When you grow up, it's easy to be:

Can't feel emotions,

People who can't express their feelings.

All parents have to go through a trouble after sending their children to school, whether it is kindergarten or primary school.

Many children have been in school for a long time, gradually forgetting the "pain" of going to school, crying when they stop going to school, and even beginning to enjoy small group life.

However, there are still some "sensitive" children, who may have weak adaptability or emotional sensitivity, and still perform "crying farce" every day.

Presumably, many parents will be entangled. Should they comfort their children? Scold the child? Or bravely let go and let the children adjust themselves?

Regarding how to treat children crying, I emphasize an important fact with you today: don't limit children crying!

Is it full of doubts? Don't worry, take your time!

This dry goods prophet:

People with low emotional intelligence may not cry enough as children.

Parents are comforting on the surface, but secretly scold "why not?" Endless! "

A plan to treat children crying correctly.

After the emotional ups and downs, don't forget to bring your children back to life.

Last week, a fan asked a typical question:

"My child loves to cry, and he will cry if he doesn't agree.

Every time I cry, I am really sad. What should I do in the face of a crying child? "

My first reaction when I saw this question was-why not let the child cry? Moreover, the crying of children should be "encouraged"!

You must think this is a crazy idea. In fact, I also played the role of a fireman who "put out the fire" everywhere in my class before, comforting the crying children everywhere (I am a teacher).

But after reading a book, I have a brand-new understanding and feeling of the negative emotion represented by "crying", and I will share it with you today.

This beautiful god is Susan David. She worked as a lecturer at Harvard Medical School for 7 years and 0 1 1 month, and obtained a postdoctoral degree in psychology at Yale University.

Her best-selling book "Emotional Agility" made my eyes shine and completely changed my attitude towards "crying".

Explain the title of this book first. We all know that EQ represents a person's EQ. Susan David believes that a person's emotional intelligence has a very big determinant, that is, emotional agility? Emotional sensitivity.

What does this thing mean? When you are in love, your girlfriend tells you:

"I don't want it!"

"I'm not angry!"

"You go!" You can accurately judge-

? Does she want it or not?

? Are you angry or not?

? Should you go or not at this time?

The following cartoon was found on the internet, which can well explain what it is like to associate with people with low emotional sensitivity. Share it, Bojun. Smile.

When you have a baby and walk in the community, you will always meet such parents, who will gush out all the gorgeous words in the world to praise their children.

Until the atmosphere was so embarrassing that others began to interrupt impatiently, this person unconsciously pulled the topic back again and again. ...

And the mother who was kicked out by the group owner for airing her daughter Tsinghua's admission notice among her classmates.

We all call such people "low emotional intelligence" or "blind". But in fact, according to Susan David, EQ is only a result, and the fundamental reason is that this person's emotional sensitivity is insufficient.

What caused it,

When people perceive emotions,

Is it sensitive or slow?

Susan's explanation is:

It depends on the child's childhood.

When he needs to release his feelings,

Parents' attitude towards him,

Whether it's allowed or forbidden.

Susan said that the first reaction of most parents when they see their child crying is: "How to make him stop crying and become happy quickly".

She said that this practice is extremely unfavorable to the long-term development of children's emotional sensitivity and can only bring psychological satisfaction to parents in a short time.

I'm so touched. For example, when I was in the classroom, I was like a fireman. When I see a child start quarreling, or a child crying, I will immediately rush to put out the fire.

I have a clear goal in my mind, that is, "how to make them stop negative emotions quickly."

Actually, I made a mistake that many parents would make.

But it's hard to realize the mistake,

That is:

I am crying in my heart.

Labeled as "bad",

Instead of associating it with happiness, surprise and entanglement.

Treat it equally as an "ordinary" emotion.

Even if I say, "cry if you want, and you will feel comfortable after crying", my subconscious mind can't fool people, that is, I will have a very strong psychological expectation-

You give me quickly become happy;

Why are you still unhappy?

What else can I do to restore your calm?

Susan gave this mentality a special name:

Emotional helicopter (emotional helicopter)

I just hope that an emotion can disappear as quickly as taking a helicopter. So, the key is coming. What should we do if the child cries?

Many children are unwilling to brush their teeth. When they cry when they mention brushing their teeth, there is a mother's coping method on the internet, which makes people like it.

When the child didn't want to brush his teeth, his mother said, "Cry, it's more comfortable to cry ..." Then the child cried a few times and felt that his mood was exhausted, so he brushed his teeth.

From beginning to end, the mother let the child completely ease her emotions. In fact, this is a very correct solution to crying: encourage children to cry.

Parents need to change their attitude again. Crying is a "negative" emotion, but it is not a "bad emotion". We don't need to eliminate it.

Susan also said that if we interfere with children's emotional space too much, such as giving them a lot of advice, or trying to help them right away, it will make children lose a chance to help themselves.

