The author of this book wrote down the common problems of stay-at-home mothers with her own experience of staying at home for several years. Peach and Bai Xiaobai have one thing in common: before they became mothers, they were both elites in the workplace. The second is to find and solve problems in the process of being a full-time mother for several years, that is, to find an entry point. One is to do career planning for working mothers (also do full-time mother planning), and the other is to do full-time mother platform.
Some people think that this book is chicken soup, some people think that there is no dry goods, and some people think that stay-at-home mothers are so fragile. . . Everyone has different experiences and feelings, so they have different ideas about this book. I think the biggest highlight of this book is to help stay-at-home mothers emotionally and energetically.
First, how to stimulate your life energy?
1, don't stop learning, don't think that learning is just for children.
The author mentioned this sentence in the book: "Our brains follow the principle of' use it and discard it'. In other words, the more you use it, the better it is; And if you use less, your brain will slowly degenerate. If you stop studying, it means that your thinking and ability will gradually deteriorate. It will be difficult for you to recover after degradation. "
I have a feeling. I am a person who loves learning. I don't know. Since that year, besides buying books, I also like to borrow books from the library. I have borrowed books from all the libraries in Shenzhen. Especially in the training industry, based on professional needs, I will read books on management, philosophy and growth. But since my children went to primary school, I have paid attention to family education and learning ability. In 2020, affected by the epidemic, it was inconvenient to go out to borrow books and buy books instead. I bought a lot of books this year, and spent nearly 4000 yuan on books, including psychology, parenting, study and so on. In recent years, I also participated in external courses, such as family education tutor, psychological counselor, active learning tutor, guidance tutor and so on.
With the pace of learning, my thinking has also changed and my ability has been constantly improved. The most obvious point is the ability to output, write reading experience, write articles and open books.
In short, a mother's continuous learning will not only benefit herself, but also affect her children, who may love learning. Of course, the way of communication will change with different horizons.
2. Be independent, but don't walk alone. You must have your own circle. This circle should not be a circle of eating, drinking and complaining about family members, but a circle that can support each other, grow together and develop together.
In the past three years, I have often gone out to study, and I have also seen many stay-at-home mothers taking part in the study. Some mothers just walk out of the study, and a bunch of mothers will "complain" together, always feeling that their husbands and children are not good. Of course, many mothers think they have problems, so they want to learn and grow.
Therefore, at an appropriate time, mothers can take some offline courses, or listen to the sharing of some senior people, and establish contact with more people on the spot, and you will see that you are all shining. Of course, others will look at you differently.
3. Think carefully: What do you want to do? What's your dream? What's your goal?
It's time to think: "Past life" has passed, what labels have been torn off from "this life", and what do you want to do as an independent individual? Is there a dream worth chasing? Is there a career worth carving for ten years or more? Don't let yourself live in a muddle, please try to make yourself live wonderfully.
You can set yourself a small goal. What do you want to do in the next 3-5 years? Or what is your recent learning goal, what problems to solve and what ability to improve? When the goal is set, think about what obstacles will there be, and what ways and resources will you use to solve them? When you achieve your goal, what kind of reward will you give yourself or imagine the picture of successfully achieving your goal, so as to arouse your enthusiasm and positive emotions.
4. Three simple ways to change energy from negative to positive.
One is to give yourself three minutes a day for psychological suggestion.
If you are in a bad mood, you can make a psychological hint for a few minutes: "The difficulty is only temporary, I believe it will get better ..."
Make a list of things that make you and your family a little angry.
There are two manifestations of burning up at once, one is anger and the other is serious silence. Write these things in detail in two columns. One column is the emotional button of family members. For example, if you see a child playing with toys while doing homework, you will get angry and write "Children play with toys while doing homework". The more you list, find out what you can do with your children. If the child has done it, it must be affirmed and rewarded in time. The reward here had better be spiritual.
Hug and appreciate each other more.
Brain research shows that if a person hugs for more than 20 seconds eight times a day, oxytocin secreted naturally will make you happy all day. Therefore, we should not only hold more children, but also give more hugs to our husbands. This kind of hug can make you and him secrete more oxytocin and make the fields at home full of love.
In addition, we should appreciate each other more and see each other's bright spots. After being with my husband for 12 years, I found that he has more and more advantages and often praised him. So we get along more and more sweetly. It is precisely because I saw Mr. Wang's bright spot that I expanded his advantages and narrowed his shortcomings. The two get along better and better, and our lives are getting happier and happier.
Second, use mindfulness to resolve your emotions: to truly understand each other, you can do it from hate to like, from anger to tolerance, and even sympathy.
What is mindfulness? What the author says about mindfulness is different from what others say. What she said about mindfulness needs to start from two levels.
The first layer is to have empathy. When you feel that the other person disagrees with your point of view or your expectation, please think about it. If you were him, what would you think?
