This book is a very thoughtful self-help teaching material for parent-child communication. The educational ideas and methods advocated in the book can effectively alleviate the tension between children and parents and end the conflict atmosphere that permeates the family. This book inspires and guides parents how to slowly enter their children's inner world through a large number of vivid cases. The book also records many straightforward operation steps to help parents master the secret of communication with their children step by step. So far, this book has sold well for more than 30 years, with a cumulative sales of more than 3 million copies.
-About the author-
The author of this book is Adele, an internationally renowned expert in parent-child communication. Faber and Elaine? Mazlisch They are not only experts in parenting education, but also mothers of three children. Therefore, in the research and summary of educational methods, they can constantly revise and improve the best educational concept according to their own personal experience and practical experience.
-The golden sentences in this book-
1. Although we may not be perfect parents, we can grow up to be better parents.
2. Many contradictions in the parent-child relationship stem from parents' failure to handle their children's feelings.
3. The stricter the parents' education, the stronger the children's rebellious psychology.
Children who are punished may not learn a lesson, but will have hostility, hatred and resistance to their parents.
What parents need is not punishment, but an educational method that can replace punishment.
This is a bestseller in the field of parent-child communication. How to enter the inner world of children and communicate with them happily, so as to establish a good parent-child relationship.
How to say the child will listen, how to listen to the child will say, and you will feel very kind when you hear the title. Isn't this the confusion faced by many parents? Repeatedly ask, the child just won't listen to you, and even will be against you. As soon as you open your mouth, the children will think you are long-winded, and you will be bored if you haven't finished three sentences. You want to know what the child thinks, and the child won't tell you anything. Maybe the child said a few words before he spoke, and it was over, and you didn't understand what he said.
In fact, many parent-child conflicts are caused by poor communication. Children don't want to hear what you say, and children never take the initiative to talk to you. This is not a child's rebellion, but that we, as parents, made mistakes in speaking and listening. The book we are going to share today is to solve the communication problem between parents and children.
Speaking and listening is a kind of ability, but also an art. Effective communication is a two-way process, and both are very important. Communication is a skill that needs to be studied and trained.
How to say that children will listen, how to listen to children will be willing to say, the skills in this book are simple and easy to understand, and everyone can learn quickly. Using the methods in the book can not only resolve the contradiction between parents and children, but also help us solve the communication problems in life.
The core ideas of this book are: accept children's emotions, understand children's feelings, enter children's hearts, let children communicate with their parents actively, and parents and children establish close relationships.
There are two authors, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlis. Delfa is not an internationally renowned parent-child communicator, but also the best-selling author of parenting education books in the United States. Adele graduated from Henghou College, USA, majoring in drama, perhaps with a degree, and later obtained a master's degree in education from new york University. I have been teaching in a high school in new york for eight years and have rich teaching experience. Iranian Mazilis graduated from new york University and is a professional painter and composer. Both authors studied under the late famous child psychologist Dr. Heim Guinot, and they co-founded the New Institute for Social Studies in new york and the Family Life Association of Long Island University. At the same time, both authors are mothers of three children, and they have been included in the American Who's Who.
How to say that children will listen, and how to listen to children to talk? This book was first published in 1980, and has been a best-selling book, with sales exceeding 3 million copies. It has been translated into more than 30 languages and once became a treasure of parents. The methods summarized in the book are very practical, which can help parents to resolve conflicts with their children and make them easily accept their parents' demands and suggestions. Well, after introducing the basic situation of this book and the author's brief introduction,
So I'll tell you the contents of the book in detail.
How does the first content face the negative feelings of children?
The second question, what kind of praise is effective?
The third question, when children make mistakes, what can be done instead of multiplication?
Let's take a look at how the first key content faces the negative feelings of children.
An important problem in children's communication is that parents often deny what their children say. Mom, I'm so hungry. Didn't you just eat? Why are you hungry again? Mom, I'm sleepy. I want to sleep. Didn't you just wake up? You must want to be lazy again.
Parents deny their children's words because they don't agree with and respect their children's feelings from the bottom of their hearts, so they can't have sex with their children. Communication without understanding cannot be carried out smoothly, but it is not easy to understand children's feelings, because too many parents' feelings were ignored when they were young. Isn't it just a toy? You don't have to be so sad. Recall that parents grew up listening to these words. Many parents can't even understand their feelings, let alone express them, so they can't teach their children.
