2. The biting invigilator found a student cheating, so he angrily pointed at the student and shouted: You ... you ... you ... you ... you dare to cheat, stand up! Then five students stood up!
3. A mental patient screamed: I am the president, and you all have to listen to me! The attending doctor asked him: Who said that? Patient: God said. A patient next to him jumped up at once: I never said that!
The cars of Xinjiang people and Henan people collided. Xinjiang people came down to have a look and thought there was nothing wrong with the car, so they said forget it. Henan people also smiled and said no problem, so they took out a bottle of wine from the car. Henan people: Brother, there is nothing wrong with the car. Let's drink some wine to suppress our shock! Xinjiang people took a swig of wine and handed it to Henan people. Xinjiang people: Brother, have some, too.
Henan people: I'm in no hurry. I'll drink it when the police come and see it
A woman lost her way in the forest and was spoiled by the Monkey King after being caught by a monkey.
I went home a few months later and gave birth to a child. The husband waited anxiously outside the delivery room.
At last the doctor came out.
Husband: Are mother and child safe?
Doctor: Everything is all right.
Husband: Boys and girls?
Doctor: I don't know. I ran away without seeing it clearly when I was born, and now I still refuse to come down on the chandelier.
6. The husband drove out.
My wife listens to the radio at home. When she heard the report, she quickly picked up the phone.
Wife: honey, I just heard on the radio that there is a car reversing on the expressway. You must be careful.
Husband: Which one is it? I think hundreds of cars are going backwards.
7. Robber: "Tell me the safe password! Don't say kill you! " Female employee: "Don't tell me if you kill me! I won't say anything if you spoil me! " The robber looked her up and down and said, "You should be beautiful!" "
8. The mother bird burst into tears, and the male bird said angrily, "How many times have I told you that this ring was worn by the bird research station, not a wedding ring! I'm not married! "
9. During the airborne exercise, the officer asked: How many recruits are there this year? The little soldier said: Look at your ass when you fall! The officer said, why? The little soldier said, there are footprints on the recruits' ass!
10, remember? When you went to the TV station to sing a song, four referees and three fell down. Fortunately, a referee came on stage and shook hands with you excitedly and said, talent! It costs money for others to sing, and your singing is fatal!
1 1. Several people watched the sunrise, and one pointed to the treetops and said, I saw it. Others also said they saw it. At this time, someone came out from behind the tree with trousers: I saw it when I saw it. What are you yelling about? !
12, the old lady on the bus is afraid of missing the stop and asks at every stop. When the bus arrived at the first stop, she kept stabbing the driver with an umbrella: "Is this the convention center?" "No, it's ribs!"
13, I was chatting with a group of female colleagues this afternoon, and suddenly someone said I was not a man. I was angry. I said, you said I wasn't. I showed it to you. The girls all laughed, and one of them said, you pay, you pay.
So ... I took out my ID card.
14. Snakes, ants, spiders and centipedes play mahjong at home. After eight laps, the cigarette was finished. Let's discuss who to buy cigarettes for. The snake said, I have no feet. I'm not going. Let the ants go. The ant said: A spider has eight feet, more than mine. Let the spider go. The spider said: I can't beat the centipede with more feet. Release the centipede. The centipede was helpless, thinking: No way, who let me have more feet? So the centipede went out to buy cigarettes ... for more than an hour, the centipede didn't come back. Two hours later, the centipede didn't come back to buy cigarettes. So everyone let the spider go out and have a look. As soon as the spider went out, he saw the centipede sitting at the door. The spider was very angry and asked, why don't you go? Everyone is waiting. The centipede was also anxious and said, nonsense! You have to wait for me to put on my shoes! ! !
15, late at night, Mr. Wang finished correcting the last test paper, turned on the radio wearily, and wanted to listen to music to relax. DJ's voice came from the radio: "All the students in Class X, Grade Three, xx Middle School dedicated this song to their beloved teacher Wang xx, thanking him for giving them countless exercises over the years (especially this year) and precious practice opportunities ..." Hearing this, Mr. Wang's eyes were moist, and his tired face showed a gratified smile. The DJ went on to say, "... now let's listen to this song, Li Huimin's" You won't have a good result "..." The teacher turned pale, foaming at the mouth and fell to the ground. ...
