How do parents manage their emotions? The following is a detailed interpretation for everyone. If you find it useful, please collect it quickly!

First, reduce their stress and anxiety levels.

The reason why I put it in the first article shows its importance. Because if our stress and anxiety levels are relatively high, no matter how good our emotional management ability is, a single spark can start a prairie fire.

I am deeply touched by this. I remember when my son was 4 years old, my husband returned to China, and the company was undergoing restructuring. I was exhausted from working overtime. As soon as my son didn't "obey", I immediately got angry, beat and scolded my son, faced the wall and closed the darkroom in an attempt to discipline him in this way. I remember one weekend afternoon, I got a call from my boss. There was something wrong with the system, and I was asked to attend a conference call. Several computer programmers and several big bosses are online. I am always careful not to let my son watch TV. That day, I pushed a lot of DVDs borrowed from the library to my son and told him that his mother was busy at work, so he had to watch videos by himself and leave her alone. A few hours later, when my son walked into the study, he said piteously, "Mom, I think I watched too much TV today. I want you to play with me. " The intense work made me completely lose my mind. I shouted at my son, "Can't you see my mother is busy?" When the poor son saw his mother angry, he began to cry loudly. This is adding fuel to the fire. I raised my voice and shouted, "Why are you crying?" (Writing here, I feel my eyes moist-poor son, it's all my mother's fault! )

Children are very pestering and emotional, and cry at the slightest thing. Parents who take care of their children know that taking care of their children is too tiring, and it is much easier to go to work than taking care of their children. Coupled with housework, every Friday night, I seem to feel that my temper is blocking my throat and the volcano is about to erupt. Noting this problem, I took some measures to relieve my stress.

Take care of yourself.

Give yourself two to three hours to relax every weekend. A cup of coffee and a good book are my favorite things. After my husband came back from overseas, every Saturday morning, I threw my son to my husband and went to the bookstore to have a cup of coffee and read a book. After an hour, I obviously felt that my mood was slowly declining, and then I went for a walk or went shopping outside. When I get home, I feel refreshed and energetic, and I feel that I have enough energy to cope with the next week. And strangely enough, when I am in a good mental state, I feel more tolerant of my son's "no" and a little "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", so the ignition point is naturally high.

I think it is very important to have 2-3 hours of my own time every week. You can choose to do anything that relaxes you, such as running, fitness, yoga, making friends, beauty, reading, shopping and so on. My husband likes playing golf, skiing in winter and sometimes playing Texas Hold 'em with friends at night. I am very supportive of his going, and he is in a much better mood when he comes back. Therefore, it is very important to have hobbies, which is of great help to adjust life interest, reduce life pressure and manage emotions.

Professor KennethGinsburg of the University of Pennsylvania told parents at the 20 15 annual meeting of PCE Club.

"The best gift you can give your child is to take care of yourself. When you take good care of yourself, you are setting an example to show how a tenacious person, a happy person who loves life, a caring person and a meaningful person live. If all our lives are centered on children, our lives will be eclipsed, lacking interest and pursuit, and children will not be full of hope and embarrassment for their future. "

Understand each other, improve the relationship between husband and wife, and reduce the pressure of housework.

During my husband's return to China, I asked my aunt to help me clean and cook dinner every day. Even after my husband returned to America, we still asked my aunt to clean once a week, which helped me a lot and gave me more time to do what I like. This is one of the smartest "investments" I think.

Husband and wife need to communicate with each other to understand their own and each other's stress and anxiety levels. Be considerate of each other and try your best to help them reduce their stress. Give each other 2 ~ 3 hours' rest every week, so that each of them has time to relax. When you are in a good mood, family relations will definitely improve. A harmonious family is conducive to improving the mood of each family member, thus reducing the chance of getting angry and moving towards a virtuous circle.

Reduce children's extracurricular activities appropriately and slow down the pace of life.