As a result, children's feelings are constantly denied, and they will feel confused and angry. At the same time, it also implies that children should not understand and trust their feelings, so that the parent-child relationship will fall into a vicious circle. When they grow up, many parents will become the parents they hated most when they were children, so parents can learn to understand and express their feelings in order to better channel their children's emotions.
Parents and children are two independent experiences, or have their own real feelings. These feelings are only different, not right or wrong.
When we are sad, the last thing we want to hear is preaching or making suggestions, which will only make us more sad. Too much sympathy makes us feel sorry for ourselves, and asking questions makes us defensive. The most irritating thing is that our feelings are unreasonable and make a mountain out of a molehill. At this time, you must feel that it is unnecessary to communicate. Children, like adults, will be sad.
If parents ignore these emotions, children's inner grievances will not be resolved, and they will become restless. No matter how much they say, the children will not listen. Even if some of their behaviors are wrong, parents should accept their emotions first. When parents respect their children's feelings, they will feel understood. Only in this way can they concentrate on what makes them sad.
The younger a child is, the less likely he is to express his feelings. He will vent his inner dissatisfaction by opposing you. At this time, parents' guidance is even more needed. Understand their feelings?
In the book, Adele and Alier summed up four skills to help children get rid of their distress, listening attentively, responding to their feelings with simple words, saying their feelings, and finally realizing their wishes in a fantasy way.
In fact, parents' heartfelt attitude is more important than language skills. The child's eyes are sharp. If we don't really have feelings with our children, no matter what we say, our children will feel hypocritical. Only when parents really care about their feelings will they move their hearts.
These four skills are simple to say, but not easy to do, especially listening to children's emotional catharsis and expressing their feelings, which requires us to really let go of ourselves and walk into children's hearts.
Understand the child's true feelings from his description. What children learn from primary school are specific words such as cars and apples, saying that I am sad and wronged. These abstract words are difficult for them and need to be practiced by parents and children. Once a child knows what he is experiencing, he can concentrate on the problem at hand.
In reality, many parents are listening, but in fact, being absent-minded will make children feel discouraged. If parents can really listen to their children's stories, children can also express their feelings calmly. On the contrary, when children are scolded, asked questions or suggested, it is difficult to have a clear mind and a positive attitude to think about the problem.
If parents respond to their children with this simple language and a caring attitude, they can sort out their feelings and ideas in the process of telling their children, so that children may find their own solutions.
Some parents may worry that telling their children how they feel will make them more sad. On the contrary, children will feel very happy when they hear their parents tell their feelings, because someone can understand their inner feelings. In reality, we have similar experiences. When someone understands your pain, it seems that you are not so painful.
When accepting children's emotions, parents need to find out their children's emotions and behaviors, and let them know that they have expressed their anger, but they need to find a suitable way, and this expression can't hurt others, whether physically or emotionally. As Adele and Eliel said, all children's emotions should be accepted, but some behaviors must be restricted. Ok, this is the first question we want to talk about, accept the negative feelings of children.
An important reason of parent-child conflict is that both sides communicate with emotions. The correct way is to take care of children's emotions first, so that children feel that they are understood, and the communication between parents and children will have good results. The younger a child is, the less he will express his emotions, which requires the guidance of parents.
Parents can listen to their children wholeheartedly, then respond to their children's feelings with simple words, such as ah, oh, then tell their feelings, and finally realize their children's wishes in a fantasy way.
Ok, let's look at the second question, how to appreciate children? Educators have found that children who are appreciated at home feel better about themselves and are more willing to accept the challenges of life than those who are not appreciated. If you want to help children build a positive and true self-image, you should praise them more.
It is important to praise children, but children get more criticism from the outside world than appreciation. Therefore, parents should shoulder this important responsibility and praise their children at the same time, which is suitable for the important period of establishing close relationship with their children. As Adele and Chirade said in their book, besides food, clothing, housing and transportation, we have an obligation to our children, and that is to make sure that they have done the right thing. But usually, we don't think it is necessary to praise children. As long as it is praise, children love to hear it, but appreciation needs to be cautious.
Well-intentioned praise sometimes leads to unexpected rejection. Adele and Alier believe that children's praise should be carried out. Try not to use vague and general comments such as too good and you are great, but to use descriptive language to affirm their behavior, efforts and process.
