How did I get this book? This time my roommate didn't buy it according to the bestseller list, but overheard a program in high school, which introduced Lin. I suddenly became interested in forest products, so I searched related books. It happened that Biography of Lin, Biography of San Mao and Biography of Zhang Ailing were a series, so I packed them up and bought them home. I finished it soon after I got the biography of Lin, but I hadn't started writing book reviews at that time. I intend to make up for it later. Zhang Ailing's biography has been finished some time ago, and now she has finally finished reading the third book, which is Sanmao's biography.
Before I say Sanmao, I want to talk about the writing style of this book. Let's give a few examples. For example, "in the slow journey, how much tenderness, how much infatuation and waiting, how many months of tenderness, how many times of separation and reunion, Sanmao's efforts were not in vain after all, and she realized her dream of finding love." There is also "life is like a dream, a sea, a statue is still on the moon." Let the wind and rain blow, watch the flowers bloom and fall in front of the court, let the clouds roll and relax, and the vicissitudes of life change greatly. The dream in my heart is a flower that will never be zero. "I don't know if I am old or my ideas have changed. These words always make me feel a little sticky, a little sad, and a little contrived. I didn't feel so obvious when I read the first two biographies. The writing style is also this type, but now it is inexplicably more boring. This should be regarded as a kind of beautiful prose, but I just can't digest it. Later, I thought about it. Maybe Sanmao's life is just a sad story. She has an extraordinary dream life.
What interests me most about female writers is the emotional aspect, without exception. Because I think the profession of writer itself has an innate delicate emotion, or how to write other people's works. Moreover, women writers have to add that women tend to be sentimental, and rich emotional experience will create fuller written expression, which is the standard of excellent women writers and only my personal opinion. Therefore, it is also true that I am far more curious about the emotional experience of female writers than their works, because their lives are a wonderful play, comparable to any works.
Sanmao was born in an intellectual family and had a good life, so her childhood was happy until she was promoted to the second day of junior high school. Sanmao, with average grades, made rapid progress after entering the second day of junior high school, but was questioned by the teacher. Sanmao was dissatisfied with the question and had an argument with the teacher. She was humiliated by the teacher drawing eggs on her face with ink, and her heart had serious problems, which caused her to often faint at school and was sent to hospital by her parents for treatment. Then she went back to school and began to play truant until she dropped out. After dropping out of school, Sanmao began to learn painting with the oil painting master Gu. At the age of 265,438+0, she entered the Culture University founded by Mr. Zhang Qiyun with excellent results to study philosophy, and began her first love with her younger brother Shu Fan (whose real name was Liang Guangming, who later became a famous writer).
This is San Mao's first relationship. The book says: Shu Fan is a talented and insightful boy, and San Mao's paranoia and insecurity always make him feel a little tired. Sanmao's possessiveness comes from her inner inferiority and Shu Fan's outstanding talent. At this time, Shu Fan is outstanding in the school. He always treats this love rationally and calmly, but this indifference has aroused Sanmao's desire for the dust to settle. She doesn't want to walk in the sunshine with her lover all the time, and tell passers-by their love with persistent hands and sweetness on her face. When I read this passage, I have to admit that I am a little fidgety, because paranoia and insecurity are also my two most deadly characteristics, and I have realized it. But inferiority does not exist, although I seem to have nothing to boast about. Once, I wrote in Tik Tok that insecure people are extremely sensitive and anxious, but compared with their own pain, the most uncomfortable thing is not themselves, but their partners, because they have to bear the fatigue that has nothing to do with themselves and cannot understand and feel, and they should be as tolerant and relieved as possible. This is really true. Such tolerance is purely because of love, but such love will be very tired, and many people will be so tired. So, now I try to control myself, weaken the appearance brought by these negative factors, at least make others look less nervous, and I still have to digest it slowly. But San Mao doesn't seem to realize this. She doesn't restrain herself, even indulges herself, which may be the reason why she and Shu Fan parted ways.
Sanmao proposed to Shu Fan at the end of her sophomore year, but Shu Fan didn't agree immediately, saying only that their studies had not been finished, so it was better to wait for a while. I think it's not that Shu Fan doesn't love Sanmao, but that Sanmao's fiery and sharp love makes Shu Fan's love look pale and powerless. This result is unacceptable to San Mao. When she saw that Shu Fan refused to be more and more uneasy, she began to argue and get angry. Finally, she gave Shu Fan an ultimatum, either to marry her or to leave by herself. In fact, this one is the doomed ending. Whether you go or not, separation is certain. It's like lovers moving on. You ask him whether to choose her or me. It goes without saying that it is also important to choose her, right? Because love is not a multiple choice question at all, it can only be a judgment question. Love is love, and not love is not love. As long as it becomes a multiple-choice question, you will not be given a point. Obviously, people ask you to choose whether you want it or not, and you choose A/B for them. This is the end. When San Mao impulsively threw out this multiple-choice question, she realized that it was impossible for her to be with him. 1967, 24-year-old San Mao left her parents at Taipei airport and went to Madrid, Spain. From then on, she began her own "wandering" to cure love.