A mother once told me that she sent her two children to various interest classes almost every day. She was so tired and exhausted that she didn't even have a chance to catch her breath. She found it easy to lose her temper over a trivial matter, feel guilty after finishing it, and hide in the car and cry. I suggested that she cut one or two children's interest classes. She said, "Those interest classes are all children's favorite, and children don't agree to cut them." I told her that mom plays a decisive role in a family atmosphere. It is difficult for an unhappy mother to have happy children. A child with a bad mood and a knot in his heart will definitely affect his healthy development in other aspects. Many children's behavioral deviations, on the surface, are children's poor performance, in fact, children have emotional knots. Parents without good emotional management will affect the parent-child relationship. On balance, is it obvious to cut off one or two interest classes? In addition, children should also understand that parents' physical and mental health is also very important. Children should also consider their parents' schedules when choosing interest classes. The whole family is not child-centered.

In addition, if the child's activities are too full and there is not enough leisure time, it will also affect the child's mood and make the child irritable and anxious.

Second, look at children's problems from a developmental perspective.

We should remind ourselves whether we have unrealistic expectations for our children when we want to get angry. The growth of any living thing must follow its natural laws, let alone human beings. Looking back on the growth process of children, we found that many children were huge problems at that time, but later it was found that they were not problems, but the only way for children to grow up.

For example, when my son was in kindergarten, it took him half an hour to have breakfast alone. My husband and I were in a hurry and kept urging: hurry up! Hurry up! Seeing that my son is still so unhurried, I feel a nameless fire going straight to my forehead. Now it takes 15 minutes for a 0/3-year-old son to get up and have breakfast. Looking back, there are too many such things. A lot of troubles and anger are caused by my ignorance of the natural laws of children's physical and mental growth.

The child's brain is responsible for rational thinking, logical judgment and self-control. If you let your child leave when he says, stop when he says, and do as he says, do you treat your child as a robot? Because no child can do it, even we adults can't do it at all. Knowing this truth, what reason do we have to ignore the limitations of children's physical and mental development and ask them? It is wrong for us to make unrealistic demands on our children. We are angry because our children can't meet our unrealistic demands, which is even more wrong. We blamed the children for being angry. Are we making mistakes? !

I remember a famous host in China told me that his father beat him when he was a child. He said that no matter how his father beat him to admit his mistake, he still didn't understand what was wrong.

After all, children see things differently from adults. Even if our requirements are right, we can choose to communicate with our children calmly and share the truth of our life and work with them, so that children can learn these truths in the process of growing up and experience them through experience.

We often get angry because we think: I have told him so many times, why can't he change?

Then let's ask ourselves, we all know it's bad to be angry, but how much have we changed over the years? We all know the benefits of exercising every day, but how many of us can do it? As adults, it is difficult for us to get rid of some bad habits for so many years. Why do we ask our children to change after telling them several times?

From "I know" to "I can do it" is a qualitative leap, which needs to be based on quantitative change (a long time, a lot of experiences and feelings). If we are not prepared for a "long-term war", it will be difficult for us to persevere patiently and confidently.

The responsibility of parents is not to command and blame, but to care, guide and help children sum up experiences and lessons, so as to grow up and let children grow up at their own pace of life. Therefore, it is not enough for us to have love, but also to have patience, patience and patience.

I think so, too. As long as something my son does shows a trend of progress for a long time (such as days or weeks or even years), then I don't need to worry too much about my son's shortcomings at the moment.

For example, a few days ago, my son came home from playing basketball at 9: 30 in the evening (usually he should go upstairs to get ready for bed) and said he wanted something to eat before going upstairs. When he was called up, he was happy to tell me that he didn't bring his iPad. I praised him, gave him a hug and said, "I love you, good night!" " . If I insist on whether my son strictly implements the system every time, my son will drive me crazy if he is an hour late. I'm glad I chose the first one wisely.

When children are young, the system can be stricter and let them know our requirements. However, as children grow older, we should give them more decision-making power to mobilize their initiative, that is, to provide them with a soil for their thinking to change from "what do you want me to do" to "what should I do".

Sometimes parents are angry because they don't understand their children's learning ability and expect too much from their children's learning.

