A few days ago, I talked to my daughter's classmate's mother about the topic of "educating children to beat and scold and feel guilty after scolding". During the conversation, I found that "feeling guilty after hitting a child" is a common problem of many mothers. My friend Nizi is an "unbearable" type of mother. Sometimes watching the child walk slowly, she can't help but give a lesson. Sometimes, even children play with toys in the wrong way, so it is important to get involved. ..

Once, I invited Nizi to have a buffet in a hot pot restaurant. We also pay special attention to the safety of our own children. Nizi's 6-year-old son has always looked unexpectedly quiet. He shook his head when he asked the little guy what to eat and drink, and then looked at the film of the 5-year-old girl next to me who wanted this and that. I have always felt that Steve and I have turned the children upside down, and their personalities are completely opposite.

Under the completely opposite personalities of the two children, some people think that Steve and I are "rebellious" children, but with the follow-up contact, we know that boys and girls may have natural personality differences, but each child's nature is playful, and those who are too obedient and sensible are just self-protection.

During the dinner, Steve's nagging gave me a deep memory:

"What do you eat, spinach?"

The child nodded.

So Steve cooked half the spinach in the buffet plate in the pot. As a result, it was obvious that the children couldn't eat a full bowl of spinach, which I expected. But Steve nagged unhappily, "You said you ate spinach yourself, but now I've cooked it for you and won't eat it. You didn't waste it on purpose. " The voice of criticism and blame made me urge, "You should let him decide how many dishes to eat. It is very important for so many spinach children to eat these.

Later, while shopping on the road, Steve couldn't help nagging the children:

"Your shoelaces are loose. Didn't you see them? "

"I don't know if you can run slowly. Look at the cars on the side of the road. "

When the child walked slowly and accidentally bumped into us, Steve shouted at him, "Look at you, I don't know what else you can do." I can't help but say, "Do you always get along with children like this?" Steve said shyly, "No way. Seeing that he did something wrong, I couldn't help criticizing. I just hope they can do better. "

Sometimes she regrets Steve's "unbearable" education. For example, she just finished watching the children's All Hands Can't Do Anything Well, and regretted it in just a few seconds. She felt that what she said to her child was too ugly and wanted to apologize to her child, but she was afraid that her son would challenge her majesty and become more and more disobedient. Think about Steve and look at herself. I always feel that this is the shadow of most parents, and she is always critical of her children when she has many expectations.

Why do you say that?

First of all, people have different expectations, and they all educate their children. Some parents cultivate their children according to the goal of Tsinghua Peking University, and some children are optimistic and eager to learn. Finally, parents of Tsinghua Peking University may not be able to achieve their goals, but optimistic and studious children are more likely to enter famous schools, because parents who know how to let go can create more opportunities for their children to make progress in practice.

Secondly, the same scenery can also present Qian Qian's vision, and the goal of educating children can be unified, but there are many forks in the process of education. For example, we saw a child playing mobile phone with headphones. Some people say that this child is spoiled by his parents, and some people say that today's children are playing games to deny their parents, but in fact, the child is listening to English words with headphones.

Finally, the growth of children is as changeable as our vision, but what is certain is that every time we are strict with our children, we have a regret that we have never realized. For example, when we were studying, we were particularly eager for the freedom of working, but when we really abandoned our study and embarked on the journey of working, we regretted not going to school well. These regrets are aroused again only when we give birth to the next generation.

Therefore, those parents who can't help feeling guilty after hitting their children are not dissatisfied with their children, but with themselves. Be careful when those dissatisfied regrets are remembered, the only cry in my heart is "Don't let my children go this way again", because they are afraid that their children will go the wrong way they have gone, and they will comment step by step when their children make mistakes.

Then, how can parents mediate this morbid state when they feel guilty after hitting their children?

1, don't put regrets on children to realize a dream.

Everyone has a lot of regrets. Behind our hope that children will grow up better, we must let go of the regrets of realizing their dreams in children. Letting go of the regret of realizing dreams is to face the growth of children with a relaxed attitude. Only by letting go of this burdensome heart can we see the Excellence of our children, that is to say, we care about their growth more than we pay attention to reading. Although learning is very important, learning must not be the result of parents' urging everywhere, but depends on the self-discipline of children who are willing to take the initiative to learn.

Children's self-discipline in learning depends on years of accumulation, which requires children's initiative and independence. Only when children take learning seriously will they have the same return. Therefore, instead of putting their regrets on their children to realize their dreams, parents may wish to pay attention to their children's mentality and tell them that "you can decide what to do by yourself, but you must bear the consequences". Usually take children to feel the sufferings of the world, don't just live in beauty. Sometimes adversity can stimulate their subconscious ability.

2. Change the results to focus on the details of children's growth.

It is not easy for children to have a habitual self-discipline in learning, just as we look at children's growth. We're not saying that we can set them free. We also have to worry about the greed and abuse of children. The same is true of children's self-discipline learning. When children's attitude towards learning changes, I believe that no parents can calmly show indifference, especially when a meal or a scolding can curb their children.

Behind the impatience of "no way", the result is often higher than the process development. At this time, it is necessary to focus on the changes in details. Learning itself is a dull atmosphere with no sense of activity. If you can't get praise and support from the details, children can't see hope, and they can't maintain good self-discipline learning. Although learning is not self-discipline for others to see, the process of hard work is indeed a reminder of self-discipline and the influence of benchmarking.

3. Give the other person 15 minutes to calm down.

It is sometimes really difficult to educate children to control their emotions, and the method of controlling emotions is not omnipotent. What's more, people have different ideas and personalities, so the method of controlling emotions is not absolute, but more about how to adjust how to think. In order to avoid losing control of emotions and make things worse, it is suggested to give yourself and your child 15 minutes to calm down when the child is about to lose his temper. We can go back to our room and take a deep breath to adjust our mood.

After 15 minutes of mutual calm, I believe that the children's emotional anxiety is much better than before. At this time, parents hold the education of "don't turn over old scores, don't beat and scold children", take current affairs as an example, ask more questions about "what do you think this will be like" and suggest more questions about "what else can you do". It is believed that children can finally make a decision by asking more questions and giving more suggestions.