In the long run, their emotional sensitivity will become very low, and their future emotional intelligence, getting along with themselves and communicating with others will also be affected.

I know this is difficult for many people, because the concept of "taking for granted" may have been deeply rooted in our hearts, and besides, "that's how we grew up!"

But fortunately, if we want to make some really beneficial changes to the next generation, we can always do it.

Susan's book is popular and praised because she not only puts forward an "anti-traditional" view, but also tells four key steps to help parents cultivate their children's emotional sensitivity. Let's study together!

Step 1: Feel it:

Let children feel emotions independently without adult intervention.

If you see that your child has emotions, please don't interfere with the judgment of adults first.

When many parents see their children jealous or crying, they will directly say, "What is there to be jealous of? There are many other toys at home" or "Don't cry, shame on you".

In fact, there are many subjective emotions in similar interventions, and the attitude of adults will weaken children's ability to truly feel their emotions, which will lead to depression or escape.

What parents need to do is,

Without prejudice,

Let the children taste for themselves:

Happy or sad,

Positive or negative,

There is no right or wrong emotion,

It's just a natural feeling from the heart.

Let the children feel it and accept it. This is the first step to cultivate children's emotional sensitivity, and it is the most important prerequisite for children to learn to get along with emotions and be their own emotional masters.

Step 2: Show:?

Let children express their emotions without fear?

It is impossible for many parents to make their children cry. What they say most is "Why are you crying!" Or "go back!"

After a long time, in order to meet the needs of parents, children will also show their emotions carefully, or they will be afraid of certain emotions.

For example, you have been telling a boy "Be a man, don't cry all the time".

It is very likely that he looks strong and really stops crying, but this will lead to a drawback, that is, he has resisted and feared the important emotion of "crying" since then.

This is actually a very bad result. Nine times out of ten, life is not satisfactory. Not to mention what will happen when he grows up. I'm afraid he can't choose to "cry" to solve it himself, and forcing a smile will make him more miserable.

Let's not say that emotional expression can make children "full" and "free", at least, at least "fearless" and "brave" first!

Step 3: Label:

Label the causes of emotions?

We used to say that children should be aware of different feelings, so you need to put a clear label on their feelings.

For example, your child is crying. After you calm down, you can say to your child, "What you revealed when you cried just now was a sad mood."

A Xiong Haizi beat another child to tears, and the teacher would grab Xiong Haizi and say, "Look, your companion was beaten to tears. Does this mean that he is happy or sad? " ?

On this basis, Susan also put forward a deeper goal. She said you need to put a more specific label on the cause of the child.

For example, if you also see a child crying, you need to make the child more sensitive to understand that crying and crying will also convey different meanings.

For example, if you need to give your child a choice, you can ask him if his crying just now represents: stress? Sad? disappointed

Only in this way can we extract a specific reason for emotional collapse, let children feel it in a labeled way, and make him more sensitive to emotions and have higher emotional intelligence in the future.

Step four: watch it go?

Relive the whole process of emotional disappearance

This is the fourth step that I didn't expect, which makes me find once again that the utilitarian heart of adults is really heavy-if a child finally smiles through tears, basically, even if the stone in our hearts is put down, we feel that we have achieved something.

But Susan says the fourth step is crucial:

If you see a child experiencing emotional ups and downs and finally getting better, you need to work with the child to recover the whole process of emotional disappearance.

You can say:

"This is the taste of sadness, I can see you feel much better now. You just went through a whole process from being particularly sad, to being a little sad, and finally to being sad and disappearing.

You know, generally speaking, when we go through the same thing, the first emotion is the strongest. If the same thing happens next time, it may not be so sad.

Or maybe when you grow up, you may not even think it is a sad thing. "

This resumption process can make the child have a more specific understanding of emotional details, thus increasing his emotional sensitivity.

Susan's works make me re-examine "crying" and realize what adults should and should not do when children are in emotions.

These four-step rules apply to any emotion, not necessarily to passive crying. For some positive emotions, children also need to feel.

Finally, I want to say,

The child is crying,

It is worth encouraging.

Parents need to make good use of this opportunity,

Make them more sensitive to emotions,

Instead of rushing,

Just douse the feelings you think are bad.

Only in this way,

Children's emotional sensitivity will increase,

His future emotional intelligence will also become a lever.

Life will be happier,

This is our greatest educational expectation.

Isn't it?

Reference: David Company (20 16). Emotional agility: get rid of bondage, embrace change and thrive in work and life. New york: Penguin Books.

Copyright: Author | Xiao: Master of Education, University of Pennsylvania, USA. He once worked in Bright Horizon, one of the largest early education institutions in the United States, and has a solid theoretical foundation and rich practical experience. Source | Ivy Daddy