Give an example of a husband teaching his son arithmetic. When my son was in the first grade, one day my husband didn't know which tendon to draw, and suddenly said that he would teach his son to do addition. My husband is impatient and demanding of himself and others. I vaguely feel that "something is wrong." The first stage for a husband to teach his son is 1 plus 2 digits, but there is no need to carry it. My son did everything right, because the school was teaching, and my husband was in a good mood and praised his son. The second stage is 1 plus 2 digits. This time, we must take it with us. Although the school hasn't taught it yet, my son has worked hard and learned it. My husband was eager to win and started the third stage. Two digits plus two digits need to be moved, and my son is obviously a little tired. The husband explained it several times, and his mouth showed a trace of impatience, so his son passed the exam in a muddle.

The next day, the husband called his son to the table again and asked him to do what he learned yesterday again. My son doesn't remember at all. "Didn't you do it yesterday? Why not do it today?" My husband was a little angry, and then Tao Tao spent more than 20 minutes explaining the principle of mathematics from all angles. The son looked at his father blankly and could see that the little guy's brain had stopped working. The husband continued to increase the difficulty, giving more digits of addition, and told his son that if he knew mathematical principles, he could extrapolate, and if he knew two digits of addition, he would add five digits. After addition, he can use subtraction to verify whether the addition is correct. Looking at my son's stupefied expression, I knew that his son was walking on a cloud, and his son began to use subtraction when he added it to the middle. The husband couldn't help shouting, "How can you be so stupid!" My son began to cry.

Alas, being a parent is really a knowledge, and every parent has taken a detour. If parents are impatient, please don't teach their children, because you will get angry. It's not that the child is stupid, but that you haven't found the key to make the child understand. If you are angry because of advanced education, and your child has not learned it many times, please follow the natural law of your child's growth. A child learns problems in advanced education for several days or even weeks, and then it takes hours or even minutes at an appropriate time. Why make it difficult for children and yourself?

When we are obsessed with the problem at hand, think about whether he (she) will be like this at the age of 20. A 20-year-old man without special learning disabilities can't add, can he? Looking at children from a developmental perspective, the immediate problem will not be a problem. Will it be a lot easier?

Third, ask yourself: Is this really so serious?

Naomi Aldert, the author of Raising Our Children and Raising Our Ego (Chinese title "Perfect Education"), points out in the book:

"Children are the fuse of your anger, not the cause of your anger. He shouldn't be responsible for your emotions. The child's behavior starts your inner program and asks you to do it according to its arrangement. Although you can't choose this automatic response, you can choose not to follow its instructions. You can listen to your heart and get rid of your impulses, so as to better care for your children and not be disturbed by habitual reactions.

Parents often call me because their children's behavior makes them feel at a loss. They wanted to respond in good faith, but found that they couldn't do it anyway.

It is our thoughts that prevent us from understanding children and make us unable to find appropriate responses. There is no right or wrong behavior of children, they are just expressions of emotional and physical needs, or childish games. However, when our thoughts immediately evaluate children's behavior, our response comes not from children, but from our own explanation of children's behavior.

Our thinking always complicates problems, such as a toy that a child took from his sister. At this time, parents may think of a voice in their minds, accusing their children of being heartless or rude. But in the child's own view, this is just a simple action. Maybe he thinks it's fun and wants this toy, but he hasn't established the consciousness of taking care of his sister. Maybe he wants to see his sister's reaction. Maybe he wants to get your attention. Observe the child objectively, don't label him arbitrarily, and don't over-analyze, so that you can respond positively and peacefully.

We can recall that many times children just instinctively express their basic physiological needs, and the results of our over-analysis push us to anger.

I have had such an experience. Usually, my son eats a kind of spaghetti. One day, I wanted to make a change, so I changed the way of pasta. When rice was served at dinner, I was very proud of my creativity and thought my son would like it very much. Who knows the son looked at the spaghetti in the bowl and said, "What is this?" After eating two bites, he put down his chopsticks and said, "It tastes terrible. Why didn't you ask me first? I don't want to eat. " Get up and leave.