Because children have an accurate positioning of themselves and know their own advantages and disadvantages, they don't like empty praise. When they want to comment, they actually want someone to recognize their efforts, instead of saying in a completely perfunctory tone that you are a genius, which is why your praise is not only ineffective, but also has a negative impact. But appreciation needs caution, and sometimes well-intentioned appreciation will trigger unexpected reactions.
Appreciation may make the person who is appreciated suspicious, and appreciation may lead to negation.
It is not difficult to appreciate children's skills. Adele and Yilan summed up the following steps: first describe what you saw, then describe your feelings, and finally sum up the child's commendable behavior into one word.
Let me give you an example, and you will understand it more intuitively. A ten-year-old girl spent the whole night cleaning the room. At this time, the mother can say, wow, it's usually clean, the bed is flat, and even your books are neatly placed on the shelf.
It's called describing what you see and then describing how you feel. You can say that I felt very comfortable when I walked into this room. Comfort is how you feel when you see a clean and tidy room. Finally, you can sum up your child's praiseworthy behavior in one word. For example, you can say, children, you classify pens and put markers and pens in different boxes. It's called being organized, baby. I'm happy for you. This kind of praise is very effective, because it is a real process of watching, listening, paying attention, and then speaking out what you see and feel.
Why does such a simple process have a far-reaching impact? This description is not only praising children, but also giving reasons for praise. From our description of children's subtleties, children will repeat these behaviors and increase their inner strength.
Children find that he can tidy up messy rooms, be helpful, know how to share, be patient and punctual, and he can bring happiness to others. All these behaviors will be stored in the child's heart and grow with him. When the child is frustrated and confused, these experiences will give him comfort and encouragement, and will also become the cornerstone of his future success.
This is the second question today. What kind of praise is effective? To sum up: children who are often praised will feel better about themselves, but it is difficult for children to get external recognition. Therefore, it has always been a very important task for parents to learn to praise their children correctly. Praise children should be sincere and specific, not superficial. The skills of praising children include describing what you see first, then how you feel, and finally summarizing their praiseworthy behavior into one word. Such praise is a kind of serious listening and watching.
Ok, let's look at the last question today. When children make mistakes, what can replace punishment?
When children make mistakes, parents' first reaction is to punish them. For example, a mother takes a seven-or eight-year-old boy to the supermarket, and the child touches whatever he sees. No matter what his mother said, the child just wouldn't listen and ran around, but his mother couldn't pull it and knocked down an old woman in her seventies. At this time, mother had enough. She scolded the child for crying all the way. The mother was also very angry, and the ice cream originally bought for her children was confiscated.
In the face of children, the only way we can think of seems to be punishment. If we don't punish children, it seems that children will get worse, but the problem is that children will not become more obedient and sensible because of the threat of punishment.
Why do parents like to punish children?
In fact, they are venting their inner anger, but this kind of punishment often can't solve the problem and even bring new troubles.
For example, children don't want to eat, so they go to play with cars. But he just won't listen to you. That's when you pull a long face and scold. The child didn't play with cars, but he began to cry. At this time, the problem of feeding children has not been solved, and you are also facing a new crying problem.
In fact, if a child makes a mistake, he will feel guilty. At this time, what he wants most is to get help from adults with a peaceful mind and make himself more perfect, instead of endlessly accusing and punishing children, which actually deprives him of the process of reflecting on his wrong behavior from the bottom of his heart. On the contrary, he spent all his energy against you.
Since punishment doesn't work and children make mistakes, what should parents do? Adele and Yilan's teacher, Dr. Guinott, said. Children should experience the natural consequences of their actions instead of being punished, so that they can feel that there is no punishment in a caring parent-child relationship.
What does it mean to bear the natural consequences of behavior? For example, if a supermarket bumps into a grandmother's child, her mother can accompany her to take her home, take care of her grandmother, and pay medical expenses from her pocket money. If you just punish the child for not eating ice cream, the child will be confused, because there is no necessary connection between running into her grandmother and eating ice cream, and it is useless for the child to continue to disobey you.
Adele and Elaine found seven techniques to replace punishment in practical work, which are simple and easy to operate and will be learned as soon as they learn.
