It doesn't matter whether others see themselves as good or bad, contempt or respect.
I began to understand that sometimes people live in the world, and the most hypocritical, hypocritical and nihilistic thing is that they are too obsessed with themselves in the eyes of others.
It's really boring to pretend to be someone all the time.
It's really a waste of life to worry about other people's words and eyes all day.
I closed my circle of friends, except for sending messages from time to time, and I almost never brush other people's circle of friends.
I won't know what interesting things have happened in school, dormitory and classmates until someone reminds me. Out of respect, I'll take a look.
I turned myself into a person who is too self-centered.
But behind this self, it is my deepest frankness, calmest tolerance and most straightforward self-confidence.
In the last class last week, the tutor invited six students from our major to have dinner together.
The teacher asked us what we needed to eat, and everyone stood, looking around and not talking.
I said bluntly that I want to eat braised pig's trotters and braised chicken feet.
In the past, I would be embarrassed. I will look around and dare not speak my mind boldly.
After dinner, go to the library to read. Because I felt too tired in the middle, I set a timed alarm clock, rested on my desk for 15 minutes, and then continued reading.
When I woke up, my lips were particularly thirsty. The library is full of hot water. I went downstairs and bought an iced vanilla latte in the cafe.
When the waiter handed it to me, I asked why there was no coffee in it.
The waiter has a hint of disdain in his eyes. Although it was only a moment, I was very sensitive to it.
A middle-aged woman came over and gently told me that the vanilla latte here does not contain coffee. If you want to drink coffee in the future, just click on the coffee column on the menu.
I smiled and said, "OK, thanks."
Then, take the vanilla latte and walk out of the cafe.
I didn't feel embarrassed at all when I asked the waiter that question. Even when I caught the disdain in the waiter's eyes, I felt no shame at all.
On the contrary, I am willing to admit my ignorance, and I am willing to accept it frankly, and I am not ashamed of my ignorance at all.
But these, if put in five years ago, I certainly can't do it.
At that time, I was timid, inferior and even superficial.
I still remember an experience when my roommate took me to a skin care counter to try out the products.
I felt uneasy when I followed her into a shopping mall where everything was bright and even the air was full of luxury.
I am embarrassed by my cheap clothes and ashamed that I know nothing about the British skin care brands on display.
My roommate took me to the counter where she often bought skin care products, and told the salesperson that my skin was sensitive recently, and I hope to recommend some targeted skin care products.
The salesman just gave me a superficial look.
I stood there embarrassed and didn't know what to say.
My roommate told me that they can check the skin condition for free here. Do you want them to test it for you?
I glanced out of the corner of my eye at those carefully decorated bottles and jars. Just the numbers on the label make me subconsciously swallow.
As a girl trying not to be seen through by others, I quickly took back my eyes staring at the label, but my eyes could not be hidden.
There is a feeling that the gas field is suppressed, and even it seems vaguely that the inner anxiety and embarrassment are clearly seen by the sales staff.
I dragged my roommate out of the counter and walked out of the mall that didn't belong to me.
I didn't say why, and my roommate didn't ask much.
It was the first time that I felt the real gap between a girl who came out from a small place to study and a city girl.
It's not living conditions, it's not family background, what's really terrible is that I haven't seen the shallowness and cowardice of the market.
That may be the original me, even if I have more abundant living conditions, I can't get rid of it.
So far, living conditions have not improved much compared with five years ago.
Even I choose to put aside my greed for money and excessive exploration of material desires to pursue a career that enriches my heart.
In this process, most of the difficulties and struggles I experienced were related to money.
But it is the repeated economic crises that have strengthened my determination to choose and live a life.
Although I don't have enough money, my spiritual independence and wealth now support me through too many difficult sections, too many giving-up moments and too many nights in trouble sleeping.
I still know nothing about many things, just like I don't know the coffee shop downstairs in the library. Matcha latte is milk mixed with matcha; Just like I don't know, many foreign brands of luxury bags, clothing, skin care products, cosmetics; Just like I don't know what the so-called luxury life is.
But these are not very important to me, because it is enough to know what kind of person I want to be and what kind of life I want to live.
This is more important than anything.
Because when you really find these, you actually find yourself. Your life will be clear and comfortable because of this familiarity, this understanding and this persistence.