The book says, "Love is like a beautiful wedding dress. The right time and the right occasion will give you icing on the cake. However, you shouldn't wear it on your body every day, because it will soon wear out, be covered with dust and lose its original luster. We can hide love in our hearts and occasionally take it out to enjoy its beauty with our lovers, but we can't hold it in our hands and walk in the sun every day. Because love is fragile, one day the hot sunshine will burn it. Not only that, if you hold love too tightly, it will be very painful. " I agree with this rationally, but I really don't want to accept it. I still have illusions and expectations about my ideal feelings. Yes, we often hear a saying, "Love is like quicksand. The tighter you hold it, the faster it flows. " We often hear a saying, "Show love and die quickly." But what I want to say is that this is love. Shouldn't pure love be hot, reckless and unreserved? Its beauty comes from irresistible impulse and mind-boggling madness. Just like Qiao Simei in a recent TV series "Qiao Family Children", love is like this from the beginning. I envy and appreciate it, but I can't do it. I think I'm not the only one who can't do it, but most adults can't do that ideal. Maybe it is still possible to be a student. I don't have to think about life and the future. As long as I am addicted to love, I love it so much that I don't regret it. But in real life, especially in the world of adults, there are too many calculations and concerns, and the consequences of calculating gains and losses will make love lose its original appearance. It's not that you won't be moved when you are old, but that you have seen the ending after being moved. A good ending process will be shortened, and a bad ending naturally has no process.
Sanmao went to Spain and studied at Shirley College in Madrid. At Christmas, she met the most important man in her life, Jose. At that time, Jose was only a senior three student. Two people in financial difficulties can only fall in love by accumulating meager living expenses, but they were also very happy at that time. Sanmao and Jose are far apart, and the age gap is actually not a problem in love. But if you want to sign a life-long contract now, it is not too difficult for Jose who is obsessed with love, but it is a real and uncertain option for Sanmao who is eager to go into exile. You see, love is love. It has nothing to do with family and future. It's just that you love me and I love you. But if you want to turn love into marriage and family life, it will be a very complicated thing. Six years, get married. Faced with such a promise, San Mao was as white as a piece of paper. I guess she is afraid, afraid that she can't bear the bondage of marriage, afraid that she will disappoint the boy who is obsessed with love or a high school student. Perhaps for Sanmao, her attachment to him is too small and insignificant to compete with marriage, so she chose to leave again, this time not to heal but to escape.
The book says, "Sometimes to love someone is not to be with him forever, nor to hold hands with him all your life, but to give up. Give up your heart for that person's future, for that person's stable life. This is the highest state of love, love to the depths, willing to let go. " I think it's a bit hypocritical. How can you like a person but not want to be with him? How can you be willing to let go? To like him is to see him every day. If you don't see him, you miss him. If you miss him, you can't sleep at night. That's right. Perhaps, some people will be willing to give up their hearts for that person's future and that person's stable life, but it must be in love with the wrong person. This is not greatness, but self-protection. This is a sober thing, knowing that going through fire and water will not end well. It is better to persuade yourself to let go. After all, it is better to give up your heart than to lose your life. But obviously San Mao does not belong to this situation. I can only say that she didn't love Jose enough, or that she loved herself more. Human nature is to protect ourselves and live selfishly, and there is no such self-sacrifice as advocated by the author.
Sanmao, who fled for love, left Spain and went to Goethe Institute in Germany to study alone. Then he went to the United States, worked in the library of Illinois State University, and returned to Taiwan Province Province at the end of the year, where he was employed by the German Department and Philosophy Department of the Cultural University. 1972, 29-year-old San Mao met a German teacher on the tennis court. From then on, another sad story began. At the first sight of Sanmao, the German teacher decided that she was the one she was looking for. I am also very emotional. Feelings are really wonderful and incredible, because you never know when you will like someone. Maybe it's just a look back, a look, a little action, or an emergency. In short, it can stimulate your hidden feelings, and it is beyond your control. In this way, in a humble drink shop, the German teacher confessed to Sanmao, and Sanmao had to be tempted by the feelings in his eyes. They appreciate each other rather than love each other. German teachers are polite gentlemen, gentle and versatile. Sanmao is a pure and mature woman with profound knowledge. This is a match made in heaven, and it comes naturally. Even if there is no romantic situation and no passion, they will be together. In front of San Mao, vigorous love seems to vanish like shame. She was moved by this quiet beauty, and unconsciously, she had learned to forgive others and let go of herself. Is this suitable? The right two people together, without those heartbroken, without that kind of extreme bitterness, may not be so deep emotionally, but they are very comfortable together, and comfort will last for a long time. After all, it is impossible for you to persist in this life. When your passion is exhausted, life will be dull, and it is that quiet and comfortable that can support the polishing of time.