These seven skills are to ask your child for help, clearly express the position of strong disagreement, but do not attack your child's personality and express your expectations. Provide choices, tell children how to make up for their mistakes, take actions, and let children experience the natural consequences of wrong behavior. Let's learn these seven skills one by one. The skill of asking children for help is simple. For example, if children are running around the supermarket, parents can ask them to help write the shopping list, find things on the list to help push the cart, load and unload and sort out the goods. Children have a lot of things to do and no time to make trouble everywhere. When you no longer regard children as troublemakers, but as active participants in solving problems, your children will be more willing to cooperate with you and face their wrong behavior.
You can also express your strong disagreement clearly. For example, you can directly tell your child that you don't like him, because children running around in the aisle will interfere with other people's shopping. It is important to pay attention to only commenting on children's behavior, not commenting on children. If the child does something wrong, it may be that he doesn't know what the right behavior is. Parents can give their children choices, such as telling them that you should either walk well or walk in the shopping cart. If the child does make a big mistake, let him experience the consequences of misconduct.
For example, when a child eats, the child is called Wang Che, but he just doesn't want to eat. Then I will ignore him, let him bear the consequences of not eating dinner, let the child remember the feeling of hunger, and he will have a good meal next time. For most children, these steps are enough to arouse their sense of responsibility. This method gives us an important enlightenment, that is, when we have conflicts with others, we should not spend our time and energy on confronting each other, nor worry about who wins or loses, but focus our energy and energy on solving problems and trying to find ways to meet our every need.
That's the third question today. If the child makes a mistake, what method can be used instead of punishment?
To sum up, children will not become more obedient and sensible because of the threat of punishment. On the contrary, punishing children will actually prompt them to correct their mistakes. Adele and Yilan introduced us to several techniques instead of punishment. We can ask our children for help and clearly express our strong disagreement, but we can't attack their personality. At the same time, we can tell them your expectations or give them a choice. If the mistakes are serious, it is important to tell them how to make up for them and then take action. Another way is to let them take action.
Well, speaking of which, children will listen to what they say, and they will be willing to say what they listen to.
The main content of this book is finished, let's review it again. The first question, we say that children's behavior and feelings are inseparable. Only by respecting children's true feelings can we understand children and truly enter their inner world.
We and our children are completely different individuals. We can't replace children's feelings with thoughts. There are only differences in feelings, not right or wrong. All children's feelings should be accepted, although some of their behaviors are wrong. Only when you accept your child's feelings will you feel understood and respected, and you will concentrate on dealing with your emotions.
Parents can talk to their children wholeheartedly, and then respond to their children's feelings with simple words, such as ah, oh and so on. Then tell your feelings, and finally realize your wishes in a fantasy way. While accepting children's emotions, we need to distinguish children's emotions and behaviors clearly, so that children can understand that they have the right to express anger, but in an appropriate way. The premise is that you can't hurt others, whether physically or emotionally. All emotions of children should be accepted, but some behaviors must be limited.
Next, we received the skill of praising children. Effective praise will help children build a positive and true self-image. An important responsibility of parents is to learn to praise their children for doing the right thing. Adele and Elaine believe that appreciation requires caution, and inappropriate praise may lead to the suspicion or denial of the appreciator.
Because children have an accurate positioning of themselves and clearly know their own advantages and disadvantages, vague praise will only make them feel hypocritical. On the contrary, when their expectations are commented, they actually want someone to recognize their efforts, instead of saying that you are a genius in a completely perfunctory tone. Therefore, praise children should be implemented, not only praise children, but also tell them where to be good. The correct way is to describe what you see first and then how you feel.
Finally, we introduced several methods to replace punishment. In fact, if a child makes a mistake, he will feel guilty. At this time, he most hopes to get help from adults with a peaceful mind and make himself more perfect, rather than endless accusations.
Punishing a child blindly is actually depriving him of the process of self-reflection on his wrong behavior from the bottom of his heart. When a child makes a mistake, he can use other methods instead of punishment. The skills of alternative punishment are: asking children for help. When you no longer regard your child as a troublemaker, but as an active participant in solving problems, your child will be more willing to cooperate with you, and there will be no time to make trouble everywhere. In the face of the child's wrong behavior, you can clearly express strong disagreement, but don't attack the child's personality.
Next, you can express your expectations, tell your child what you want him to do, and also provide your child with several choices. It can also let children experience the natural consequences of wrong behavior. If your child's mistakes hurt others, you can tell your child how to make up for his own mistakes.