The first one is like this:
Another one is like this:
I believe all parents will choose the first one. Some people even think: if my child can do half of it, it is estimated that I will wake up laughing in my dream!
In contrast, the difference between these two situations lies in "initiative".
If children are conscious, active and self-disciplined in the face of temptation, it means that parents don't have to chase after discipline and worry. For parents, this is probably a more rare "freedom of education" than wealth freedom!
More importantly, if children can stay so focused and be so good at adjusting their impulses, it means that children have developed an internal "independent ability". Such children, even if they encounter difficulties in life, can remain rational and win the best plan for themselves.
When children have such inner strength, they can succeed no matter where they go, what they do and what challenges they face in life. I believe this is what parents are most at ease and what parents want to see most.
On the other hand, if children lack initiative, in the short term, even if they do homework, they should be urged by their parents. In the long run, everyone knows that urging and urging should not teach children who really love learning. If parents don't work hard, children will stand still or even go backwards immediately. Even if you do well in the temporary exam, you will gradually fall behind in the competition of life.
It is a self-evident important task in education to cultivate children's ability of "self-motivation and self-adjustment" purposefully and step by step, and finally achieve self-initiative, which is the key to achieving children!
Dr Dana Suskind, a professor of child psychology at the University of Chicago, named this ability "self-regulation". This capability includes:
Some parents may think that their children are too young to control themselves. When the children are older, they may naturally understand and know how to adjust themselves.
Unfortunately, this is not realistic. Because "self-control" is also a brain-based ability, just like learning English and driving. To master this skill, the brain needs constant stimulation and acquired training.
Therefore, it is very important to cultivate "self-regulation ability" systematically and methodically in education. The cultivation of this ability is undoubtedly the best investment for children's future.
How to cultivate "self-regulation ability"?
Find the right target first!
As early as 1995, Daniel Golema, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, discovered that the prefrontal cortex of the brain is not only responsible for logical thinking and short-term memory storage, but also for suppressing primitive impulses.
As creatures, we are naturally bound by desires and want to enjoy the happiness of the moment. But some people, under the impact of desire, can still restrain themselves and make long-term and most rational choices. Brain science has proved that this is precisely because the prefrontal cortex of such people is stronger!
On the other hand, if the prefrontal cortex is not convincing enough, people will easily be influenced by emotions and run away with all kinds of wants and desires. And many studies show that such people will show inattention and can't do things for a long time. A little interference will distract them from pursuing new goals.
We must patiently accept the fact that the prefrontal cortex in the human brain is the latest to mature. We are born with a system of perceiving impulses; However, the area of the brain that regulates impulses will not mature until the age of 25.
Like Daniel, a professor of clinical psychiatry at UCLA? Dr Siegel said: We humans just need time to be smart. We all need to get smarter slowly. There is nothing we can do about it.
So, don't blame the child: you are 7 years old, don't you understand? Why not consciously? Remember to do your homework before watching TV? Brain science tells us that it is really normal for children to "forget" their long-term goals and can't control the impulse of "I want to watch TV now" and just want to be happy now.
Throw away unnecessary accusations and focus on reality, and our goal will become very clear! Only by constantly practicing the prefrontal cortex to make its "persuasion function" more powerful can children master a set of "super powers" to suppress impulses and regulate emotions from the inside out!
Only in this way can children truly become their own masters!
Then the next question is, which exercises can better exercise the prefrontal cortex?
The answer is simple: seize every opportunity and try to let children make more choices and choose for themselves!
Dr William Stix, a famous American clinical psychologist and a member of the National Children's Medical Center, explained that only when children have enough space to make their own decisions can their prefrontal cortex be activated. Children need to get used to how to clear their minds and make "difficult" choices under the impulse of "attack".
In other words, as long as children think and choose, it is an activation and an exercise. The child's self-control is thus developed step by step.
This method seems simple, but it is very troublesome to operate. Because children can't live independently for the time being, their thinking ability is not perfect. When parents are at a loss, they will inevitably ask their children to stop thinking, do it quickly, do it as required, and finish it. How else can you take care of the life of a family?
Another common thing is that children are likely to make obviously unreasonable choices. At this time, it is obviously impossible for parents to stand by and watch.
In order to clear up this chaotic situation with restrictions everywhere, parents are advised to make a list before starting to practice.
We can divide the arrangement of daily life into three categories:
First of all, you can try to "decentralize" some harmless little things. Let the green list get longer and longer!
For example, ask your child "What color clothes do you want to wear today", or "Do you want to play football or go to an amusement park at the weekend" and so on. Although it will take a little time, it is a kind of mental exercise to allow children to arrange their own lives. If parents regard this list as an investment to "make the future easier", they will feel much more relaxed.