If God is willing to give you a chance, then the right match, then the right two people, should be holding this hand until the end of life. However, how to write the script has never been our decision. God likes joking. He doesn't care if you can stand this joke. In short, it is good to be happy. On the eve of the wedding, the German doctor died of a heart attack ... To be honest, I really don't want to see this after reading it. It's disgusting. However, it is impossible for me with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder not to see the end, so I held my breath and finished reading the book. I don't want to express San Mao's pain in too many words. I will never see this sudden disappearance again. I dare not think. I ache all over when I think about it. It seems that it was not others but myself who died, and I don't want to say more. I know the pain of leaving.
Sanmao couldn't bear the sadness, and chose to walk away, as if wandering could solve all problems. This is a life-saving medicine. She went to Spain again, as if there was still a trace of concern there that would give her the courage to live. Yes, it is Jose. Sanmao saw him at a friend's house again. Only such a story can make people ecstatic. People who have obviously missed it suddenly appear again one day. It is so unexpected that he is behind you, not anywhere you worry about him. As soon as you turn around, he naturally holds you in his arms. If it were me, I would bury my head in his chest and hold him with all my strength for a long, long time … I won't let go. Jose is undoubtedly what love should look like for San Mao, that is, love her, love her, never doubt, never slack off. He has been waiting for her to come back and hug her. Time is not a problem at all. 1973, when she was 30 years old, they came to a small town in the western Sahara desert to get married formally. In the same year, she published China Hotel with the theme of desert for the first time under the pseudonym of Sanmao.
Life in the desert is undoubtedly hard, but no matter how hard it is, it is also a pleasure to have Jose's company. I have to admit that love has great energy, and it can play a great role at some time. They spent three sweet and happy years in the desert, and then the war came. They fled to Canary Island, and in May of the same year, San Mao's collection of desert works "The Story of the Sahara" was published by Crown Publishing House. The next two years are also unstable. She first worked with Jose in Lagos for eight months, then worked with Jose in Tenerife Island, and finally lived a stable and happy life for one year until 1979.
I think the next story is really cruel, and I want to stop here. How God hates Sanmao, and makes her suffer from love and separation. That year, Jose jumped into the sea and died ... I will never read this book again. Absolutely, I don't know how Sanmao lives, and I don't want to read anything. Later, Sanmao returned to Taiwan Province Province and paralyzed herself with a lot of work and social activities until she was exhausted and insane. She was sent to the Department of Neurology of Taipei Hospital for treatment, and then went abroad after her illness. 1986, she sold her house in Canary Island at a low price, returned to China and officially settled in Taipei. She was rated as "the most popular writer for readers".
As for San Mao and Wang, I don't think it's love. I can only say it's family. Yes, it's family, not friendship. I wrote it correctly. What should be more between them is her admiration for him and his appreciation for her. I don't want to say more here. If you are interested, you can go and see for yourself.
I was shocked about Sanmao's death. At the age of 48, she was admitted to the hospital for surgery because of gynecological diseases, but she died in the hospital bathroom and was suffocated by flesh-colored stockings. The explanation given in the book is that Sanmao was insane because of injecting anesthetic and taking sleeping pills at the same time, and then committed suicide in a daze ... I was really scared when I saw it, and my chest was difficult to breathe, but my curiosity made me Baidu. In fact, there is a great controversy about San Mao's death. Some people say it was suicide, others say it was homicide. The reason is, if she wants to commit suicide, why should she go to the hospital for treatment? That sounds reasonable. But it doesn't matter. I really don't want to watch it anymore. No matter how Sanmao died, I think she was relieved. ...
It is said that life is short, this life is short enough, and the bitterness is a bit too bitter. I'd rather believe that this is just a person's story than a real person. It's cruel. I don't know what else to say ... I'd better be careful in choosing books in the future. I'd better try not to touch those who can't stand it. Life is not easy, don't give yourself trouble.