16, one day you stood on the bus platform and laughed, causing passers-by to look at you like a rare animal. One of them asked you why you giggled. You fought back your laughter and said proudly, I fooled the ticket buyer and didn't get on the bus.
17. The man didn't catch the bus until he got home. When he came back, he told his wife that he missed the bus, but it didn't matter. He exercised and earned 2 yuan. His wife was angry at that time and said, "You are so stupid! If you want to catch a taxi, at least earn a starting price. "
18, a classmate who had a teacher's QQ changed his QQ name to "before your father died" in retaliation for the teacher, so the teacher looked sad every day: your father added you as a friend before his death, stole your food before his death, watered your Hua Teng before his death, invited you to play with friends before his death, and updated his QQ space before his death. What's more, your father.
Mrs. Mary was taken to court for running a red light. The judge stared at her and asked, "Mrs. Mary?" Yes, you used to be a teacher in Xicheng primary school? Yes, how do you know? The judge smiled. I am your student. Mrs Mary smiled and relaxed. The judge went on to say, I have waited for this day for more than 20 years, and now I punish you for copying 1000 times. "I made a mistake when I ran the red light. I won't do it again."
20. Xiaoming and Xiaohua went to the zoo to play. When they entered the door, Xiao Ming pointed to Xiaohua and said to the doorman, "Look clearly! Come out later, don't say I stole your monkey! "
2 1. A man sells popsicles in the market for the first time. He was embarrassed to sell them. There was a man shouting "selling popsicles" next to him, so he had to shout "me too."
22. Foreigners who have learned some Mandarin. Say hello to the secretary in the morning. "How are you?" The young lady stared at him. He paused and immediately said to her, "Hello, Mom!" " "
23. Two drunks were driving at a gallop. A: "Be careful! There is a sharp turn ahead. " B: "What? Aren't you driving? "
24. A customer angrily ran into the tailor's shop and pointed to the fashion designed by the shopkeeper for him, saying, "I was standing on the street corner yawning, and two people actually put a letter in my mouth!"
25. A farmer's daughter was so ugly that he had to let her be a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, not only did she scare away the crows, but even three crows were scared to send some corn back.
26. China, Americans and Jews were drinking together, and three flies flew into their drinks. China took an important cup without flies, but the Americans ignored it and drank it. The Jews grabbed the fly and shouted, spit it out! Spit out your drink!
27. There is an extremely ugly orangutan in the zoo. One day I went to see it and I threw up. You went to see it, and the gorilla vomited ... I was bored. Why is the difference between people so big?
28. A farmer went to a car sales center and saw him take out 2000 yuan and pat it on the table: "Give me a Santana." The salesman was surprised: "You don't have enough money!" The farmer is puzzled: "Isn't Santana 2000 written outside?" Shop assistant: "oh ... then go out and turn right." That company's Mercedes is only 600! " "
29. A gentleman went to take a driver's license test. During the oral examination, the examiner asked, "You saw a dog and a man in front of the car. Did you run over the dog or the man?"
Without thinking, the gentleman replied, "Of course, he ran over the dog."
The examiner shook his head and said, "Come back next time."
The gentleman is not convinced: "I don't run over dogs, do I run over people?"
The examiner reprimanded loudly: "You should brake."
30. Eyesight training is being carried out in the class.
A clever recruit was called out by the monitor to count the diggers in the distant wilderness. Those people looked like little people, but the recruits answered without hesitation: sixteen soldiers and a sergeant, sir.
Correct, but how did you know there was a sergeant there?
He doesn't work, sir.
One day, Xiaozhen's mother saw Xiaozhen's father rummaging through things and asked Xiaozhen, "What is your father looking for?"
Xiaozhen said doubtfully, "I don't know, maybe it's for you or grandma."
Mom is very confused.
Xiaozhen went on to say, "because he said grandma's while looking, it's really fucking hard to find."