Taking children as an example, many mothers are saddened by their children's refusal to sleep at night. Why do children refuse to sleep at night? I believe everyone's answers are very interesting. In fact, at this time, mothers should have empathy. When you were a child, you were just as playful and refused to sleep. ! So that you can really look at this matter from the perspective of children. Of course, this does not mean that you can solve the problem of staying up late. Imagine you are a tired and sleepy mother. How do you solve the problem of children staying up late?
First, you can show your understanding and point out that you want to sleep just like a child wants to play. Ask "honey, when you want to sleep, if someone is noisy around you, will you be upset?" Then let the baby work with you to find a way. You love children, and you should let them love you.
Second, two schemes can be suggested for children to choose: scheme one, you go to bed, he plays by himself, and then goes to bed after playing; Scheme 2 stipulates that mothers can still play patiently, such as 10 minutes, and then they must sleep together. Of course, at this stage, you can also let the children make their own plans.
Third, reach an agreement with the children and resolutely implement it.
Therefore, when you can empathize and really imagine what your situation, mood and needs would be like if you were the other person, you can easily find a solution to the problems encountered in the current scene, maybe you won't get angry, and even resolve conflicts when the other person is angry.
The second floor is not very demanding. Everyone is an independent individual with his own principles and values. We can't force others to have the same principles and values as ourselves. Maybe we don't agree with some principles and values of others, but we will give them enough respect and understanding. After all, everyone grew up in different environments.
When you want to get angry, observe each other's life background, family and social environment, and then understand why he is like this. Especially in the face of children, we need to understand the reasons behind what children do.
Because of understanding, so tolerance, emotions naturally put down.
Third, to avoid falling into the pit, you can do this:
1, in the face of things, we should think about the goal, look at the problem and find a way, instead of obsessing about right and wrong.
We will struggle with right and wrong, which comes from a mode of thinking, that is, thinking set. My favorite book is Life-long Growth by Carol Dwek. This book mentions two modes, one is fixed thinking and the other is growth thinking. When we face things, we can use growth thinking to help us overcome difficulties and believe that we have the ability to solve problems.
2. Distinguish between roles and boundaries, be yourself first and then be a good wife and mother. For example, give yourself "off work" time or alone time.
As a full-time mother, you need to play four roles: mother, wife, daughter and daughter-in-law. You can list the responsibilities and time required for these roles first. When you organize this schedule, you can also find out which responsibilities take up too much of your time. In this way, you can find ways to reduce your time, or let other family members share your responsibilities and leave some alone time for yourself.
It can be done in three steps:
The first step is to list all the things at home, including cooking, washing dishes, buying food and cooking, washing clothes and cleaning. The more detailed, the better. After the list is made, you should hold a family meeting to discuss with your husband and children what they should do and what you should do. For example, washing dishes can be done by children and mopping the floor can be given to your husband. Personally, I think that when a child is young, letting him participate in housework more can cultivate his sense of responsibility and cultivate his independent ability.
In a word, you can reasonably distribute all the big and small things in your family to every family member through a family meeting. Of course, as a full-time member of the family, you need to take on more, but definitely not all. Every family member should contribute to this family, so as to make the family more harmonious.
The second step is to clarify your commute time. Children have to go to school and husbands have to go to work. You need to make a lot of preparations for this. Personally, I think I can use this time to have a better rest. Besides buying food and preparing for cooking, the rest time can be used for studying, doing yoga, getting together with friends, sideline business and so on. If you have a little treasure at home and can't live without you, you can say to your child before going to bed at night, "Mom will be off work in half an hour."
The third step is to resolutely implement it. You should tell your child that mom also has off-duty time, so after reading the last story every day, for example, at 8: 30, mom will do her own thing.
What should I do if I have limited space at home and can only do my own thing in one room? This is no problem. You can decorate yourself with a lonely corner. When you need to be alone, put a fixed candle and your favorite vase to enhance the sense of ceremony after work. When these scenes are arranged properly, it indicates that you should get off work.
3. Put away your learned helplessness: "I can't, I won't, I'm afraid". You can set yourself a small goal, take a step and reward yourself.
To reverse learned helplessness's mode of thinking, we must first solve an internal obstacle, that is, "I dare not".
We often think that someone dares to do something because he is not afraid. When we encourage our children, we often say "Don't be afraid", only to find that children are still afraid. Why? Because the real courage is: I am afraid, but I will not stop doing it because I am afraid! This sentence is worth reading ten times and engraving into your subconscious. The next time you face an opportunity or challenge, you should say to yourself, "Yes, I'm a little scared and worried now, but I can't stop doing this because of fear or worry." Dear, come on! "
In addition, you can also set yourself a small goal and reward yourself if you achieve it.
Stay-at-home mothers can also have a wonderful life. The key lies in what kind of thinking you use to look at this identity, this profession and this matter! When you are improved in energy and emotion, you will live a different life!