I believe many mothers will encounter the same situation as me. When they are in a hurry, they can't help shouting at their children. When they calm down, they are very remorse and regret.
So how can we educate our children and manage our emotions? You must know the following methods.
Mothers usually feel that they are not a good mother after yelling at their children. Sometimes it is not a big deal to think about it, so they feel guilty. But mothers need to know that yelling is a self-defense mechanism of the body to protect their broken hearts. When yelling at children, I can't help raising my voice to ease my anxiety.
So, you are not fighting alone. Almost everyone makes a hullabaloo about when they feel anxious and emotional.
External trigger
For example, when you see a red light while driving, you will step on the brakes and trigger a red light; When you see your partner throwing socks around, you will be angry, and the fuse is your partner's behavior; When a child is noisy at work, you will yell at him, and the fuse is the child's voice.
Therefore, when we are angry, we make a hullabaloo about because the trigger of our emotions is activated, and our yelling behavior only responds to the influence of the trigger action.
The underlying causes of shouting
The influence of family background. Family has a great influence on children. When we say a child is ill-bred, we are actually criticizing his parents.
There is also an old saying in China: A dragon gives birth to a dragon, a phoenix gives birth to a phoenix, and a mouse's child can make holes. If you grew up in a roaring environment, it's hard not to yell when you grow up, because your parents provide you with a reference template, that is, to solve problems by yelling.
Therefore, mothers who are used to shouting may wish to stop and think about it. Are there roaring factors in their growing environment?
Emotional fluctuations caused by health and stress. Many mothers will find it easy to lose control when they are unwell or stressed, and they will yell at their children for a little problem.
Medical proof shows that when the pressure is too high, people's immune ability will automatically decline, reminding the body to rest by getting sick. In the case of physical illness, it is difficult to have extra energy to deal with relatively difficult things, and yelling at this time is also an act of transferring stress and illness.
It is difficult to avoid yelling in real life. We also know that yelling can only temporarily relieve the excitement of mothers or temporarily stop children's bad behavior, but it can't really play a role in disciplining children. So what effect does yelling have on children?
Shouting can make children feel insecure. If parents often yell at their children, they will make them timid and introverted. Moreover, children are also prone to fall into a state of self-denial, feel that they are not good enough, make their parents dissatisfied, and thus become unconfident. Affect children's sense of value and belonging.
Shouting will arouse children's resistance. There is a term in psychology called "overrun effect", which means that when a person is stimulated too much, too strongly and too long, his heart will breed impatience and rebellion.
Parents often yell at their children, and children will get used to it, but they can't really educate them. And after a long time, children will feel that their parents can do nothing but yell at them, so they will be brave and start talking back to their parents, which is especially obvious in adolescent children.
Making a hullabaloo about will cause children not to really realize the problem. When a person feels strong fear and threat, the brain will automatically open the emergency escape mechanism, and he is nervous and always ready to escape from the disaster. This is human instinct, and children are no exception.
Parents yell at their children, and children instinctively obey their parents. In fact, they are escaping and don't even listen to what their parents are saying, so they don't realize where their problems are.
Shouting will form the habit of children lying. Some parents will make a hullabaloo about or even beat and scold once they find that their children have done something wrong. In order to escape the pain, children often lie to their parents to escape punishment. After a long time, it is easy to form the habit of lying.
Although yelling has many bad effects on children, yelling is not impossible. It is good for children to roar in the following situations.
When children are in danger. When you see a car coming, shouting loudly can stop the child and avoid life-threatening things.
When children affect the safety of others. When you see that a child's prank will hurt other children, shouting can avoid the tragedy.
When children make family property suffer losses. When you see a child spilling water on the TV or computer, yelling loudly can stop the child's behavior.
It is difficult for parents to avoid yelling for the first time, but parents need to correctly understand yelling behavior in order to reduce yelling on the road of parenting and avoid the adverse effects of habitual yelling behavior on their children.
Benjamin Franklin wrote in his Poor Charlie Yearbook: "There are three things that are the most difficult: steelmaking, drilling and self-knowledge.
In the process of raising children, if mothers want to avoid yelling, they must first find out what changes have taken place in their psychology and behavior before, during and after yelling, and then they can make targeted plans and make changes to become a mother who stops yelling.
The following steps can help us know ourselves and say goodbye to screaming mothers:
Observe your own practice by tracing back: take the event at the beginning of the article as an example;
Step 1: Record the event.
Trigger event: Guagua's clothes are wet (to help us understand the behavior patterns of ourselves and our children).
Date: Monday (coming home too late on Sunday, not getting enough sleep, or just having important things to do on this day, causing too much potential stress)
Time: 8:30 am (some children will have "devil's time" and be particularly naughty at some time of the day, such as just getting up or before going to bed)
Location: bathroom (small space or messy things will make you more prone to emotional instability)
Step 2: Record your reaction.
Physical reaction: the hair swells and the hand moves more.
Your emotions: impatience, anger
Your upgrade idea: getting up in the morning is always slow.
Recording our reactions can help us discover the physical and emotional changes when yelling is about to happen, and we can realize ourselves. Through deliberate practice, you may be able to get rid of this emotion next time.
Step 3: Record your answers.
Your response: Why is it wet again? You always get up slowly, and you will be late soon. Do you know that?/You know what? Loud and impatient.
The child's response: I cried wronged, and I just wanted to explain, but I was interrupted loudly.