The husband said beside him, "Mom wants to change something for your own good." My feeling at that time was that I was working hard in the kitchen and you were ungrateful and ungrateful. I feel that the fire is rising, and my subconscious really wants to buckle the bowl of spaghetti on my son's head. But another voice is telling itself: calm down, calm down, if I really do that stupid move, I will regret it for the rest of my life. It took me a few seconds to sort out my emotions and said, "Oh, don't eat this, so that my mother will ask your advice before changing it in the future." But if you don't eat tonight, I won't have time to cook. You can see what you can eat in the refrigerator. "

When we are emotional, it is easy to magnify the seriousness of things and put children's complaints on the moral level. What we see is actually not the thing itself, but our incorrect translation and assumption of the thing. This way of thinking can only add fuel to the fire.

I accepted my son's mood, but I didn't cook dinner again. Because I hope my son also needs to respect the time of adults. I once shared that my son's personality is a long process to adapt to anything new. For example, he is still wearing the pajamas he wore five years ago. Although they were small and old, he insisted on not changing them. For the favorite author, he has been reading the author series books back and forth for several years. I thought about food for a while, and my son did tell me not to change food casually, and I had to ask his advice if I wanted to change it. He said he didn't mind going back and forth for just a few dishes.

Afterwards, I also communicated with my son how to express my opinions with respect. For example, he can say in a calm tone, "Mom, thank you for trying a new way to eat for me!" " But I told you, you'd better ask my advice before you change, okay? "

Show children the correct way to communicate.

Guest speaker at the annual meeting of PCE Club 20 15: Dr. Kenneth Ginsberg, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and a famous writer, told parents at the annual meeting:

"Telling children what is wrong can't help them, but it is useful to let them know what is right."

We often like to tell children what is wrong, but we don't tell them what the right way should be. This is a mistake that many parents easily make. On the contrary, telling children what they have done wrong in the right way is a positive, constructive and more acceptable way of communication. Children not only learn lifelong benefits through things, but also deepen the understanding between parents and children and strengthen the parent-child relationship through this matter. Therefore, this way of accepting emotions through communication, calmly handling problems on the basis of facts and helping children grow up has gradually formed the communication habit of every member of my family.

Share one thing: my son put the bowl in the dishwasher every night, and he was reluctant to do it every day from the beginning. He has persisted for many years. In the first year or two, my son needed me to remind him. Of course, occasionally, although my son forgot, I washed it myself, and then reminded my son to remember next time. One morning a few days ago, I found my son put the dishes in the dishwasher and forgot to wash them. I told my son to go downstairs and tell him the situation. He looked at it, said "Oh" and turned to leave. I immediately called him back and said, "Oh, you haven't washed the dishes yet?"

My husband said beside me, "You should learn to be responsible, so that you can have trust." Although my husband spoke calmly, my son was still a little upset and acted recklessly when he turned off the dishwasher. The husband finally got angry and severely criticized his son for his bad attitude, lack of responsibility and bad faith.

After this incident, I talked with my son for more than half an hour. My son doesn't talk much, and many answers are "I don't know". It is very difficult to get something out of him. But I still encourage my son to speak his mind patiently, ask questions without judgment, and then listen. My son finally told me that he thought it was a little annoying for his father to lecture on the class.

I told my son that mom and dad love you very much. When mom and dad are parents for the first time, they will make many mistakes. I hope you can tell us what you really think, so as to help mom and dad understand what kind of communication mode you think is suitable for you. The ultimate goal is to hope that every family member is willing to express his true thoughts and let the family have a harmonious atmosphere of mutual concern.

I asked my son, "What do you think of mom's conversation?" The son replied: "Good". I asked my son again, "Why don't you tell Dad how you feel when you think Dad is bothering you?" The son replied, "It makes no difference whether you tell him or not."

I asked, "What do you mean?" The son replied, "Tell him that he won't change either." Son, this sentence forced me into silence.

To tell you the truth, I am really proud of my son. He helps the family do housework every day and has done it for so many years without complaining. I often tell him that he has done better than many peers in this respect and he should be proud of himself. Children occasionally forget to do something, just remind them. Who hasn't forgotten anything? ! Is it necessary to mention the degree of responsibility and reliability?

Does this really reflect the moral level of children?

