wishes, dare not let you down, dare not make you sad, and he will feel sorry for his mother. He can't afford it.
How many children are lucky enough to have overlapping interests and life visions with their mothers? When you sacrifice yourself, he can only sacrifice himself and dare not be himself. Is this satisfaction what you want?
Similarly, "good mother" can be replaced by "good father".
What should I do when I am not a "good mother"?
Just be a mother. Yes, instead of learning how to be a mother, we learn to be a "good mother" automatically.
Mom is the real simple mother.
When you are not a "good mother", you don't have to ask yourself to go against your true wishes and do what you want while taking into account the basic needs of your children;
When you are not a "good mother", you don't have so many needs and expectations, so you can treat your children's incompetence, impossibility and impossibility peacefully and accept their imperfections;
When we are not "good mothers", we don't ask them to be better. These standards in the eyes of others can be used. We will learn to set our own standards, find ourselves and realize ourselves.
When you are not a "good mother", you are not worried that you are not a good mother, but you dare to show your true self. I have limitations, I am not perfect, and I am beyond my power. Children dare to present their own truth and accept their incompetence, impossibility and imperfection.
When they are not "good mothers", they will not pay more and feel indebted. They get along equally, do not need to return, relax, realize each other and share with each other.
When you are not a "good mother", you will have a more intimate and relaxed parent-child relationship;
When you don't be a "good mother", you don't need to choose to be a full-time mother for the eyes and standards of others. You won't be depressed because of your choice. You will have your wisdom to make the most reassuring choice for yourself and your children.
When you are not a good mother, you don't need to be called "good" when you are a "mother". What you do is true and willing.
Learn to eliminate expectations beyond life itself, and then meet life, appreciate life, truly have a rich life, be grateful for the encounter with children in this life, and have no regrets.
Mom, I like you.
I like you too, son.