Unexpectedly, Wei Lai didn't like this sentence. She not only threw away the folded toy, but also snatched it from Bauer and put it under her feet. When Bauer saw this scene, he began to cry. Wei Lai's father is anxious. He dragged him to apologize to Bauer, but he stubbornly ran back to his room.
Father said in the future, children are so jealous that I can't praise others? What can I do in the future? I wonder if you have found such a situation in your life? In fact, with the enhancement of baby's self-awareness, in addition to good aspects such as self-confidence and independence, we will also find that jealousy and selfishness are also quietly growing. Are children really so jealous? Or is it just the possessiveness of parents, which leads to praising others and blaming parents?
Children's jealousy is related to self-awareness.
In psychology, jealousy is a negative emotion and a tendency to exclude or destroy the superior position of others.
Jealousy is a very complicated emotion, but what is certain is that with the gradual development of baby's self-awareness and the clear distinction between self and others, jealousy appears. Studies have shown that babies of 15 months will be jealous when they see their mothers holding other children. At this point, Dabao is very obvious. Even when I hug the cat, he will pout and say, "I don't want my mother."
With the enrichment of their social life and the gradual refinement of their emotions, jealousy will appear in more complicated ways, not only the exclusive possession of their beloved things, but also the praise and attention of adults. Bauer's classmate Wei Lai is jealous of his father's praise for other children.
Ps: It should be noted that compared with the jealousy of adults, children's jealousy lasts shorter and the content is more simple.
It is more important to find the reason behind jealousy.
Many parents are surprised when facing their children's "jealousy" psychology: why are such young children so jealous? But in fact, jealousy is just an emotional representation, and there are many complicated emotions behind it. For children, they may just need attention or lack self-confidence. Therefore, before "educating" a child not to be jealous, it is important to find out all kinds of emotions hidden behind his jealousy, so as to be targeted.
A.？ Self-negative evaluation
In the example at the beginning of the article, is Wei Lai jealous because Bauer's origami toy is faster? It wasn't, but when dad praised Bauer, it finally broke out. Later, I chatted with Wei Lai's mother, only to know that Dad often said Wei Lai was stupid, although it was only half-joking, which made Xiao Lai very hurt. Wei Lai first had a negative self-evaluation, so she felt jealous because her father suddenly praised others. Just like if you think you are not beautiful, you may be jealous of the beautiful women passing by, because your husband is shopping and looking around.
B.？ Efforts were not taken seriously.
Sometimes, children's jealousy comes from their efforts not being noticed or not being positively evaluated. He felt unfair. A friend shared her son's story with me. After a school sports meeting, his son went home angrily. The friend asked cautiously: What's the matter? The son said disdainfully, it's not that Chen Xiaole. What's the big deal? Isn't it the first sprint? Drag what?
"Where have you been?" The friend asked.
"second!" The son said, "I practiced for a semester, and the teacher only said that he won glory for the class."
The friend suddenly understood that his son's jealousy was not directed at Li Xiaole, who ran faster than him. On the contrary, I think it is unfair for the teacher not to mention the second place. So, she said to her son, I think you are also good. You won the second place in the first round. When Li Xiaole ran for the first time last year, he was not in the top three. I think you have a lot to do.
C.？ Illusory self-knowledge
A considerable number of children are constantly "jealous" of other children and cannot accept failure or not being the first. At this time, parents should observe whether their children will be jealous as long as there is no encouragement and praise, or whether anyone's encouragement and praise are not directed at themselves.
Because the reason behind some jealousy is untrue self-knowledge. This has something to do with being overly praised in the process of growing up. For example, if a child is praised by everyone who meets him as the smartest person in the world, he will probably not accept it, and some people praise another person (smarter than him).
Children show "jealousy", and parents make good use of four tricks to deal with it.
When children are "jealous", the first reaction of many parents is that you can't do this! But in fact, although jealousy is a negative emotion, it is also normal. We have to admit that sometimes we are jealous, but not as obvious as children.
Therefore, the key to dealing with children's jealousy is to guide and learn to manage emotions, rather than prohibiting children from being jealous.
1, encourage children to show "jealousy"
Psychologist Caster concluded in Envy and Jealousy that "jealousy" is more active than "jealousy", and there is often a next step behind jealousy, while "jealousy" does nothing in self-denial.
So to some extent, it is actually a good thing for children to show jealousy, because parents can understand the emotions behind their children. If children can be guided to overcome jealousy, whether it is unnoticed dissatisfaction or their own wrong cognition, then children can easily turn jealousy into motivation for action.
For example, if Weilai's father can accept Weilai's jealousy and understand it at the first time, will you be angry because his father didn't praise you? Bauer does spell fast, but if you practice more, you will be faster than him.
Instead of asking him to apologize immediately and denying his emotional expression, maybe the child will accept it more easily.
2. Give your child a proper evaluation
The first evaluation that babies get from others usually comes from their parents, who use it to determine their own characteristics: am I smart? Beautiful? Good at sports? Sensible? Still naughty? Therefore, it is very important to give children a pertinent evaluation. If Eva lives in an environment that is always winning and always correct, it is hard not to think that she is the first in the universe. Once she is overtaken by other children, she will have a strong sense of frustration and jealousy.
On the other hand, when children strive to achieve something, parents are advised not to use "result-oriented" to ask their children. We should actively affirm children's efforts and teach them not to look at things from a single result. In this way, children can not only learn more, but also feel fair and valued in their hearts.
3. Look at the problem from another angle.
Looking at the problem from another angle, in short, it is: "You are fine, so am I." We're not here to take a walk and compete with others. More importantly, live a wonderful life. But children will inevitably care about winning or losing, whether you look good or I look good. At this time, the baby Ma Bao can try to guide the child to see the problem from another angle. For example, my girlfriend once participated in a beading contest organized by an early education institution with her daughter. My daughter's bracelet didn't get any ranking in the end. My daughter was very angry and said that the first bracelet was ugly. My best friend told her that the first bracelet was quite elegant. But the bracelet she wears is very aura. It's just that this time the judges like rules and regulations. Mom still likes you.
4. Help children transform "jealousy"
From the perspective of "driving force", isn't jealousy a driving force? The negative effects of jealousy are usually manifested in their own anxiety and bad behavior. Since jealousy can't be avoided even when we grow up, how to transform jealousy is what we should teach our children.
For example, when you find yourself jealous of others, don't be busy denying yourself. Observe the object of jealousy, what is inferior to you and what is stronger than you. If you learn from him for a period of time, you may be able to surpass him. Even if you are still inferior to others, you don't have to be arrogant and jealous of others, because you also have unique advantages.
Mom and dad can also talk to their children about their "jealousy" mental journey, so that children can objectively understand such emotions and learn how to deal with them.
In the morning, my mother came to talk:
Children's growth is not only physical and cognitive, but also psychological, including learning to recognize and deal with all kinds of strange emotions. Don't think that when you are jealous, the child just hates the person who is better than himself, and he may still have a hard time with the "jealous" self. Especially when parents blindly deny this emotion. Therefore, for negative psychology and emotions, Baba Ma Bao needs to understand that "persuasion" is always more important than "prohibition".