32. Teacher: "There is something that is covered with beautiful feathers and wakes you up every morning. What is it? " Child: "It's a feather duster!" " "
Husband: "why did you give that beggar so much money at once?" He is pretending to be blind! "
Wife: "Didn't you hear him say to me,' Beautiful and kind lady ...'"
Husband: "It seems that he is really blind!" " "
34. Several scientists are having a meeting together. Someone asked, 1 1 times 1 1 how much is it? American scientists can't wait to put out their feet. China scientists immediately answered 12 1. American scientists immediately severely criticized: How can mathematics be fooled? Science is a very serious topic. Then I took out my calculator and pressed it for a long time. It really is 12 1. I can't help wondering: damn, you are really accurate.
35. A boy is chasing a girl, but the girl is not interested in him and tells him the truth repeatedly, but the boy
But still stubborn. One day, the girl couldn't help it. Under the boy's repeated pestering, she suddenly turned around and said angrily:
"What do you like about me? Can't I change it? "
36. Xiaoming occupies four seats in the cinema. Someone told him to get up, but Xiao Ming only thanked him twice and didn't move. The security guard came over and said, Yuck ~ Brother, which way is it? Xiao Ming gritted his teeth and said, I fell in the corridor upstairs!
37. The little turtle saw an ant practicing long-distance running and asked, What are you doing, slow? Ant: I am practicing long-distance running. The tortoise said contemptuously, come up and I'll show you. A snail on the turtle's back saw the ant and said, Sit tight, you are old!
The farmer visited the orchard and found a little boy climbing the apple tree. "problem children, wait and see, I'm going to tell your father!" The boy raised his head and shouted at the top, "Dad, someone wants to talk to you!" " "
39. The elephant accidentally stepped on the ant nest, and the ants came out and climbed on the elephant. The elephant shook and the ant fell, leaving an ant on the elephant's neck. Underground ants shouted in unison: strangle it!
40. A jet fighter roared past in the air. The bird was surprised when it saw it. The bird said, "Mom, why does that bird fly so fast?" Mother bird: "Try setting a fire on your ass."
4 1. Two mountain friends go climbing together. One of them accidentally fell into the valley ... the other shouted, "Are you hurt?" I only heard the echo from the abyss: "I don't know, I'm still falling ..."
42. One day, Xiao Ming dressed up and drove a sports car. He was very excited to go to the party. He thought that the conditions were so good that he must be the favorite of many hot girls, but he appointed three dinosaur sisters to take his car. Xiao Ming was so angry that he didn't want to say a word and drove with a long face. Unexpectedly, the dinosaur sisters spoke: handsome boy, you are in a bad mood! Otherwise, why don't you talk? Xiao Ming replied coldly: Have you ever seen a garbage truck driver talk to garbage?
43. once
The professor had a good time in class.
I found someone sleeping.
I was so angry that I asked my classmates to wake him up.
I didn't expect the student to say disdainfully ....
"You let him sleep. Call yourself. "
44. The priest asked his parishioners, "What do you want others to say when you are lying in the coffin?" One person said, "I hope others will say that I am rich." Another person said, "I hope others will say that I am helpful." The third man said, "I hope others will say,' Look, he seems to be moving!'" " "
45. On the train, passenger A's mobile phone is missing. He insisted that the second passenger sitting next to him stole it. However, after a while, passenger A found the mobile phone in another pocket. So, he was embarrassed to apologize to passenger B.
Passenger b calmly replied: "it doesn't matter. I treated you like a gentleman just now, and you treated me like a thief. It seems that we are both wrong. "
46. A complained to B, "There is no meaner person in the world than my neighbor! The hammer is reluctant to lend it to me, as if it were broken after use. "
B said, "What did you do later?"
Answer: "No way, I have to take out my own hammer to use!" " "
47. A young man proposed to a girl. The girl said, "However, we have only known each other for three days. Do you know me? "
The young man quickly said, "Yes, yes, I have known you for a long time."
"Really?"
"Yes, I worked in a bank for three years. I know how much money your father has. "
48. Mrs John bought beef and went home. She found that the beef had been watered. The next day, she found a beef merchant theory.