A few days ago, a parent told me something that worried her son: one day, I was driving my son out and met a man who was driving illegally on the road. The son said something like "this kind of person should be killed by a car". The parent thinks his son is "unfriendly". How could he say such a thing? "

I replied to her: Did you ask your son what he meant? I wonder if he means "those who don't obey the traffic rules will pay for it"? If so, there is nothing wrong with this sentence itself. Sometimes when a child says a word, parents don't listen and don't understand the child's thoughts, so they judge the child's thoughts subjectively based on their own understanding and speculation. For example, you use the preconceived idea that children are not kind to guess children. I think you should know your son. He is not the kind of child who doesn't cherish other people's lives, is he?

This can be traced back to Naomi Aldott's book "When our thoughts immediately evaluate children's behavior, our response is not from children, but from our own explanation of children's behavior. Our thinking always complicates the problem. Observe the child objectively, don't label him at will, and don't over-analyze, so that you can respond positively and peacefully. "

For another example, when my son was about 3 or 4 years old, he came home from the supermarket and found that he had taken the lollipop from the store. Many parents think that their children are dishonest and will severely punish them. I hope the children will remember this lesson. But I don't think such a young child has the concept of stealing at all, just because of his physiological instinct of "wanting to eat" Of course, this behavior of children is wrong, but what we should think about is the way we handle this matter. Should children remember our anger? Or teach children what to learn from this? I told my son calmly that the things in the shop need to be paid and can't be taken home casually. I took my son back to the store and returned the lollipop to the store.

I recommend a book by Ian James Corey, E stands for Ethics: How to Talk to Children about Morality, Values and the Most Important Things. There are 26 articles in this book, all of which use children's short stories to teach children a moral concept, such as honesty, responsibility, fairness, respect, trust, friendliness and integrity. This book is very suitable for children under 10 When my son was young, I often read this book with him, and sometimes I combined my son's behavior that day. Because this book conveys the truth of being a man and doing things in the form of a short story, it is easier for children to absorb, which is much better than our truth.

Traffic light method

Some parents get angry for a low reason. Sometimes they get angry several times a day because they don't prioritize things and regard small things as big things. No wonder they get angry easily.

Dr Janine Walker Chaffrey is the author of Driving Force: 9 Ways to Motivate Children to Achieve their Goals. She taught her parents the concept of dividing things into three categories: red light, green light and yellow light.

Red light: very important things, such as safety and morality, parents must check.

Green light: refers to small things, allowing children to make their own decisions, and sometimes expressing their opinions to remind children.

Yellow light: Most other things belong to yellow light. For things that belong to the yellow light, parents can often communicate with their children, provide information and possible natural results, and sometimes set some rules, but give them some opportunities to experience natural results and avoid detours.

Combined with the situation of my family:

Examples of me running a red light: for example, respecting others, helping with housework, and riding a bike must wear a helmet.

Example of my yellow light: for example, playing video games.

Examples of the green light in my house: for example, the room is in a mess, the handwriting is bad, the spelling is wrong, when I was a child, I dropped meals and bowls, decided when to wash clothes, what clothes to wear, and what hairstyle I wanted to wear when I was a teenager. Although I may not like it, I won't object, because I know the law of teenagers' physical and mental development.

For example, my son sometimes wears very little clothes in cold weather. I reminded him to feel the temperature outside, but what clothes to wear was his business. I'm cold and not cold. I don't care.

Another example is washing clothes. 1 1 started washing clothes by himself. Sometimes he forgets to wash, so he takes the dirty clothes out of the basket and puts them on. Sometimes I wear dirty clothes for a few days, and then I decide to wash them myself. I reminded him from time to time at first, but later I decided that it was none of my business. He must think it is his responsibility to take care of his life. So I bit my lip and swallowed what I had to say. It's a red light to ask my son to wash clothes, and a green light when he washes clothes.

As can be seen from the above, in some parents, it is a red light, but in my case, it may be downgraded to a yellow light or even a green light. Everything that belongs to the green light is a trivial matter, which is not worth worrying about at all, let alone being angry. I suggest you record things that you are often angry about, and then classify them by red light, green light and yellow light to see if you have upgraded many things that belong to green light to yellow light or even red light. It's none of your business. It's easy to catch your eyebrows and beard, and it's strange not to get angry often.

Things are different, so are our countermeasures.

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