These questions, once asked, really let the children decide for themselves. If you want to do it, you must be sincere parents.
We must never underestimate the power of the "green list". Even for babies, making more choices is super effective for brain growth!
Lev Vygotsky, a Soviet psychologist who died young at the age of 37, concluded very early that the development of children's self-regulation depends on the people who take care of them. Moreover, direct orders and restrictions cannot help children change from "slaves of the environment" to "masters of self-behavior".
Vygotsky found through experiments that a group of one-year-old babies always grew up in a command-oriented language environment, while another group of children accepted more "calm suggestions". When these two groups of children grow up to three years old, the second group with rich self-selection experience will have significantly stronger executive function and self-adjustment ability.
The mystery is easy to understand: the more you think, the smarter you are! Do you want this part of the brain to be functional? All right! Then use it more!
Imagine if a child can have a long green list to practice at an early age. After a long time, when the child enters adolescence and adulthood, his prefrontal cortex will naturally be different. The so-called self-control, self-discipline, progress and optimism are not qualities acquired out of thin air. In the final analysis, they are enlightened and wise parents who exercise step by step by "letting their children choose for themselves".
So, let's discuss the most common yellow part in the middle. We have some arrangements, but the children's choices are different from ours. How to deal with this disagreement?
Let the children choose and try to make decisions. This doesn't mean that we can only listen to children, or we should allow them to climb on our heads.
In fact, the most common mode in life should be mutual discussion and consultation.
What we can do when we meet the content in the yellow column is to avoid "imperative" communication as much as possible and use "suggestion and prompt" communication more. Changing a language model can solve many problems.
For example, a mother wants her children to clean their toys. Please compare the following two statements:
Answer: "Put the toy down at once! Clean it up! "
B: "What shall we do after playing with toys?"
There is nothing wrong with the packaging of the toy itself. But once you give the "order" directly, it is equivalent to letting the child give up thinking and only carry out the parents' requirements. The second "suggestion-prompt type" will encourage children to think independently and make choices.
Perhaps, at this time, the child will be very "stubborn" and say, "No! I don't want to clean up. I just don't want to now. " How else can we advance our thinking?
Recommend a golden sentence:
"But I think we should tidy up our toys first. We think differently. What do you think we should do? Can you find a method that we are all satisfied with? "
Daniel? Dr Siegel (Daniel? There is a good example in J.Siegel's whole brain education law.
A family of three is eating in a Mexican restaurant. My 4-year-old son said to eat dessert first.
Mom didn't just say, "Stop it and finish it for me!" " Instead, ask the child, "Why don't you think about how much you eat is fair and then tell your father?" Obviously, she uses "hints and hints" to communicate.
So the 4-year-old boy began to think seriously. After about 15 seconds, he came back and said to his father in an angry tone, "Dad, I don't want to eat half of the fried tortillas. I want to eat dessert. "
The father was not angered by the child's attitude, but asked, "So, how much do you think you should eat is fair?" Like his mother, he encourages children to think about how to "solve" their impulses.
The son said firmly, "Ten mouthfuls."
Father accepted the counter offer. In fact, ten mouths have exceeded parents' expectations.
Finally, the son happily ate ten tacos and then ate dessert; The whole family had a good time.
In this example, parents always insist on exercising their brains without getting lost in their emotions. In addition to a healthy diet, it is more precious that children get an exercise to eliminate impulses. This is a powerful step towards "self-control"
Yellow sheet-dealing with differences-is a lesson that every family will face. Finally, whether the whole family has experienced "wars" again and again or won "mental exercises" again and again depends on their parents' habits. Adjust the way of communication and use the language of "hints and hints" in order to give children the best early education!
Finally, can we have a long red list? Can there be something "absolutely not to do"?
Of course, parents can have absolutely unacceptable things. In fact, children are also very eager for the guidance and demonstration of adults. Unacceptability does not necessarily mean contradiction, as long as you can guarantee that the "green list" is also very long.
When children have control, they will naturally accept some "must accept" rules.
What parents should avoid is that everything should not be "centralized". If your red list is long and your green and yellow lists are short. It is not the best and most responsible arrangement for children, whether psychologically or spiritually.
Because, only when children start to choose, the brain begins to grow! "Let children be masters of their own affairs" is not a slogan or a skill to manipulate children, but an educational method that will really affect brain development!
When we give our children enough "freedom" to practice, they can walk better and better in the way we hope. Don't go in the wrong direction, so that you and I can become really comfortable parents!
Bless everyone!
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