The businessman said frankly, "I originally sold buffalo!" " "
49. A man knocked down a strange old man on a motorcycle in downtown!
That man was scared out of his wits! More and more people are watching!
Suddenly, the man hugged the old man and cried in tears: "Dad, wait for me, I'll find a doctor for you!" " "
After that, he ran away . .
The old man struggled and shouted angrily, "Come back here!" "
Everyone expressed their feelings: "This son is really filial!"
50. The manager of the company asked people to hang the slogan "Do it at once if you want" on the wall, hoping to inspire employees!
After a while, a friend of the boss asked him how effective this measure was.
The boss said angrily: "The cashier ran away with 654.38+ 10,000 yuan, and the office director eloped with my female secretary, and dozens of employees asked for a raise together!"
5 1, a child stood by the blacksmith's shop and watched the blacksmith strike while the iron was hot! The blacksmith hated her a little, so he took out the red-hot iron and put it in front of the child to scare him!
The child winked and said, "If you give me a dollar, I will lick it!" " "
Hearing this, the blacksmith immediately took out a dollar and gave it to the little girl!
The child took the money, licked it with his tongue, put it in his pocket and left. ...
52. An old couple born on the same day in the same year celebrated their 60th birthday!
During the dinner, god came and said that he could satisfy the two wishes of husband and wife!
The old woman said, "My dream is to travel around the world."
God waved his wand, wow! Dig out a pile of plane tickets.
The old man said, "I want to live with a woman 30 years younger than myself."
God waved his wand, wow! Turned the old man into 90 years old!
53. Xiao Qiang made a speech at the rally, and the people below were all ears!
Xiao Qiang said, "I hate two kinds of people the most! One is racist, one is black and the third is illiterate! "
The people below were sweating like a pig. . .
In a very cold winter, two beggars, an old man and a young man, went begging in the morning. They walked to the door of a restaurant and waited for the boss to throw leftovers.
Many things grind, and soon the boss came out with a bucket of leftovers. The little beggar hurried up to eat, while the old beggar stood still.
Because the weather is very cold and the meal is very cold, the little beggar wants to vomit after eating a few bites, so he vomits!
Then the old beggar rushed up and said, "I'm waiting for your spicy mouth."
55, there is a couple, the husband is very stingy!
One morning, the husband woke up to find his wife dead in bed.
He jumped up quickly, looked pale and stumbled down the stairs, shouting, "maid!" " Maid! "
The maid replied, "Sir! What is it? "
The husband shouted, "boiling an egg for breakfast is enough!" "
56. A group of fireflies are flying in the air, and one of them doesn't shine!
The other asked him curiously, "Brother, why don't you shine?"
The firefly replied, "Hey, my buddy forgot to pay the electricity bill last month!" " "
57. Two beautiful women are discussing what cosmetics have the best whitening effect in the elevator.
At the same time, there was a black man beside him, listening silently.
Suddenly the black man said to the two beautiful women, "It's no use! I tried, it's useless! "
58. One day, the dough was in trouble, so I asked meatballs for help. Meatball: You can wrap it on me! So, there was jiaozi.
59. One day, the bread was beaten by a bean paste bag, and the spoon went to avenge the bread. Later, the bread asked the spoon, and the spoon said, no problem, I beat the kid!
Xiao Min saw an old man on the bus, so he got up and helped him sit down. After a while, the old man stood up. Xiao Min put the old man on his shoulder and sat down again: Sit down, old man! After a while, the old man stood up again. Xiao Min sat down and put the old man on his shoulder: Sit down, old man! Repeatedly, the old man finally began to cry: young man, please let me off, I have been to several stops!
6 1, the blind man and the stutterer drove for a ride, stuttering to watch the road, and the blind man drove. After a while, the stutterer saw a deep ditch in front and shouted in horror:
Ditch! Ditch! Ditch! The blind man sang: Oh, Ray! Oh, ray. Oh, it turned out to be ray. ...
Still hope to adopt, please give me a face? It is not easy for me to play so much! O(∩_∩)O！