My 19-year-old cousin is a sophomore this year. Because the school is far from home, he basically only goes home during the winter and summer vacations. In order to welcome their son home, his parents cleaned the house in advance and prepared a lot of delicious food, so they wanted their children to be with themselves and enjoy family happiness. However, within two days of being happy, the family's happiness turned into nagging and complaining.
It turns out that my cousin only knows how to play mobile phones in bed every day. Inviting him to dinner is like begging him. After eating, he put chopsticks on the table, patted his ass and left. He never thought about helping his parents do housework, or taking a walk, chatting and comforting with the elderly.
Although his parents are very angry with his behavior and always complain, they are also willing to help their son take care of everything. They also call it "children are still young, and when they are older, they will know how to understand their parents' hard work." "
Will this really happen? Actually, it is not.
The magic book of positive discipline tells us that if parents always take "he is still young" and "not sensible" as their mantra and hypnotize themselves over and over again, such "arrangement" will not only make them physically tired, but also make them mentally tired.
The Magic Book of Positive Discipline is written by Amy McCready, a famous American early education expert. She is one of the main advocates of the concept of positive discipline in the world. For 20 years, she has been insisting on actively advocating positive discipline through TV programs, talk shows, forums, online courses and other forms to help parents interact with their children in a positive, positive, peaceful and effective way.
In this book, she reveals that parents who "do everything" for their children are quietly becoming their children's "slaves". Behind their hard work, there is a selfish and natural psychology of their children.
Arranged parents are not uncommon in China families, but they often get no benefits while working hard. Believe it or not, while children enjoy their parents' meticulous service, they nag and complain that their parents are ungrateful, impatient, unwilling to communicate with their parents, unwilling to take responsibility and so on.
Root cause one: children are not allowed to participate in housework.
On the one hand, many parents have the idea that children are unwilling to do housework, such as washing dishes, folding quilts and washing socks, which is a trivial matter for parents and will excuse their children. They think that children are too busy with their homework at ordinary times and waste their study time doing housework. It is better to help them put things in order and let them study with peace of mind.
On the other hand, some parents think that letting children do housework is always pushing around, bargaining and sometimes losing their temper. It's faster and easier to do it yourself, so they don't want to ask their children if they want to try.
In the end, we do all the housework, and no matter how old the children are, they won't help.
Root 2: Reward children with money.
Many parents will reward their children with money in order to encourage them to do something, such as doing homework and taking out the garbage. As everyone knows, while materializing these positive behaviors, money stifles children's sense of responsibility for what they should do and their sense of belonging to their families.
I once heard a story: there is an open space outside an old man's house, and there are always a group of children playing with cans outside his house during lunch break. The old man was disturbed by the tinkling sound every day, so he came up with a trick.
On this day, he called all the children together and told them that whoever kicked the jar farthest would get a reward of ten dollars. The children are very excited and compete with each other. Grandpa rewarded you for several days, until one day he said that grandpa had no money and could not reward you in the future.
As a result, the children quit, and they thought, what do we play without reward? Waste of energy, so grandpa's door is clean again.
This story tells us that rewarding children with money will make them feel that kicking cans is for others, and they will not do it without reward. They all forgot that they started playing with cans for fun and felt very happy.
Similarly, if parents reward themselves for doing homework and housework, children will feel that homework is for parents and housework is for teachers. When this kind of cognition is formed, the demand for rewards will be higher and higher. One day, if parents can't satisfy it, they will not continue to do it.
The harm of the arranged work is very serious.
Some time ago, there was news that a man tricked his wife who was pregnant in April into Thailand and pushed her off a cliff in a scenic spot just to occupy her property. Thanks to his wife's fate, she survived and revealed the truth to the police.
After learning that the man was arrested, the man's mother said in a news interview: "He is still a child." This sentence shocked the whole network. Are men in their thirties and forties still children? When they made a mistake, their parents tried to use this excuse to make the mistake disappear. ,
From this incident, we can see that parents' "arranging" their children is actually not helping them, but will harm them.
Arrangements will make children selfish, self-centered and take everything they have for granted. Not only can they not take responsibility and fulfill their obligations, but they will also become bookworms and selfish people who threaten social security.
In addition, many parents are willing to rely on their children, which further promotes the generation of children's selfishness. If parents can clearly realize the dangers of helping their children do everything, they may be afraid.
So, how can we better educate the next generation without helping children "do everything"?
First, train children to participate in housework.
My best friend's daughter is 6 years old this year. The school arranged for her children to go home to help her mother with a housework and get her parents to sign it. The child was very active at first, and the girlfriend wanted to encourage the child to work, so she was asked to help wash the dishes. Who knows that the child accidentally broke two bowls, and the girlfriend quickly stopped her: "Be careful, so clumsy, mom, come and study. Just sign your name later, and you can tell the teacher that you washed the dishes. "
Many parents think that children are still young, and doing housework is equivalent to adding trouble. In fact, they deprive children of many opportunities, such as learning from their mistakes, challenging their sense of accomplishment, and experiencing their sense of belonging and status to their families.
If we do everything for our children, but discourage their own efforts, it is tantamount to saying to him, "You will only make things worse." Or "You are too young to help." It is easier to develop selfishness by attacking children's self-confidence and excluding them from family work.
Therefore, it is a good way to cultivate children's self-care ability to train them to do housework from an early age, not to blindly attack them, to let them do it themselves, and to guide them to solve problems correctly in the process of doing it.
Second, stick to principles and refuse children to bargain.
Many parents are troubled. Every time they assign tasks or make rules for their children, they always bargain with their parents or make us compromise by crying.
For example, children are usually required to go to bed at 9 pm. As a result, the summer vacation arrived, and the children had a good time and begged their parents. We allow them to go to bed until 10, or even 1 1.
This practice will actually give children the illusion that the rules can be changed and I can bargain with my parents. In this way, children will bargain on all kinds of things they don't like, such as whether this math problem can be done or not, and whether dad can help me calculate it; I don't like taking out the garbage, okay?
If parents can't adhere to the principle, then children's awareness of obeying the rules will be weak and they will not be willing to abide by the agreement.
Third, make good use of the sentence pattern "Only ... can ..."
Amy McCready, a famous American early education expert, once mentioned a method in his "The Magic Book of Positive Discipline". Maybe both parents used it, but they didn't realize its function. That is to make good use of the sentence pattern "Only …… can ……".
When a child refuses to do something, the phrase "only tidy up your room can you play with us on weekends;" You can't watch TV for half an hour until you finish your homework. Simply put, it is to arrange things that children don't want to do before things that children are willing to do.
In this way, let the children realize that everyone has their own responsibilities, they have to do things and can't take it for granted.
There is a sentence in "Introduction to Parenting" that I have been using to alert myself:
You must never be a child who depends on him for everything. He is often a bossy child. If we don't give the child a chance to take responsibility, he will become an irresponsible person.
I would like to encourage you to be a responsible mother, who can actively guide, support and encourage children to take responsibility. May our children gradually learn to do things for their families, learn to be responsible for their own actions, and become happier and better people.
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