Recording reactions helps us to see the behavior patterns of ourselves and our children, understand that some behaviors are ineffective, and remind ourselves to break these patterns from time to time.
Step 4: Follow up
Feeling after yelling: remorse, regret.
How the child feels: He has been wronged. When he apologized to him after school at night, he cried and said thank you to his mother.
Recording the follow-up situation will help us understand and accept our feelings, and the child's feelings will also allow us to treat the child in other ways next time and reduce the harm to the child.
Step 5: Record your assessment.
How to deal with the problem next time: just say what the child did, not evaluate; Or leave for a while to calm down.
These steps will enable us to respond quickly and positively in the next similar situation, instead of repeating the previous model.
Of course, change is also a gradual process, so we need to make plans to help us form good habits and break the traditional mode of yelling at children.
Understand the behavior patterns of yourself and your children:
If you are an impatient person and your child is a slow-moving person, then you should take measures to cooperate with the child's behavior instead of trying to transform the child into what you want.
Understand the characteristics of children of different ages and understand their performance, instead of attacking them with negative words. For example, when a child starts playing hide-and-seek games, he may just cover his eyes and start asking you to find him. What parents should do at this time is to cooperate with him instead of laughing at his wrong way of playing games.
From scratch, children's growth is also a process of self-exploration, and children's gradual growth should be respected.
Accept the behavior of yourself and your children.
It's not easy to be a parent. We're doing well. Even if life is a chicken feather, mothers should meet their own needs first. Whether it is a full-time mother or a working mother, the sacrifices of mothers are huge and the efforts are unimaginable. Therefore, mothers must first meet their own needs and be energetic before they can transfer their energy to their children.
You are your own sun, so you can light up the children. Therefore, mothers should arrange their own lives, go out for coffee and go shopping with their girlfriends regularly, or just sit quietly in the library for an afternoon, read a favorite book and vent.
Many mothers' biggest feelings after yelling at their children are regret and self-blame, regret why they failed to control their emotions and feel that they are not a good mother. In fact, this behavior of not forgiving yourself is like drinking a bowl of rat poison, but hoping to poison your enemy. So what should we do? ,
Don't embarrass yourself. In fact, when we criticize ourselves, it is because we want to change and become better, so we might as well encourage ourselves and tell ourselves that it is never too late to start learning to change. Learn to cheer for yourself and work hard with enthusiasm.
Don't blame the children. When a child has inappropriate behavior, don't criticize or blame immediately, just describe what you see and give yourself a buffer period. For example, if you see a child pouring water on the ground, what you have to do is not to criticize him for doing something wrong, but to say, I saw you pouring water on the ground. Wait for the child to react before correcting his behavior. Criticizing children at once may cause children's rebellious psychology and make things worse.
The road to parenting is always not so smooth. It is common for mothers to have different views on parenting from fathers or others. Therefore, when mothers want to change their yelling behavior, they may not get the support of other family members. So what should they do at this time?
If the spouse has habitual yelling behavior, we need to do so.
First of all, make it clear to the other person what you think about yelling, let the other person know that you want to make a change, and hope to get his or her support. Secondly, try to understand the deep-seated reasons behind each other's yelling, the influence of family background, physical discomfort or too much work pressure? Help each other get rid of the habit of shouting in a scientific way.
If you live with old people, set an example. When the old man yells at the child, you don't need to point out the fault of the old man directly, but demonstrate your practice and provide the old man with a learning template. After a long time, the old people who are willing to change will gradually know that there is something wrong with yelling and will naturally make changes.
If the old people don't live together, so many opportunities will be created for the old people and their children to be together. Enhance the feelings of the elderly and children and give them time to adapt to each other.
If it is difficult to change the roaring habits of the elderly for many years, on the one hand, children should be asked to pay attention to their words and deeds when they are around the elderly, and not to be too naughty; On the other hand, if the old man has yelled at his children, he should do a good job of communication with them, so that the children can understand the real purpose of the old man's yelling, and reduce the adverse effects of yelling on them.
If you are dealing with a child with developmental retardation, you will easily feel isolated and helpless, and the pressure from inside and outside will make it easier for you to control your emotions. At this time, it is children who need help more than we do.
Keep your figure down and grow up with your children. Accept the fact that the child is stunted, lower the requirements for the child, and stand on the roadside and applaud. Adjust your expectations, want to see good things, and prepare for the storm.
Seek professional help. Giving professional things to professional people can get twice the result with half the effort. If things are out of your control, you should not hesitate to seek professional help. They will provide you with professional help, help you relieve anxiety or provide you with solutions to problems. They can also let you judge your child's situation correctly instead of guessing for yourself.
Families with similar situations all grow up in groups. One person walks fast, and a group of people walk far. Growing up together, we can share similar experiences, learn from each other, and let us take fewer detours on the road of parenting.
Roaring is a defense mechanism of the body, but habitual yelling will have a bad influence on children. We need to stop, record the trigger that makes us roar, and record our behavior and feelings when we roar. Adjust your own behavior patterns, understand the characteristics of children of different ages, and match their behavior patterns. Of course, you should also encourage yourself in the process of change, and you are the best who try to change. When encountering obstacles, actively seek solutions, knowing that you are not fighting alone.
I hope the methods mentioned in this article can help you get rid of the habit of shouting and let your children cooperate with you calmly.